#fretfulwitch

[fretfulwitch]

One day I’ll learn to throw chairs at people instead of trying to people please my way out of conversations and situations that make my nervous system scream.

[fretfulwitch]

I’m not sure what’s worse: grieving the dead, or grieving the living

[fretfulwitch]

TW // ED discussion/vent (I’m in recovery)

Trying to recover from an eating disorder in this society feels like living in a Black Mirror episode.

“I haven’t eaten all day.”

“I drink my calories.”

“Dress your weight.”

“I can’t remember the last time I ate 3 meals in a day.”

“I still fit into my middle school clothes.”

“I only eat x calories a day.”

“I’m down x pounds.”

“Oh, I wish I could eat that.”

“You look SO healthy.”

“You used to be SO tiny, I’m glad you’ve put on some weight.”

GLP-1s. Starvation glamorized as discipline. Body checking. Meal replacement culture. “How to curb your cravings.” Everywhere I look, malnourishment is normalized and rewarded.

I am trying so hard to fall in love with food again. I am trying so hard to become a well-nourished, well-fed, healthy woman. But every time I make progress, I go online, talk to people, step outside, and the evil little voice that once convinced me to starve myself starts screaming again. The voice that taught me my worth could be measured by a number on a scale suddenly gets louder than everything else.

And honestly? I’m exhausted.

I’m exhausted by how casually people glorify behaviors that almost killed me. Exhausted by how deeply disordered habits are woven into everyday conversation. Exhausted by how recovery can feel like swimming upstream in a world that constantly rewards self-destruction.

I won’t let the voice win again.

[fretfulwitch]

Saw Florence + The Machine in concert Friday night (dream concert for such a long time) and my soul ascended. Forever grateful for mother witch and her ability to make a venue full of thousands of strangers feel like home. Sang and danced my heart out ✨

[fretfulwitch]

I took myself out for a lunch date for the first time yesterday, and I genuinely had such a wonderful time spending quality time with me. I can’t believe I’ve been missing out on treating myself like this. In the past I’ve always been too anxious to take myself out on a solo date, so it felt good to do something past me would have panic attacks over. Just savoring the progress I’m making, day by day, and how much more comfortable I am becoming in my own skin.

[fretfulwitch]

Officially two weeks sober and I’m so proud of myself cause a year ago I thought I’d never be able to cope without substances and sometimes proving yourself wrong feels so good

[fretfulwitch]

I guess I just wish people weren’t so temporary

[fretfulwitch]

Yea life is hard right now but it could be so much worse, so even though I’m struggling, I can’t help but feel grateful that it’s not the worst it’s ever been