The Heart
Examination of my Heart Version One (Handwritten Copy)
What emotional memories do you need to heal? Not following #lovear; not being open about it. How very uncomfortable I felt being Human at Syracuse and in Los Angeles. Loss of #friendeo as a friend. Lack of conversation with #friendec. Not designing my foot tattoo. Not seeing Stretch or Grandmargot. Hurting #loveea. The night DL saved me.
How do your emotional wounds control you? I am unable to open up and trust a loving relationship. I cannot imagine someone loves me without it being a game. I feel if I open up entirely, he’ll lose interest.
How do you recognize and work through disappointment? most of the disappointment I feel is created by my imagination. I am becoming better at working through by not dismissing it; by allowing it to feel acknowledged then taking a step back and assessing how much is real.
Where do your dependencies lie? Family - emotional, financial, intellectual support. Friends - emotional, intellectual, social support. My studies for purpose. Change and procrastination as distraction.
What are you attached to? My dog, my self, my practices and how able I am to indulge in them. Alteration of consciousness through substance. The idea of my Self... more so...
How open are you with your emotions? it varies based on how in control I feel. If I feel I am not in control of the situation, I share very little. I also choose what to reveal when I am in control in order to remain in control.
What do you need to forgive yourself for? questionable text messages. not making money. moving to NY. not being capable of unconditional compassion. not knowing how to be in love.
Whom do you need to forgive? Los Angeles. #lovena. the United States Government. Organized religion. Little Louise. #lovetl. the past.
What improvements do you feel you can concretely make? practice feeling uncomfortable