#from the drafts folder

[freenarnian]

tired of to love is to be vulnerable ready for to love is to be dangerous

[ayukaze]

“I’m not a ‘guy’, I’m a girl!”   “But you sure act like one.” 

[twelvemonkeyswere]

I saw that trailer for the Netflix movie with the Gone Girl woman and it sounds like fun but also it made me deeply aware that maybe they think that the only way to make a movie that boasts its feminism is to make the protagonist an unhinged white woman committing crimes. like men get this sort of movie all the time and that is also boring.

[separatepoints]

here is what i would say to singlets about multiplicity as i experience it:

i want you to imagine that instead of your experiences being solid objects, they are liquids. and with different boiling points. so some of them are already turning into gas. but everyone still acts like they are solid objects. so when you try to figure out what happened on tuesday or in your childhood, it’s like someone says, “hey, hand me the red ball!” and you have to look at all these liquids and gases and try to shape and pull out some combination that looks something like a red ball. but it isn’t. it isn’t anything like that. you can’t even quite imagine what it’s like to hold a solid memory in your hand.

imagine that an assortment of everyone you know and have heard of (in my case an incredibly large assortment), including friends, enemies, co-workers, customers, teachers, strangers, characters from media, was put into a network of interconnecting spaces, all kinds of spaces. and imagine those spaces could only communicate through limited means. like maybe one\could turn the lights off in the other ones, and that’s it. maybe one has a phone but it only rings like 2 other ones and one of those the phone is hidden and doesn’t ring out loud. some doors open one way, some connect to different rooms at different times, some are locked. now imagine that that entire structure is “you”. what people see is you on the outside, your body as it is now, and some of those people inside can communicate with them, but inside you all experience a complex . imagine how you would talk about even simple things, like what all of you liked to eat.

now here is the hard part. imagine this is not a metaphor. it is literally your everyday reality. not just how it feels, how it is. your hands are wet from the liquids, shaking with exhaustion from holding them in the right form, and you have a balloon or two to hold some of the gas but some leaked and now you (all of you? some of you?) are dizzy and you are handing it to someone who asked for a yellow cylinder. and you got them from somewhere in that complex structure of rooms. you get everything from there. and there is no you really at all. that’s just the only way to say it.

if you feel confused and overwhelmed, that’s actually a really good start. it is actually way more complex and unbelievable than all of this sounds. but this is a bit of glimpse.

[lurker-no-more]

🔥❤️🔥❤️

(link)

[onwacollective]

what I’ve learned recently: you can process a painful event/emotion for years. In order to process it, you must make room to hold the emotion (shame, anger, sadness, fear etc.) in your life. Everyday create a little space to confront the emotion. Then create a little more. And a little more. Let it take up as much room as it requires. Witness it bubble up and shift into something familiar. And as you begin to trust yourself with its weight, it will feel lighter. It will require less of your attention. It will return to the earth eventually. And when it does revisit, you will know what to do.

[toy-sitting-anon]

It is funny.

At one point I decided that toy sitting specifically was evil and I needed to wean myself off it. I tried to draw a girl with a reasonable sized ass and figured having her be like, a dungeon delver eating treasure would be more appropriate. I made this character to be less hot to me. I could not. I kept editing her to make her ass bigger and never drew the dungeon-treasure. When she raised the shovel to deposit her finds into her mouth I could not resist. I drew them as toys.

I don't remember when this was but the paper is quite yellow now. It could have been before college or in the first year. In college I erased her hair to redraw it less like my crush's hair looked the day her image was seared into my memory, but it came out awful so i put it back. I liked her a lot. She became the icon of like, reckless consumption.

At the end of college I played darkest dungeon quite a lot. I named my A-list hellion Erica because she seemed like an Erica. I got attached to her which is what you're not supposed to do in that game. I edited the files so the red-clothed hellion had a bigger ass (quite badly for several of the animations.)

I played CDDA. I enjoyed, for a time, making a girl who loots the abandoned houses and builds a giant vehicle out of all the stuff, but was frustrated by the military/toughguy prepper focus of the game. I wanted to make characters that "eat" gadgets/appliances/toys with the furnace bionic but it felt off - there wasn't enough use for mass bionic power, you got too little from Cool items and lots more from busted up furniture, and it was a bad idea in gameplay terms to destroy the most valuable finds. And you couldn't sit on things.

I tried making Hellion-Erica as a character in the game but I found it pretty unpleasant to roleplay as someone that tough. I wanted someone soft with a big ass who crushes and eats hotly, unapologetically and rudely but not jockly. Someone like the icon of reckless consumption girl. I decided her name was also Erica.

When I discussed on my main teaching myself C++ and editing CDDA this is what I was doing. The options for json-data-modding this stuff were clunky. I wanted there to be a lot more toys in the game, and I wanted it to be possible to crush and eat them. I implemented these and a bunch of stupid marginal features. You could progress through a silly system of growing your ass and your girl powers with mutations that would all increase your need to eat and eat and eat everything. And these were all internally called ERICA_WHATEVER (the existing mutations in CDDA all have allcaps internal names.)

But I got annoyed at this project, left it behind, CDDA itself moved on and released worse and worse updates, C++ moved on and the libraries the old version I had forked depended on were deprecated or changed and it would no longer compile unless I went in and messed around with some of the lowest-level and likely performance-finicky parts of the game as an amateur.

This was in 2020-2021 that I was working on it heavily. The amount of time I was spending coding is insane to me now with the Brain Problems. It was not good code by any means but I was doing it. I had absurd ambitions and I was plugging away at them to make a world Erica could devour.

In February 2022, during a boring boomer conversation I felt like drawing something. I thought I would draw the sort of player-character I always made in CDDA (the unmodified version that I hadn't played in a while.) But I wasn't really sure how to draw, like, a rifle on a shoulder strap, so I ended up with just a girl in a jacket (storage volume is king) and cat ears (I always made my characters Stylish) and I tell you what. I was smitten with her. I was so smitten with her that I didn't give her bionics and stuff because I have boring taste in girls.

Her name was also Erica, of course. She watched from a clipboard as I shaved for the first time, because my parents never taught me and 2022 was when I decided I was going to metaphysically be a girl whether or not I had the right soul bit set. Here she is. I love her.

She eats toys too, of course. She eats and crushes and meows and is so so beautiful.

Later that year I decided I needed a name for myself. There was an obvious choice.

[lepetitfruit]

Gender is so funny like. Don't call me a man. I can be your boytoy. No I'm not a woman. But I'm sooooo girlfaliure