On the ending of this wretched year
2017 has been the worst year of my life.
I hate drama, don’t like taking up space or demanding attention, and frankly don’t even like emotions very much—but if you’ve been following, you’ve seen the running theme of heartbreak and pain and my struggle to keep my head above water this year after a devastating end to my 12-year marriage. I’ve had to process more feelings than ever before—heartbreak, grief, fear, confusion, disappointment, betrayal, loss, anger—and I’ve tried my best to attend to each of them with presence and self-compassion.
It’s a weird place to be.
There was a person who was my person for 14 years, who felt like home to me. This year I completely lost any sense of who that person is. In a span of six months, he transformed into someone radically different than the one I thought I knew. Any sense of shared truth and shared reality between us was lost, and he didn’t just turn, he turned on me. After we parted, I learned that he was never really who I thought he was. For the first time, I gained perspective on the dynamics of our relationship.
I’ve expended an extraordinary amount of energy trying to make sense of all that’s unfolded, and I’m nowhere near clarity yet, but I’ve learned a few important truths worth noting at the juncture of a new year.
A lot of things that I accepted as “normal” were not normal.
I should trust my gut more than I do.
I should tolerate less. I have an exceptional capacity for bearing pain and withstanding discomfort, but it works to my disadvantage at times.
It’s a truism that the people you let closest are the ones who can hurt you the most. Can, not must. The part I didn’t know was just how much damage they could do. It’s way more than I ever imagined possible.
No amount of following the rules and living by my values and trying to be a person of integrity could spare me. I never expected a pain-free life, but I thought that by making careful, thoughtful choices I could avoid this kind of tragedy and heartache. No.
Psychological abuse is incredibly hard to see when you’re in it. Years of subtle, insidious manipulation and gaslighting had warped my sense of reality in ways I’m only beginning to understand.
There’s so much more to try to make sense of. And so much to just let go.
But, what matters for going forward is this: I will be OK. In some ultimate sense, once I pass through the grief into recovery, I’ll be better off. I was in a toxic relationship with a person who’s not capable of the love and connection I mostly deeply desire in this life. What I thought was love was slowly destroying me. And I’m now coming out of a long season of pain and confusion. When I’m really free —and I know that freedom is coming—the world will open up possibilities that I’ve just seen hints and glimpses of.
Good riddance 2017. Welcome a new year.
