#fuckedupinthehead

[freebird81]

Fuck dude

I'm tired of falling asleep to wake up wishing I hadn't

[freebird81]

I'm good enough so why do you make me feel like I'm not

I wish I was everything you saw in everyone else

[notawordtome]

**You Deserve Better**

Okay, Brain. What is it going to take to convince you that this shit has got to stop? How much longer do I need to keep going through this? I cannot push him away. I cannot keep living like this. What the fuck? Why do you insist on making my life a living hell? I was getting better, now I'm bouncing back into my hellhole. Nice going. God, Florizel...this is too much for you. I am too much for you. I have given nothing but grief for days...how could you possibly find favor with me after all that? To tell me I'm loved... Right now, my brain wants to push you away, the sole reason being because I am a burden to you. I have been in a darker spot, and I am ashamed of me. I would sooner hide for days and not speak than to show you my pain and depression. I do not want to drag you down with me. You don't deserve that, my love. You deserve a saner, better woman than me...yet you choose me. Over and over again...why...? You could have anyone else, all of them better and more put together... I can't hurt you...I don't want to hurt you anymore. But I don't want to lose you. So, that means I have to stand taller and fix my shit brain...easier said than done. God, I hate nights like this...nights when I question everything. I got brought down because I overanalyzed things. I didn't want to be a nuisance or a burden. I didn't want to be too much. I still feel like that...he doesn't make me feel that way, but I do. I feel that I should be far away from him, I'm just...too much. And should stay away...I hate that I feel this way...we were trying to plan a date night, and I felt that maybe he needed another night to recover from last week. Of course, that was all my brain needed to start doubting and spiraling. You'd think...after all these years, I could control those urges in my head. Sometimes I can, but other times I lose my grip and they fly. And they fly...for hours. I lose my grip and spill my heart out...what a freak. I am so fucked up. Florizel..I am such a mess. I wish I deserved you. I don't see how you can stand to be with me after all this...but I know that you always think things through. You see something I don't. Please...just pray for me. I want to see you, but am afraid to face you right now. I do love you...never will stop loving you. I just...I am so sorry for being this way, for being fucked up in the head and burdensome...I won't blame you if you run... I'm sorry for being me.