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It is like I am not even there. It is like speaking to a headstone and thinking it will talk in return. Somehow we are all ghosts despite being alive.

#blog post #all this bad blood #A broken heart still beats.#carmen.#fulmen.

It has only been a perigee since I broke off a partnership, and it has both been impossibly long and remarkably short. But there has been a lack of... talking about it. Nowhere to vocalise feelings, no one to lay on while I sort through any of these feelings, nothing worth listening to, I suppose.

I thought I had worked through most of my emotions regarding it, and I have. I grieved losing him before the very end. I was devastated in the waiting, the wondering, the wanting. I loved him, and I did try. I promise, I did. Now, after mourning our relationship, I am out of the woods of hurt. Mostly.

I saw his icon and I was upset. Seeing him passing through, so close and still forever away. Very nearly missed him. But then it occured to me- it was him speaking. Him, not her. And it is just. So funny!! That he can speak!! To other people!! I get it, I do, but NOTHING?? Nothing!!!!! I am still here, waiting for him, desperate to be noticed or thought of or ANYTHING and it just will not fucking happen! Again and again and again, ignored for anything else! He is busy, and he is working hard, I know. I know. It makes it so hard to be angry when I know that, but GODS. It is the same feeling- always the last fucking choice. I cannot do anything remarkable. I am only myself, with all of my heartache and hurt. I cannot create exciting experiences with powers, and I do not have the resources to create them otherwise. It makes sense! It makes sense why I would be ignored! And I broke it off, too! Why would he want to talk to me! Why would anyone!!!!!

Fuck. Fuck, I am angry again. That is the only thing that keeps appearing. Anger. Anger that fuels hurt and tears and wishing that you still thought of me half as much as I thought of you. But you will not. You do not. I do not know if you ever did.

#blog post #all this bad blood #fulmen.#Fuck you.#The divide gets wider.#The break feels more permanent.

I do not ever want to question it. I truly don't. But I wonder, sometimes, if we ever really matched.

#blog post #all this bad blood #I wonder when exactly you fell out of love with me.#fulmen.

I suppose I should be grateful I got an answer at all. I suppose I should be glad that the message did not bounce back to me. You saw it. You got the information that matters. And I did, too.

You sent someone else to speak to me. A layer between us. No chance for us to touch. A courier for a message from you when I can only present myself.

It is not her fault. She did not do anything wrong. But I do not love her like I love you, still. Still. And this stings so much more for it. The message was for you. Not her. You.

#blog post #all this bad blood #fulmen.#Why won't you look at me anymore?

Rereading messages has been a lifeline- proof that you once loved me, and that I still love you.

#blog post #all this bad blood #I miss you.#carmen.#fulmen.#mercurius.

I miss being your beloved. I miss you.

#blog post #all this bad blood #carmen.#fulmen.

Some words stick with you a little longer than others. True as they are, they are not pleasant to hear. I could earn others. I could be "sharp" and "dangerous" and "sexy". I could be "beautiful". I could be "stunning". I could be... something good.

Instead I am a people-pleaser and... "soggy".

#blog post #I wish you would've played along.#I know I am nothing fearsome and I have never been as such to you.#But it would be nice to pretend.#fulmen.

A lot of intense emotions the past few nights. What am I going to do?

#blog post #all this bad blood #This is not something I have any right to feel poorly about.#fulmen.#mercurius.