brb gonna stab a tree

NO WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS [vent blog for Advoca Netrak. ic findable.]

[wreckitredglare]

What do you want to feel? Is anything really anything? And how willing are you to solve this problem?

I thought I could give you a new experience, something I use when the mind is particularly cruel. But will joy break through this? What emotion might work? It certainly is not bliss- if it worked, it would have already. What of anger? Sorrow? Fear? And would pressing those buttons work when we know why they are being pressed?

Are you able to borrow emotions? Are you able to use someone else's? What could help you here?

[godsdeceit]

I want to feel.. normal. But barring that I'd settle for just anything. It's been days upon days of apathy, no emotion, no motivation to do anything..

I don't know what would work, I don't know what I want, I don't know, I don't know..

[wreckitredglare]

Well, I know what I want, and that is for us to at least try to help you. We can try every method, mortal and divine. Anything.

Do you trust me? Do you trust me enough to believe that everything I may suggest is in your best interest?

[godsdeceit]

I need to FEEL something

[wreckitredglare]

...Am I allowed to suggest something? I hate seeing you like this, and I want to see if something can take. Anything.

[godsdeceit]

What's on your mind, Dróttning?

[wreckitredglare]

What do you want to feel? Is anything really anything? And how willing are you to solve this problem?

I thought I could give you a new experience, something I use when the mind is particularly cruel. But will joy break through this? What emotion might work? It certainly is not bliss- if it worked, it would have already. What of anger? Sorrow? Fear? And would pressing those buttons work when we know why they are being pressed?

Are you able to borrow emotions? Are you able to use someone else's? What could help you here?

[godsdeceit]

I need to FEEL something

[wreckitredglare]

...Am I allowed to suggest something? I hate seeing you like this, and I want to see if something can take. Anything.

[wreckitredglare]

Something to keep an eye on. Something to be careful with. Something to very much worry about.

[wreckitredglare]

It is so much easier this time. Someone I like, someone who has only ever been kind to me, someone who deserves every bit of happiness. It does not feel so out of reach. Her experience could be mine. I could be surrounded by helpful hands, I could be met with love instead of disgust and disdain. I want to be love for her, to help however I am permitted. Joy, for another, and to mean it so earnestly. I could do that.

It is so very difficult this time. Only a few nights after experiencing a fantasy, feeling the impossible, and being so afraid that it will remain as such. A dream that feels so unattainable, still, forever. Titles I had but are long gone. Emotions that are better removed than felt, excised quickly, no matter the blood loss. Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide.

The world still turns, the sun still sets, the prayers are still made, and the heart still breaks.

[wreckitredglare]

What goes up must come down.

[lovinganddreaming]

better as a memory

[wreckitredglare]

Everything feels... strange. Wrong. I feel so out of place, like a stranger in my own life. Or perhaps I am trying to fit in spaces I just do not belong in...

[godsdeceit]

Growing pains, my love..

[wreckitredglare]

I do not think I can grow out of being an alien. I will always be too weird, too odd, too different. Too human, too much of a troll, too much of a person. This feels unshakable. Perhaps I will just have to be satisfied with being close, but not quite. I can be.

[wreckitredglare]

Everything feels... strange. Wrong. I feel so out of place, like a stranger in my own life. Or perhaps I am trying to fit in spaces I just do not belong in...

[wreckitredglare]

It is the same thing, over and over and over again. All I can do is wait for it to happen again. There is no amount of love given or work put in that will spare me from this heartache, this heartbreak.

It was not enough. It was too much. It will be both, forever. Once again, I have failed to love someone correctly.

[wreckitredglare]

I do not really care if he ever looks at me again, honestly. I do not. I knew the love would run out eventually. It is just... disappointing. That it fizzled out like this. Not a bang, but a whimper, and the only one who seems to care is me.

I always promise to wait and be patient. To prove loyalty. To keep someone in my heart and mind for ages. And, despite comments to the contrary, I do. Love does not expect reciprocity, but... not even a glance? Not even an offhand comment? Nothing?

I wonder when he fell out of love with me. I wonder if there was ever a chance for me to prevent it. I suppose I will never know.

[wreckitredglare]

Right now? Sore, but wonderful. I have been thinking quite a bit. Let a flash of irritation hit me, but it is all gone. But... I am worried about you.

[godsdeceit]

We got carried away with the knife, didn't we? Here, I have a healing potion somewhere around here..

I'm okay though. Really..

[wreckitredglare]

Oh no. I do not want anything healed on me. If it scars, it scars. A wedding present for the moon's bride that I get to keep.

I cannot force you to tell me anything. I know something is wrong, but you do not have to tell me what it is. Even if you do not speak of your pain, I will still be here for whatever you wish.

[godsdeceit]

Don't you fucking do it you bastard, I say to myself as if I haven't been on my bullshit for the past two weeks..

[wreckitredglare]

My love, what is wrong? How can I help you right now?

[godsdeceit]

I'm fine, I'm just adjusting..

How are you feeling?

[wreckitredglare]

Right now? Sore, but wonderful. I have been thinking quite a bit. Let a flash of irritation hit me, but it is all gone. But... I am worried about you.

[godsdeceit]

Don't you fucking do it you bastard, I say to myself as if I haven't been on my bullshit for the past two weeks..

[wreckitredglare]

My love, what is wrong? How can I help you right now?

[andpierres]

you should have seen me a couple of years ago!

[secondlina]

New Crow Time 🐦‍⬛🦊🌟

[pissmamiii]

sick to my fucking stomach for all the times i begged to be loved and seen by anyone lmao

[thempress222]

i used to think this way, but i think a part of you always knew your self worth, that’s why you “begged” to be loved and seen, so they could see what you see deep down. you knew what you had to offer, the person you were offering it to just wasn’t seeing it.