cingulomania
: a strong desire to hold a person in your arms
—summary: your grandmother always told you to always pursue the things that made you happy, and you didn’t know how to break it to her that sometimes…you have no choice but to let them go. but then again, isn’t grandma always right?
—pairing: jungkook x gn!reader
—word count: 1.7k
—genre: angst, happy ending
—au: exes-to-friends
—rating: pg-13
—warnings: mention of diabetes, an elderly character has dementia, loneliness
—note: this was inspired by my old job in healthcare! i saw so many lonely old people and it reminded me to cherish what i have 🥰 so let’s take this time to remember all of our precious ones in long-term care homes and hospitals 💖 also, fyi i call my grandmother “lola” irl , not cuz it’s her name but because it’s an honourific! that’s where her name comes from lol
—masterlist
The sterile hallways always felt long, much too long for your liking. People looked at you as though you didn’t belong—a fresh-faced youth in the midst of carts and wheelchairs—and you never really understood why. You could never understand why it was so unheard of to see someone so young in a place so old.
That was until that day a lonely old lady begged you to stay by her bedside, until that old man whimpered when you left, until the residents in the dining hall smiled at your presence.
The first time it happened, it was Leo—a diabetic man who preferred two Splendas in his porridge. He always asked for Vanilla Ensure to the trainees, thinking they’d give it to him blindly because the rest know he couldn’t have it…
You smirked at the memory as you walked down the familiar hall in your familiar garb, up until you reached a familiar door…
You knocked loudly, announcing your presence and waiting for confirmation to enter before opening the door to reveal your paternal grandmother. She was sat up in bed, head turning to face you. There wasn’t a flash of recognition in her eyes, but she waved you in anyways. As if you were an old friend of hers.
“Hello dear,” She greeted, looking troubled. “Do you know where I am right now?”
“You’re at Happy Smiles Home, and I am here to play some sudoku with you now,” You said warmly, holding out the book of puzzles your grandmother favoured over the daily newspapers.
“But my grandchildren, they’re too young to be left alone, I need to go back home,” She replied urgently, but you just kept your cool and smiled, “Shh, it’s okay, Y/n is doing just fine right now, and so is your grandson. Don’t worry, they’re both taken care of.”
“Are you sure?” She asked worriedly, “Is Jungkook taking good care of Y/n? Why don’t they come visit me anymore?”
You grew silent at the mention of his name, trying not to wince at the sting her words engraved in your heart. You smiled weakly, before pulling down your mask, “Lola, I’m here, see? I’m Y/n.”
She squinted at you, before you handed her the picture you two took a few days ago. Her eyes lit up with recognition, and she said, “Oh! I didn’t recognize you for a second there sweetie! How are you doing?”
You entertained her for a little while, but you felt stifled under the weight of the grief you were carrying. The memories of him swaddled in you in an embrace of grief and the loneliness rose up your insides.
Back when you were young, and your grandmother remembered more, she always used to tell you to always pursue happiness, to always do the things that sparked the most joy…
She had a spark in her eyes that never dimmed and never settled for anything less than what she deserved.
And yet, she was wrong. So terribly wrong.
You didn’t know how much more heartbreak you could take. The first time you told her, it tore you apart, to see her grieve the loss of the boy she loved like her own.
But worst of all, it hurt you because every time she forgot. And every time you thought she was getting better, getting more lucid, you had to tell her the one thing that you couldn’t. You had to tell her the tale of your misery.
When you walked out the door of the facility, your heart felt burdened with the responsibility of breaking up with him. You didn’t leave him out of a lack of love, you left him because your union made you less happy. It decimated your joy when you kissed him, when you felt pressured to touch him.
You were meant for kinship, closeness. Not romance, never romance.
So it came as no surprise that you were more unhappy without his friendship, despite the amount of distress it caused you to date him. Rather, you were torn on how ambivalent you were when it came to him. How unsure you were when it came to the man you knew since you were young.
“Y/n?” A voice called from beside you, familiar eyes twinkling. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” You replied, looking at him warmly. “Long time no see Jimin. What’s new with you?”
“Nothing much, just work,” He sighed, tucking his phone away. “Haven’t seen the rest of the guys in ages.”
He didn’t know.
“Hey, Y/n?” He mumbled, not looking at you. “Jungkook hasn’t really been talking to me lately. To any of us, really. Do you know what’s up?”
You paused, knowing that if Jungkook didn’t tell his friends then he had a reason not to. Besides, it hurt to say the words out loud. It was easy to tell your lola, because there was the assurance that she’d never remember. But to him? It’d just drive a wedge between you.
“It’s not my place to say,” You said kindly, sitting down next to him and gently taking the cigarette from his hand. “But don’t worry, he just needs some space right now. It’ll take him a bit to process everything.”
“Okay,” he whispered, angling his body to face away from you. “I trust your judgement, Y/n. It’s just that these days have been so busy at the hospital, I fear that I’m not spending enough time with him—“
“Jimin, please trust me on this,” You said, throwing the unlit cigarette in the trash and grabbing his hands, “Please.”
He looked at you, and you withered at the vulnerability that showed in them.
You didn’t want to step back into that place. You despised the memories that entangled themselves around your chest as you came face to face with the door that led to your past.
Pressing the doorbell, you were fraught with the fear that he would be the one to answer it. You feared you would be caught before you could explain—
“Y/n?” Seokjin asked quizzically, opening the door wider to let you in. “What’s up?”
“I need to see Jungkook, right now,” You whispered, trying not to break down or let your anguish show on your face.
“Of course,” He said, turning around and heading into the direction of the kitchen.
You didn’t know what the others thought about you, or your relationship with Jungkook, but you were sure they had their speculations. It didn’t take a genius to see what had become of you two.
When he came into view, he looked a little worse for wear, dark bags camping beneath his eyes, hair matted and form swathed in stained loungewear. If you were to take a guess, it was probably leftover ramen.
“What are you doing here?” He whispered, gently pushing you closer to the door.
You held him back with your hands, “I’m here because I need to talk to you,” You replied, voice unusually steady. “Right now.”
“Y/n, it’s 11PM at night, I want to sleep,” He groaned, trying to nudge you towards the door.
“So what? Clearly you haven’t been sleeping, and I doubt you’d start now,” was your snarky reply, instead pulling him past the dining room where the others were gathered, and into the living room.
“Just tell me what it is you want to say,” He sighed at last. “It probably won’t be what either of us want to hear.”
“You’re right, it’s not,” You said with a grimace. “But it’s a good alternative.”
He raised an eyebrow, “Oh?”
You took a deep breath, “Lola always told me to pursue the things that made me happy, even if it meant that it had to hurt a little while.” You dropped you gaze from his intense eyes to the floor. “And it’s true, being with you romantically didn’t make me happy. But not having you around makes me feel even more miserable, Jungkook.”
You felt soft hands on yours, and you braved the courage to look into his eyes, surprised to find in them same conflict that ravaged inside your heart. Yet, most strikingly, you witnessed the smile that graced his lips.
“I missed you too, Y/n” He sighed, bringing you into a hug, and it wasn’t till that moment that you realized how much you craved the feel of his warm embrace until then.
“Lola, I’m here with Jungkook,” You said one afternoon, Jungkook’s hand linked with yours. “How are you doing?”
“I’m good,” She said, before squinting at Jungkook. There was a flash of recognition in her eyes. “Ah ha! You my boy! You’re the one who visits me after hours.”
“What?” You asked, looking between the two as Jungkook avoided your gaze. “You’ve met him before?”
“Lots of times, I remember when you first started dating, and when he comes and visits me,” She said, scratching her chin slowly. “He’s precious to me.”
Jungkook’s cheeks reddened, “I missed her a lot when you were gone, you know,” He whispered, still not looking at you. “She’s part of my family now.”
You wanted to hold him right then and there, and it seemed that the universe agreed with you, because not a few moments later, lola called you over for a picture, where you rested in that warm embrace of his, satisfied.
You longed to stay there for eternity, you longed to hold him in your arms until your arms existed no longer.
Because you were each other’s sign to continue, the foreshadowing of the wonderful future that was yet to come for you both.
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