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Livestream Alan Wake!
Join the Gamin Viking over at his Twitch as he plays Alan Wake! Streaming has already started so join us you know you wanna hear a grown man scream in fear :)
You can also catch more of his LP’s on Youtube and possible give-a-ways on his Facebook!
A Rant on Gaming Difficulty.
If you were to traverse this dungeon you'd likely die unless you're skilled, just like if you existed in this world, except of course you wouldn't get to trek back and get all your stuff so you can try again. If you're a soldier in the gulf and you get shot in the face, guess what you're not re-spawning and you aren't getting a chance to ragequit or scream like a child on team speak (the number 1 reason most online FPS games have been ruined, surely the goal of a shooty game is to shoot each other not scream like 12 year old girls having a hissy fit, but I digress) that's it for you as it should be in game, be thankful you're getting fucking check points y'whiney bitch. I couldn't believe how many people were agreeing with this bitch fest, and then someone mentioned games like Bayonetta being too hard to finish on normal for average people... excuse me, what!?
My blood boiled, Bayonetta's mild difficulty curve was being put into so much question by all the replies to this comment and with each one it all became that little clearer. For the past year or so I've been reading reviews of games that seemed so, for want of a better phrase, right up their own arse, complaining that a game is shit because they kept dying, or they get hit and their body parts go flying and my initial thought would be "Learn to Dodge" this appears to be the mentality of the gaming world these days. Gamers are getting spoiled by games you can just walk through, where normal mode equates to the easy mode of the 90's, and I realize I may get panned for the things I'm about to say but it needs to be said. You've got a check point so no matter how many times you get shot and die you can keep playing without really losing anything, try playing a whole game where you die with one shot and only get 3 attempts at the whole game if you don't cheat. Oh dear, the puzzle game you're playing is too fast for you to solve at level 5? How about a game where there's 20 levels of speed and by the end you need those levels of build up to even have a chance? Y'like the way episodic games have a gentle difficulty curve that resets with each episode so y'can just walk through and see the story? How about a game that y'dont have to pay for repeatedly with a steady curve of difficulty so perfect that despite how hard it's going to get you'll keep playing because you're invested in the story, and when you finally beat that last big bad you know how much of a triumph it really is and you feel as if you were protagonist du jour beating the aliens or saving the land cause you felt exactly how hard it was on his or her journey.
You can give me any game released in the last 5 years that people consider too hard and I can give you a game from before that was harder and no one complained. Stuck in Quantum Conundrum? Try Dr. Mario! Getting your ass handed to you in Final Fantasy 13? Try grinding for levels in Final Fantasy 2!! Sick of being torn to shreds by villagers in Resident evil 5? Try having to go back to your last save and doing all that again cause a licker got in a lucky strike in Resident Evil 2. Even as series have grown they get such complaints, surely the difficulty shift down to suit these players would have shut them up but apparently not, not even the people who fashion themselves as Elite Gamers and put their opinions on games into mainstream media like our magazines and T.V games review shows. My word to them and all gamers who boo-hoo that they can't finish a game would be if they can't handle games with actual difficulty go play Hello Kitty Island adventure and leave the good games to the rest of us, yes you've paid for a game, this game may be hard but demanding your money back from the developer because you're a pussy at the game is bullshit.
Simple fact, games have always been a challenge, games without any challenge are no fun because surely what's the point in a game you can clock in 30 minutes after you've paid retail price for it. Does no one else remember playing a game like Doom, getting your ass handed to you but still continuing cause that very loose plot you were given at the start meant quite a bit because you forged the rest of the story yourself? You were given the premise of a marine trying to stop a gateway to hell, but the real story was his journey there, no cut-scenes or such, just you, a gun, and the hordes of hell spawn standing between you and that goal. That wasn't a story of a marine, it was a story of you in the role of a marine. With the Lower difficulty shift of games in the last few years it couldn't be like that, you'd simply be the guy with the controller. And that's what saddens me the most and it all can be boiled down to two very short sentences I once prayed I'd never ever have to say as a proud gamer.
Games haven't Gotten harder. Most Gamers have just Gotten Soft.
No matter what form it comes in, this speech is the most inspirational thing ever =w=
A Years Supply of Arse Biscuits- Action 52
This Should Be Illegal You Know - Holiday Special, Zelda CD-I
Games : Link : The Faces Of Evil - http://youtu.be/bNpLXo55yfw
Zelda : The Wand of Gamelon - http://youtu.be/9mHw5g55oC4
Zelda's Adventure - http://youtu.be/3O_ZPR2q7cg
Obtained Via : Emulation
In a market as competitive as the gaming industry immense commercial failures are bound to occur. It can't all be Super Famicoms and Playstation success stories, and among the console market's Titans many mortals have fallen by the wayside....
There have been many of note, The Atari Jaguar, The Vectrex, even Nintendo's own Virtual Boy, but none have gained such notoriety as the one and only Philips CD-I. Back when CD's were considered so futuristic and shiney you could spend a fortune just getting a home cd player Nintendo partnered with Sony and Philips to create an add-on for the Super Nintendo, mostly in a bid to outdo Sega. What resulted was Sega succeeding where Nintendo Failed, the creation of 2 systems one of which would go on to be the 3rd competitor in the Great Gaming war and the use of Beloved Characters of Nintendo fame by people who forgot games should be in some way fun.
The Legend of Zelda would fall victim to Philips and their ill-fated CD-I and that curse would go on to create the bulk of the anarchic youtube poops that litter the internet. So For the past week and a bit I have been playing these 3 legendarily terrible games, call it a late Christmas present from a Viking Santa.
On October 10th 1993 2 games developed by Animation Magic were released that would immortalise the CD-I, Link : The Faces of Evil and Zelda : The Wand of Gamelon. Starting up we are greeted by the ultimate insult to the green clad hero I could possibly think of, FMV Animations of our Hero Link depicted as any guy in Baywatch lacking the name David, Surfer boy link is shown as a bumbling fool, being stifled by the King he serves and lacking in the common sense to tell the old Magi Gwonam to wait just one second while he fetches all of his good equipment before being dragged on another dangerous quest. Taking on the side-scrolling adventure feel of Link's Adventure on the NES, this game featured what was quite possibly the worst control system I have ever used, not entirely certain of the console version since the CD-I had a bi-polar array of controller options, the emulator I used had the touchpad as a standard for this game, which leads me to assume the game was intended to be played with the CD-I Paddle controller or the ball mouse. To walk, you move your hand across the pad in the direction you wish to move, to do the ( Seriously what the fuck where they thinking ) Duckwalk you slide your finger down into a crouch. Need to Jump? Slide your finger up swiftly and to fight you just click, seems a simple enough prospect but try it.. seriously. Upon meeting the first character that wasn't an enemy you're faced with a dilemma unmatched by any other fantasy hero, to talk to characters you have to stab them with your sword, presumably cause the developers couldn't come up with any better way to do it with the controls... well either that or they assumed this is the norm and the office looked like a set from Dexter by developments end.
Link is lead to Koridai by a prophecy on an ancient scroll telling of Link's (and only Link's) Conquest over the Prince of Darkness Ganon, and so he must Travel to Koridai and conquer each of the faces of evil, great Mountain sized statues of rather stupid faces by defeating their various gaurdians, including A suit of armour, a rather horrifying Pig thing, a three eyed Wolf Witch and a gigantic blob with one eye that is apparently a cyclops.
Across his quest Link meets a cast of memorable and witty characters in every game other than these ones, honestly only two characters in this game are memorable other than Zero I.Q Link and Zelda, the notorious King Harkinian and Morshu the Shopkeeper and that's purely for the LOL Factor. When that quest finally comes to an end, Link faces down Ganon, Prince of all that is Dark, and is offered the chance to become the Darth Vader to Ganon's Palpatine in Hyrule and the whole world. But our Link being the pillar of light he is throws the book at Ganon, and that's where it ends. Seriously, that wasn't a pun about enforcing the Law of good, Link throws a book at Ganon and he gets sucked inside (A book that is also a pit apparently, and it Burns) with a phrase that has double use as something to yell at a doctor during your prostate exam. Finally Link has saved Zelda and the Land of Koridai returns to peace (not that we get to see that) and Link is once again refused even the tiniest of kisses, and with the proclaimation of "I WON" ( What have you won Link...Honestly what was your gain from this?? ) the game comes to a close, with Ganon sealed forever, but not really cause he's got his sights set on Gamelon.
The King has received disturbing news, OH NO!! The Land of Gamelon and it's ruler Duke Onkled are under attack by Ganon's Forces and King Harky is so distraught ( not so distraught of course that he forgets his dinner ) that he sets off alone to aid him with instructions to send Link if he hasn't returned in a month. Of course he fails to return and Sex Doll Link sets off and is not seen for the rest of gameplay. So we are left with the spoilt brat princess Zelda and her nurse maid Impa to travel to Gamelon and Save her Father and defeat the Prince of Darkness who can only be defeated by Link. So we play the same game again with new locales, new just as stupid bosses and experience Zelda's Attitude to Homicide first hand. Same Situations, same brand of characters, same awful controls. Until Zelda storms Reesong Palace to Face Ganon in a lair resembling more of a store room than a Prince of Darkness's Lair of evil and throws the Wand of Gamelon at his face, which then summons some chains and binds Ganon into the Book again, where the book came from this time is in no way explained. With Ganon Defeated the King is saved and we are immediately transported back to Hyrule Castle where the Duke is turned over for his crimes and punished for acts that must have resulted in thousands of Koridians and Hylians alike being mercilessly slaughtered by scrubbing floors... Fitting right?
Alas the world is once again free of the notorious Ganon and all is well, but wait the writers seemed to forget something at this point, Link had not been found. In an act of pure "Where the fuck did that come out've??" Zelda enraged by a handmaiden chucks her priceless mirror at a wall where it promptly shatters freeing Hero of Time Barbie and everyone laughs at him for being a retard, an apt ending to this farce really.
In the land of Tolemac ( *ahem* ) an age of darkness has descended, the Lord of Evil Ganon ( They actually mis-spell this in game ) has stolen the 7 celestial signs and captured Link so none can stand in his way. So somewhere over the course of the last year since the last two games were released he's forgotten that Zelda exists and despite popular prophetic belief that she too can defeat him. This time around the game features full live video, with exactly the same class of voicing and in an effort to return to series routes is a top down adventure moving from screen to screen like the NES original. But unlike the cartoony sprites of yesteryear they used photo sprites, like the sprites used in Mortal Kombat, of the actress who plays Ammish Zelda. This seems like it would have been a good idea based on the live action videos but it just becomes this badly animated disjointed mess.
And that's really what this game is, a complete mess, you begin unarmed and must find your weapon, the biggest problem there being screens are small.. very small and when you move to a new screen........... ...... ......... ........ That is actually the best description I can give, the game stops solid, the music stops and then you wait, sometimes a good solid 30 seconds for the next screen to load, this was truly insane to me and at times I second thought my choice to review it. Gameplay in Zelda's Adventure is somewhat more solid than the other two games on the CD-I but that can't absolve this game of its sins, clunky ugly menus, badguys that just wont shut their traps when youre wailing on em and What the Hell is that Noise that blares when you kill a boss!?
It's a bog standard dungeon crawl, with each dungeon ending in a sickeningly easily boss monster, in alot of cases they were actually simpler than the monsters they rule over ( One particularly bad case of this was a dragon that could only face left as it moved around ) and most unfortunately this boss weakness rule stands firm when we reach the gigantic horny demon monster at the end that is only comparable to Ganon due to his trident. He spends the battle apparating and vanishing hurling balls of lightning very slowly, always facing down, so I spent the entire battle, slapping him until he was vanquished and turned into some tornado thing that vanished. I received absolutely no damage in this battle, and after the boss rush that preceedes him, the process of the Boss being weaker stands very true. This boss rush alone actually gave me a headache due to the very annoying process of the game seemingly forgetting what song its supposed to be playing at the beginning of every battle.
With Cyber Demon Ganon Defeated and his Tornado thing buggered off to mess with Bill Pullman presumably, the temple of doom environment cracks and is no more, leaving Zelda and Link holding Hands in the now very pretty Tolemac. Awhhhhhh right? Mmmmnaaaahhhh The old man who prattled off the story at the beginning gets the last word, talking from his tower window back in Hyrule to Zelda who is apparently off somewhere with Link "Celebrating" and so we leave off from the Triforce of Squaddulah, Dinner and Backwards Camelot, finally putting the CD-I to rest safe in the knowledge that it can't hurt us anymore.
In closing, the Zelda CD-I games have found a special place in the heart of the internet, their appeal merely in the land of farce and ridicule. Ironically for once the game I review has given me the line with which to describe it and its fellow bed mates.. "Gee Sure is Boring Around Here."
I write so much about bad games that I get asked what's my measure of a good game regularly, Well here's a big start. Those of you who played this rare gem will know how much of a wonder it truly is, only surpassed by 2 in the series.
Made-up Cousin, Killer Doughnut - Hong Kong '97
Game = Hong Kong '97 by HappySoft Obtained Via = Emulator cause I wasnt paying THAT for THAT!!
Video Footage = http://youtu.be/oka1XfJuSc8 (Warning : Contains Racial Slurs) It's not often you encounter a game that makes you want to rip off your ears in a fury and destroy all trace of the Cartridge with some manner of sledgehammer. Now you may ask what manner of game could evoke such a violent response, Introducing~ Hong Kong '97 for the Super Nintendo.
Made in 1995 by ironically titled Development group "HappySoft" in the dying days of the Super Famicom, the game, set during the transfer of sovereignty to Hong Kong, places us in the role of Chin (Apparently Bruce Lee's Cousin as touted by the introduction) who has been hired by the Hong Kong Government to wipe out the entire Chinese nation's populace to halt the wave of crime striking the newly sovereign country. Yet meanwhile in China research was underway to create the worlds greatest weapon... the reanimated severed head of Deng Xiaoping (The Guy hadn't even died yet) ...when it comes to Bio-weapons.. wow even by disater movie standards that's a stupid one.
Upon switching on the game the player is bombarded by the shrill track of "I love Beijing Tiananmen" in a 3 second loop that will remain with you until you finish and haunt you for days (See ripping off your ears above) but like most horror movies the horrible music is but a prelude to what the player is about to have done to them. After the rather short and baffling intro to the story the game begins very abruptly, as Chin, who simply stands out as being the only person on screen wearing white, begins his crusade of shooting Chinese policemen, and if you figure out any of this before you get an instant game over, fair play to ya.
The game's health system is..well absent, there is none, no extra lives no continues, only a rather grusome Game Over Screen of a pixelated corpse, and here's the kicker, Everything kills you in one shot, sometimes even items that the dead folks drop that are meant to help you. So you toil away, shooting and avoiding everything for fear of death by doughnut (I'm not kidding) until after many shootouts with cars IT appears the severed head of Deng Xiaoping complete with badly drawn ms-paint blood just in case the giant head trying to squish you wasn't evidence enough that it had been detatched from its body. After a rather pointless bout with the dismembered photo, it explodes in a cheap rectangle gif of an explosion like everything else you shot with your fist and you're treated to a lavish ending sequence where all that horrible gameplay was justified by the engorging story of Chin's pursuit of happiness, except I'm totally lying and the game just starts all over again, same Maoist propaganda backdrop and all. If at this point your brain hasn't imploded in protest to the music you'll want to turn off the power, remove the cartridge and place on a burning pyre Darth Vader style just so it can't hurt anyone else.. or sell it on Ebay to some guy in Taiwan willing to shell out big bucks for an actual copy.
The game has developed a cult following over the years in some asian nations, most likely due to apparent so Bad it's Good appeal, I much rather the term So Bad it's like being violated by a Cactuar. It even prompted a Spin off, Taiwan 2001 which brought back the gameplay in its full ulcer inducing pestilence adding a bombing option for some reason. The game was distributed by HappySoft themselves since no game store wanted to touch the product, and as a byproduct is now one of the rarest games in existence and will sell for a premium online. Thus we say goodbye to this abomination as well as HappySoft who were never heard from again, and as we put this racial slur packaged as a game to a violent firey rest, I leave you with one rather baffling thought that has plagued me since I first played it so long ago... Why was the Canadian Embassy mentioned under support?
