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Me, The MFWIZARD! At one of those guild pot-lucks mother makes me go to: Bored, Eavesdroppin, as you do. Some dumb ass who can’t hold their wine drunkenly telling kids: Remember to pray and bless your meal! MFW sippin a fine wine like it’s normal to chardonnay at lunch: You can’t do that. DA: What? MFW: They can’t do that. DA: Yes, they can. MFW: No, they can’t. You need to be holy to do that. You know, robes, members of the order. Stuff like that. DA: They can pray. MFW: Yeah. They can pray their food is blessed. They can ask for it. From a deity. Who can do that. They cannot. DA: Are you saying children can’t be holy?! MFW: No. I’m telling you they’re not. They’re being raised religious. Holy takes a deeper dedication. DA: How dare you! MFW: Wanna ask my bro about it? HEY! GDPALADIN! Get over here! This guy wants to discuss religion with you! I have never been given such a smoldering, send-me-to-hell-glare as I did in hour three of the GDPaladin happily going over minute details of minor religious rights with the dumb ass who couldn’t escape long enough to get a much-needed drink. That’ll teach ‘em to sneer at my familiar.

#GDPaladin #MFWIZARD #the Terrifying Familiar #maybe it was a bit much #toasting him when I walked by #with my new glass of wine #but that ass has been handing out incorrect knowledge for years and getting away with it #bitch was all: oh no! You can eat holy wafers and they will sustain you!#no they fucking wont!#these people are poor!#what they need is food #you ass!#he's fucking loaded too #in more than one way #Holier than though little shit #I think I'll have my familiar eat him #anyway #it kept my bro off my back #snuck away with some sausage rolls and a whole fruit tray

The GD Paladin is at it again.

We’re supposed to go to a show and have a day out getting supplies for each other as a team building exercise. His idea. Now, a while ago I stopped reminding him when events were due to his moral outrage that I could, you know, use a day planner. Dad, the wizard for higher, (’s), birthday is this weekend. The very day he planned this massive outing.

Suddenly, (according to mom), it’s My fault everyone’s plans have to be rearranged to accommodate a mid-day meal we have literally never had to ceremoniously do before Because I choose to not reminding my brother that he’s an idiot. I’m going to make a zombie jump out of the cake.

#GDPaladin #family gathering #zombie cake #wtf mom?#dose no one else know how to plan?#day planners #they are a thing.

I’m fabulous, I know.

Necromantic Mobster: Worse comes to worse, I can always try to murder him and get another one shipped over. "I don't know what happened Nonno. I guess I'll continue to be without a guard."

Gangsta B: You could always have another guard. A necromancer can't be too careful in a city at war.

MFWizard: You know I have contingencies for that, right? I mean... the rabbit needs his kibble. And by kibble I mean fresh veggies and bodies.

GB: I was talking about NM there.

MFW: Oh.

NM: I meaaaan, probably, but three necromancers in the same city? They're gonna fight.

"That body is mine!"

"No, fuck off, I laid hands on it first."

"Well, I have the soul, so both of you are wrong."

MFW: I expect it to be hilarious. Like a pit fight with zombies while the resurrecters drink and be rowdy in the cheap seats. Robot Wars... body edition.

NM: Am down .

Fate Bound Street Hack: Would watch.

NM: Best undead friend.

GDPaladin: I HAVE SENSED EVIL AND AM HERE TO SMI...ite it? Damn it (MFWizard)! How many times do I have to tell you, if you're going to have your friends over, Ask First!

NM: Is he edible?

TerrifyingFamiliar: Yes.

MFW: Maybe?

GDP: NO.

NM: He looks so full of blood though. You're sure?

MFW: I mean, I've been trying to kill him since time immemorial, and all he ever does is look cocky and eat all my cheese puffs.

NM: I mean, vampire. Hi.

MFW: Yeah, I wouldn't. My roomie is an undead just nuts enough to have tried it. I had to reconstitute him from ash. Come to think of it, that f****r ~still~ hasn't paid me back for the res spell.

NM: XD. We're actually keeping you

#MFWIzard #GDPaladin #terrifying familiar #real conversations #nothing I ever do is 'safe for work'

The lawyer by day, fighter by night, was carted off to Hell by a contract daemon. Presumably for beating him in a court case before the Celestial Counsel. Sure the party got her back, but who did she lash out at? Yeah. The MFWizard. My main job is Necromancy and mayhem. (I also moonlight as a potions maker and undertaker. Mostly for the bodies.)

Oh sure, she hugged the Paladin (jerk) and cried with the pixie rouge. But not me. I get a log thrown at my head.

You know why? Because I’m smart and that somehow meant I was supposed to get her out with legal trickery instead of the arcane arts and blades. Lots of blades. Wielded by skeletons. (I may have looted the office supplies.)

After 7 hours of being berated, I admit; I got tired.

"What in your insane mind makes you think I have legal training? That's your job! I'm a MFWizard. I speak direct, no muss no fuss... okay a little, but not legal! You wanna be an a*s because you win your court battles by f*****g around with the language making it so straight talk doesn't work any more, get caught in a legal snare, and we gotta clean up the mess? Fine!

See how you handle those imps in filling at the office with out me for a while! Oh, I know! Lets dump 40 hours of potions work on top of it, and corps demands. Lets included dealing with a hard headed Paladin who wont lay on hands for drain damage because you didn’t tithe for a month or three! Even the neutral good pixie won’t correct level drain because you use fairy wings in healing potions, but oh no! Always drinks them when she needs them, though! Never a thank you, just condemnation!

You deal with having a brilliant, unappreciated mind and being stuck with a bunch of 'oh I’m not helping you because I’m morally opposed to your life style, but also totally give me all the stuff I need or I’ll accuse you of being selfish’ fools mucking up your life because your mother runs the adventures guild and makes the team assignments.

I went through literal Hell to get you back, and now I have got you out all you do is fucking B***h. You know what... f**k you. You went through Hell, and I ain't denying it. But so did I. Next time you wanna complain to me about this bull s**t, you give me a little advanced warning. I need the time to extra-dimensional-order a strap on from Amazon so you can Suck It."

She stormed off, the pixie rouge shook her head and jingled something at me and the GDPaladin told mother.

I’m 37 and I’m grounded.

My familiar thinks this is hilarious.

#MFWIZARD #GDPaladin #pixie rouge #lawyer fighter #the GDPaladin told me I couldn't whip it out anymore #or grab and jiggle #something about it being rude #terrifying familiar

“I don’t care what you thought you were doing, you burned down an orphanage,” the GDPaladin cried out in exasperation. “You’re going to kneel there and pray for forgiveness.”

Thrusting the M.F.Wizard down on the little musty pillow, the GDPaladin stood guard, waiting. Straining his ears he finally manged to catch snatches of his brother’s conversation with the higher power.

“Our Father, who art in heaven, what the f**k dude? Serious, can’t a guy catch a break? Amen.”

The GDPaladin rolled his eyes, but what had he really expected from a necromancer?