#queer diary

[mephistophelescoffee]

I love that people, when given access to green pretty nature hideaway spaces in the summer, just start smooching and loving.

[mephistophelescoffee]

[mephistophelescoffee]

Day 9 of no tiktok

I have just been working and then crashing in bed, but this is the last day before 2 days off! ✨✨

I am also happy to report that the no tiktok use has helped a lot with my energy during and after work. Though my switch eats up a lot of it now. In-between work and bed my brain has just logged off before I can stop it, except a second hand shop treat here and there. Playing baba is you and animal well while feeling sleepy and worn out.

I need a shot of self love today to start out my days off!

I will not set out firm goals and frighten my joy back in its shell but I want to make something ✨ And also let myself have self respect enough to believe in myself 🙂‍↕️

[mephistophelescoffee]

Tuesday+Wednesday, 23+24 of june day 4+5 of no tiktok.

Tuesday was a workday and was spent spring cleaning the workplace, talking to coworkers and providing host services as per usual. I also managed on my break to go and get some more wall hooks+amazingly perfectly cozy string lights for the apartment.

On Wednesday I had a day off, it was spent cleaning, putting up said cozy lights, being utterly delighted by how good it looked and also managing to plan and book a Berlin trip in August. My second ever solo trip! This time I'm sleeping away for 2 nights and not just one.

I also started to listen to a book about "the reading mind: a cognitive approach" which made me cry a bit because it is written with so much warm humanity and wit, played the puzzle game "baba is you" and thought about how now that my life is more stable and I have less people who stress me out and keeping my energy to myself, I heal wounds faster and my bush is thicker and more lush.

After I realized that last bit I read a bit of a scientific article about stress and wound healing, and also gave myself lots of internal praise for getting this far.

Oh and the tiktok abstinence was way less, and ive been getting creating, reading and exploring itches instead.

[lady-buzzkill]

I’ve been feeling so gross today like today I feel ugly, stupid, fat, and gay <\3 I need like 300 bucks <\3 and like a kiss or smthn

[ariaoftheastralclocktower]

When do we actually feel without desire? I am in a near-constant state of mildly desperate hornyness, and yet, the inability to actually fullfil that desire, may it be due to physical or social limitations, leaves me yearning no matter what. I met a good friend recently. It was satisfying, and yet the experience only lasted for exactly as long as we were in direct physical contact with each other. Barely having settled down in the train, uncertainty overwhelmed and for good reason it seems. How can I be perceived as myself, if I am just becoming? How can others conduct this operation on my behalf? Whom can I give that burden, whom do I dare to ask? The impuls in my life has been to be as little a nuisance as possible. That impuls has been confirmed as correct time and time again, as I learned that my actual presence tends to be painful, at least in the mediated form it existed before I became myself. Now I am uncertain. I know that I can remain unregulated, as long as I remain my self, but to maintain that status requires regulation in and of itself. Once we realise that our actual selves are incompatible with our socio-cultural environment, we turn towards character-as-performance. So what if your own physicality, your own pre-determined socio-cultural position serves as the disposition of incompatibility? The result is an infinitely granular masking performance, which becomes increasingly difficult to disentangle from your legitimate needs and desires. I l-o/i-ive in a permanent state of stress. I am constantly surrounded by remnants of my past, many of which are people I hold dear. I had to teach them as well to respect my new me, and it's embrionic fragility. I am proud to exist, but it is exhausting.

[thousandsofroses]

just in case no one told you this tonight, then

goodnight, luv u ❤️

[thousandsofroses]

ugh whip lash lately with my gender.

i’m a woman i love being a woman how could i have ever hated my boobs, glorious! i’m a bog creature, no gender, feeling ugly and uncomfortable in my body but certain i am not a woman or a man, embracing my creatureness. i’m man adjacent and in a very androgynous, ambiguous way. i’m some secret fourth gender, just a hyper specific memory or feeling. i’m a woman i love my curves. i hate my curves and i’m not fully a woman. WHAT THE FUCK. i’m EXHAUSTED!!