#gendering about

[sewerbuddy]

i’m really coming around to being a dude and i think i’m not as nb as i first thought. i think i was using that to sort of shield myself from the obvious discomfort i felt and bc i hadn’t really been able to live the way i currently am. plus i think i had some hangups abt what men can or can’t do (which i would assume are pretty common) but i’m getting into some wholesome mlm culture and i think that’s helping. also testosterone and just being so much more comfortable with just existing?

[sewerbuddy]

My voice is doing stuff bc t and I was like 'oh no what if I'm not trans' and I thought about being viewed as a woman and that was very quickly put to bed

[sewerbuddy]

i’m moving away from the ace label, i think

i’m p sure my having ided as ace for a long time is la result of a combination of social dysfunction (bc adhd maybe? anxiety? other shit?), dysphoria, and having a tendency toward avoidance. this shit’s uncertain and while i hesitate to go so far as calling it scary, i think that’s appropriate. i think i’ve internalized my dysphoria so much that it’s actually very difficult to pick out, it’s so compressed. and i think that maybe my dysphoria is the root of my depression? everything is so well-compacted that it’s hard to tell the pieces apart. i think that  while my avoidant behavior really cemented around puberty when i became unbearably depressed (hm, dysphoria maybe?), it certainly didn’t come out of nowhere. i’m hoping that by furthering in transition i can start to address these feelings and behaviors

this is scary and uncertain but i’m going to do my best to deal with it. i’m looking forward to the future though

[sewerbuddy]

just as i was about to change the pronouns in my sidebar they suddenly change back

[sewerbuddy]

*nearly walks into men's bathroom* oh wrong bathroom

*nearly walks into women's bathroom* wait a sec

[sewerbuddy]

One thing that I always feel weird about is like when I have femme days it's like what's expected of me as a dfab person but because of my actual identity I expect my actions to be perceived as more idk subversive

[sewerbuddy]

Okay so I got my packers like last week or whatever but I just got another one in the mail and I'm pretty confused