#genderings

[genderqueerpond]

reading old posts from that time i was seriously considering stopping identifying as trans and

1. god i was really transparently trans and in pain, no wonder the community "failed" to encourage me to leave??? why was that so...*not* obvious to me at the time? did i not hear myself?

2. i was still Right about certain intracommunity politics

[genderqueerpond]

anyway i was in the shower thinking about gender (because that’s normal, right?) and .... mm.

Disclaimer: I’m going to talk about butch identity for some of this, and I want to make it clear that I’m repeating what I’ve heard, not putting words in anyone’s mouth... also that I don’t identify as butch, and I’m never going to, since they’re

a) generally self-described as a type of woman, and i’m not comfortable with that

b) generally (required to be? this is a discourse i am NOT getting involved in) exclusively attracted to women, and I’m not that

c) people whose preferred outward expression is solely masculine/fitting a somewhat specific aesthetic, which is not mine

which from what i’ve heard are the main qualifiers to claim the identity, and seeing as I meet none of them... yeah. Not for me.

But I also want to give credit where credit is due, not pretend I pulled any of these concepts out of my own head, because I didn’t. And there’s a thing I’ve seen some butches talk about, which I relate to very very deeply, and it’s this idea of... masculine womanhood

Like, a womanhood that is intrinsically, deeply tied to masculinity, that is simultaneously based in having masculinity and in overturning of it. Something that is nurturing and warm and gentle because of the masculinity it may seem to conflict with. Still ultimately womanhood, if it’s anything, but distinct from it at the same time. an inversion of it, a complete rewriting of it where the heart of it is taking masculinity and claiming it. And that’s important to what it is, not incidental.

idk, i relate to that. I’m not saying it’s the way every butch woman is - i am in no way qualified to say that, nor would i want to if i was. but it’s butches i’ve heard talk about this and idk it’s something i feel really, really connected to.

?????

idk what would be for me, a type of bigender? girlprox or that other one? this is all further complicated by genderfluidity, and whatever i put my finger on slips out and transforms into something else the minute i do so, but.... but. Sometimes I wonder how real that even is, and not just fluidity in ways of expressing and conceptualizing the same thing but. Idk. I just kinda wish there was a term that expressed and encompassed all this.

[genderqueerpond]

me: i am a Fake Non-Cis person there is a 100% chance i am completely faking everything and i am actually a cis girl

someone: *explicitly calls me a girl*

me: it is Time to burst into tears and also disassociate

me ten minutes later: i am a Fake, very fake

[genderqueerpond]

me: i don't experience dysphoria,,, also if i put on clothes that emphasize my body shape i feel weird and bad for some weird reason lol i wonder why that could be

me: i don't care about presenting more masculine, also clothes arent gendered,, weird story though, if i put on "masculine" clothes i instantly feel like 1000 times lighter and happier and more confident, weird right lol

me: i'm basically cis

[genderqueerpond]

queer adults/older role models are so important

[genderqueerpond]

gender is a minefield

[genderqueerpond]

so uh really long gender rant ahead. i want to put it under a read more, but i only have a phone at the moment so i can’t… sorry. feel free to scroll past this. advice is appreciated if you do read + have an opinion though (as long as that opinion isn’t “you’re a filthy poser and you need to stop”)

anyone else kinda sick of being not trans enough? and idk i don’t mean people leaving out nonbinary people because they’re assholes; i mean… idk. i’m mostly a girl. afab. basically a cis girl, at least in the sense of those words originating from “same side” and “other side”. if gender *were* binary (it’s not, but other people’s understanding is as much a part of how i feel my place among them than anything else) i’m certainly on that side of the line in the middle. even if it were divided into three equal pieces instead, i’m PROBABLY still somewhere in the “girl” section rather than the “nb” one. but. but. i’m not completely and sometimes that fact is kinda overwhelming and i want to scream it at people, and sometimes it doesn’t matter to me at all. sometimes my identity fluctuates a little and lands me in “actually a girl”. but that’s not its default place. but it lasts long enough that, every time it happens, i decide i was never nonbinary in the first place, and it was false and appropriative of me to ever identify as such, when my “default” gender is so close to this binary one anyway. and then my gender pulls through its default state and beyond in a different direction (sometimes masculine, sometimes…. idk) and i can’t stand it again and i pull back the nonbinary identity,,, and then as soon as it’s not screaming at me i’m convinced i made it all up, and i feel bad this has been going on for something like five years, and it’s tiring. i’m tired of it. i wish i could just identify as nonbinary under the trans umbrella, but i feel like i’m lying, and claiming things i truly don’t experience. it would be so much simpler to just identify as a girl, but i don’t want to. i don’t even want to be told i’m trans enough at this point. i’m not trans enough for MYSELF, i know there are many people who would include me and that’s fine, but there are too many common experiences i don’t really relate to, trying to fit in feels like trying to change myself. but i don’t want to identify as simply a cis girl either, i kind of can’t stand to.

what i really want is to identify as nonbinary and a girl and not trans, not because that’s what i think other people who are like me should do, that’s up to them, but because that’s how *i feel*. but that’s not really an option in the current understanding of these things. either you’re trans or you’re cis and either way i feel like i’m lying

i just want to exist as i am and not keep second guessing it