Wrestling with labels: a nonbinary memoir.
Do I identify as mostly male? female? neither?
Short answer: Yes
Long answer: My gender identity is fluid. Meaning, I experiance days where I feel closer to womanhood, others where I'm positively male, and then other days where even the notion that I have a gender is remarkably upsetting.
This is called being genderfluid. I would say this happens on a day to day basis, but that wouldnt be as accurate. The truth is I don't know when the switches happen, but they do. I can be reading something related to womanhood and feel like an intruder, or at the very least - other, whereas others days I'm like "Yep, dats me. I am woman"
it also revolves around mental image.
How I physically perceive myself.
When I'm feeling male - I see a man.
Female - a woman
Neither - Just an adorgynous blob with bad eyeliner. I kid, it's more like a combination of both, but it's important to note that trying to pericieve a gender when I'm this state is impossibly difficult, and upsetting.
And then, sometimes, they cross eachother, or mix. And it's jarring tbh. And I do experiance dysphoria: Just not all the time. You can imagine my body becomes a bit of a problem when I feel male lol. (yes, I'm afab) Or when I have to present as a woman, when that's not how I'm feeling that day.
In this way, I go with a bundle of labels (that all neatly fit under the umbrella of "Nonbinary"). Genderfluid, Agender, demigender, genderflux. All of it, neatly packed into one human being.
You can see from this massive lump of labels why I prefer to just write "Nonbinary" and if pressed Genderfluid, or genderflux.
I've spent a lot of time trying to unpack this. And to be honest: I may be completely wrong or using labels incorrectly. If the latter is the case I do apologize, but I find it absolutely necessary to try and articulate my constant struggle (struggle in the wrestling sense, not suffering sense.)
