“Game of Thrones” Season VII: Episode 5 - Let’s Do the Time Warp Again
WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode below, so if you haven’t seen it and don’t know yet who dies, who fucks who, and who finally stopped rowing, turn back now.
THE ROAD TO KING’S LANDING
So right from the get-go, we have Bronn and Jaime popping up like -
And Bronn’s pretty much just like -
But most importantly, the man who was sinking to the bottom of the river at the end of last episode swam to safety with full armor and a golden hand!
But if you want logic, look elsewhere because D&D spent an entire episode last season with Arya doing parkour and now THEY HAVE NO TIME!!!
P-Dinky is the only one looking for Jaime, which seems crazy considering he was like the general of the Lannister army and seems like an important enemy, but whatever. And honestly, maybe P-Dinky’s not even looking for him, he could totally just be like -
Anyway, it matters not because the Dothraki are marching all the Lannisters to D-Baby like -
except at the top of the rock is a giant hungry dragon and a crazy lady who’s like “I’m not here to murder you” when just a few hours ago she was like -
She’s predictably giving her same old “Bend the knee or die” spiel, and some people bend the knee but then the dragon’s like -
and totally torches Daddy Tarly and Dickface.
and then all the non-believers are like -
KING’S LANDING
Jaime used the teleportation device and struts into Cersei’s room looking like he just did a full day of Tough Mudder. And Cersei’s like, “Don’t worry bro, we’re gonna beat her.” But Jaime’s, like, “Shut your mouth. Pack your bags.
DRAGONSTONE
D-Baby is back on her dragon, which is charging full fucking speed at J-Snow like -
But J-Snow just whips out his inner Caesar Milan like -
and Drogon's instantly like -
And lemme tell you, D-Baby slides off that dragon like -
#MustLoveDragons.
By the way, did you know that D-Baby thinks of her dragons as her children?
D&D just wanted to drop that little nugget in there one more time before Jorah Mormont pops up like -
And suddenly Dragonstone just got a lot like -
I’m Team Jorah. Always.
Somewhere in here there’s also a scene with Varys where’s he’s basically just like -
WINTERFELL
Bran’s taking a break from reciting Jaden Smith tweets to summon all the Winterfell ravens like -
and they’re flying for a long time. And they’re just kinda like, Snow. Wall. Then boom. White Walkers.
And Bran’s spying and it’s totally going well until the fucking Night King is just like -
OLDTOWN
But Bran does send a raven to Oldtown, which of course causes MORE heartbreaking conflict between Sam and National Treasure Jim Motherfucking Broadbent. And more importantly, more Harry Potter references. Because Sam is basically like, “Be brave, Professor. Be brave like my mother.” And you can tell NTJMFB wants to just be like -
But alas, he’d be rocking the boat of the other maesters too much.
So Sam runs to the Restricted Section, he grabs a bunch of scrolls and shit, he takes Gilly, he takes Little Baby Boyhood and he’s just like -
DRAGONSTONE
J-Snow also gets a raven, and at first he’s like, “OMG Bran’s alive!” OMG ARYA’S alive!” And we think J-Snow may actually have to deal with legit emotions, but then he’s just like, “Winter is coming.”
So P-Dinky comes up with a plan to do a private screening of An Inconvenient Truth for Cersei in the form of J-Snow and Jorah... going to capture... a wight? And like... bringing it to her... to show her...???
KING’S LANDING
Part of the above plan is that Davos will smuggle P-Dinky into King’s Landing to meet with Jaime so they can get the audience for the screening. So they use the teleportation device to get there in no time flat, of course. And the bro reunion goes about as awkwardly as imagined.
Meanwhile, Davos is like, “I have business in Fleabottom. And we’re all like -
Sure enough it’s Him...
But of course D&D ruin the moment real quick by having Davos literally say, “Wasn’t sure I’d find you. Thought you might still be rowing.”
In actuality, he does have a point; you’d expect his arms to be a LITTLE bigger.
But really, he hasn’t been rowing all that time. He’s been forging shit, but all the while like -
So he’s like, “Fuck this. I’m ready,” and he takes out this giant hammer that literally looks like an inflatable toy I had when I was a child. Except it super fucks up these two Monty Python guards when Davos fails to distract them with a Viagra pitch.
Jaime brings the Al Gore news to Cersei, who’s suddenly open to it.
And she’s got some more news as well -
DRAGONSTONE
Gendry and Davos are fucking back, and truly someone is gonna open up a fucking alternate dimension with all this time-hopping, MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULDN’T HAVE SPENT SO MUCH DAMN TIME WITH PODRICK SLAYING VADGE IN KING’S LANDING BACK IN SEASON THREE!!! But more importantly J-Snow meets Gendry and he’s like, “You look leaner.” And Gendry’s like, “You look shorter.”
WINTERFELL
So remember how last week Arya was like -
Yeah, now she’s like -
Because conflict. So later on when Littlefinger is being Littlefinger and creeping around, Arya’s sneaking around after him like-
Like, girl. You trained with Faceless Assassins for TWO FUCKING SEASONS. This is the best you can do?!?
Anyway, Littlefinger totally knows what she’s doing, because she’s literally just hiding behind pillars.
So he leaves something for her in the form of the letter the Small Council made Sansa write to Robb in Season 1 begging him to bend the knee. In other words, it’s gonna fuel Arya’s newfound suspicion of her sister. Naturally, Littlefinger is pleased.
EASTWATCH
Our last fucking stop on our whirlwind tour of Westeros this week is Eastwatch, which for being the title of the episode is a very brief stop. We’ve got all the dudes here - J-Snow, Jorah, Gendry, and Davos meeting with Tormund, who’s really hung up on Brienne.
They team up with even more dudes when Tormund reveals he’s imprisoned Beric Dondarrion, The Hound, and The Dude. So they’re gonna join in on this wight expedition.
And then they’re off. Beyond the wall. And from there, it’s a Michael Bay wet dream.
BODY COUNT: 4 (RIP Daddy Tarly and Dickface) BOOB COUNT: None EPISODE GRADE: B
SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS
Nobody says “Cunt” like Bronn.
Right from the get-go, there’s a curve-ball with the War of the Two Queens - we all kinda figured this season would end with an all-out brawl between Cersei and Daenerys, right? Now that seems unlikely, at least in a militaristic sense.
Daenerys is turning evil clue: Just last week she was all, “I’m a ruler because people chose me,” but now she’s forcing people to bend the knee out of fear. That said, I expected more to be done with Tyrion’s feeling icky about the whole situation. It felt like we were being set up for more conflict there that vanished around the halfway point of the episode.
Daenerys doesn’t know Jon is a Targaryen, so her driving Drogon straight at him is pretty crazy. I mean, we gotta believe if he hadn’t dog-whispered it it would have eaten him, right? What the fuck was her move there?
We’ve only seen three people interact with dragons as Jon did this episode. He did it, Daenerys has done it, and Tyrion. There’s been a long-standing book theory that Tyrion is a Targaryen. And the dragon does have three heads.
The whole wight thing seems really stupid, right?
And another stupid thing: the key to Jon’s parentage randomly hiding in a book in Oldtown. But cleverly done, I think, with Sam ignoring it. So you gotta figure both Bran and he are needed to reveal the truth to Jon - Bran knows that he’s not a bastard - that he’s a Targaryen, and Sam (with Gilly’s info) will know that Rhaegar didn’t abduct and rape Lyanna - it was a consensual love affair.
Sansa will be queen theory proof: Once again being the one person thinking about the realm and the future as opposed to what will be best for the moment at hand.
I loved pretty much everything about Gendry’s re-entrance - the Jon-him dynamic mirroring their fathers’ most of all. And I’m amending my Sansa is queen at the end, Tyrion is her hand, to adding Gendry on as Sansa’s king. It would be the Baratheon-Stark marriage that was meant all along, plus a Lannister (possibly Targaryen) on the side.
This pregnancy news is crazy after I brought up her possibly dying in childbirth last week. Do we believe it? It’s a huge power play on Jaime regardless of its legitimacy.
Where’s Theon?
Where’s Uncle Freddie Mercury?
Where’s Barack? Isn’t Michelle worried?
All right, so we gotta figure there will be some casualties in the North during what seems destined to be another big money episode. I’m calling J-Snow safe, same with Gendry or else why bring him back? Anyone else could go, although Beric or Thoros wouldn’t sting much. But Tormund, Davos, or Jorah going might be happening...
NEXT WEEK: Hardhome: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.