KYLE WILSON! The Blog

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VIII: Episode 6 - Who Made You King of Anything?

Obama was president, the Harry Potter movies were wrapping up, Netflix wasn’t creating original content, and binge-watching had barely begun. I was a freshman in college, and Game of Thrones was a well-respected new prestige drama from HBO, a sort of “Sopranos in Middle-Earth.” A lot has changed. Donald Trump is in office, Disney owns Star Wars, Netflix releases a bevy of original content seemingly every day, and Game of Thrones became - I think it’s now safe to say - bifurcated into two TV shows, the first (seasons 1-4) an adaptation of George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire, the second (seasons 5-8) an attempt at the resolution of that unfinished story by the show-runners D&D which melded together a list of plot points by Martin, fan speculation, and D&D’s own imagination, or lack thereof. Whether we like it or not, this is how it is. And whether we like it or not, this is the ending. As I’m sure is true of everyone, I have a lot of thoughts. But first, one last trip down GIF lane.

KING’S LANDING

We begin with the most terrifying words ever written - “Directed by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss.”

And then it’s P-Dinky and the boys. Strutting through King’s Landing all -

Except way more -

on account of all the genocide. And there’s this burnt dude walking by who’s like -

So P-Dinky breaks from the pack to go on his own little archaeological sibling-dig, which leads to this -

and, inevitably, this -

Meanwhile, Barack still has no chill and is executing literally anyone he can get his hands on. And J-Snow is just like -

But Davos, ever the voice of reason, is like “Take it to the Queen, dude,” so J-Snow trucks on over through the Dothraki tailgating party, followed by Arya, who took a little time for this -

and has come back looking fresher. Than. Ever. Anyway J-Snow finds D-Baby, who’s going off all -

Which leads P-Dinky to strut on over to her like, “Hey gurl...

D-Baby’s fucking pissed, but instead of literally kabobbing him right there on the spot, she’s just like -

Problem is, it seems like all the prison cells are destroyed, so Barack has to chain P-Dinky up in the King’s Landing Pottery Barn.

So it’s not too long before J-Snow comes for a little visit. And you know, he’s real fucked in the head, trying to work out what to do about D-Baby, but all P-Dinky wants to talk about is how Varys’s dead ass is gonna be all, “Told you so!”

And J-Snow’s making like the Internet and being all, “But - she had no choice! But - her best friend was beheaded!”

And P-Dinky’s just like -

So J-Snow's leaving the Pottery Barn, when he runs into Drogon, who’s just like -

Meanwhile, D-Baby is finally. Finally. FINALLY. In the Throne Room. So naturally she does a slow-walk version of -

before segue-ing into a Stroke the Throne take on -

And it’s a solid mashup until J-Snow rips the needle off by strutting his ass in. And I wanna be like, “D-Baby, sit down. Sit down, you’re about to die.” But instead she’s like -

And J-Snow’s like, “Girl, put the trophy down -

And it’d be really nice if D&D spent at least two seconds trying to justify what the fuck has gone through D-Baby’s head, but instead she’s just like -

Springing J-Snow to be all -

And then just like -

So D-Baby’s bleeding out all -

When suddenly we hear Drogon waking up from nap-time.

And we totally think he’s gonna fucking roast J-Snow for killing his mommy, but instead he just shows how much HE HATES FURNITURE!

And once that chair is melted like a popsicle, he. is. done. He packs up his mittens, his scarf, and his dead mommy and he’s just like outta there.

Peace, Drogon. This show is gonna be a whole lot cheaper without you.

P-Dinky gets sprung from his cell all -

and brought before the Constitutional Convention of Everybody Who’s Still Alive On This Fucking Show. And like yeah, the much-buzzed-about New Prince of Dorne is here and he seems chill, but there’s also this one guy with Gendry and this other guy with Yara Greyjoy who are just total fucking randos.

The most important thing in this scene - and I mean THE MOST IMPORTANT - is Robyn Arryn, who had the glowup of glowups.

Anyway, Barack is pissed off because J-Snow killed D-Baby, and Yara kinda joins in until Sansa is just like -

And Davos chimes in with -

But lemme tell ya, Barack. Is. Pissed. Because he only wants one thing -

But, P-Dinky proves the chaisn that bind can’t keep him from workin’ that tongue, KNOWHAMSAYIN? Because he’s like, “We need a king, and there’s only one way to pick one.”

At first, Edmure fucking Tully is all like -

But Sansa’s pretty quickly like -

Sam even tries to be all -

But everybody’s pretty quickly like -

So like yeah. Not quite yet. Luckily P-Dinky’s got a perfect candidate...

And the justification? ... Stories...?

Because I guess the person with the best story isn’t the dwarf who saved a city, the fat kid who killed a White Walker, the young woman who survived the attacks of several monstrous men and became Lady of Winterfell, or the girl who literally ENDED THE WHITE WALKERS. No, it’s the disabled kid who trained in a tree to become a meme.

Anyway, it doesn’t occur to anyone to be like, “Why are we doing this?” or like “What exactly IS the Three-Eyed Raven?” They’re just all like -

Except for the only one with any fucking sense ever, Sansa, who’s all -

So like, whatever, that happened, and P-Dinky’s the Hand now, of course. But then everybody does the fucking craziest thing, not only saying literally “All hail Bran the BROKEN,” but STANDING UP while they do it.

Now we just gotta deal with J-Snow, who’s literally rocking a tumbleweed on his face.

Anyway, P-Dinky’s sending him to the Night’s Watch, because apparently there still is one.

This kinda all reads like a cruel dupe of Barack, who’s going to Michelle’s hometown because reasons. Anyway, bye, Barack.

then, J-Snow’s like, to Sansa -

to Arya -

and to Bran -

And Bran’s like -

Anyway, J-Snow out, Brienne in. Because she finds the like Kingsguard Book and stumbles on Jaime’s page, which is like almost empty. And I’m kinda like -

But instead she’s like “Was a good dude” before heading to the Small Council meeting, where P-Dinky’s setting up all -

And Sam brings in a book like -

But unfortunately it’s a fan edit without P-Dinky!

Also, Bronn is here.

And within the first two seconds of his first like actual King Meeting, Bran is just like -

And I shit you not, the last lines of dialogue of Game of Thrones are occupied by an argument about brothels.

Aight, we’re almost done, fuckers. But first, J-Snow has to pet the fuck out of Ghost.

Sansa finally gets crowned Queen of the North.

And Arya turns into this -

In the end, the real game of thrones was the friends we made along the way. Stick around after the credits, when Ned Stark wakes up all -

What a strange, violent, convoluted dream you had, Ned.

BODY COUNT: 1 (RIP D-Baby) BOOB COUNT: None EPISODE GRADE: C+

THE SER POUNCE MEMORIAL FOR STRAY THOUGHTS

D&D have directed two other episodes of the show prior to this - one not-so-great (“Walk of Punishment” - the one where Jaime loses his hand), and also Season 4’s “Two Swords,” arguably the series’ best premiere episode, barring the pilot. And as much shit as I give them, I was impressed by their work in the first half of the episode - it was so nice to sit in Tyrion’s walk through the destruction, to sit in the horror of Daenerys’ speech, and to just all around slow things down, cut down on the scoring, and live in the grim atmosphere of this whole situation.

Is it ash? Is it snow? Nobody seems to know. I remember in the Daenerys House of the Undying scene in Season 2, when Dany walks through a destroyed throne room with “snow” falling through the blown-out ceiling, I always assumed this was ash and that we were being set-up for a fake-out, thinking it was snow. I suppose that’s still on the table - many people have commented that after 9/11, there was so much ash that it looked like snow. And winter’s over, right? Maybe? Anyone?

Eagle-eyed viewers may have noticed Nikolaj Coster-Waldau’s and Lena Headey’s names in the credits. How wonderful it was to see Peter Dinklage reunited with these two for one last scene (I want to say they haven’t had a genuine scene just the three of them since Episode 2 of Season One, but I could be wrong), and how tragically beautiful it was that it was Dinklage weeping over their corpses.

I can’t tell if the Daenerys with dragon wings shot was woefully on-the-nose or fierce. Oh, who am I kidding - it was amazing.

So okay, the Targaryen flag looks like a swastika, and always has. That’s all well and good. But I’ve been reading so much this week about how George R.R. Martin was a conscientious objector during Vietnam, and how Daenerys can be seen as symbolizing the US going in guns blazing, seeing themselves as liberators, but winding up causing massive amounts of destruction and civilian casualty. How much more interesting would it have been to reference this in the flag design rather than the far less complicated and cliche Nazi imagery.

A lot of good visual work with this Daenerys business mirroring this grim totalitarian version of her to those more “uplifting” moments from earlier seasons - the best example probably being the Unsullied pounding their spears in the dirt just as they did when she shouted out at them about giving them freedom. Here, of course, she’s shouting about conquering the rest of Westeros, starting (interestingly enough) with Winterfell.

“Everywhere she goes, evil men die and we cheer her for it. And she grows more powerful and more sure that she is good and right.” One of the most evocative lines of dialogue in a long time on this show. One of the greatest accomplishments of George R.R. Martin’s story is his ability to get you inside the head of his characters, to see the good in the “bad guys” and the bad in the “good guys.” His master-stroke, spoiled by the show before he could finish the books, is clearly the character of Daenerys Targaryen, who is set up as one of the triumphant heroes of the story and then revealed to be, from the point of view of those she’s conquering (characters we’ve also spent a lot of time with) a villain. This is a brilliant storytelling move, and I can’t wait to see how George articulates it in the books, should he ever finish. D&D did not succeed, though. If they wanted it to be a completely out-of-nowhere surprise here that she is capable of such destruction, switching the script on the audience, then they needed to soft-pedal the destruction of the Lannister forces and the burning of the Tarlys last season. If they wanted us to see Daenerys’ side right to the bitter end, then they needed to clearly justify why she went on her murderous rampage last week.

More to the point, there is barely any Daenerys in this episode. She has two tyrannical crazy speeches, but there is no attempt to see her side, a distinctly un-Thronesian move. I defended the choice to not see her once her decision was made last episode, but it is a major misstep to make this massive heel-turn with her character and then spend barely any time exploring how she’s feeling on the other side of it before killing her.

More more to the point, Tyrion’s “belief” in Daenerys has been a major contributor to the confusion about how we’re supposed to feel about her. I would’ve told you his Season 7 arc was growing disillusioned with Daenerys, realizing she’s not taking his counsel, that she jumps to rash decisions, and that her conqueror nature stings a bit when his family is on the other side of it. That look he gives toward the shaggin’ cabin at the end of Season 7? Clearly, something was up. But from the getgo this season he has been all in on “I believe in Daenerys Targaryen,” as if that disillusionment never happened. He tells us he believes in her, but I haven’t felt any evidence of why since Season 5, when he first met her. All this said...

And Now His Watch is Ended: No, he doesn’t die. But Peter Dinklage has always been the heart of this show, from Season One. And while the writing hasn’t taken very good care of him of late, or made much sense of post-Season 5 Tyrion (and why his brain stopped working in Season 6), he has always been the rock of the show, and very little of what he’s given has rang false. So it’s fitting that this final episode plays largely like an Emmy submission reel for him. The guy’s got three wins for this role, and he will bag one more, and justifiably so. My favorite Tyrion moments - his trial at the Vale in Season 1, and his entire performance in the episode where he and Sansa get married. A truly iconic screen performance, now fully in the books.

Love the fade to black as Jon enters the Red Keep, then fading up on Daenerys entering the Throne Room. The meditative quality of all this was truly very very good.

Okay, so the destroyed Throne Room doesn’t look exactly like it did in the House of the Undying prophecy, but you know how everyone was going off on how post-apocalyptic Cleganebowl looked? This… this is more like it.

Re: the Iron Throne, Dany says, “I imagined a mountain of swords too high to climb.” Nice tip of the hat to George’s original concept, illustrated here.

I think so much of this show ultimately comes down to the tragedy of Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen’s doomed love affair. If that love story works for you, more power to you. To me, it’s a casualty of the compression and perfunctory nature of these last two seasons. If this was ultimately so important, why were the beats not more clear - the reasoning they fell in love and the time they spent together electric moments of chemistry. Sure, chalk it up to Emilia Clarke and Kit Harington, certainly two of the wobbliest actors of the series (more on Emilia later though, don’t worry), but also D&D literally said in an Entertainment Weekly interview, “We didn’t have much time, or any time, to explore that relationship as a real relationship in the seventh season.” So presumably that means there would be more time in this season, but there isn’t. It goes to hell so quickly that we never get to experience what their love actually feels like. Even if it’s just a passionate fling because they’re hot and bothered for each other, fine, but choose something and make us care. Because of that, I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for Jon to kill her here. He’s always been a man who wants to do what’s right, and this is right. So if it’s his love stopping him (it is), that love needed to be something the showrunners actively made sure we were invested in.

And Now Her Watch is Ended: Emilia Clarke’s face as she dies is one of the most captivating moments of the episode and the season - her complete disbelief cements this as one of the most satisfying deaths in a while. Too long the deaths have been moments of glory or just plain toothless. This one is shocking, and it hurts. Clarke was one of my favorites in the first season, and her transformation over those ten episodes is positively electric. Somewhere around the third season, she kind of started cruising on this “bad bitch” vibe that lacked the humanity that made her so compelling in Season One, a quality Lena Headey always managed to endow Cersei with no matter how heartless (or underwritten) she had become. What a relief it is to say that Clarke really stuck the landing. It’s frustrating the way her character was handled in this last season, as this heel-turn deserved a better justification and more nuanced writing. But it’s clear she doubled her acting efforts to bring forth a performance worthy of the iconic character. Her decline in Episode 4, her decision-moment in Episode 5 - thsre were genuinely powerful moments where she stepped up to the plate and just crushed it. Hopefully her work will finally be Emmy rewarded. If Lena isn’t going to get it, she definitely deserves it. Favorite moment of hers will always be her showstopping “Kill the masters/ Dracarys” moment in Yunkai in Season 3. Absolute chills to this day.

I love a moment like Drogon coming into the throne room out-of-focus behind Jon mourning a dead Dany in the foreground, because you seldom see such grand visual effects shot so subtly. To have that be his entrance makes him so much more tangible and part of the diegesis of the scene.

I don’t necessarily understand why Drogon melts the Iron Throne, but I think that’s ultimately okay. I think I always figured it would be melted down by the surviving cast in a rejection of monarchy. But it was so cathartic to see it destroyed, and Drogon burning it was such an arresting image - a sort of final burst of pure fantasy before political drudgery took center stage, that I do love it.

There were a lot of arguments that Episode 4 should’ve been split into two episodes, and sure. But David Nutter did a solid job making it feel thematically unified by focusing on Dany. This finale is literally two episodes, and the story would have been better for it. We deserved a whole “Madness of Queen Dany” episode, ending in her death, and a full hour (or longer) to cover the reconstruction. D&D even shoot this stuff super differently, and I suppose that’s an interesting choice, but once Dany leaves it’s mostly flat and feels weirdly like a sitcom.

More time could’ve also meant that Tyrion didn’t have to have a trial, propose an entire new way of choosing a ruler, hold a vote to elect that ruler, have Sansa declare the North as independent, and be saddled with Hand of the King again in ONE FUCKING SCENE. No way do I buy all this would just come together like this so quickly.

“What unites people? Stories. There’s nothing in the world more powerful than a good story.” AND THIS WAS NOTHING LIKE A GOOD STORY! Nah, I’m kidding. In all honesty, the meta-ness of this watching with some of my closest friends was lovely, and I can imagine it’s going to make a fantastic dub on the Emmy introduction reel this coming year. However, it’s such a hamfisted way of justifying an already hamfisted choice for king!

“He never learned to walk again, so he learned to fly” - sure, this was a line said to him. But when did he fly? To spy with crows? Or whatever the fuck he was doing in Episode 3? Does that fucking count? Also, how does Tyrion know this?

Okay, so here’s the thing - King Bran is a great idea… in the book. As it stands right now, Bran is one of the first characters we’re introduced to, and it makes total sense that he would wind up as king at the end of all this. But on the show? No. No. One hundred percent no. If D&D knew since Season 3 or 4 that this is the direction George was going (and it must be a George move, because there’s no way they would put Bran on the throne), then why why WHY did they make him into such a punchline these last two seasons? Why do we never get any time trying to understand his new powers? What it means to be the Three-Eyed Raven? What are the rules? He can see the past? Can he also see the future? He keeps saying “Everyone is exactly where they are because of what’s happened,” but also he played awful coy about the whole Arya killing the Night King and Daenerys committing genocide things. It’s just another case of D&D pulling out a random plot point without setting it up properly in any way, shape, or form. In this episode, three things happen - Dany becomes the Mad Queen fully, Jon kills her, and Bran becomes king. But the connective tissue isn’t there in the first instance to really land it, Jon’s and her love story is (admittedly by D&D) barely touched on at all for it to be sufficiently tragic, and they’ve written Bran as so much of a goober nobody could be satisfied by this. And that’s why this finale is ultimately so dissatisfying and weak - not because of what happens, but because D&D have demonstrated (for the final time with this material) that they just don’t have the wherewithal to properly set up moments for a payoff, even ones as long-gestating as these.

ALSO, there was never any other “Hold the Door” type moment. What the hell.

“Why do you think I came all this way?” - oh meme of memes, thank you so very much.

All this said, I like the sort of banality of the Constitutional Convention scene, as well as the Small Council scene later; this is something George has always talked about, the idea that “Aragorn may rule wisely and justly to the end of his days,” but ultimately what does that mean? What was his tax policy,etc.? This should’ve been a whole episode, dealing with this stuff.

“It doesn’t feel right.” “Ask me again in 10 years” - a valid response to this finale.

One of my favorite moments of the episode was Brienne picking up the quill to write Jaime Lannister’s White Book entry. Alas, it lost me once we started seeing all the shit she was writing. And I have to admit, it was disappointing to see her final moments on the show essentially validating Jaime. In general, it was disappointing (and shocking) to see a show with so many engrossing female characters sideline all of them in its finale. Arya and Sansa felt super peripheral to this episode, despite their respective happy endings. However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a shoutout to Gwendoline Christie, who I haven’t always been the biggest fan of in her performance as Brienne. She was a standout this season, and her knighting scene is one of the series’ most emotional.

The respective Stark endings feel mostly good - and boy, oh boy is it so nice to see Sansa finally crowned in at least some way. But I don’t know where this nautical theme for Arya came from.

I can’t believe Bronn is in this last season so fucking much. Like, more than Cersei.

Davos picks up Stannis’ grammar Nazi tendencies - nice.

I actually don’t mind the general idea of this Small Council scene, as stated earlier - I think this reconstruction jargon is necessary and in the spirit of George. I just wish there was more visible of the actual cleaning up of the destruction, the reactions of the smallfolk. But I understand - budget. And in some ways, this is in keeping with what this show initially was - the backroom dealings that affected the realm.

And Now Their Watch Has Ended: One of the greatest joys of this entire show has been watching Maisie Williams and Sophie Turner grow into phenomenal actresses. Both have had to contend with difficult, challenging material from the get-go, and have always come at it with a fearless and intensely watchable energy. Favorite Sansa moment still has to be her lying for Littlefinger in Season 4. And for some reason I’ll never forget a silent moment of Arya’s - her polishing a sword and listening to Yoren give her the origin of her list. I look forward to seeing where both of their careers take them.

The production this season has been outstanding - the work by Michele Clapton, Deborah Riley, Ramin Djawadi, directors Miguel Sapochnik and David Nutter, and the entire crew is something we’ve never seen before on television and may never see again for a very long time. That’s something to cheer.

A final thought on D&D - they have been the figurehead for a lot of hate this last season, but it makes sense; they write nearly every episode and have been the spokespeople for this show for its entire run. When we need someone to throw shit at, we turn to them, and that comes with the territory. They did create 4 incredible seasons of television, all stemming from their brilliant idea to turn George R.R. Martin’s magnum (and unfinished) opus into a sprawling unprecedented epic television series. As adapters, they made smart choices, embellishing what needed embellished and cutting what didn’t suit their version of the story. Unfortunately, I think in the end what undid this show is that this just isn’t their story. Once they overtook the books, they became interested in, as Conleth Hill called it, “the varsity players.” It became about the Battle of the Bastards, about Daenerys blowing shit up, and about a good vs. evil fight against a bunch of zombies in “the biggest battle ever committed to film.” But we know now that’s not what George’s story is; George’s story is ostensibly about how easily heroes can become villains, how the Chosen One doesn’t beat the Big Bad in a blaze of glory - but in a brutal, dark, and morally compromising private moment, and how the realm may best be served by the outcasts - the cripples, bastards, and broken things. Perhaps that’s why this ending feels so perfunctory - sure, it’s what George told them would happen, but it’s not what they wanted. They spent two seasons beating up Bran like a playground bully; they revel in dick jokes about Varys, dwarf jokes about Tyrion, and cock-talk with the big bro Bronn. They may have seemed the right people to tell this story, but in the end, they just weren’t. How very Game of Thrones.

George R. R. Martin, what a fantastic imagination you have. I am so pleased to have been introduced to your world and to your majestic storytelling prowess. I would love it if you would finish the books, but if you don’t, I am glad I’ve had this one bumpy road into this story you gave to us.

Lastly… I’m realizing I kind of emotionally detached from this show a while ago, maybe even so far back as Arya hopping on the boat to Braavos at the end of Season 4. But what I’m finding so hard to let go are the viewing parties, the discussions, the theorizing. As messy as it was, as perhaps disappointing as it all wound up, this is what all art strives to do - bring people together to passionately share ideas, debate, and connect. I am so very very glad to have shared this experience with the friends closest to me, and to have captured it all here in this blog. To all of you, who read this from the beginning or maybe just joined last week, a big big thanks for your support, your comments, and your LOLs. It’s been an absolute joy. Now, say it with me...

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VIII: Episode 5 - The Bells of St. Scary

Well, here we are at the climax of our generation’s The Sopranos, one of the major cultural touchstones of the 2010s, and it... happened.  

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode of Game of Thrones, so if you don’t know who dies, who fucks who and JUST HOW FUCKING AWESOME CLEGANEBOWL WAS GET HYPE FUCK YES DUDE OMG, turn back now.

DRAGONSTONE

So first off, we have Varys being all -

Except like, Treason Edition. When who should come stumbling in but Baby Girl Martha Stewart.

And she’s all, “Yo Daddy, D-Baby won’t eat.” And he’s like, “We’ll try again at supper.” So like, I guess he’s trying to poison her?

And then Varys proceeds to do the most un-Varys thing in the world, i.e. rush out to J-Snow on a public beach in broad daylight and basically scream for all to hear -

P-Dinky clocks this, and he goes to see D-Baby, who’s basically like -

Essentially, she’s found out about the little game of Targaryen Telephone that’s been going on

and even though J-Snow told Sansa, and Sansa told P-Dinky, D-Baby somehow makes the jump to wanting to kill Varys.

So Varys is just waiting like -

when Barack and his boys barge in and take him to the beach where it’s just like -

Then there’s literally a shot of J-Snow looking at D-Baby all -

Because remember HE’S A REALLY GOOD GUY AND EVEN IF D-BABY TURNS OUT TO BE A CRAZY LADY HE’LL COME IN AND SAVE THE DAY.

Anyway, he goes to visit D-Baby in private and she goes from 0 to 100 real quick, being all -

and then she’s like -

and he’s like -

so she’s just like -

Next up to enter the Thunderdome is P-Dinky, who is suddenly all about  bells. Like, apparently there are these bells that King’s Landing will ring if they wanna surrender. So he’s like, ‘If the bells ring, you gotta stop fighting, kay?” And D-Baby’s like -

And then she’s all -

“I HAVE JAIME.”

So J-Snow and P-Dinky both warp to

KING’S LANDING

with the same thought.

Which feels like, you know, a really interesting thesis statement for D&D to be making in the next to last episode of this show so like good on them.

Anyway P-Dinky walks up to Jaime’s guards like -

and gains passage for one last Bro Talk. So he’s all -

and Jaime’s all -

and P-Dinky’s like, “When you get to Cersei, make sure she does this -”

Okay, so it’s the next morning, and Uncle Freddie Mercury, his 8,000 giant crossbows, and everybody in King’s Landing are waiting for D-Baby like -

and Arya and the Hound are strutting in all -

And Jaime’s like, ‘In a city where the queen has put a hit out on me, let me disguise everything about myself except the most fucking identifiable thing about me -”

Anyway, outside the gates, Jon Bon Jovi - remember him? - he’s here with his army and he’s looking out at J-Snow’s crew like -

And P-Dinky’s still on about these fucking bells.

And finally, Cersei assumes her usual position at her Drama Window SANS wine -

and we’re all like, “Oh boy Lena Headey hasn’t done anything all season, I’ll bet she’s gonna have some real fucking great moments in this episode!!!”

Oh! Also! There’s this mousy looking woman running around with her daughter who I’m gonna call Lady Fievel -

And she totally gets locked out of the gates when she’s trying to get to safety!

ALONG WITH JAIME, who is waving his fucking golden hand around like he just don’t care!

And then he’s like, “Fuck this. I’ma put on my best Dixie Chicks poker face and I’m TAKING THE LONG WAY AROUND.”

So then P-Dinky and Cersei are like -

And Uncle Freddie is all -

When who should come pop-pop-popping out of the sky but Little Miss D-Baby

and all those giant crossbows, they’re like -

except like, none of them hit the dragon. Because even though they went 3 for 3 last week to take one down, now they’re a little rusty, and D-Baby’s flying around like -

And in two seconds the Iron Fleet is just like -

and finally finally finally - Uncle Freddie is like -

and we’re all looking at the TV like -

But D-Baby is NOT done. Because she makes quick fucking work of all the other giant crossbow things like -

and then is so rude to Jon Bon Jovi when she just blows him up without letting him get a word in edgewise!

Not for you, beebee.

So then J-Snow and Grey Worm and the whole army are just like -

And it’s just like FIRE. BLOOD. KILLING.

At a certain point we cut back to Cersei and we’re like,

And then she just like - stares some more.

Anyway, by this point, J-Snow and the boys are in the city, and there’s a bunch of Lannister soldiers looking at them like -

And D-Baby lands on a wall and all the civilians are just like freaking out. And then there’s this long tense moment of all the main characters being all -

And then the Lannisters are just like -

And we’re like, “Oh wow. That was really easy. Great.” So then everybody in the city is just like -

Except like 5,000 times. And then what do you know, Mystery King’s Landing Quasimodo is just off somewhere like -

So that’s that. Everything’s kinda over. Except guess what? D-Baby? She is going through it. And she’s just like on her dragon like -

which then transitions pretty abruptly into -

so then it’s just like MORE FIRE. MORE BLOOD. And Barack is just like instant transition into “Angry Black Man.” GOOD THING there’s other named black people on this show who can balance the scales with this.

So then everybody’s just like -

And J-Snow is just like -

This goes on for a while. It’s just like kill, kill, kill -

Anyway, Jaime finally makes it to the like side entrance to the Red Keep basement or whatever.  And I shit you not, like I so wish I was kidding, but Uncle Freddie Mercury literally struts onto the beach like -

And then, for no apparent reason other than D&D fucking hate us, they fight.

I mean at one point there is this part where Jaime punches him in the throat, and that’s kinda cool because it means maybe he’ll shut the fuck up. But then... Uncle Freddie fucking STABS Jaime Lannister.

So Jaime is like ostensibly dying at the hand of D&D’s demon spawn asshole baby. And it’s just going on and on until finally Jaime just stabs him in the fucking stomach. And again... I shit you not and I wish I was kidding... but Uncle Freddie Mercury looks straight down the lens of the camera and says, “I’m the man who killed Jaime Lannister.”

Okay, so Freddie’s dead until he presumably comes back next week to like slap his dick all over Jon Snow or moon Daenerys. And we’re back with Arya and the Hound.

And the Hound is like, “Maybe you don’t need to kill Cersei. Maybe you can just like, go on living.”

And Arya’s like -

And then it’s time for the worst idea the Internet ever had, an idea so bad that D&D couldn’t WAIT to get their fucking hands on it - CleganeBowl.

So like first off, Cersei has finally decided it might be time to stop looking out the window and escape, when she, Maester Frankenstein, and FrankenMountain all run into the Hound. And suddenly Franken Mountain is just like -

And Maester Frankenstein is just like, “Protect your Queen!” And FrankenMountain like pushes him and Frankenstein’s just like -

RIP Maester Frankenstein. He just wanted to play with weird shit. So then Cersei’s like, “Scuse me pardon me” and just leaves, because she’s like not a major character at all, we should clearly be spending more time with this zombie swordfight than her. So then basically this happens -

Meanwhile, Cersei is stumbling around like -

when she bumps into Jaime and goes -

Back to CleganeBowl, where the Mountain is suddenly like -

This is intercut with a lot of scenes of Arya going like this -

At one point she even runs into Lady Fievel!

But then Lady Fievel dies.

Anyway, CleganeBowl finally fucking ends and they both die in a fire.

So now, Arya’s covered in dust, coughing her lungs out, definitely gonna die of mesothelioma next episode.

But I digress, so now it’s just Cersei and Jaime trying to get to their escape boat. And like, surely, in these final moments of Cersei, they’re gonna give amazing actor Lena Headey some really great material.

In actuality, it’s fine. She’s like -

And Jaime’s like -

And then they’re both like -

Luckily Shadowfax is here to take Arya away, amirite?

NEXT WEEK: D&D dump us on the side of the road and run off with all the money they made off us.

EPISODE GRADE: D BOOB COUNT: None (does the Mountain count?) BODY COUNT: So many (RIP Varys, Jon Bon Jovi, Maester Frankenstein, Uncle Freddie Mercury, Sandor Clegane, FrankenMountain, Jaime Lannister, Cersei Lannister)

THE SER POUNCE MEMORIAL FOR STRAY THOUGHTS

Varys was presumably writing letters to be sent off to various Lords of Westeros, right? And perhaps we’ll see the fruits of that labor next episode?

Varys is “quite certain” about where Jon’s “coin” has landed, but why? When has there been any indication that Varys is clocking how good a leader Jon is?

Did you know that Jon doesn’t want the throne?

Beautiful shot of Tyrion entering the Dragonstone war council chamber - he’s in the foreground, the stone dragon on the wall is behind him and facing him, giving the picture he’s walking into the jaws of the dragon - perhaps a visual metaphor for the scene, perhaps a foreshadowing of his ultimate fate. Only next week will tell.

Okay, so legitimately, why is Varys the one who is killed? I suppose there’s an argument that as Master of Whispers, he is in a position to really fuck shit up, but it’s unclear what exactly Daenerys knows about what he’s been up to, whether it’s sending these ravens off or trying to poison her. There’s also seemingly some sort of element of Tyrion betraying him or throwing him under the bus? I don’t know, I don’t understand the logistics of this. This may just be a me thing, please let me know if you think this is actually clear and I’m just missing something.

I’ve seen a lot of talk about Varys’ ring removal, but I’m pretty sure it’s just a preparing to die gesture. It’s also a callback to Season IV: Episode 4, when Varys tells Tyrion his backstory for the first time and is getting ready to open the crate and reveal the warlock that castrated him. There as well, he removes his rings.

We never found out what he “heard in the flames.”

And Now His Watch Is Ended: Conleth Hill is one of the best supporting players on the show, playing one of the most fascinating characters. When the show cared about Varys, Hill was a master of impenetrable wisdom, with just the right amount of wit and warmth. Like Littlefinger, the show banished the character to the peripheries of the series and ultimately brought him back to the forefront for this extremely unsatisfying ending. For a real heartbreaking read, check out Hill’s Entertainment Weekly exit interview, here.

Jaime says of the people of King’s Landing, “To be honest I’ve never really cared for them anyways.” Compare this to what he says to Brienne in Season 3 regarding his murder of King Aerys, “Tell me, if your precious Renly commanded you to kill your own father and stand by while thousands of men women and children were burned alive, would you have done it? Would you have kept your oath then?” Kinda seems like he cares.

Davos smuggles Tyrion into the Stark camp he’s already in? Davos smuggles Jaime from the camp to the King’s Landing gates… a few feet away? Davos is going to smuggle Jaime out of King’s Landing with Cersei? What?

I can kind of appreciate the fakeout of making a big deal of this Harry Strickland character and then just killing him without much of a fuss. I can also appreciate the twist on the Jon unsheathing his sword and facing the Bolton army shot in “Battle of the Bastards” - that shot is mirrored here but this time we are on Strickland’s side and Jon’s army is “the bad guys.”

Okay, so here’s the deal. Daenerys turning on everything and everyone and becoming this Mad Queen is great... in theory. It’s where it’s always seemed to be going in the books, and in a way this is the most brutal, Thronesian moment the show has had since Jon Snow got stabbed. But just because it is a fantastic plot point doesn’t mean it makes much sense on the show. I’ve seen many people say that this is all foreshadowed, and yes, it is. But just because you foreshadow something doesn’t mean you don’t also have to logically bring the character to this sort of turn. Robb’s death is foreshadowed heavily, yet there are still a series of choices the character makes that foreshadowed ending an inevitability that is as crushingly shocking as it is the product of a logical progression of events. Yes, Daenerys is extremely isolated, yes she’s lost a lot. And yes, clearly this “madness” is hereditary. But to justify what happens here with “oh, she’s just mad and she’s always been like this” is inherently undramatic. What was the cause and effect? She lost all her advisors? Jon Snow jilted her (ew)? The frustrating thing is the pieces are all kinda here. Here’s someone who had always been told that she would show up in Westeros and everyone would hail her. And now that she’s here, it’s not going as planned. The common people she sought to liberate fear her, and so it intellectually makes sense that, in her isolated state, she would realize she’ll never be more than a monster to them and just own that, taking it out on them and just being like “Fuck it all.” But that’s not the story that’s communicated here. The story that’s communicated here is Daenerys has some sort of emotional breakdown when the city surrenders, then looks at the Red Keep, is filled with some kind of purpose, and flies towards it, and then starts inexplicably burning civilians. There’s no moment when she looks down at the people and realizes how they see her. Even D&D say in their bullshit “Inside the Episode” jargon that it’s because “she sees the Red Keep.” But that makes no fucking sense! This is a woman who was always about the liberation of the oppressed - there was a moral code she operated under and her penchant for cruelty never crossed over into the realm of destroying civilians. I’m completely down to take that journey and accept that she could get there, but this is one of the most major characters on this show, we’ve followed her for eight seasons, and we deserve the proper story beats that justify this transition, not just “she’s always been like this.” They failed at this, and because it’s such a defining moment for the character and the series, it kinda ruins it all.

One more thing on this - there’s a lot of joking about the people who have “Daenerys” tattoos or named their daughter “Khaleesi,” and like yeah, those people probably should’ve waited to see what her eventual turn was. But even so, the fact of the matter is that while I haven’t particularly connected to Daenerys as a character, her journey in this story means a lot to many people. The story of a woman who overcame oppression and took control of her situation to become a beacon of hope and attempt to make the world a better place resonates so strongly with a generation of readers and show-watchers. That’s not to say you can’t take this character down this path - by all means, do. But for the love of God, be aware of how much she means to people and be responsible in the telling of that story. When it’s relegated to a random shock twist, it’s just fucking offensive.

That said, I think Emilia Clarke has been excellent this season working with shaky material, and the moment when she decides to go rogue is powerful, despite me not feeling it is justified.

Jon Snow’s haplessness makes this whole thing even worse. It’s interesting, and again, very Thronesian, that the Stark army and Daenerys would become war criminals. But the show has made him completely un-complicit in her crimes. He’s just this stupid good guy running around (D&D have called him “dumb” as well, so I feel I have permission). There’s a world where this is powerful - where his love for her blinds him to her cruel nature. But their love has just been horribly written, rushed, and unclear. And so now it just feels like he’s a fucking goober who has to deal with the crazy lady, underscoring this uncomfortable theme that women (ie Daenerys and Cersei) are too emotional to rule and that all must be set right by the benevolent man.

This is a frustrating episode, one of the most frustrating in the series’ run, but I want to take this space to once again pay homage to the incredible amount of craftsmanship on the production end of things. Production designer Deborah Riley and company reconstructed the entire King’s Landing set on a backlot, and Miguel Sapochnik (in his final episode) once again brought dynamism to a pretty flat and plothole-ridden script. His most brilliant choice here, and the most haunting aspect of the episode, is that once Daenerys makes her decision we don’t see her again; we’re on the ground with the civilians, and the anonymity of this weapon of mass destruction is terrifying. If the writing had been up to par with this, it would’ve been an exceptionally powerful episode.

“I’m the man who killed Jaime Lannister” should be tattooed onto both D&D’s foreheads.

There is probably no world where I am interested in CleganeBowl, but this was even worse than I could have ever imagined it. I at least thought it would have some bearing on the plot, but it completely happened in a vacuum and meant nothing. There could have at least been a moment where the Hound realizes that the Mountain is just a zombie and that his revenge is ultimately hollow, which would’ve aligned with what he said to Arya - “Do you want to wind up like me?” - but no, it was still a win for him and I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel about this whole fucking thing.

And Now His Watch is Ended: Rory McCann brought his A-game from beginning to end as the Hound, and was one of the characters who felt clear and steady even through bad writing patches. His scenes with Maisie Williams in Seasons 3 and 4 are some of the best of the series, and their final moment was largely successful. Alas, the Mortal Kombat finale gives another ignominious ending for a fantastic character.

The oner of Arya escaping King’s Landing was obviously masterful, and again Sapochnik’s portrayal of Daenerys’ destruction with this sort of 9/11 imagery was harrowing. There was also an attempt at intercutting Arya and the Hound, making some point that they are the same person making different choices, but it felt a bit half baked.

I’m actually more fine with this ending for Cersei and Jaime than most people seem to be. I think the idea is good and the execution of the final scene is powerful, largely thanks to Lena’s and Nikolai’s performances. Jaime’s return to Cersei makes complete sense to me, especially with show-Jaime, who stuck around with her longer than book-Jaime. That said, I think I’d still prefer an ending where Cersei dies alone and Jaime dies trying to get to her. People seem to think it’s cool that they “felt for” Cersei in her final moments, but if you haven’t felt for Cersei yet on this show despite her selfishness and cruelty, I don’t know what show you’ve been watching. I think a far more interesting revelation for the character might’ve been for her to die alone, realizing that she alienated everyone from her life and finally having to face the fact that she’s responsible for the death of Myrcella and Tommen. That’s just something she never really had to face.

The valonqar prophecy is something that isn’t on the show, but it’s a part of the Maggy the Frog scene in the book (adapted in Season 5 Episode 1), and says, “When your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands about your pale white throat and choke the life from you.” Valonqar means “younger sibling,” and while book-Cersei believes it to be Tyrion, readers have long hypothesized that it would be Jaime. Assuming that this is the same ending for these characters as George has planned (most likely), this might appear to be a one-step-further subversion of the prophecy - his hands are around her throat lovingly - but I don’t know how that really backs up the choking part. Regardless, in show terms this hasn’t been a thing, it’s just interesting when pairing it with their possible ending in the books.

And Now Their Watch is Ended: Nikolai Coster-Waldau has had to deal with a lot of D&D bullshit - the Cersei rape in the Sept, inexplicable reasons for staying with Cersei way longer than he should have, and an accelerated relapse plotline that led him to this final moment. Mostly, his performance has been a high point of the series, and the bathtub scene in Season 3 is still his crowning achievement. It’s no secret that Lena Headey is my favorite actor on the show, and because of that it feels like a slap in the face the limited material she’s had this year, and indeed since the end of Season 5, which saw her give a masterfully heartbreaking performance with her walk of atonement. When D&D were with the books, they gave her some of the best material on the show, particularly her scenes with Mark Addy as King Robert, Charles Dance as Tywin, and of course Peter Dinklage as Tyrion. That writing, combined with her performance, turned a stock villainess into a deeply human woman, whose love for her children, inherent selfishness, and disillusion with the men who fancied themselves smarter than her coalesced into her final downward spiral. It’s frankly appalling they had such an incredible performer as her and let her down so very very much this final season. Still, cheers to Nikolai, and especially to Lena, for bringing us one of the most complex screen villains we’ve seen.

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VIII: Episode 4 - I’m With Her??

All y’all who were holding out for the Night Queen to still be shakin’ dat ass were served a big dish of humble pie this week. Because it’s back to all that non-zombie stuff we used to love about Game of Thrones. But also warping and mind-boggling gaps of logic. Lez do it.

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode. So if you don’t know who dies, who fucks who, and how to turn the brightness up on your TV high enough, turn back now.

So we kick things off with J-Snow having a real hard time getting through a speech.

Before burning all the dead bodies from last week in a sequence that is equal parts mildly heartstring-tugging and also probably very stinky.

Anyway, next it’s time to do the only reasonable thing after defeating your show’s major antagonistic force with three episodes to go...

So at first it starts kinda awkward, with everyone in the Winterfall Dining Room all -

when suddenly Gendry is just like -

So off he goes to find Arya, who like NO ONE is mentioning even though she deserves eighteen gold medals, three Purple Hearts, and oral sex from EVERYONE, when D-Baby stops him and legitimizes him like -

So P-Dinky is all, “Good move, gurl.” And she’s like -

So anyway, I guess toasting Gendry got everybody REAL horny because Jaime and Brienne start looking at each other all -

While Pod is all -

and Bran is still just -

Meanwhile, P-Dinky has joined Brienne and Jaime and they’re playing that fun drinking game from Season One. P-Dinky’s like, “Brienne, you’re an only child!”

“You danced with Renly Baratheon!”

“YOU’RE A VIRGIN!”

Anyway, this triggers Ginger Wildling to pop over like this -

Which gives P-Dinky the prime opportunity to do this -

So that Brienne and Jaime can head off and do this -

And in keeping with the “SPEAK YOUR TRUTH” theme of this segment, Gendry comes running to Arya all -

And Arya, God bless her, lets him down so easy, like “Boo, you got that D, you got that bod, but at the end of the day -

By this point, all the dudes are gathered around J-Snow like -

And D-Baby is all -

So she meets him in private a little later, and he’s like-

And she’s like, “Cool, so you ain’t gonna tell anyone shit about how you’re a Targaryen and I’m your aunt, because, bitch -

But J-Snow gonna J-Snow, and he’s like -

So D-Baby’s pissed, and a strategy meeting on how to beat Cersei has her going all -

So Arya, Sansa, and Bran corner J-Snow after the meeting like -

and they give him a little info-sesh on how basically -

which prompts him to instantly tell them what D-Baby told him not to. BECAUSE HE’S A GOOD GUY, PEOPLE!

Okay, so now that we’ve had like 40 minutes of episode that were pretty good, it’s time for D&D to pull something really fucking dumb out of their asses.

So Jaime and P-Dinky are chilling. When who should come strolling in but Bronn!

And basically he’s like, “If you beat Cersei, give me a castle, mmkay?” Before he slinks out of the room like -

Anyway, this is instantly made better by Arya and the Hound reviving the two-season run of their buddy comedy.

And then instantly thrown to shit by J-Snow saying bye to Ginger Wildling all -

and to Sam and Gilly all -

and then looking at Ghost like -

OUTSIDE DRAGONSTONE

For the first time since Episode One, WE GO SOMEWHERE ELSE! Okay, we’re sailing to Dragonstone. And Barack and Michelle are like -

While below deck D&D have given Varys permission to talk again, who must’ve been steering clear of Reddit because he only JUST found out that J-Snow is a Targaryen, and he doesn’t like P-Dinky’s solution -

Anyway, up in the sky, D-Baby is flying with her two dragons like - 

when one of the dragons is just like -

So we’re all thinking -

when who should come zooming from behind a rock but Nobody’s Favorite Anything - Uncle Freddie Mercury.

Who has appeared once again with his Amazing Warping Fleet.

So D-Baby is obviously like -

but Uncle Freddie Mercury decides to do something probably unprecedented - i.e. Shoot Giant Crossbows at Ships? Apparently, it works!

So P-Dinky and everyone else wash up to shore -

Except Michelle! Who has been abducted by Uncle Freddie Mercury. Somehow.

Anyway, inside Dragonstone, D-Baby’s found out that she’s gonna have to burn a bunch of civilians in order to dethrone Cersei. And P-Dinky and Varys are like -

So later in private, Varys is all -

and P-Dinky’s like -

WINTERFELL

So Jaime’s bopping around when Sansa finds out Uncle Freddie Mercury kabobbed a dragon. So she’s all, “I always wanted to be there when they executed your sister. Seems like I won’t get the chance.”

Which... for some reason... makes Jaime all...

And leave to... help Cersei?

KING’S LANDING

Okay, so here we are for some sort of parley with Cersei.

We’ve got P-Dinky and Barack and D-Baby and Varys. They’ve got Cersei and Uncle Freddie Mercury and Zombie Mountain and Michelle. When suddenly Maester Frankenstein comes hustling out all -

And at first P-Dinky tries to be all, “Blah blah blah let’s be reasonable” but after a sec he’s just like -

And books it to Cersei, instantly putting this episode hardcore on Emmy Watch.

Anyway, P-Dinky puts on his best poker face and is like -

And Cersei’s all -

But then she’s just like -

prompting D-Baby to be totally like -

BOOB COUNT: 0 BODY COUNT: 2 (RIP Rhaegal and Michelle) EPISODE GRADE: B+

THE SER POUNCE MEMORIAL FOR STRAY THOUGHTS

Kit Harington is not a good actor.

So sure, Daenerys faces a succession threat from Jon. But also let’s keep an eye on the fact that she legitimized Gendry, Robert’s surviving heir. Did she not think this may also bite her in the ass?

Bran says, “I don’t really want anymore.” Okay, queen.

Pod drinking after Tyrion said “You’re a virgin” to Brienne was v funny.

Sansa says says, “Without Littlefinger and Ramsay and the rest, I would have stayed a little bird all my life.” Cringe.

A bon voyage to David Nutter, who’s directed several of the best episodes of Thrones, chiefest among them “The Rains of Castemere.” This is his final entry into Thrones, and despite some shoddy writing here and there, displays some excellent work by him, particularly in the first half hour, which was a welcome bit of after-battle revelry that juggled several character threads while keeping us focused on the growing resentment inside of Daenerys. It’s so nice to see the show breathing with these characters after the breakneck time warping of Season 7, and Nutter’s work in this first half hour and in Episode 2 of this season are largely to thank for that.

Tyrion says to Bronn, “We made a deal long ago, do you remember?” And Bronn instantly regurgitates lines from Season 1 pretty much verbatim. It’s consistently amazing how these characters seem to know the Thrones show Bible better than D&D.

Tyrion says to Sansa about Daenerys, “You seem determined to not like her.” I can’t say I disagree.

Okay, I know I joked about the Ghost thing but the truth is that Ghost has never been a major part of this show and frankly I don’t care at all; it’s a CGI dog that the Internet has a bizarre fixation on.

And now their watch is ended: Presumably this is the end of Kristofer Hivju (Tormund) and John Bradley (Sam), two actors I haven’t super loved on the series but who have had pretty big redemptions for me this season. Shoutout also to Hannah Murphy (Gilly). And of course, Nathalie Emmanuel, who will hopefully be onto bigger and less decapitated things.

Aight so here’s the deal - the basic idea that Jaime would be all “I’ve done many bad things for Cersei and that makes me bad” in conjunction with her being pregnant with his child is an interesting idea. The problem is it comes out of fucking nowhere in this episode. D&D have just done such a horrible job pacing out Jaime’s arc the last few seasons. He stays with Cersei well past the point where it’s logical for him to leave and now, four episodes later, he’s going to go back to her? Messy messy.

This sort of ties into my main problem with the episode. Also full disclosure, it seems I’m in a minority of thinking this was a largely successful hour (or hour 20). Sure, the Bronn thing was stupid and the warp logic was back, but my main quibble was how measured and isolated the first half felt and then how we went back to the sort of time-hopping, questionable logic of Season 7 for the second half. I would wager with this sort of compressed time, this was necessary, and that the 3 remaining hours of the show will have the pieces already in place for an isolated, satisfying climax to the series. But it still can be frustrating to see this sort of perfunctory table-setting, particularly after such a strong first half.

I think what saves the episode ultimately is David Nutter’s focus on Daenerys and how seamlessly these events lead into her becoming a sort of Mad Queen figure. Beginning the episode with her mourning the loss of her most loyal follower, and ending it with the demise of her most trusted confidante as well as the first slave she ever freed (with another dragon loss thrown in for good measure) works so well with Nutter’s isolated framing of Daenerys at the party, and gets inside this character’s head in a way we just haven’t of late.

In this way, I think the show did a lot of good legwork this week in terms of getting me thinking about how I feel about Daenerys. I’ve always assumed this would be where the story would go - into Mad Queen territory. But I feel like I’ve been so ahead of it slash concerned D&D wouldn’t have the balls to do it that I just haven’t been invested in her. But now that it’s finally here, I found myself realizing how badly I feel for her. Sure, she’s unyielding and hotheaded, with a psychopathic streak. But she also has given a lot of people hope, she accomplished a lot across the Narrow Sea, and she volunteered her armies to stand with Jon and company to defeat the White Walkers. But many of the Winterfell crew haven’t given her the time of day or the chance (cough, Sansa). Her whole vibe this episode was someone who’s like, “Okay, now we did that, we get to do what I want to do, right?” and everybody going half-ass on it, and I found that oddly upsetting and sad.

I think, years from now, the pivotal flaw of Game of Thrones will be perceived as the complete fumbling of Daenerys’ and Jon’s character arcs from Season 6 to this point. Now the cards are on the table, and we’re also clearly entering back into the endgame George R. R. Martin revealed to D&D years and years ago. That endgame is shaping up to be quite engrossing - Daenerys, a woman who had everything taken from her and created a revolution across the Narrow Sea in order to claim the throne she believed was her right, has realized that not only is she not as welcome as she thought she would be, she isn’t even the rightful Targaryen heir. Jon, who’s bound by his honor but doesn’t even want the throne, will have to contend with this, as well as the shifting support of Varys and perhaps Tyrion, who is headed into a battle between the queen he’s quickly losing faith in and a ruthless hateful woman who, deep down, will always be his sister. This is great stuff, but it would be even better had Daenerys’ shift not been consigned mostly to this episode, and if Jon had demonstrated his capability at being a good ruler and military strategist. The Daenerys stuff is kinda there; there is a trail of breadcrumbs throughout the seasons, but it still feels like the show has wanted to have its cake and eat it too, framing her conquering ways as “yass queen” moments of badassery while also wanting to make us feel a little queasy. But Jon has come off an idiot too many times - almost losing the Battle of the Bastards, going beyond the wall to capture a wight with no real plan - that it’s taking a potentially interesting conflict and making it kinda seem like D&D just want Jon to be the King because he’s a dude. This is just a great example of how D&D may stick the landing just as George has planned, but have botched it in the lead-up.

That said, I’m more invested in the outcome of this than I have been in a while; the zombies are gone, the “good vs. evil” element seems to be taking a backseat, and the table is set for a lot of interesting conflicts to play out in these final two episodes.

NEXT WEEK: The Last War begins. And hopefully Uncle Freddie Mercury dies.

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VIII: Episode 3 - Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

All right people - so some shit went down, and between Avengers: Endgame and this, I imagine the entire nerd populace of the world is going to be comatose this week. You have permission to take a break from twerking for a moment, because damn. But first, let’s unpack.

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode. So if you don’t know who dies, who fucks who, and how to turn the brightness up on your TV high enough, turn back now.

So we start out like La La Land with like a long tracking shot checking in on a bunch of people. We’ve got Sam bopping around all -

Before he passes it off to P-Dinky, who’s like -

While Lady Sophia Grace is just like -

Except it’s all just like... morbidly depressing. And Bran is there.

So yeah Bran is off to the godswood where I’m sure he’s going to do something very very important, while everyone else is chilling on the battlements. We’ve got Sansa.

And Barack.

And Gendry.

Anyway, the horses are starting to get kinda impatient. And like oh wow Ghost is here!

When suddenly we start pulling in on the darkness opposite our heroes. And I’m like-

But we don’t get any zombies yet because first who should come clomp clomping in but Big Red herself, riding solo.

And people she’s got a real special pre-game ritual she wants to share when she goes full Oprah like, “YOU GET A FIRE SWORD! AND YOU GET A FIRE SWORD! AND YOU GET A FIRE SWORD!”

So Big Red is strutting into Winterfell all -

And Davos is like, “Um, can we talk about Baby Girl Dragonface?” And Big Red is just like -

And anyway there’s no time, because the Dothraki are charging. We’ve got Jorah, we’ve got fire catapults, we’ve got Ghost all -

And it’s really fucking fierce but they’re also running into the darkness and I’m like -

Well, it turns out they couldn’t see what the fuck they were headed toward either because all of a sudden they’re like -

And all the fires just go -

Everybody’s like -

Anyway, D-Baby and J-Snow are doing what they do best and being boring on a cliff somewhere. And J-Snow’s all, “Blah blah blah gotta wait for the Night Queen.” But D-Baby’s like, “Those are my boys.”

And like, thank God because the zombies. Are. Here. So they’re rushing our Unsullied bros all -

And people are just getting fucking mauled. Except like, Brienne. And Jaime. And Tormund. And Pod. And Gendry. And Sam. But like everyone who we don’t know? They’re getting mauled. Until Deus Ex D-Baby swoops in once again all -

And like, thank God her indiscriminate fire blasting doesn’t wind up killing any of our heroes, because like. That would be crazy. 

Joining the derby is J-Snow, who is suddenly a whiz at flying a dragon thanks to his Impromptu Booty Call Lesson. And he sees the Frosty Posse (copyright John Way) literally CHILLING at the edge of the woods and is like -

Until the Posse’s like -

Thereby creating worse whiteout conditions than when I was driving home from my grandma’s two Christmases ago. AND THAT SHIT WAS BAD! So like all the good guys and the zombies are like -

But the snow’s like -

And I’m like -

Except That One Night’s Watch Guy died. That was sad.

At this point, Sansa’s like, “I’ma go see how things are down in the crypt.” But she’s greeted by like the shadiest looks ever, to which she’s just like -

And GURL. Things are not going well upstairs, because everyone has quickly gone from this -

to this -

While D-Baby and J-Snow are flying around like Diana Ross in the blizzard scene from The Wiz. SIDEBAR: THERE IS NO GIF OF THAT BUT YOU TRULY MUST LOOK IT UP BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING BATSHIT AND ALSO A VERY APPROPRIATE COMPARISON FOR THIS SHIT.

So everybody’s charging back into Winterfell and Barack is trying to light some big trench thing. But it’s so fucking dark and blizzardy that D-Baby’s like -

And so our boys keep trying all these different non-dragon ways to light them but the zombies are just like -

So at this point I legit think Barack is gonna jump in like -

But then I remember WE GOT BIG RED! Who decides to take this opportunity to move. So. Fucking. Slowly.

Finally she gets to the trench and she’s all -

And the trench is like -

Meanwhile, down in the crypts, Varys is like, “At least we’re already in a crypt.” And I’m like - IN THIS SITUATION THAT IS NOT A GOOD THING! Like, in the “Game Revealed” doc on this episode, Peter Dinklage literally says, “We’re fighting a guy who can bring the dead back to life and we’ve put the women and children in the crypt. Tyrion’s smart, but I guess not that smart...”

Anyway, back to Bran.

who suddenly is all -

And it’s kinda like, “Fine, Bran, you’re real shitty company anyway.” So he like Vision Quests into the ravens, who fly around for no other purpose other than to give the Night Queen her grand Season 8 entrance.

So she’s here, she’s fierce, her head is her crown, get used to it. And what better way to kick things off than waving her little hand and making all the zombies go -

right into the fire. So now we gotta defend the wall. Except they’re all like -

While the Night Queen finds J-Snow and is like -

Anyway, there’s a lot more fighting.

And in the middle of it all, the Hound is in full meltdown mode.

Luckily Arya’s here all -

And then something crazy happens. So like Lady Sophia Grace is back.

When suddenly, the Zombie Version of the Giant Who Doesn’t Like People Looking At Him crashes the party like -

And ohmigod he is so fucking rude he just like BITCHSLAPS Lady Sophia Grace to the ground.

And then Lady Sophia screams like the fucking fierce bitch she is and charges him, only to get squeezed like a mother. fucking. bug. And the Giant is like totally gonna fucking eat her.

But she’s still like -

And she stabs him in the fucking eye. 

She still dies though. RIP Lady Sophia.

Okay, so somewhere in the middle of all this, THIS happens to Arya -

So she’s running around the castle with like a minor concussion all -

until she stumbles into the Library Section of the Haunted Mansion, where the more literate zombies are browsing.

So she distracts them with a diversion.

Yes, Legolas, that’s what I just fucking said. And then she’s outta there. But not before accidentally kabobbing Sharon Needles, who was just on her way to pick up a nice periodical, causing Sharon to relive her best runway -

Like, thanks Arya for making her even more fierce.

Anyway, she finally gets out of there and she’s all -

But then the zombies are like -

and then it’s just like -

Until she runs into the Hound and Eyepatch Dude, who totally bites it in a fierce-ass Jesus pose to save her.

RIP Eyepatch Dude.  Okay, at this point Arya and the Hound happen to find the one room with a door the zombies can’t Koolaid-Man through, and who should be chilling in there but BIG RED! And she’s all, “What do we say to the God of Death?” And Arya’s like -

Meanwhile, the Night Queen’s starting to blow shit up when J-Snow’s dragon attacks hers and totally Mike Tysons it.

So the Night Queen’s all -

and J-Snow’s dragon is all -

Meanwhile, D-Baby finds the Night Queen and is all -

But Ms. Queen is just like -

and heads off into the castle with the biggest shit-eating grin you’ve ever seen in your life. So J-Snow’s after him all -

And Ms. Queen turns.

Before deciding to recreate her greatest hit - 

J-Snow’s like -

But it’s too late, because everyone is all -

And Ms. Queen just turns around like -

Okay, so meanwhile down in the crypt, everyone is totally shook that the dead are coming back to life and I’m just like -

While upstairs, D-Baby is too busy staring at J-Snow to realize the zombies are mauling her dragon for autographs! So the dragon is like -

But winds up knocking D-Baby off!!! So she’s like totally gone-zo when who should come to her rescue but Jorah!

Anyway, J-Snow’s trying to get to Bran, because like - God forbid he get interrupted on his raven joyride. And he sees Sam, who seems to be spending this entire episode all -

But J-Snow’s like -

So anyway, shit’s really hitting the fan now, and P-Dinky and Sansa are looking at each other all -

When the music decides to bring things down a bit.

And it’s just like zombie dragon flipping out, people dying, Jorah going all -

And meanwhile Theon and the Ironborn have decided that the best way to protect Bran is just to use arrows? But like now Theon has a spear? Anyway, Ms. Queen and the Frosty Posse are strutting into the godswood all -

And Bran has had enough fucking around with the ravens, so he comes back to earth long enough to tell Theon -

Which I guess translates to, “Go charge the Magic Ice Man For Me Even Though He’s Def Gonna Kill You, Charlie Brown.” Anyway, Theon? He dead, and so Ms. Queen can truck on to Bran like -

Until finally he’s there. And Ms. Queen is all -

And Bran is like -

And truly truly truly I thought it was gonna end here. Or like, Ms. Queen would take Bran and that’d be that. But never in a million years, and I mean a MILLION YEARS did I think Arya was gonna come flying in like -

‘Cause she goes -

And he goes -

And then everything’s just like -

At this point everyone ON the show, WATCHING the show, or in any way affiliated with the show is just like -

Except for Bran. ‘Cause like. Of course.

So now all that’s left is for Big Red to walk off into the sunset all -

Sleep, Big Red. You done good.

BOOB COUNT: NONE! BODY COUNT: Bitch, I’m not counting. But RIP Dolorous Edd, Lady Sophia Grace, Beric Dondarrion, Theon Greyjoy, Zombie Viserion, The Night Queen, Jorah Mormont, Melisandre EPISODE GRADE: B+

THE SER POUNCE MEMORIAL FOR STRAY THOUGHTS

First off, a very sincere hats off to director Miguel Sapochnik (of “Hardhome,” “Battle of the Bastards,” and “The Winds of Winter”) and the entire cast and crew for pulling this off. Thrones spoils us, but the fact of the matter is that no other show is giving this level of production on television, and the technical virtuosity on display is out of this world. Check out “The Game Revealed” for this week for a 40-minute deep dive into the 55-night shoot that was this episode - it’s good stuff. Now, let’s pick it apart a little.

Okay, so very cool, we have the Dothraki with the flaming arakhs charging and then the flames going out, but like - what was the plan here? Because everybody knows you gotta burn these zombies to really end them, and they didn’t know Melisandre was coming. So essentially, they were just gonna charge their best fighters at the zombies and like… see what happened?

The sequence after the fires went out and some horses and Dothraki and Jorah came running back was haunting. But I did think it was foreboding something other than just like “We’re running away from zombies.”

Jon’s first line of the episode and seemingly the only thing he says anymore, “The Night King is coming.” In fact, because he’s said this so fucking much, I’d forgotten that Daenerys and he were charged primarily with taking out the Night King. This could’ve been established a little better. Like yes they talked about it last episode, but I could’ve used being re-oriented insofar as “Okay, these two are with the dragons over here literally waiting till the Night King shows himself” because I found myself often wondering why the fuck they weren’t just roasting zombies.

There was obviously an unprecedented scope to this battle, and seeing grand moments like the Unsullied defending the gate was a really cool payoff for an army we’ve been with for 6 seasons now.

That said, something I thought was highly unsuccessful about this episode was how detached it felt from last week’s, which reinvested me in pretty much all these characters. The wider and chaotic look at this battle made it hard to focus on those characters, and while I appreciated the immersion of the sequence, it grew tiring for me.

A nice zoom-in moment is with Grey Worm at the gate, trying to figure out what to do. But the geography of where Melisandre was and when the idea came to him to use her for the trench was confusing.

“Maybe we should have stayed married.” “You were the best of them.” “What a terrifying thought.”

Ramin Djawadi started this awesome White Walker cue back on “Hardhome” that sounds like a clock ticking and I love it every time he uses it. Also his cue “The Night King” is perfection.

Great use of color in this episode to delineate the stages of the battle. And I know we’re all giving it shit for being hard to see, but I’d imagine the blizzardy chaos and the hellfire that dominates the trench section helped them stretch their budget by obscuring most of the backgrounds.

Love, love, loved the library scene.

Let’s not pretend they didn’t crib Helm’s Deep pretty hard here. Melisandre’s arrival was the Elves, the crypts were the glittering caves. We had wall climbing and very similar all is lost moments. It’s a good thing to steal from, but let’s not pretend.

Beautiful work from Sophie Turner and Peter Dinklage in the crypts.

I was very satisfied by all the major deaths this week, in particular Theon’s, but the idea that Bran had to rubber stamp that Theon was “a good man” irritated me a little. The whole thing of Thrones has been that these people are complicated, and Theon is one of the most complicated. So to just sweep it all under the rug and come down hard on one side of it felt reductive. Anyway, RIP Alfie Allen, one of my favorite actors on the show.

RIP also to Iain Glen, our Jorah 5EVER.

Alas, Bran is still with us, and he was another hugely unsuccessful element of the episode. Using him as the Macguffin was a good idea, but D&D never succeeded at explaining what it was that was so important about him to the Night King. Likewise, when he went into the ravens and people were protecting him, wouldn’t it have been stronger if he was actually doing something of use? Something that if it was interrupted would ruin everything? Rather than just joy-riding?

I’ve seen a lot of people wish more characters had died, and I hear that. But it’s a tricky thing at this point on the show. As much as Thrones has been unafraid of killing its characters, it’s never done it in a random way. Ned died as a consequence for his actions, as do pretty much all the major characters on the show. To just randomly start killing them sounds like something that would happen in a battle, sure, but would be largely unsatisfying. And we know these characters so well now that moments need to be made of their demises. I thought the show did an excellent job of dispatching a fairly substantial crew of major characters in a satisfying way, but too much of this and it’s gonna get tiring.

Speaking of which, the Night King. Okay, so Arya killing him was obviously outstanding, made even more satisfying by the fact that it made complete sense with her arc and that Sapochnik was so successful in setting it up so clearly in the episode and then making us completely forget about it. When she stabbed him and he exploded, I honestly could not believe what I was seeing. One of the most satisfying crowd-pleaser moments I’ve ever seen.

That said, the thing that stinks up this episode for me is not that it was hard to see or that not enough people died, but that the White Walkers ultimately amounted to nothing. I love love love the device of killing them with three episodes left to go and refocusing the show on the political, but the Night King was such an amazing villain because of his mystery and the promise that one day we’d find out what his M.O. was. I worried last week that when the characters perfunctorily said he wants to destroy history, that was all we’d get in the way of that but sadly, it seems it may be. We should’ve known they wouldn’t handle this very well when they swept the White Walker origin story under the rug in Season 6, but it’s very disappointing to see that ultimately he was just a bad dude. The way it ended was epic, but we deserved to know more about motivations and the stakes of the situation before it was all over. To sum it up, D&D are very lucky that their fairly mid-level writing is in the hands of a master like Sapochnik and a dynamite cast and crew.

NEXT WEEK: Cersei’s back.

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VIII: Episode 2 - Pissing the Night Away

Listen. I don’t have time for your shit, because we have four episodes left people. And if I don’t see you shaking your asses for the gods pronto, they’re gonna kill Arya. So get twerking people.

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode. So if you don’t know who dies, who fucks who, and just how GORGE Pod’s singing voice is, turn back now.

Okay, so first off Big Little Lies is coming back. And you know Nicole is hoping they’re campaigning Meryl for Guest Actor because she is coming. For that. Emmy.

Okay, onward. I hope you brought your parka because we spent all week at Winterfell. We start with Jaime on trial before D-Baby, and let me tell you-

D-Baby’s all -

And Sansa’s like -

And Bran’s like -

So needless to say, it’s looking real bad for Jame-Jame, until Brienne stands up and is like “#NOTALLMEN!” And Sansa’s all -

But D-Baby’s still pretty pissed and she turns to J-Snow all, “Beebee, help your main squeeze out!” But he’s like, “Gurl, I just found out you’re literally my aunt.”

Then there’s like a five minute sequence where everyone in the room is just like -

And I’m just hoping against hope there’s not too much more D-Baby this episode, because I’m already tapped out.

Luckily for all of us, it’s time for you know who.

Truly this man is such a Thirst Trap at this point that they literally frame him like this -

And Arya’s just like -

So then she takes a page out of the How to Win Friends and Fuck Gendry textbook and chucks like three spears right next to this rando dude who for some reason is like UN-FAZED. And I’m like -

And it seriously takes him like three of these spears for him to clear out. By which point Gendry is fully on verse five of -

So then Jaime tries to go talk to Bran, which is basically equivalent to having a conversation with a tree stump or a piece of chalk.

What we DO have time for is him chilling with P-Dinky, even though all the Winterfell dudes are like -

Like, have some fucking manners people. So Jaime’s all nervous about D-Baby because ya know, she’s a raging psycho killer. But P-Dinky reassures him -

AND THAT TURNED OUT GREAT! So soon enough Jaime is making like the writers and ignoring Tyrion in order to lock eyes with Brienne all -

And of course he runs into Pod, who has spent a semester at the Neville Longbottom School For Weird Goofy Side Characters Who Turn Out Hot?

Also he is mildly good at sword fighting now, which feels like perhaps the only plot line of the last two seasons that developed over a reasonably believable period of time.

Anyway, Jaime spends a good two minutes complimenting Brienne and she’s all -

While we’re like -

Okay. So we're back with D-Baby.

No, no, shh. It’s gonna be okay, because Jorah’s here to tell her -

Before shipping her off to Sansa, so they can literally do this -

But that is quickly interrupted by the warp arrival OF -

THEON! And Sansa and he are like -

And we’re all like -

Anyway, Davos is apparently now the Winterfell Soup Nazi.

When who should he bump into but Baby Girl Dragonface 2.0, who looks so fucking cute but sounds like this -

Like she literally is giving me straight -

Anyway, she’s gonna defend the crypts, which is probably not the safest place to be when under invasion from an army that can RAISE THE DEAD.

But I digress. In come the Night’s Watch survivors, and J-Snow SMILES.

Before Ginger Wildling bursts in like -

Like either Ginger Wildling is dying next episode and needed to get all his crazy out this episode or he just huffed a shit-ton of bath salts. Because he was feeling a certain kind of way.

Anyway, then we get this -

Before we are privy to the Big Good Guy War Council, where they basically decide they’re gonna park Bran in the godswood as bait for the Night Queen. Because who could resist this?

Anyway, yadda yadda yadda, it’s time for Barack. Who’s strutting around outside like -

While Michelle gives her best -

And of course, that ended well.

Later that night, J-Snow is chilling on the battlements with Sam and none other than GHOST!

And they’re all like, “Get yo ass to the crypts, Sam!” And he’s like, “Bitch I’m hard! I stole books!”

At some point in here, J-Snow laughs.

And then we go to the best location of the episode - the Winterfell Ski Lodge. Copyright Thomas Constantine Moore. Which starts just as a bro hang between P-Dinky and Jaime, where P-Dinky literally toasts to the PERILS OF SELF-BETTERMENT.

Then we get our first party-crashers, Brienne and Hot Pod. P-Dinky’s like, “Want some wine?” Brienne’s all, “Half a cup.” And Pod’s like -

Then Davos shows up, taking a break from Soup Nazi duties to warm his ass by the fire.

And THEN we get Ginger Wildling, who tells his origin story which literally consists of him killing a giant, fucking his wife, and then suckling at her tit for THREE MONTHS.

Okay, so it’s time for Arya and Gendry scene Number Two. We’ve got Arya shooting arrows. We’ve got Gendry, bringing her her weapon, which is just like... a spear.

But like- people, it’s about the subtext. Because underneath it all, Gendry’s like -

And Arya’s all -

And we’re totally like -

And then they um they do. They actually fuck. Wow. 

Moving right along...

Back in the ski lodge, P-Dinky’s like -

And everybody else is like -

Until Ginger Wildling’s all up in arms because Brienne isn’t a knight. He’s like, “Why the fuck not?” And she’s like -

And he’s all, “I HATE FIDDLER ON THE ROOF!” So then. Oh, boy.

Jaime takes out his sword and he’s like -

And Brienne’s all, “Hmm, I dunno...” So Jaime’s like -

And Brienne’s like -

So Jaime full on dubs her. And Brienne’s like -

Somewhere in here Lady Sophia Grace is fierce.

But then, just when we think the Ski Lodge can’t get any better, Pod opens his sweet angel face and is like -

And then it’s just full on -

And Sam and Gilly are all -

And Sansa and Theon are all -

And Arya and Gendry are like -

And then... we’re back with D-Baby and J-Snow. 

But just as they’re about to be interminably boring, a horn blows.

And everybody takes their places. And the Night Queen is out there. And P-Dinky’s like -

And we cut to black.

EPISODE GRADE: A BODY COUNT: 0 BOOB COUNT: 1 sideboob 

THE SER POUNCE MEMORIAL FOR STRAY THOUGHTS

The amount of times people talked about how safe it’s going to be down in the crypts makes me think it’s not going to be very safe down in the crypts.

“What about afterwards?” “How do you know there is an afterwards?” BECAUSE THERE ARE FOUR EPISODES LEFT, BRAN!

In the scene where Tyrion is walking around Winterfell, he’s surrounded by men hacking shit with axes. I don’t think this is unintentional.

Chekhov’s bridge that collapses and turns into dragonglass barrier -noted.

Jorah acknowledging he’s the best but that Tyrion is a better Hand - further proof that he is the One True Daddy Cool.

I still am dying on the hill that Tyrion struck some type of deal with Cersei last season. With Daenerys coming around to forgiving him for his mistakes and trusting him again, this would place him in a precarious situation should she ever find out.

“Men do stupid things for women.”

Everybody I was watching thought the Sansa-Theon stuff was foreshadowing some romance. I did not get this. What did we think?

It will forever be weird to me that people in-world call the Winterfell fight “The Battle of the Bastards.”

Baby Girl Dragonface 2.0 was such an elegant way to have Davos and Gilly bond over both learning to read from Shireen. And excellent use of that character’s theme from Ramin Djawadi. TOO BAD SHE’S GOING TO DEFEND THE CRYPT, AMIRIGHT?

I have been averse to Tormund of late, but boy oh boy was he so fucking funny this episode.

If Beric gives the Hound a sermon, the Hound says “the Lord of Light is gonna wonder why he brought you back 19 times just to watch me chuck you over this fucking wall.”

Kudos to the show for letting Arya FUCK! It’s a real risky thing giving a sex scene to a character we’ve watched grow from literally a little girl; it’s not something I expected or even particularly wanted, but ultimately was intriguingly satisfying.

“I think we might live. I do.” is one of my favorite Tyrion moments. So incredibly lovely.

Full disclosure, this is one of my very favorite episodes of Thrones ever.  If last week was fan service-y Marvel-esque perfunctory reunions for an hour, this one felt like the first time the series really cashed in on the shared history of these characters and the nostalgia we feel for having grown up watching this in a sophisticated, satisfying way. I give this show a hard time a lot, but it’s been a defining part of this decade for me, and spending this time with these characters in the calm before the storm this week meant everything. Much credit to director David Nutter, to this incredible ensemble, and to writer Bryan Cogman, who has been on the series since Season One. He’s had a lot of ups and downs (he was saddled with the unenviable task of penning the Sansa rape episode), but this is his final episode, and he couldn’t be leaving on a higher note.

It goes without saying, but I’m going to miss all these characters so very much.

NEXT WEEK: Shit hits the fan in the season’s longest episode.

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VIII: Episode 1 - Eighth Verse, Same as the First

All right you sons of bitches, here we motherfucking go. The last six episodes. I want to see you wrapping yourselves up in fur, hopping on your nearest dragon, and shaking your asses... because winter? She’s here.

WARNING: Spoilers for the latest episode below, so if you haven’t seen it and don’t know yet who dies, who fucks who, and just how many times Bran was creeping in his wheelchair, turn back now.

WINTERFELL

Okay, so after the credits are like -

we see this rando little boy running around and we’re kinda like, “Little Boy, what the fuck are you up to?” And he’s like -

And it’s kinda like “Okay, little boy, chill the fuck out because D-Baby and J’Snow are COMING. TO. TOWN.” So they’re strutting in like -

And Arya’s watching like -

but also a little like -

And meanwhile during all this, Barack and Michelle are looking around all -

Anyway, the whole thing is like kinda gorgeous and super nostalgic but like in a good way and we’re kinda like, “This might actually just be really fucking great.” But then D&D are like, “Boy, do we have a fucking treat for you guys, ‘cause the first line of the season? Yeah, it’s gonna be a joke about how Varys doesn’t have a dick!”

And what’s more constant on Game of Thrones than dick jokes? No, aside from gratuitous nudity. No, also aside from sexual violence against women. Yes, that’s right. Dragons. The lone survivors come flying over Winterfell, and Arya’s like -

while Sansa is all -

Truly not having it. Okay, so finally J-Snow winds up in the Winterfell courtyard and we see somebody creeping in the corner of the frame like -

SURPRISE! IT’S BRAN! And J-Snow’s all, “Yo little bro, it’s so crazy to see you. You’re totally a grown ass man now.” And Bran is all -

And we’re like, “Cool, so he’s like TOTALLY just a fucking meme now, got it.” 

Meanwhile, tensions are HIGH inside the Meeting Hall when Lady Sophia Grace reads. J-Snow. To. Filth.

And so it’s like drama, drama, drama, but like none of it ultimately matters because guess who’s fucking back with like a REAL White Supremacist haircut?

That’s right. Hide yo kids. Hide yo wife. And also minorities, because... that haircut is a little concerning.

He’s basically like, “Gotta have more coal, gotta have more coal,” while P-Dinky and Sansa have That Awkward Remember When We Got Married talk and Bran watches from the courtyard like -

Then for Reunion #5,765 we’ve got Arya and J-Snow. Arya is all, “You used to be taller,” and J-Snow is like, “You used to seem less like a sociopath.” 

Anyway, they bond over Arya’s sword and he’s like, “Have you ever used it?” And she’s just like -

And then J-Snow is like, ‘Look at us, we have swords, we have so much in common, also ISN’T SANSA A BITCH?” And Arya’s just like -

KING’S LANDING

So Cersei is literally dressed like this.

when Uncle Freddie Mercury struts into the Throne Room, and this time he’s brought Jon Bon Jovi along for the ride.

HEY, GURL! So Cersei’s pretty stoked that she has Bon Jovi’s army, but also a little bit like -

Meanwhile, Uncle Freddie’s just got one thing on his mind.

And after putting up a little bit of a fight, Cersei is just like -

And then we just cut to Bronn Piece of Fucking Shit in the middle of this -

when Maester Frankenstein bursts in all -

So the Boob Ladies have gotta go, but not before one of the craziest things ever to happen on this show goes down. First one of the Ladies goes to Maester Frankenstein all -

And then he literally says, “Poor girl. The pox will take her within the year.”

Yeah, glad we’re spending time on this. Anyway, I guess Cersei like... wants Bronn to kill Jaime and P-Dinky. Sure. Next.

Cersei is post-coital and all she can think about is -

While Uncle Freddie is just like, “Girl you make me wanna get you pregnant,” and she’s just like -

Meanwhile, outside on Uncle Freddie’s ship, all the guards are suddenly like -

except legit one of them already has a fucked-up eye before he gets shot. I’m not even kidding, check it back... so I guess, no harm no foul? Anyway, it turns out it’s Theon rescuing his sister. And clearly we’re supposed to all be like -

But instead it’s kinda like -

Like. So easy that they steal a bunch of Uncle Freddie’s ships. Again. Like, Freddie. Get on your shit.

WINTERFELL

Back here, Varys is singing my favorite Harry Styles song.

While D-Baby and J-Snow are running around like -

Like truly has there ever been a piece of entertainment so sure we are invested in a couple and so wrong as Thrones is with these two?

But gird your loins, people because D-Baby is like “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta RIDE MY FUCKING DRAGON.” So J-Snow is like -

and then it just turns into this -

meets this -

Because when your lead actors don’t have chemistry, it’s best to surround them with CGI gobbledegook and then make them say the most fuckboy of fuckboy things ever. J-Snow: It’s cold up here for a southern girl. D-Baby: So keep your queen warm.

Anyway, back to the real show.

Much better. So it’s time for the second leg of the Arya Reunion Tour. We’ve got the Hound. We’ve got Gendry. And the Hound is all, “You left me for dead.” And Arya’s all, “Nuh-uh, first I stole that PAPER.” And the Hound is like -

“Peace.” So then it’s just Gendry and Arya. And Gendry’s all, “Gurl you look GOOD.” And Arya’s like, “Yo I hate being called milady except when it’s YOU ON THE OTHER END.” And I’m literally like SALIVATING for these two to just BONE already.

But first Arya shows him some shitty drawing and is like, “Can you make this?” And he’s like -

So then we get to what winds up being the best part of the episode, which is the only time that term can be applied to anything relating to Samwell Tarly. I know, I’m just as surprised as you. So D-Baby struts in to see him and she’s all, “You’re the man.” 

And she’s like, “Sure. I mean the man who healed Ser Jorah! THANKS FOR THAT!”

“Oh, also, by the way. I literally burnt your father alive.” And Sam’s all -

But then he’s like, “Wait, but now I can move back in with my brother!”

And she’s like, “Okay so I burnt him alive as well.”

So Sam’s like -

So he’s having a bad day, right? Like it’s horrible enough that he has to deal with this shit, and when he goes outside he almost gets hit by a fucking wagon, but the worst of the worst is that he winds up running straight into -

And it’s like BRAN! WHY HAVE YOU BECOME THE WEIRD WALDORF KID WHO CUTS HIS OWN HAIR AND LISTENS TO WAY TOO MUCH COLDPLAY?!?! AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST SITTING HERE?!?!

Ugh, whatever. So he’s like, “Sam. It’s time to tell Jon the truth.” And Sam’s like, “Oh, bitch, you bet it fucking is.” So he storms down to J-Snow and tells him the two words he needs to hear most.

THE LAST HEARTH

So Ginger Wildling and Eyepatch Dude somehow survived the Wall falling.

And they’re wandering around this place we’ve never been before all -

When suddenly they run into a bunch of Night’s Watch people and That Night’s Watch Dude Who’s Been Around forever shouts the thing I thought all Oscar season about Bradley Cooper -

“STAY BACK! HE’S GOT BLUE EYES!”

But then everybody chills the fuck out and they go into this room where this little dead boy is the centerpiece of some bizarre art installation by the Night Queen.

And they’re like, “Notice the use of light” when suddenly the dead little boy is like -

and they’re like -

Which makes for Child Burning #2 on this show. So that’s good.

WINTERFELL

Okay, so then we’ve got Mysterious Hooded Figure approaching the castle. And I’m like... “Melisandre?” And the show’s like...

And I’m like... “Littlefinger?!?” And the show’s like...

And I’m like... “Beyonce?!?” And the show’s like...

And I’m like -

Until he looks over. And who else should he see but -

This fucking kid.

BOOB COUNT: 3 pairs BODY COUNT: 1 (RIP Ned Umber, whoever the fuck you are) EPISODE GRADE: B-

Okay, so this spot used to be reserved for SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS, but then D&D announced Ser Pounce is dead because they’re cruel bastards. So I announce the installation of:

THE SER POUNCE MEMORIAL FOR STRAY THOUGHTS

I was one hundred percent down with the echoes of the pilot episode - Arya clocking the little boy watching the procession just as she had, the scoring. I typically hate when movies or shows repeat earlier stuff in their home stretches, but this was well-done and satisfying nostalgia porn.

Why do we continue these ball jokes? Does anybody genuinely think they’re funny anymore? ANSWER ME!!!

There’s a long linger on Bran’s first look at Daenerys. I suppose this could be because he knows she’s Jon’s aunt, but maybe he knows something else in her future. But also who gives a fuck, Bran’s nuts.

Okay, so this Tyrion trusting Cersei shit - there’s gotta be something going on here, because I don’t believe for a second Tyrion would believe she’d actually come unless he, as suspected, struck some kind of deal with her. He says, “She has something to live for now,” which ties back to the moment we cut away from their scene last year. Could he have made some sort of deal about the baby? As in he will fight for the Lannister lineage? I don’t know what this means yet, but I will justify hardcore when the show starts making Tyrion look like a fucking dumbass.

It’s so frustrating that Jon is right - everybody does need to work together - and yet he seems to not accept that it’s completely valid that people should be challenging his leadership tactics after botching two military operations the last two seasons. I’m so over him.

Harry Strickland’s entrance with 6 episodes left feels suspect. Let us not forget that in the books there is the other Aegon who is represented by the Golden Company. We don’t know where that plotline is going, but it’s very possible Strickland is this character incognito, and that he will ultimately be the one to kill Cersei. He has only a few moments in this episode, but his looks at Cersei and the Red Keep are quite loaded.

I hate no character more than Bronn and I am also certain no character will survive more than Bronn.

Moments like the elephant shit turn these characters into campy weirdos that make me wonder if D&D even like these people at all.

I suppose I’m mildly interested in the fact that Cersei has so alienated herself from everyone that she has to turn to Euron for the tiniest bit of comfort. But then I remember that Euron is one of the most lazily-written villains ever and I stop caring.

Boy, the buildup for the Theon rescue mission was so great and boy, the payoff was lousy.

“I don’t know how to ride a dragon.” “Nobody does, until they ride a dragon.” Television writing - so easy a fourth grader could do it.

Dragon doesn’t like Jon kissing Daenerys. Does dragon want to fuck Daenerys?

As much as Sansa is calling Jon on the carpet about his allegiance with Daenerys and his seeming ineptitude at leading, she has even more grounds to be pissed off than she’s showing here. I’m hopeful that we are meant to side with her and that it isn’t the show just giving Jon another free pass for being the de facto “hero” of the show.

And the MVP of the episode shockingly goes to John Bradley, who is heartbreaking in his scene with Daenerys. Moreover, combining the Targaryen reveal to Jon with the notion that Jon may be turning a blind eye to Daenerys’ more psychopathic tendencies sets up a really interesting conflict that hopefully the rest of the season cashes in on. And having it come from the one person Jon knows wouldn’t lie to him made it all the more powerful.

“My father was the most honorable man I ever met” - the words of denial

“You gave up your crown to save your people. Would she do the same?”

So obviously the Bran stuff is just a fucking lost cause at this point. But even I will admit the symmetry of the ending with Jaime took me by surprise and gave me chills. I’m not a monster.

NEXT WEEK: Jaime’s got some ‘splainin’ to do.

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VII: Episode 7 - Lord Help the Mister Who Comes Between Me and My Sister

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode below, so if you haven’t seen it and don’t know yet who dies, who fucks who, and how many times Bronn said the word “cock”, turn back now. 

KING’S LANDING

Yo. We all missed an episode because Barack is alive and well and standing outside of King’s Landing.

And it’s just like Barack staring up at Jaime and Bronn. And Bronn and Jaime staring down at Barack and the Unsullied. And then of course, D&D make Bronn say dumb fucking shit because they think we like it.

Literally this is the exchange.

Bronn: Men without COCKS. You wouldn’t find me fighting in an army if I had no COCK. What’s left to fight for?

Jaime: Gold. Bronn: I spent my life around soldiers. I know what they spend their gold on. Jaime: Family. Bronn: Not without a COCK you don’t.

Jaime: Maybe it is all COCKS in the end.

Bronn: And yet you brother has decided to side with the COCKLESS!!!

Next we’ve got the most awkward high school reunion ever, and Pod and P-Dinky are giving so much -

But then Bronn ruins everything again by 1) saying the C word again and 2) referencing that horrific plotline from Season 3 where Pod had a “magic cock.”

From there it’s more speed dating. Brienne’s all -

And the Hound is like -

Also there are so many more GIFs like that. I just looked through them for a solid half hour.

Anyway, everyone shows up in this never-before-seen location called the DRAGONPIT because this has literally just become a poorly-planned game of D&D. And once all the good guys (because let’s face it, that’s just what they’ve become) are gathered, there’s an approximate minute of this -

It seriously goes on forever. Like there hasn’t been this much artificial tension since Mayweather vs. Macgregor. Speaking of which, once Cersei shows up, the Hound goes up to Frankenmountain all-

Cleganebowl. Get hype. But first, D-Baby is fashionably late to the party like -

and Cersei’s just like -

And we’re all just kinda like, “Bitch, you better be impressed. That’s a goddamn dragon.”

Anyway, now’s the time for P-Dinky to call the meeting to order, except oh wait Uncle Freddie Mercury is here and he’s trolling from the sidelines like -

Everybody remember how he’s a massive fucking tool? Good. Onward. Welcome to the most well-rehearsed TED Talk ever, hosted by J-Snow, Davos, and the Hound. J-Snow is like, “Blah blah blah White Walkers I saw the Night King.” But Cersei isn’t buying it. She needs a visual aid.

So J-Snow’s like, “Lemme introduce my assistant the Hound.”

And the Hound’s like, “This is a zombie.” 

And Cersei like KINDA freaks the fuck out. Like kinda. But then the TED Talk continues. J-Snow is like, “Note how it still moves around after we cut it in half.” And Dr. Frankenstein is checking it out like -

Then J-Snow is like, “Davos, hand me my torch. Zombies can be killed with fire or dragonglass.” Cue demonstration. And everyone’s like -

Except Uncle Freddie Mercury, who just asks, “Can they swim?” And J-Snow is like, “No.” Which is false, we literally saw zombies swimming last week. But whatever, Freddie’s just like -

Cersei’s still like kinda freaked though. So she’s like, “Aight I’ll help you out if J-Snow doesn’t fucking attack me when this is all over.” But of course J-Snow is just like -

So Cersei’s all -

Naturally, it all comes down to P-Dinky having to clean up everyone else’s mess. Which I am all about because it has been far too long since he and Lena have gotten to act together. But first, we have this weird sequence where P-Dinky’s like -

And it’s just like, IS that what’s going on here? It kinda just seems like you’re going to talk. Which they do and it’s amazing.P-Dinky’s like, “I hate that I killed our dad and all that,” and Cersei’s just like -

So then they check off literally everything on the list of things that need to happen for Lena Headey to get an Emmy. 

Ice cold bitchiness that gives way to vulnerability: check

Emotional “This is why I am the way I am” speech: check

Pregnancy: check

This dynamic scene is instantly contrasted with a J-Snow and D-Baby scene where we’re reminded a) that they exist and b) that they need to fall in love even though there has been no basis for this other than they are hot and the main characters.

This is mercifully interrupted by P-Dinky, who’s followed immediately by Cersei. And she literally just looks at D-Baby and J-Snow and is all -

DRAGONSTONE

Everybody’s back here.

And they’re trying to decide how D-Baby should get to the Wall, and she’s just like, “No, it’s totally fine. I’ll just go on a boat with Jon.” And J-Snow’s like -

And D-Baby’s all -

And Jorah’s just like -

Then D&D randomly remember that Theon is a character and there’s this great scene between he and J-Snow where Theon is like, “Waaaaah why can’t I be more like your dad?” And J-Snow is like -

So Theon goes to the Ironborn people and he’s just like -

And they’re all just like super stoked about this and decide to follow him.

I guess it really is all cocks in the end.

WINTERFELL

Guys, that weird staff writer is back.

And now he’s written a scene where we are expected to buy that Sansa will actually kill Arya. But then she totally flips the tables on Littlefinger and is like, “I’ma kill you bitch!” And Littlefinger’s just like -

And we’re all too fucking confused even though D&D want us to be like -

And it’s just like, D&D. You cannot just pull a twist out of thin air. Like, if we watch this back it should actually make sense that this is where this was going. But literally what, dudes. Were they plotting this all along? If they were, were they just pretending in the scenes they had together where Littlefinger was not around? 

And if it wasn’t happening all along, when was the deciding moment? And why did Arya, who was coming off as an unhinged sociopath, suddenly flip to being like, “Oh yeah okay, it was totally Littlefinger all along. We’ll kill him, cool.”

Bottom line, Sansa’s like -

And Littlefinger’s dead.

And let’s hope the monkey that wrote the Winterfell shit this season is too, because seriously fuck all that shit.

KING’S LANDING

If you were like, “Wow. It seems really weird that Cersei would suddenly just decide to do the right thing” then good on you, because she was totally just kidding.

And Jaime’s like -

“But I’m leaving.” So he goes to leave, but THEN Frankenmountain pops in all -

And Jaime’s just like, “Are you seriously gonna kill me right now?” And I’m thinking she’s totally about to just be like -

But instead he just turns tail leaving her like -

Also it starts snowing in King’s Landing and it’s really kinda gorgeous.

WINTERFELL

Okay, so Sam is in Winterfell, and he visits Bran, who’s staring into a fireplace like -

And Sam’s just kinda like -

And it’s like, “D&D. Instead of turning Bran into a meme why don’t you actually try and write him as an actual fucking character?”

But like, whatever, it’s too late for anything and there’s no time, so Bran’s just like, “I know the truth and it haunts me. J-Snow is a Targaryen.” And Sam’s like, “I know! Rhaegar and Lyanna got married!” And I hate to keep poking holes in literally everything but it’s just like, “Hold up. You were literally NOT PAYING ATTENTION WHEN GILLY GAVE YOU THAT INFORMATION!”

And so then for no real apparent reason Bran starts doing a voiceover telling us information we already know while J-Snow goes to D-Baby on the ship like -

Like with the editing and everything it’s clearly trying to be -

But it’s kind of just like softcore porn narrated like a National Geographic special. Anyway, J-Snow is like -

And then he and D-Baby are just like -

And we half expect the camera to pan over to Bran in the corner like -

But it’s just P-Dinky. Wait. P-Dinky, what are you doing?

THE WALL

Finally, finally, finally after three seasons of me predicting this would happen in the season finale, it happened. The zombies came. And the Night Queen came in on her sick new ride like -

And she was just like -

They are coming. Just really slowly.

BOOB COUNT: 0 BODY COUNT: 2, plus the Wall peeps EPISODE GRADE: B-

SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS

Amazing work as ever from Ramin Djawaldi right from the getgo - loved the mashup of the Unsullied theme and “Rains of Castamere.”

I like how it has just become custom that when you’re on a ship, you’re not allowed to sit down. You must stand for the entire trip and stare dramatically into the middle distance.

Lannister Soldier asks the Hound, “What’s in there?” The Hound says, “Fuck off.” Writing for TV - so easy a middle school boy could do it.

For my money, there was zero tension entering the Dragonpit. Also for my money, this would’ve been solved by cutting the scene where Cersei reveals she has no real plan for this confrontation, telling the Mountain the pecking order of who should die should something go wrong. 

The Dragonpit stuff felt super pedantic to me. For so many characters coming together, I felt zero weight of all their history, except for with Tyrion and Cersei. This was probably aided by their one-on-one scene. There were just too many characters to process all the history.

“We’ve been here for some time” is my new favorite Cersei shade moment.

Shoutout to my friend Celina, who very succintly put the problem of Jon and Daenerys recently on the show - “They aren’t characters. They’re just causes.”

We have watched J-Snow pitch the White Walkers to far, far, far, far, FAR, FAR, FAR, FAAAAAAAAR too many people.

Okay, so Euron isn’t actually going back to the Iron Islands. He’s going to get the Golden Company. But the way he leaves is super context-specific to having just seen a zombie charge at him, something Cersei didn’t know would be happening. So like. What. Was he just told “Find an opportunity to leave?” And then he improvised that and Cersei was just like, “Yes, Good. Job.”

I’m very confused about whether this show is carrying through on the whole “people’s flaws become their undoing” thing that is so inherent in the books and early seasons. Are we supposed to be like “It’s great that Jon still can’t lie, he’s so honorable” because he’s just like the de facto awesome hero man now? Or is this actually going to have consequences? 

Tyrion has had a season filled with failed plans. Again, will this have consequences? Does anybody have any theories as to why he’s lost his mojo? 

I can’t say enough good things about the Cersei-Tyrion scene. It’s time for Lena’s Emmy. Seeing her face-to-face with the rationality of her brother when all she wants is to imagine him a murderous villain was beautifully done. She’s just become one of the best villains of all time.

Has Alfie Allen ever been bad on this show?

I’m so here for Theon’s redemption story. I actually would rather the show just turn into that at this point.

I also can’t say enough bad things about the Winterfell plot this season. WE ARE NOT STUPID!

Is anyone else worried that Daenerys is just going to become pregnant and become a prop next season - like “We have to protect Jon’s child!”

What was the Tyrion business? Jealousy? Worry that Jon’s word will hold more weight now? 

“The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword” not followed by Sansa and Arya. Which was interesting to see given that Jon is clearly having troubles diverging from Ned’s honor code.

I don’t think it’s any surprise to you guys that this has been my least favorite season. D&D said at the beginning of all this “No good guys, no bad guys” and yet here we are with Team Jon Snow and Dany, Team Cersei, and Team White Walkers and Zombies. Thrones has become the very thing it was subverting - simplistic fantasy that has no internal logic and doesn’t follow the rules it has set up. The rumor is that next season will not come till 2019. And honestly, I’m okay with this. They need to take their time so we can all get the ending we deserve.

Thank you all for another (shortened) season. It’s been a blast, and I’ll see you all next time!

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VII: Episode 6 - The Enthralling Power of Complete Idiocy

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode below, so if you haven’t seen it and don’t know yet who dies, who fucks who, and how much of a fucking shitshow it was, turn back now. Also Ballers is coming back. Does anybody watch that?

BEYOND THE WALL

So in case you forgot, the Avengers are still trying to carry out this worst plan ever to bag a wight and show it to Cersei, even though she has never displayed any capability for rational thought. Also Tormund wants to fuck Gendry?

Basically the whole first half of this beyond the wall shit is like speed dating between the weirdest pairs of people. Like, first we have Gendry and The Dude, and Gendry’s just like -

But the Dude is all -

Then it’s J-Snow and Jorah, and like for some reason J-Snow chooses this moment - you know, the one where they’re about to stumble upon an entire zombie army - to be like, “Yo dude, my sword is your dad’s. You should have it.”

Jorah doesn’t take it though, which is good because they’re about to fight zombies. Also in this scene, there are a bunch of Redshirts, which I know, is like totally not a Game of Thrones thing, but there they are anyway.

WINTERFELL

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the newest staff writer at Game of Thrones, who penned all the scenes in Winterfell this week.

Because Arya, who went from -

to -

is now just full on -

And Sansa’s making like everybody who spent last week on Facebook trying to explain to people why gee I dunno WHITE SUPREMACISTS ARE WRONG, just like -

BEYOND THE WALL

More snow. More speed dating. This time with the Hound and Tormund, who’s like -

Then, the Hound uses the word “Dick”

And Tormund has, like, never heard it, he’s so used to using the word “cock” or something, and then D&D literally write this exchange.

Tormund: Dick? I like it. The Hound: I bet you do. Tormund: Nope. It’s pussy for me.

Finally, they come to the arrowhead mountain the Hound saw in the flames.

And The Dude is like, “Are you sure?” And I’m kinda like, “Wait a minute. Aren’t you the guy who’s supposed to know about the flames? Why is the Hound suddenly so wise to it all?”

DRAGONSTONE

P-Dinky (remember him? He used to be a character) is having a fireside chat with D-Baby. He’s basically trying to put Varys’ advice into effect.

But D-Baby just gets real paranoid.

It doesn’t go well.

BEYOND THE WALL

Meanwhile, the Avengers stumble into this total whiteout storm, and they see some like weird animal thing in the distance. It kinda looks like a polar bear until we just see it’s got the zombie eyes. And Gendry’s like, “Do bears have blue eyes?”

Anyway, the bear comes charging at all the Avengers and we’re like, “Oh my God, this is it! One of them is gonna fucking die right now!” But then it just like mauls a redshirt.

Naturally all the Avengers are freaked out. So they literally do this -

And then it’s just like BEAR ATTACK OH MY GOD IT TOTALLY GOT ONE OF OUR BOYS oh wait no it’s just another redshirt.

And then it’s just on. The Dude and Beric turn on their fire swords like -

And down goes somebody else WAS IT THE HOUND nope, redshirt. Finally, it does just fucking maul The Dude though like -

And you really just think it’s gonna go on forever until Jorah stabs it with like the tiniest knife and it... dies...? 

The Dude is fucked up, but instead of being like -

He’s like -

But he’s still alive, because he’s not a redshirt.

WINTERFELL

Sansa’s panicking like -

Until Littlefinger seems to say, “You should have Brienne kill her.” And Sansa seems weirdly chill with it, until she sends Brienne in her stead to King’s Landing immediately after.

BEYOND THE WALL

The Dude is walking again, because there are no consequences to anything anymore, not even getting mauled by a bear. So now’s as good a time as any for the Avengers to run into the zombies. But like just a few. Who are marching around like -

So naturally because they’re crazy, the Avengers just fucking attack. And Jorah’s getting choked, and Gendry’s like “Bang bang Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” until J-Snow is just like -

And this is the part where we learn that when you kill a White Walker, all the zombies that got turned by that dude just like shut down.

But for some reason there was like a rogue zombie chilling with this group? 

Like he got lost or maybe one of his best zombie friends got turned by this White Walker and he wanted to hang out with him? I dunno, but like - they need a zombie and he’s here.

And they’re trying to restrain it but it’s basically just being all -

Until they just cover its mouth and put a bag over its head. Like, I guess that works. But it doesn’t solve the problem of the giant AVALANCHE that’s coming! And then J-Snow tells Gendry to run back to Eastwatch to send a raven to Daenerys. And Gendry’s like, ‘I’m not going!” But J-Snow is like, “You’re the fastest.”

And then. The Avengers. Book it. Right into this like frozen lake arena which is just BEGGING to be the locale for a crazy action setpiece. And they’re like running over the ice, and the zombies are just like surrounding them. And meanwhile, J-Snow is running pretty fast. Like, I don’t know if Gendry can top this speed.

Oh, yeah, also another Redshirt dies. Like, so many Redshirts die that I’m running out of Redshirt GIFs. Luckily this Redshirt’s death triggers ALL the ice around the Avengers to break so the zombies can’t get to them.

Meanwhile, Gendry is RUNNING!

Like, he packed his Reeboks. 

Or like some time has passed. Who knows. It’s morning now and the zombies are just chilling waiting for the lake to freeze again. And the Avengers are in the middle like -

Honestly, there’s a moment where it kinda looks like the Hound was snuggling with J-Snow. But if he was feeling warm and fuzzy, that all goes away when he kicks the zombie they’ve captured and it makes all the other zombies go -

Also, there are SO MANY zombies surrounding them. Like there’s the main level and then there’s literally a mezzanine. Oh yeah, also The Dude is dead. So naturally Beric Dondarrion is like -

Except like, “I’m gonna burn your body, Jack. I’m gonna burn your body.” Anyway, things are looking pretty dire at this moment, and J-Snow is like, “Daenerys is our only chance.” To which Beric replies -

And he doesn’t mean Princess Leia either. He’s talking about killing the Night King, who I’m gonna start calling the Night Queen just because. So Her Majesty is perched on a mountain nearby just like -

While somebody is banging on a piano all -

DRAGONSTONE

D-Baby is once again not listening to P-Dinky, except this time she’s wearing a very fashion-forward white coat-dress-thing. 

BEYOND THE WALL

Speaking of not making good decisions, the Hound is stir-crazy and throwing rocks at the zombies. Which is all fun and games until the zombies realize that the lake is frozen and they can fucking attack. But instead of running they all kinda runway walk toward the Avengers like -

Which is good, because it means the Avengers can pick them off one by one. Which is what they do. Also, there’s a sick violin thing happening under this part. It’s actually going pretty well. Like, they only lose one more redshirt.

I’M OUT OF REDSHIRT GIFS.

Anyway, soon it gets out of hand and the zombies are swarming, at which point J-Snow yells, “FALL BACK!” And I’m kinda just like -

Also strike that. Two more redshirts. Anyway, it gets all too much and slow-mo and everyone seems like they’re gonna die, it’s very -

But then, of course, the dragons are here, and D-Baby is just wiping out zombies like -

And she starts loading everyone onto Drogon like he’s a fucking taxicab.

And it really seems like everyone’s gonna make it out alive, until The Night Queen is just like, “Bring me my fucking javelin.” And lemme tell you, that little amulet thing she’s wearing around her neck MUST be a gold medal from her track and field days because she’s just like -

and D-Baby’s crying and like fuck I’M CRYING and there’s just blood gushing everywhere like -

And the dragon’s all-

But there is NO time to be sad, because the Queen is loading another fucking javelin and J-Snow’s just like “GO!” Until he gets mauled and falls into the water. And D-Baby’s like, “I want that D but I don’t want my dragon to die!” So off she goes.

Guys. This episode still isn’t fucking over. Because the camera lingers on J-Snow’s sword and I totally thought it was just gonna cut to black, but he climbs out of the water.

And it totally seems like the zombies are gonna fuck him up, when suddenly somebody rides in on a horse waving a fire ball. And I’m literally just like, “At this point, it can be only one person.”

Beyonce.

It’s not. It’s Benjen, who gives J-Snow his horse and then goes to the zombies like -

WINTERFELL

Phew. Sansa is sneaking around in Arya’s room when she finds her sister’s stash of creepy face masks, because apparently Arya just keeps that under her bed. Also the one face def looks like a Trump mask.

Anyway, Arya’s acting like a total creep being like, “These are my faces. I went to drama school and now -”

It’s too goddamn much.

DAENERYS’ SHIP

Forgive me, but it did feel like there was legit sexual tension between J-Snow and D-Baby in this scene. So much so that J-Snow calls her “Dany.”

If we remember, that’s what her rapey creep brother used to call her, so you know - par for the course for weird incest relationship we’re all actively rooting for. 

BEYOND THE WALL

The White Walker somehow got a bunch of chains (we’re really just pulling shit out of our asses now) and are heaving like -

And out comes the dragon. And the Night Queen just struts toward it like -

Like truly. She takes her time. And she lays her hand on the dragon like -

And sure enough, we linger on the dragon’s eye.

And we linger.

And we linger.

Until it’s just like -

Except it’ blue. Because it’s a zombie now, get it?

BODY COUNT: 9 (RIP White Walker Lieutenant, The Dude, the Dragon - was it Viserion? and 6 Redshirts) BOOB COUNT: None (is it time to retire this?) EPISODE GRADE: C+

SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS

If somebody mentions bending the knee one more time, my head will explode.

This episode just really felt like Thrones going completely off the rails on every level. They have no time to make sense of all the plot developments that are happening, so we’re just getting random events trotted out that feel artificial. There is a world where Arya becoming a mistrusting vengeful person makes sense, but the jump was so drastic. It felt like Arya became an entirely different character overnight.

In all the chaos, I totally forgot that Cleganebowl could totally still be on.

The Daenerys scene is once more setting up the inevitable splitting of Tyrion and her. I think this has been handled pretty well, although what do we think about Tyrion making so many poor decisions? Back in Season 2, he was so slick with every plan and now he’s made several (including the one about trying to meet with Cersei) that seem unfounded in any logic, particularly when he’s the most logical of the characters.

D&D have pointed out in interviews the circle-like patterns the White Walkers make throughout the series. The overhead shot of the Avengers standoff with the polar bear = a continuation of this circle motif.

“I just got bit by a dead bear.” Same, dude. Same.

Sansa says, “Jon is not here. I haven’t heard from him in weeks.” That seems like a dick move, Jon.

“You’re faster without the hammer,” says Tormund. As if he’s seen him run both with and without the hammer. Did I miss an episode where Gendry is like an incredible long distance runner?

Confused as to why Sansa is being summoned to King’s Landing. Isn’t this just about presenting the wight to Cersei? What does Sansa have to do with this?

Regarding Pod, “He has become a competent swordsman.” False.

All this said, it does seem like Sansa has a trick up her sleeve. 

I’m also confused about killing the wights. I thought they had to burn to die, but it seemed like sword wounds and shit did them in this week. Can anyone confirm?

The dragon death did hit me, but do we know which dragon it was? The Internet says Viserion, but D&D don’t seem to even know in their after-episode interview. They just keep calling it “the dragon.”

The javelin thing was ridiculous. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it.

Yes, the Arya scene was crazy. But her offering the knife to Sansa - that’s gotta mean something, yeah?

Where’s Bran? Where’s Theon? Where’s Euron? Where’s Grey Worm? WTF is going to happen next week?

What is the show trying to make us feel with this Daenerys-Jon Snow love story? She’s his aunt, and we know this, but we want it (hell, I even want it). I feel like it’d be interesting to subvert our rooting for this, since we are always grossed out by Jaime and Cersei. Or maybe I’m looking for nuance where there isn’t any. It feels weird regardless.

So it seems like the dragon will help them bring down the Wall next episode. If that’s true, I wonder how it would be if we didn’t see its resurrection.

What did you guys think of this episode? As you can tell from the title, I was enthralled while watching it, but looking back feel like nothing that happened makes any sense at all. The Game of Thrones world has always been one subverting conventional fantasy tropes, i.e. the heroes cornered by the zombies in the middle of a frozen lake don’t heroically escape, they die. And as for that javelin, it exists solely because D&D needed the Night King to take down a dragon. 

Basically if you watched the first episode of Game of Thrones and then you watched this one, you’d think you were watching two completely different shows.

NEXT WEEK: Barack is back, Sansa makes some sort of decision, and literally every major character meets in King’s Landing.

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VII: Episode 5 - Let’s Do the Time Warp Again

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode below, so if you haven’t seen it and don’t know yet who dies, who fucks who, and who finally stopped rowing, turn back now.

THE ROAD TO KING’S LANDING

So right from the get-go, we have Bronn and Jaime popping up like -

And Bronn’s pretty much just like -

But most importantly, the man who was sinking to the bottom of the river at the end of last episode swam to safety with full armor and a golden hand!

But if you want logic, look elsewhere because D&D spent an entire episode last season with Arya doing parkour and now THEY HAVE NO TIME!!!

P-Dinky is the only one looking for Jaime, which seems crazy considering he was like the general of the Lannister army and seems like an important enemy, but whatever. And honestly, maybe P-Dinky’s not even looking for him, he could totally just be like -

Anyway, it matters not because the Dothraki are marching all the Lannisters to D-Baby like -

except at the top of the rock is a giant hungry dragon and a crazy lady who’s like “I’m not here to murder you” when just a few hours ago she was like -

She’s predictably giving her same old “Bend the knee or die” spiel, and some people bend the knee but then the dragon’s like -

and totally torches Daddy Tarly and Dickface.

and then all the non-believers are like -

KING’S LANDING

Jaime used the teleportation device and struts into Cersei’s room looking like he just did a full day of Tough Mudder. And Cersei’s like, “Don’t worry bro, we’re gonna beat her.” But Jaime’s, like, “Shut your mouth. Pack your bags.

DRAGONSTONE

D-Baby is back on her dragon, which is charging full fucking speed at J-Snow like -

But J-Snow just whips out his inner Caesar Milan like -

and Drogon's instantly like -

And lemme tell you, D-Baby slides off that dragon like -

#MustLoveDragons.

By the way, did you know that D-Baby thinks of her dragons as her children?

D&D just wanted to drop that little nugget in there one more time before Jorah Mormont pops up like -

And suddenly Dragonstone just got a lot like -

I’m Team Jorah. Always.

Somewhere in here there’s also a scene with Varys where’s he’s basically just like -

WINTERFELL

Bran’s taking a break from reciting Jaden Smith tweets to summon all the Winterfell ravens like -

and they’re flying for a long time. And they’re just kinda like, Snow. Wall. Then boom. White Walkers.

And Bran’s spying and it’s totally going well until the fucking Night King is just like -

OLDTOWN

But Bran does send a raven to Oldtown, which of course causes MORE heartbreaking conflict between Sam and National Treasure Jim Motherfucking Broadbent. And more importantly, more Harry Potter references. Because Sam is basically like, “Be brave, Professor. Be brave like my mother.” And you can tell NTJMFB wants to just be like -

But alas, he’d be rocking the boat of the other maesters too much.

So Sam runs to the Restricted Section, he grabs a bunch of scrolls and shit, he takes Gilly, he takes Little Baby Boyhood and he’s just like -

DRAGONSTONE

J-Snow also gets a raven, and at first he’s like, “OMG Bran’s alive!” OMG ARYA’S alive!” And we think J-Snow may actually have to deal with legit emotions, but then he’s just like, “Winter is coming.”

So P-Dinky comes up with a plan to do a private screening of An Inconvenient Truth for Cersei in the form of J-Snow and Jorah... going to capture... a wight? And like... bringing it to her... to show her...???

KING’S LANDING

Part of the above plan is that Davos will smuggle P-Dinky into King’s Landing to meet with Jaime so they can get the audience for the screening. So they use the teleportation device to get there in no time flat, of course. And the bro reunion goes about as awkwardly as imagined.

Meanwhile, Davos is like, “I have business in Fleabottom. And we’re all like -

Sure enough it’s Him...

But of course D&D ruin the moment real quick by having Davos literally say, “Wasn’t sure I’d find you. Thought you might still be rowing.”

In actuality, he does have a point; you’d expect his arms to be a LITTLE bigger.

But really, he hasn’t been rowing all that time. He’s been forging shit, but all the while like -

So he’s like, “Fuck this. I’m ready,” and he takes out this giant hammer that literally looks like an inflatable toy I had when I was a child. Except it super fucks up these two Monty Python guards when Davos fails to distract them with a Viagra pitch.

Jaime brings the Al Gore news to Cersei, who’s suddenly open to it.

And she’s got some more news as well -

DRAGONSTONE

Gendry and Davos are fucking back, and truly someone is gonna open up a fucking alternate dimension with all this time-hopping, MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULDN’T HAVE SPENT SO MUCH DAMN TIME WITH PODRICK SLAYING VADGE IN KING’S LANDING BACK IN SEASON THREE!!! But more importantly J-Snow meets Gendry and he’s like, “You look leaner.” And Gendry’s like, “You look shorter.”

WINTERFELL

So remember how last week Arya was like -

Yeah, now she’s like -

Because conflict. So later on when Littlefinger is being Littlefinger and creeping around, Arya’s sneaking around after him like-

Like, girl. You trained with Faceless Assassins for TWO FUCKING SEASONS. This is the best you can do?!?

Anyway, Littlefinger totally knows what she’s doing, because she’s literally just hiding behind pillars.

So he leaves something for her in the form of the letter the Small Council made Sansa write to Robb in Season 1 begging him to bend the knee. In other words, it’s gonna fuel Arya’s newfound suspicion of her sister. Naturally, Littlefinger is pleased.

EASTWATCH

Our last fucking stop on our whirlwind tour of Westeros this week is Eastwatch, which for being the title of the episode is a very brief stop. We’ve got all the dudes here - J-Snow, Jorah, Gendry, and Davos meeting with Tormund, who’s really hung up on Brienne.

They team up with even more dudes when Tormund reveals he’s imprisoned Beric Dondarrion, The Hound, and The Dude. So they’re gonna join in on this wight expedition.

And then they’re off. Beyond the wall. And from there, it’s a Michael Bay wet dream.

BODY COUNT: 4 (RIP Daddy Tarly and Dickface) BOOB COUNT: None EPISODE GRADE: B

SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS

Nobody says “Cunt” like Bronn.

Right from the get-go, there’s a curve-ball with the War of the Two Queens - we all kinda figured this season would end with an all-out brawl between Cersei and Daenerys, right? Now that seems unlikely, at least in a militaristic sense.

Daenerys is turning evil clue: Just last week she was all, “I’m a ruler because people chose me,” but now she’s forcing people to bend the knee out of fear. That said, I expected more to be done with Tyrion’s feeling icky about the whole situation. It felt like we were being set up for more conflict there that vanished around the halfway point of the episode.

Daenerys doesn’t know Jon is a Targaryen, so her driving Drogon straight at him is pretty crazy. I mean, we gotta believe if he hadn’t dog-whispered it it would have eaten him, right? What the fuck was her move there?

We’ve only seen three people interact with dragons as Jon did this episode. He did it, Daenerys has done it, and Tyrion. There’s been a long-standing book theory that Tyrion is a Targaryen. And the dragon does have three heads.

The whole wight thing seems really stupid, right?

And another stupid thing: the key to Jon’s parentage randomly hiding in a book in Oldtown. But cleverly done, I think, with Sam ignoring it. So you gotta figure both Bran and he are needed to reveal the truth to Jon - Bran knows that he’s not a bastard - that he’s a Targaryen, and Sam (with Gilly’s info) will know that Rhaegar didn’t abduct and rape Lyanna - it was a consensual love affair.

Sansa will be queen theory proof: Once again being the one person thinking about the realm and the future as opposed to what will be best for the moment at hand.

I loved pretty much everything about Gendry’s re-entrance - the Jon-him dynamic mirroring their fathers’ most of all. And I’m amending my Sansa is queen at the end, Tyrion is her hand, to adding Gendry on as Sansa’s king. It would be the Baratheon-Stark marriage that was meant all along, plus a Lannister (possibly Targaryen) on the side.

This pregnancy news is crazy after I brought up her possibly dying in childbirth last week. Do we believe it? It’s a huge power play on Jaime regardless of its legitimacy.

Where’s Theon?

Where’s Uncle Freddie Mercury?

Where’s Barack? Isn’t Michelle worried?

All right, so we gotta figure there will be some casualties in the North during what seems destined to be another big money episode. I’m calling J-Snow safe, same with Gendry or else why bring him back? Anyone else could go, although Beric or Thoros wouldn’t sting much. But Tormund, Davos, or Jorah going might be happening...

NEXT WEEK: Hardhome: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VII: Episode 4 - Blazing Saddles

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode below, so if you haven’t seen it and don’t know yet who dies, who fucks who, and how many times J-Snow reminds us he’s seen the Night King, turn back now.

THE ROAD FROM HIGHGARDEN

When one quip-meister dies, another returns; Bronn is back, even though his dialogue is now just mainly variations on the words “fuck” and “cunt.” Regardless, he’s here and he is NOT happy with the lil’ ol’ bag o’ gold Jaime gave him from the Highgarden loot.

Anyway, basically what’s happening is the Lannisters are taking all the food in the Reach (I know, I know, it seems like a process but Sam’s Dad and his son Dickbag or whatever assure us that they “have teams of men working on this”). And they’re all gonna Oregon Trail it back to King’s Landing and try not to get dysentery or cholera.

KING’S LANDING

Mycroft is back. And he is mincing.

Basically, he’s like, “Blah Blah Blah Braavos blah blah blah bitch betta have my money.” And Cersei’s just like -

WINTERFELL

If there was any doubt we need to talk about Bran after last week, it is now gone. Because he turned FULLY into that kid in high school who watched Fight Club, listened to Radiohead, and unlocked all the secrets of the universe. In short, as the “Previously on” segment reminds us, he’s gone from this -

to this -

At this moment, Littlefinger somehow cornered him alone in a room and is giving him the dagger way back from Season 1 like -

But Bran’s just like -

Until Littlefinger is like, “It must be so hard, beebee, to come back from abroad to all this chaos.” And Bran looks him straight in the face and says -

And Littlefinger is all -

Anyway, Meera shows up. And apparently she’s leaving. So she’s all crying and bummed out like, “Oh my God, Bran, I’m gonna miss you so much.” And he’s literally just like -

So she gets pissed. Rightfully fucking so. But she’s like crying and yelling at him like -

But Bran’s just like -

CUT TO OUTSIDE WINTERFELL where our favorite little sociopath Arya is HERE.

But we can’t get too excited because these two fucking dumbasses won’t let her into the castle. She’s like, “Listen fuckers, I’m Arya” and they’re just like, “All right, sit here and wait” and then they start arguing like -

But they don’t know she’s a ninja so they’re shocked when they turn around and she’s disappeared into the crypts, where Sansa finds her and it’s just like -

And when they finally hug, there’s no like crazy orchestra swell or anything, it’s just this like lovely perfect moment of reunion and we’re all just like -

Except like, wouldn’t it be nice if they could just like sit down and talk about like, “Hey, what’s up? You look good, it’s been so long.” “I heard you married Tyrion.” “I heard you saw our brother’s head decapitated and replaced by a wolf.” But instead Arya like whips out her “I have a kill list card” right away and Sansa’s like -

and Arya’s like -

She does brighten up when she finds out Bran is home too, but Sansa’s just like -

But like, whatever, Arya still hugs it out with him and she’s like all emotional and crying while he’s staring at Sansa like -

Bran’s a little less creepy about his Raven Symone abilities with Arya, because he’s like, “You should have this dagger Littlefinger randomly gave me.” And Arya’s like, “Thanks, because I actually totally do have a kill-list.” And Sansa’s just like -

DRAGONSTONE

D-Baby and Michelle are talking about Barack like -

When J-Snow pops up and is like, “I wanna show you something.”

Turns out it’s just all the dragonglass. Which comes with a new musical theme which is two notes away from Jurassic Park.

Anyway, then he wants to show her something else -

But once again, it’s not his dick. It’s a bunch of cave paintings about how the Children of the Forest and the First Men bonded together to fight the White Walkers that J-Snow may or may not have made himself like ten minutes ago.

Well, at this point D-Baby is a swamp. And she and J-Snow keep getting closer and closer until finally you think she’s gonna finally just be like -

But instead she’s like, “Bend the knee.” Again. Except I think we all know before the end of this season she’s gonna be the one bending the knee, KNOWHAMSAYIN??

But I digress. P-Dinky is back, and he’s brought bad news. So instantly D-Baby is like -

To be continued...

WINTERFELL

... Because Brienne is still training Pod three seasons later and he still fucking blows. Like truly no progress... when Arya shows up and is like -

And Brienne’s just like -

And of course Sansa’s walking by with Littlefinger like, “Peas and carrots, peas and carrots, gotta have more grain.” So she sees Arya turning it on like -

Brienne’s like -

Sansa’s like -

And Littlefinger’s just like -

DRAGONSTONE

Davos is picking up Stannis’ grammar Nazi schtick.

And also being a total flirtstress with Michelle.

SHE IS TAKEN!!!  When suddenly, Theon pops up on shore.

Theon tries to play it off like, “Oh bro it’s so good to see you.” And J-Snow can’t kill him because he saved Sansa. So now Theon is just trying to get ships to save his sister, I guess. Except D-Baby is gone.

THE ROAD FROM HIGHGARDEN

The Oregon Trail continues, and we learn once again that Dickbag’s name is Dickbag. Presumably so Bronn can say what we’re all thinking.

But the dick jokes get cut short when Bronn hears something in the distance.

Indeed, there’s belting from afar that sounds like a mixture of Xena Warrior Princess and a Pink Floyd album. It’s the fucking Dothraki. And they’re all like -

And Jaime’s just like -

And the Lannisters are like trying to be chill and Jaime’s all -

But then. A massive roar from above. And from down on high - in one of the most chill-inducing moments in Thrones history - comes D-Baby looking like a fucking queen. And before Jaime can even be like -

D-Baby’s like, “Dracarys.”

Like boom goes the whole fucking Oregon Trail. And everyone’s on fire like -

But there’s NO TIME TO CHILL because the Dothraki come in like -

And then, it’s just crazy, just like blood, horses, belting, and D-Baby’s just FUCKING up the Oregon Trail like -

But Jaime is still going, like, “We just need arrows.” And so they try that with the dragon but of course he’s just like -

So, okay, Jaime sends Bronn to go get the big crossbow Dr. Frankenstein made, but then Jaime totally almost gets killed by this Dothraki dude and we’re all like -

But it’s okay, because Dickbag saves him! And Jaime’s like, “Thanks, Dickbag.”

But things don’t look so hot for Bronn who’s charging at this other Dothraki dude like -

but the Dothraki dude totally fucks his horse up like -

And then we really think it’s all over, because Bronn’s gold goes everywhere and it really seems like maybe he’ll try and get it and die doing so, but then he’s like, “Jaime -

And he bolts away from the gold, running through everyone like -

And Dothraki Dude finally corners him in what seems like a tent but GUESS WHAT? IT’S NOT A TENT it’s totally where the big crossbow thing is. And Dothraki Dude is like -

But Bronn is all -

And he’s all crossbow out, wind whipping through his hair, like trying to find the fucking dragon who has completely demolished the entirety of the Oregon Trail, as we see from P-Dinky’s point of view, because apparently he’s there watching. And the Dothraki Dude with him is like -

But I digress. Bronn is trying to hit the dragon but he misses and D-Baby’s just like -

So Bronn tries again. And let me tell you, for all the shit I gave this stupid fucking crossbow thing in this moment, I was like, “Well actually who knows where he’s gonna hit it? This might actually kill this thing!” 

And lo and behold, it hits him, and Drogon’s like -

And Bronn’s smiling. And D-Baby’s devastated. And we’re all just like, “I DON’T KNOW WHO TO ROOT FOR!” But lo. Drogon is not dead. And to prove it, he fucks up Dr. Frankenstein’s crossbow, just like -

And then D-Baby parks herself in the middle of the battlefield to perform impromptu spear removal on her baby. Jaime sees this and he’s like -

And P-Dinky is literally like -

And we’re all just like -

And he’s about to spear D-Baby. But without her even saying “Dracarys,” Drogon turns around like -

When somebody (Bronn?) dives out of nowhere and pushes Jaime out of the way, into water, where he’s just like -

BOOB COUNT: None BODY COUNT: Lots EPISODE GRADE: A

SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS

The Gold Company is brought up in the scene between the Iron Bank dude and Cersei. I know that these guys are in the fifth book and that they have something to do with the other Targaryen boy, but somebody may have to remind me more. My initial thought here though was perhaps Daario and the Second Sons will become hired by Cersei? I thought Daario was done, but maybe not?

The History of the Dagger: Somebody was sent to kill Bran in Season 1 with said dagger, but the attempt was botched and Catelyn took the knife to King’s Landing to investigate. Littlefinger revealed that it once belonged to him, but then went to Tyrion when he won it in a bet (this has been confirmed as a lie). From then, it fell into Ned’s hands and the last we saw it was with him (presumably Littlefinger had taken it after betraying him). Although Littlefinger is right that this knife ignited the War of the Five Kings, we still don’t know who sent the assassin in the first place. In the books, around Joffrey’s wedding both Jaime and Tyrion heavily suspect Joffrey hired him because he heard that Bran knew the truth about his parentage, but this is never confirmed either way and has always seemed a bit shaky.

Member Maester Luwin? Literally the best.

Arya asks, “Which Lady Stark?” Bitch, who else?

The moment with Brienne “keeping her vow” was actually pretty cool. She really barely did anything.

I don’t know if you know, but Jon saw the Night King.

Where on earth is Theon’s story going?

A very similar structure to my favorite episode, “Hardhome,” in that nobody saw that battle coming. But this really seemed to me the first battle since “Blackwater” where we were invested in both sides. There was a severe anxiety to not wanting any of the major characters to die. While it lacked the cinematic might of “Battle of the Bastards,” it was far more engaging on a character level.

Hiroshima-esque imagery cannot be good for where D-Baby is headed. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Varys and P-Dinky jump ship soon.

NEXT WEEK: Ravens, more dragons, and Varys is pissed.

Thank you for your time.

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VI: Episode 3 - Slay Queen

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode below, so if you haven’t seen it and don’t know yet who dies, who fucks who, and how many costume changes Varys has, turn back now.

We begin July with a stop at my corner fire hydrant...

DRAGONSTONE

Remember back in Season 2 when everyone was like, “Wait a minute, how did Littlefinger get from King’s Landing to Renly’s camp to Highgarden in like an episode?” Well, everybody seems to have taken a hit of Littlefinger’s magic fairy dust because now they’re all fucking warping all over the goddamn place. Starting with J-Snow, who’s like -

and washes up on the shores of Dragonstone right from the get-go. And P-Dinky’s there like -

And J-Snow’s all -

While Michelle is just like -

Anyway, she makes the Dothraki strip-search J-Snow and co. and then she’s like -

But she keeps getting interrupted by Davos, who’s like, “Where ya from, girl? I couldn’t place your ACCENT.” Even though literally everyone on this show is like -

P-Dinky and J-Snow are catching up, giving recaps of their seasons since the show overtook the books and P-Dinky is like, “To be honest, I was drunk for most of it.” And D&D are like -

CUE THE DRAGONS, because remember? She has dragons. And they’re all like ROAAAAAR FLYING OVER HEAD and J-Snow is all, “NAZGUUUUUUULLL!!” But Michelle and P-Dinky are just like -

Cut to Melisandre creeping from above. Ya know, as she does. When she’s joined by Varys who’s using his newly-found confidence from his off-season Jenny Craig diet to rock this tight-fitting number that’s equal parts SS officer and... you guessed it...

They’re basically like, “You’re up to shit,” “No, YOU’RE up to shit” when Melisandre is like, “I think I’m gonna peace. See the world and all that. Oh and by the way, you’re totally gonna die.”

So we come to the moment we’ve all been waiting all our lives for - when D-Baby meets J-Snow. And it’s, like, fine. Michelle is like, “Paramount Pictures presents: Studio Canal’s presentation of a Fox Searchlight production, a film by Martin Scorsese, James Cameron’s Daenerys Targaryen.” And Jon is like -

Basically D-Baby’s like -

But he’s like -

It doesn’t go well. But at some point, Varys does run in like -

Later on, J-Snow is staring off a cliff like a Britney Spears music video when P-Dinky saunters over and is like, “I came here to brood. But I don’t brood as well as you.”

Basically, he wants to help. But J-Snow is being all -

And D-Baby literally can’t remember any of her lines except for -

so P-Dinky has to totally Dick Cheney the both of them into playing nice. After which D-Baby even seems like she’s kinda -

Again, she’s his aunt. Never forget.

KING’S LANDING

Uncle Freddie Mercury is PARADING through the streets like -

and everyone is so totally stoked to see him like, “Hosanna, heysanna, sanna sanna ho sanna hey sanna ho and -”

Because the surviving Sand Snakes are being dragged around and the crowd is basically the Internet. Like, at some point there’s literally a man yelling “YOU’RE THE WORST! THE WORST!” 

Anyway, he plops them down to Cersei, who’s instantly like -

Like, so much so that Uncle Freddie is already asking sex tips from Jaime (I believe he mentions butt play). Jaime, of course, is all -

Cut to Cersei wearing the loudest lipstick you’ve ever seen.

She’s rehearsing her Emmy submission monologue for Mama and The One Who Showed Her Boobs. And we’re all like, “Aight Cersei, enough talk, we all know you’re just gonna have Frankenmountain smash their heads in and rape them, right?”

But then Cersei’s just like so fucking turned on that she goes to The One Who Showed Her Boobs and is like -

And we’re all like -

But then we get it, ‘cause it’s poison. Except guess what? D&D don’t let us see The One Who Showed Her Boobs or Mama die. 

Oh, no. They’re going to keep Mama alive. So that at any moment... if we give them too much shit... they can bring... her... BACK.

At this point Cersei is wetter than a whore sweatin’ in church, so she goes to Jaime and she’s like -

And let’s just say it might look like Jaime’s the one who likes the finger up the bum, knowhamsayin? 

Anyway, they wake up the next morning (or something, time doesn’t matter anymore on this show), and Jaime’s like, “No one can see us.” But Cersei’s just like -

WINTERFELL

Meanwhile, Sansa is running around like -

and Littlefinger’s wandering around like the kid who can’t find a table to sit at in the cafeteria, being like -

And then he starts giving her like the most anti-Buddhist message of all time, like “Be stressed always.” At one point he literally says, “Everything that happens will be something you’ve seen before.” And I’m like...

But there’s no time for nostalgia, because somebody is at the gate! And we’re all like - OHMIGOD IT’S DEF ARYA, HERE WE GO! ...

It’s Bran.

Still, Sansa is like -

But Bran is just like -

Like seriously, Sansa is just trying to be all, “Sooo... how are thiiiings?” And Bran’s just like, “You had a really nice dress on the night you were raped.”

So of course, she’s like -

And he’s like, “K. I’m gonna stay by this tree, I guess.”

OLDTOWN

National Treasure Jim Motherfucking Broadbent is inspecting Daddy Mormont, who’s just like -

NTJMFB lets Daddy go, and Daddy EVEN GETS A NEW SHIRT. Seriously, he’s been wearing that yellow one since Season 1. But Sam is NOT out of the clear, because NTJMFB pulls him aside like -

And even though we’re still kinda like, “Wait. All Sam did was read the instructions and follow them and in all the history of Westeros no one at this super smart maester academy has EVER thought to do that?!?” Even though we’re still kinda like that, we really think NTJMFB is gonna expel Sam. When suddenly he’s like -

So then we think he’s gonna turn around and suddenly be like -

But instead he’s just like, “I need a shit-ton of copies.”

CASTERLY ROCK

P-Dinky’s monologue-ing as the Unsullied march on the Rock and he keeps talking about how it’s “impregnable,” but that somebody once told him when something’s “impregnable,” “impregnate the bitch.” And I’m like, “Whoever told you that (probably D&D) needs to wash their mouth out NOW, OKAY?!?”

Anyway, Barack’s there like -

And I’m like, “This is the end, my only friend - the end.” But lo, Barack sneaks in through P-Dinky’s whore tunnels and surprises everyone. And P-Dinky’s making us think they’re outnumbered, but Grey Worm is just like -

and lemme tell ya, he’s making. It. Work. He’s just like BAM KILLING BAM BAM but then he’s like, “Wait we killed everyone.”

HIGHGARDEN

All it takes is for me to see Jaime and the massive Lannister army marching while D-Rigg watches from her tower to be like -

Jaime takes the castle. Like really easily. Like too easily.

But whatever. Because all that matters now is D-Rigg. And lemme tell ya, she’s not leaving without one last bid for that Emmy.

First she’s ripping on him, him saying there’s always lessons in failures, and her being like, “Then you must be very wise.”

And then she’s like, “Hmm that’s a nice fucking sword you got there. Whose was that, your CUNT SON?!?”

And then she gets fucking real. She’s like, “Y’know Cersei?”

“And not only that... but she’ll be the end of you...”

So then, Jaime’s had enough, he’s like, “Drink your poison and be done.” And D-Rigg being D-Rigg, she doesn’t miss a beat, she’s just like -

And then. With one foot out of this life and one in the next, she’s like, “Oh yeah... I almost forgot to mention... 

I killed your son.”

“And I want Cersei to know.”

BODY COUNT: 2, plus loads of Lannisters, Unsullied, and Highgarden troops (RIP The One Who Showed Her Boobs and... of course... D-Rigg) BOOB COUNT: 1 pair EPISODE GRADE: B+

SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS

Friendly reminder there are only TEN episodes left of Game of Thrones.

Melisandre says, “I’ve done what I set out to do. I’ve brought ice and fire together.” But she’s never really spoken of the war in the North in those terms before, has she?

Do we think she’ll be back this season? I would say she’s gonna need some time to go to Volantis and back, but she can probably get there in 5 minutes with these new warp capabilities.

And while we’re on the subject, the show’s depiction of time has ventured beyond forgivable into problematic. At a certain point around Season 5 it became clear that each story thread was operating under its own time rules; we’d jump forward to not see Jon travel from Hardhome and back, but the other storylines weren’t necessarily running exactly concurrent to his. However, now this is becoming a problem because everything is converging again. So if Jon can make it to Dragonstone in an episode, and if Jaime and Cersei hear the news of the Freys’ death in Episode 1 mere minutes after we’ve seen Arya kill them all, then it doesn’t really make sense that it would take Arya 4 episodes to find out that the Starks have Winterfell again. It’s refreshing to see the show moving quicker, but it also means that D&D can bend time to suit the needs of their plot, which is frustrating given the realism George brought to this world. On rewatch, this is going to be a very top-heavy series. The War of the Five Kings lasted three seasons, but Daenerys has gained and lost a whole host of allies in 3 episodes.

I don’t know why I actually expected Daenerys meeting Jon Snow to be this electric moment when Emilia Clarke and Kit Harington have been the least-nuanced performers of the cast for a long time (I think you could make the case they’re two of the least-nuanced leading actors on a highly-regarded prestige drama in history). Still, it was nice to see director Mark Mylod delay having the both of them in the same shot until the end of her speechifying.

Re: “I am the last Targaren, Jon Snow,” so those who have read the books know that there is this other Aegon Targaryen character who’s either legit or a fraud. Is J-Snow the real Aegon? I guess this matters more in the book, he would delegitimize the fake one, but he must have a Targaryen name right? He’s surely not Jon Targaryen.

D&D love their torture scenes, but the one with Cersei and Ellaria was interesting simply because the victims were just as ruthless as the torturer. I even found a small amount of empathy for Ellaria and Whatever Sand Snake That Is. And kudos to Ramin for that chilling reprise of Cersei’s end of Season 6 theme.

 Did we catch Jaime saying, “No,” as Cersei went in for him before their sex scene? Very frisky, D&D.

This was a much-needed solid Tyrion episode, although all of his plans from the last episode epic-failed. I look forward to the fallout. I’m ready for him to split with Daenerys already.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Sansa will be the queen at the end of all this.

Bran can see everything... except how to explain what being the Three-Eyed Raven means.

Although to be fair, I guess his speed-sync from last season before Max von Sydow died has left him with a fragmented manifestation of his capabilities.

Daenerys’ possessiveness of her dragons is being played up more than usual this season. Expect casualties.

If the Lannister feint seems familiar, that’s because it’s the same tactic Robb used in Season 1, leaving fewer troops to die against Tywin Lannister while leading the bulk of his men to kidnap Jaime. At first, I thought this was lazy writing. But it’s actually a really cool “Jaime learned his lesson” callback.

Oh, wait, there’s literally a line about this. My bad, I forgot D&D don’t trust us to figure things out for ourselves.

The Highgarden attack? Was it un-manned? Or was this just a case of they didn’t have the money to show a full-on battle here?

A note on Diana Rigg - truly one of the greatest assets of this show, and what an exit. Both D&D and her were so locked into that character - everything she said felt right and true. She will be missed. And hopefully Emmy awarded.

NEXT WEEK: D-Baby is done with clever plans, Theon with a boat, and dragons?!? I forgot she had those!!!

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VII: Episode 2 - A Foreign Invasion is Underway

Guys. Sam's acne treatment. The fury of Freddie Mercury. BARACK. AND MICHELLE. Y'all stepped it up. Let's talk about it.

DRAGONSTONE

Lightning. Thunder. And then, in the uppermost window of Dragonstone - THERE’S A LIGHT.

It’s D-Baby. She’s doing her usual thing of staring moodily out of windows of castles which she’s decided to post up in instead of, you know, TAKING THE THRONE. But then P-Dinky is like, “We’re not gonna stay here long.” And we’re all like -

But before she ducks outta here, she turns to Varys and does a dramatic recitation of his Wikipedia page and opens up the library on him without mercy.

Luckily, he passes the test with flying colors and receives a full fucking pardon when he’s like, “I listened to Robert. I listened to your daddy. But you’re the voice of the people, so ya know what -?”

There is no time for revels though, because Melisandre has warped back here and is notable for being the only lady who didn’t get the memo about wearing black this season.

Anyway, she starts spewing her usual “Prince That Was Promised” shit. And D-Baby’s like, “But I’m not a prince!” And Michelle is all, “WELL TECHNICALLY, IT’S A BAD TRANSLATION THAT ACTUALLY MEANS ‘PRINCE’ OR ‘PRINCESS...’”

And we’re all like...

While at the same time being like, “Like, what is gender, amiright?”

#TheRealPrinceThatWasPromised

WINTERFELL

So Melisandre’s told D-Baby and co. about J-Snow, and they’ve dispatched a raven summoning him. But Sansa smells fish and is like -

But we’re all at home like -

And meanwhile Davos is still like -

KING’S LANDING

Cersei’s with a bunch of Tyrell bannermen giving a really inspirational speech about how they shouldn’t back D-Baby that basically boils down to -

And they’re all like, “Yeah but dragons.” And Maester Frankenstein is just like, “Don’t worry guys...

And we’re all like, “Ohmigod I wonder what it is!!!!” And he takes Cersei down to the dragon lair to show her and we’re like, “Ohmigod we’re gonna find out this episode!” and then he whips the cloth off it and it’s A... giant... crossbow...

And at first I’m like, “Well, now wait a second. Maybe crossbows don’t exist yet in this world.”

Aight, N.V.M.

OLDTOWN

One time I went on a 7 hour kayaking trip and didn’t bring sunscreen to reapply. There were blisters. There was pus. And yet it was not one percent as bad as what has happened to poor Daddy Mormont, who basically looks like this -

Sam thinks he can cure him, but National Treasure Jim Motherfucking Broadbent is like, “You know not the ways.” Even though Sam has clearly risen up the ranks so much that NTJMB and he are already like -

NTJMB is even asking Sam for thoughts on his new book about the last six seasons of the TV show we’ve been watching. And Sam’s like, “I don’t like the title.” And NTJMB is like, “What would you rather call it?” And we’re all thinking -

And he doesn’t. Yet. Instead he goes to Daddy Mormont and he’s like -

Except less chill because he’s got a paint chipper, some rum, a hope and a prayer.

What follows is the grossest Thrones scene since Grand Maester Pycelle farted last year. Because Sam’s gotta get all this shit off Daddy Mormont by morning, but Daddy Mormont can’t scream. And there’s A LOT OF THIS SHIT ON HIM. So it basically is a combination of -

and -

DRAGONSTONE

The gang’s all here and they’re all pissed at D-Baby. Yara’s like, “We gotta attack NOW!” Mama Sand is starting a #NeverLannister movement, and D-Rigg is just like, “Hey, member Margaery?”

And then P-Dinky - remember him? He used to be the best character? - actually gets to talk and he’s like, going on about how Cersei is going to win banner-men over by appealing to their nationalism.

So in honor of Made in America week, he’s not outsourcing their plan to attack the cities around King’s Landing. Until he gets to his own home city and he’s like, “Dothraki and Unsullied, you dudes are taking Casterly Rock.”

Everybody’s V impressed at his sacrifice but also that D&D actually fucking let him drive a scene, so they’re all like -

Except D-Rigg still seems a little huffy, so she and D-Baby have a private conversation where D-Rigg is basically like, “You’re standing strong and tall. You’re the bravest of them all. If on courage you must call, then just keep on tryin’ and tryin’ and TRYIN’. Be a lion.”

And D-Baby’s just like -

And then. My dear dear friends. It’s just Barack. And Michelle. Alone. Barack’s headed out, Michelle is staying behind. It’s now or never.

And Barack just starts on his usual -

But Michelle is not having it. She’s like, “THIS is the moment.” 

And then she’s like -

And then she fucking just goes for his pants but he’s like, “Stop.”

And she’s like, “Yo, lemme at that D.” But he’s all, “You don’t understand. Six inches forward and five inches back, I got a - I got an angry inch.” And she’s just like -

And suddenly, it’s just like ASS! BOOBS! ARE WE GONNA SEE HIS STUMPY-STUMP OHMIGOD I HOPE NOT!

And then she lays back like -

But instead he’s just like -

And we’re all just like -

WHEREVER ARYA IS

Arya is full of reunions this week, because at first she’s eating at this inn when who should pop up but fucking HOT PIE! Also revelation that Hot Pie totally looks like Dustin from Stranger Things.

Oh, he FOUND the chocolate pudding. He found it so hard. So they’re like chilling and she’s like - 

When Hot Pie acts like the greatest GPS ever known to man and reroutes her to Winterfell by telling her the Boltons are dead. And just like that -

But first reunion #2. Because we get some creepy POV shots on Arya camping in the woods, plus some growling and snarling. And her horse is acting CRAY. And I’m thinking, “Oh fuck. Ed Sheeran and his bros are back to fucking rape her, QUICK TURN IT OFF!” But lo and behold - it’s a bunch of wolves! Which is still bad until one is like -

But it’s not gonna eat her or catcall at her, because it’s her old wolf, people! So Arya is like, “Come with me, Nymeria.” But Nymeria is like -

and she peaces out. Leaving Arya alone to be like, “I see the same sky through my eyes as you see through yours, but we’re worlds apart. Worlds apart.”

WINTERFELL

More RuPaul - Michelle Visage shenanigans as J-Snow finds out about the dragonglass on Dragonstone and is like, “I’m going.”

But Sansa still smells fish and is like -

Which then gets everyone to turn on J-Snow, so he’s just like, “You know what? Fuck this. You be queen.”

But of course Sansa’s just like -

Meanwhile, Littlefinger is still being a creep.

THE SEVEN FUCKING SEAS

All right, so here we are with the fucking Sand Snakes.

Yo I know, I know, but spoiler alert they’re gonna die soon, so it’s all okay. Just first, we have to listen to them have one more dumbass scene where the One Who Showed Her Boobs is like -

And Whale Rider and The Other One are like, “Mama! Mama! Mama!” And I’m just like -

But then we go to Yara and Mama flirting while Mama like Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf’s Theon into getting them drinks. And then she’s like, “Aren’t you gonna protect your sister?” And she starts like getting close to her and touching her legs. And then she literally says, “A foreign invasion is underway.”

But alas, the invasion is cut short, because the ships are being attacked! And it’s like fire! Storming! UNCLE FREDDIE MERCURY!

And lemme tell ya, he is READY TO GO. It’s just like axes and blood and stabbing. And we’re all like -

And I’m especially like, “Uncle Freddie Mercury, find the Sand Snakes. Kill them.”

But Yara finds The One Who Showed Her Boobs first and is like, “Yo, I’m still trying to fuck your mom. Go protect her.” And The One Who Showed Her Boobs is just like, “Got it.” But the other ones aren’t so lucky. Because first he comes for Whale Rider.

And then without missing a beat he goes for The Other One!

And then Freddie’s backup boys find Mama and The One Who Showed Her Boobs and Mama’s just like, “Kill us. Get it over with.” And again, I’m just like -

But of course, it’s Game of Thrones and we can’t have too much of a good thing.

Anyway, it’s full-on Yara vs. Uncle Freddie Mercury time, and meanwhile there’s still these like mystery fire cannons shooting off.

But THERE’S NO TIME FOR LOGIC! Yara’s about to get her throat slit when Freddie’s just like - “LITTLE THEON!!!”

And Freddie’s like got an axe to her throat, and Theon could just like... run at her? I guess? And do something? And then Freddie LEGIT Virginia Woolf’s him. Like -

And Theon’s just like -

BOOB COUNT: 1 BODY COUNT: 2, plus a lotta extras in that last scene (Rest in Eternal Misery Whale Rider & The Other One) EPISODE GRADE: A-

SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS

I just don’t believe for a second Varys is going to stop conspiring behind people’s backs just because Daenerys made him swear an oath.

After so much hype about this Prince that Was Promised prophecy, it was just a BAD TRANSLATION? I dunno, guys.

I gotta say it, I was Team Sansa for such a long time, but she’s being quite the killjoy this season. And there’s nothing I hate more than being on Team Jon. That said, nothing she’s doing is really stupid. She’s being rightly cautious, but because we know Tyrion and D-Baby aren’t trapping them, it’s creating an interesting conflict for us.

Dickon joins the latest Thrones characters recast over the season break. No more Cormac from Half-Blood Prince.

They love saying “the wars to come.”

I’m so not about Diana Rigg dying, but I fear it is coming.

So just to be clear, the plan was to use Yara’s fleet to transport Ellaria back to Sunspear and get the Dornish army. But now, the fleet has been taken (right?) and Ellaria has been abducted. So none of these armies are technically in the control of Daenerys anymore.

Emmy campaign for Barack please.

So I think it’s safe to say that we can add another Samwise-Samwell parallel in that at the end of all this, Sam will document all these events into an essentially in-world Song of Ice and Fire book.

I’ve loved this Arya plot this season. I thought for sure she was headed down a path into ice-cold vengeance biddy, but this rediscovery of her early days is really lovely and unexpected.

Maisie Williams is so good.

Do we think Littlefinger knows about Jon’s parentage?

It seems as though Yara is still alive.

Two Sand Snakes down. One (and Mama) to go. But you gotta figure Cersei’s gonna take care of them next week. Dreams really do come true.

NEXT WEEK: Freddie Mercury is the champion, Casterly Rock invasion, and J-Snow and D-Baby together at last. Will they fuck?

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VII: Episode 1 - Kha-Lassie Come Home

It's been a long six years of dragons, politics, and sexual violence toward women, but here we are - the 70th hour of Game of Fucking Thrones. This show has the distinction of being something I have not put my hipster shades on toward; I've all but given up on Star Wars, I hate the Marvel shit, I saw Fantastic Beasts and fell asleep before they found them, but I still get really goddamn pumped about Thrones. I also do a blog for it where I recap the most recent episode using GIFs from contemporary American cinema and RuPaul’s Drag Race. It has a devoted following of like 7 people, so I can't disappoint my fans, knowhamsayin? Anyway, let's not dilly-dally, because I’m writing this at 11 pm and I’ve got a temp job to get to in the morning...

THE TWINS

Filch is throwing another rager in the Red Wedding room, and just when I'm about to be like, "Ughhhh, all this fucker does is sit in this chair and throw really dimly-lit parties" I'm like, "Wait a minute, HE'S DEAD!"

And then I make like every fanboy and girl around the United States, realize what’s going on, and I'm like...

Okay, so the scoop is basically Arya hired this fucking fleet of cater-waiters (armed with like two pitchers per hand, like good on you cater-waiters, such strength, I can literally only carry one at a time period) to poison all the leather hat people. But remember, D&D are in total fan service mode now so it's like the slowest-burn scene even though we all know what's going down.

And Arya in Filch drag is all, "Congrats, you literally killed my mom, my bro, and Charlie Chaplin's granddaughter."

And everyone's like...

While Arya's all, “Raise a glass to freedom. And tell the story of tonight.”

Roll credits. BECAUSE YOU’RE EXCITED, RIGHT? YOU BETTER BE GODDAMN EXCITEEEEDDDDDD!!!

SOME REALLY SNOWY PLACE

So then we get this really long George A. Romero tribute shot.

Which is basically just D&D reminding us that, yes, the White Walkers are coming, but hey, THEY HAVE GIANTS NOW! AND THEN WHOAH -

ZOOM OUT to Bran, who’s been having a vision and is now The New Raven Symone, and to prove it, he’s been bequeathed a Diva Toboggan that he makes all the Wall people drag him in on.

WINTERFELL

Presumably this is right after everyone lost their mind shouting “KING IN THE NORTH” and they actually have to sit down and iron out the deets. The only difference is that Davos is now rocking this totally rad fur coat in the corner like...

J-Snow is talking, making plans, and acting serious - you know, like he does, except this time he’s like, “We gotta train the boys AND the girls.” And of course Lady Sophia Grace is there and she’s super stoked about this.

Like, honestly God bless Lady Sophia Grace.  Okay, so we’re like 2 minutes into J-Snow’s reign and already he and Sansa are power-clashing worse than Michelle Visage and RuPaul over Banjee Girl Realness. Sansa’s like...

But J-Snow is like...

And Sansa’s like...

While Davos is just in the corner like...

KING’S LANDING Honestly, the whole Feud: Bette and Joan vibe seems to have rubbed off on everyone, because even Cersei and Jaime can’t get along. Like, Cersei’s chilling on this newly-installed map floor she hired Westeros Bob Ross to paint.

When Jaime comes in and is like...

And Cersei’s just like...

So you know, she’s gotta make nice with SOMEBODY, so she calls in Uncle Donald Trump, who’s gone from this -

to this -

Like, legit he’s wearing a V-neck T-shirt from Target though. I’m 100% certain I own his shirt. And in all honesty, we should just talk about the whole leather vibe going on in King’s Landing. Because Cersei is two steps away from this -

and Frankenmountain just IS this -

Anyway, she’s not gonna marry Uncle Freddie Mercury just yet. He’s got to prove himself, so he’s like, “I’ma bring you a gift. I’m out.”

OLDTOWN

Aight so here we are with everybody’s favorite character, Sam, who’s involved in a super fart-and-shit-centric montage detailing his interning activities at the Maester Academy or whatever. It’s basically a combination of this -

and this -

Except, like, with shit noises. And all the while Sam’s eyeing up the Restricted Section of the library like -

But don’t worry, because just when you’re about to get real bored with Sam, who should show up but NATIONAL TREASURE JIM MOTHERFUCKING BROADBENT.

So National Treasure Jim Motherfucking Broadbent is like, dissecting some dead dude saying shit like, “Drinkers’ liver if ever I’ve seen one,” and I’m like, “Don’t ever look at my liver dude, but come to think of it you’re National Treasure Jim Motherfucking Broadbent so go ahead.” Sam’s upset no one believes him about the White Walkers, being all...

when National Treasure Jim Motherfucking Broadbent makes like that one complacent friend you’ve got on Facebook who’s like, “Yo dude, I believe you. I just think everything’s gonna be fine and we’re all worrying too much.” 

Luckily Sam’s still in his badass phase and he totally kifes the Restricted Section keys from some some other old dude who’s just like asleep with this classified information out in the open.

So Sam’s like studying it all night, like -

When he stumbles upon a little bit of pivotal info about how there’s a shit ton of dragonglass on Dragonstone!!!

WINTERFELL

Meanwhile, Brienne is sparring with Pod the Poonslayer all -

And he finally is able to get a hit on her in when Ginger Wildling strolls in like -

But then Brienne’s like, “Nuh uh, honey” and knocks Pod straight into the biggest pile of coke you’ve ever seen.

Sansa is watching this, and Littlefinger is watching her because that’s apparently all he fucking does now. And he’s like, “Baby, let me make you happy.” Until Sansa’s all -

So he struts off probably to hyper-warp to some other part of Westeros and Brienne’s like, “Careful, girl. He wants something.” And Sansa’s like, “Bitch, please, I know exactly what he wants.”

WHEREVER ARYA IS

Arya’s wandering around the woods when suddenly she hears the most beautiful singing in the entire world.

And she literally stops in her tracks and is like -

But at this point I literally turn to my roommates and I’m like, “Who is this, like fucking ED SHEERAN?!?!”

And then I lose my mind when Game of Thrones is just like -

And that’s when we all learn the actual twist of the whole thing which is that I’m ACTUALLY THE THREE-EYED RAVEN!!!!!!!!

Anyway, after the initial craziness of Ed Sheeran being on Game of Thrones, it actually turns into a really lovely scene that may actually be the most shocking thing since the Red Wedding. Because the boys don’t rape Arya, and Arya doesn’t brutally murder the boys. They kinda just sit. And chill. And it’s really, really nice.

But like, they’ll probably rape her next week.

WHEREVER THE HOUND IS

Continuing the streak of really lovely, unexpected scenes is the Hound, who’s chilling with Reincarnated Glenn Frey and The Dude from The Big Lebowski. And The Dude is giving his usual “Blah blah blah Lord of Light Lord of Light” shit, and the Hound is just like -

Like, he even calls out The Dude for having a top knot. Which seems anachronistic, but whatever.

His skeptic vibe changes though when The Dude is like, “LOOK INTO THE FLAMES” and suddenly the Hound goes full on -

Also, apparently they’re at the log cabin of some guy who the Hound robbed, so the guy and his daughter died because it’s fucking cold.

So all of a sudden the Hound is all -

and he just starts fucking digging graves for them. It’s oh-so-sweet and lovely. And so he’s digging and crying and he’s all fucking bent out of shape when out of nowhere comes The Dude, who’s like

And they just dig together, and it’s beautiful. Like at one point, The Dude is even like -

And the Hound is all -

Like I said, beautiful.

DRAGONSTONE

And then this shit.  After SEVENTY. FUCKING. HOURS. OF WAITING FOR D-BABY TO TOUCH DOWN IN WESTEROS. ..

SHE DOES. 

Ramin Djawaldi’s composing so HARD, he’s like John Williams-ing to pull all the weight. Unsullied Barack is behind her and he’s like -

And Michelle is next to him and she’s like -

Even P-Dinky’s like -

And D-Baby just takes a breath. And turns around. And belts to the heavens - “ANNNNNNND. I’MMMMMMM HEEEEEEEERE!!!”

BOOB COUNT: 0 BODY COUNT: One gaggle of Freys EPISODE GRADE: B

SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS

Welcome back for another season, I’m glad to be sharing it with you all. We’ve got 12 more of these things, so let’s enjoy it while it lasts.

That said, I know I’ve gone on and on about it, but I’m still not quite used to how the show has devolved writing-wise post-surpassing the books. It just feels like every scene is a subtext-less two-hander where the characters bold-face state their intentions and nothing else happens. Sansa says Jon should listen to her, Jon says he has to be honorable. Jaime says Cersei needs allies, Cersei drinks wine and says mean things about people.

The Frey cold open was fun, but its power would have been stronger if we didn’t know he was dead already. It just felt like a louder reprise of her final moment of Season Six. But, like, she’s still badass.

Did anybody else think we were about to get a Zombie Hodor in that White Walker march scene? I’m not convinced we still won’t.

I’m typically Team Sansa, but I think Jon was right about not punishing the families of those who fought for Ramsay. I mean, Sansa is very much right about how J-Snow has to get rid of the whole “Honorable like my dad” thing, but Robb executing Karstark back in Season 3 was one of the fate-sealing moments that led to the Red Wedding.

Euron’s costume was legitimately out of control.

King’s Landing feels so, so small. This may be a good thing, but it’s verging on unrealistic with just Cersei, Jaime, and Dr. Frankenstein making decisions.

Who’s the gift Euron is bringing? Tyrion?

The Jorah reveal did elicit an actual gasp from me.

Tormund is being sent to Eastwatch-by-the-Sea, which is where the Hound sees the White Walkers are headed in the flames. So we can expect another big White Walker showdown there. Will be interesting to see how they continue to make those skirmishes unique. “Hardhome” is still my favorite Thrones moment of all time.

“Shall we begin?” Sure. But what have we been doing for 70 hours?

NEXT WEEK: Wolves! Littlefinger choking! And... lesbian action?!?

[admittedlynotspartacus]

Oscars Post-Mortem: It Was Always “Moonlight”

In 1989, Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing was one of the most buzzed-about films of the year. Personal, intense, and shot with wild ingenuity, it shed a light on the raw nerve of race relations in America, topping Robert Ebert's, Gene Siskel's, and Rolling Stone's lists of the best of the year. But come Oscar time, it was largely snubbed, receiving only one nomination - Best Supporting Actor for Danny Aiello, the only white principal character.

Flash forward to 2006, when the Academy thumbed its nose at "gay cowboy" film and presumed Best Picture frontrunner Brokeback Mountain in favor of the goopy, movie-of-the-week trappings of Crash. Then came two back-to-back years of #OscarsSoWhite, in 2015 and 2016, with notable snubs for presumed nominees Ava DuVernay and David Oyelowo for Selma, Idris Elba for Beasts of No Nation, Benicio del Toro for Sicario, and Straight Outta Compton, among many, many others. Time after time, the Academy seemed to be turning a deaf ear to films about "the other," arguing films should be judged on merit but still rewarding white, male-centered mediocrity like Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Imitation Game, and War Horse. There were outliers, sure - Kathryn Bigelow's Directing win, 12 Years a Slave... but usually if your film heavily featured people of color, gays, female leads, or was directed by a woman, you were SOL come Oscar night.

That all came to a head on Sunday night. As we all know, PricewaterhouseCoopers fucked the pooch, and there was a big ol' snafu regarding whether La La Land or Moonlight won Best Picture, before all was set straight and the latter reigned victorious. It really felt like all that Oscars history had all been leading to the beautiful moment of clarity that was the mix-up. In the moment, it was easy to accept that La La Land had taken top prize; all prognostication pointed to that being the outcome, but in truth - it never was the Best Picture. It was Moonlight all along...

... so why didn't we see it coming?

I went to Moonlight on opening day in October and it completely haunted me. I remember how hushed that packed theater was, and I remember feeling like it was something of a miracle that such a film could even exist in today's marketplace. After all, an empathetic window into black queer life, produced for $1.5 million by a relatively-new studio, helmed by a second-time director and starring a mostly-unknown cast, is a far cry from Batman vs. Superman. Upon release, The New York Times review was titled, "Is This the Year's Best Movie?" and it still boasts a 99% score on Rotten Tomatoes. But even despite this, and even despite that it was my favorite movie of the year, my understanding of Academy history didn't allow me to even entertain the notion that the best movie of the year could actually win the Oscar. That prize was reserved for something else, something like La La Land.

From the moment it opened at the Venice Film Festival in August, Damien Chazelle's throwback musical romance was virtually hailed as the Second Coming, with nearly-unanimous praise and claims that it was a "hot miracle" that mixed the joy and exuberance of Old Hollywood classics Singin' in the Rain or An American in Paris with the sumptuous, grand melancholy of The Umbrellas of Cherbourg. Add to that two charming, attractive, famous leads, a writer-director coming off one of the most pleasant film surprises in recent memory Whiplash, and the subject of Hollywood and a struggling actor, and it felt like it couldn't miss. Until I saw the movie...

There's been a lot of talk about a La La backlash; in the wake of Trump's America, it's been called everything from a "white savior" film to a glorification of "man-splaining." Suddenly, its escapist elements were blowing up in its face. But that's representative of Internet think-piece culture, not the Academy, and if ever we needed a film of glorious escapism, it's now. So truth be told, I never really bought into much of the backlash. I mean, it was certainly irresponsible to make the only black character of substance the one who's holding back jazz, and we needed no further indication that the movie would've been better served by diverse casting of actual singers than John Legend's Oscar performance. But too often I think white people (and I include myself in this) can overly villain-ize whiteness in an attempt to be an ally, thereby demonizing things that are hardly the problem, especially when Donald Trump is president. In all seriousness, my favorite movie of the last 20 years is Boyhood, which is about as diverse as a Trump rally but remains a masterpiece. So I balk at that being the problem.

No, I think the main issue with La La, and something I felt seeing it opening night, is that Damien made a very naive movie. I mean, the guy's clearly not an asshole; his gracious embrace of Mahershala Ali and Barry Jenkins during the mix-up shows that. But there's a simplicity and lack of texture and depth that permeates the film. While it's technically impressive, with a stunning score by Justin Hurwitz and solid work from Emma Stone, it too often feels solely derivative - paying "homage" to the magic of old movie musicals without seeming to understand what made them magic in the first place. Its screenplay is creaky, there's little conflict or tension, and while the final ten minutes pack a punch, they make little sense as the resolution to the story we've been watching (Why do they break up? Why haven't they talked at all in years? Couldn't they at least have tried and made it work?) In short, it was never going to be Best Picture, but for some reason it developed the narrative that it had to be.

A historic 7 wins at the Golden Globes! 9 of 11 Guild wins! And then, to top it all off, a record-tying 14 Oscar nominations on par only with All About Eve and Titanic. And that was the moment when we all should've pinched ourselves, taken a step back, and realized that this was never going to happen. I mean, even if you LOVE La La Land with all your being, I think you'd be hard pressed to make the argument that it's better than either of those films, or that it deserves a spot in a pantheon above films like Citizen Kane... or Casablanca... or The Godfather. It's just not that great. It's just not Best Picture.

Moonlight is. It manages somehow to take characters and scenarios that could feel cliche and hackneyed, turn them inside out, and reveal to the viewer their utter humanity. Its powers of empathy are palpable; it makes a black, gay story universal. On top of that, it unfolds like a dream, a visual tone poem that feels like a symphony more than a film. It's moving and it's hopeful and it leaves you with a better understanding of humanity and with more love in your heart.

Moonlight didn't win because of #OscarsSoWhite, or the Brokeback upset, or the Do the Right Thing snub. It won because it was the Best Picture. It just took all these factors, plus Donald fucking Trump, to give the Academy the kick in the ass it needed to actually pick the most worthy film. I'll leave others to dissect how that reflects on the black or gay experience in America, but I think the implication is clear.

It's possible La La Land will fade into obscurity as far as film history is concerned. It's also possible that it can now take its rightful place as the cute, mildly charming, fluffy rom-com it is rather than the awards juggernaut the Academy and Lionsgate tried to puff it up into. In the end, for once, the right film won. It was Moonlight.

It was always Moonlight.

[admittedlynotspartacus]

This Guy’s Oscar Predictions 2017

This year in film, Colin Farrell ate a bunch of Big Macs for The Lobster and then slimmed out for Fantastic Beasts, only to be replaced at the end by Johnny Depp; Natalie Portman cried in close-up for two hours; Patrick Stewart played the year’s second scariest white supremacist; and Paul Dano rode a flatulent Daniel Radcliffe across the sea. Of course, none of these are nominated for Best Picture, because the Academy still consists of a bunch of old white guys who were alive during the Golden Age of Hollywood musicals, yet still gifted La La Land more nominations than Singin’ in the Rain, An American in Paris, and The Umbrellas of Cherbourg COMBINED. In short, the Oscars are silly and so very rarely go to what is actually the most deserving, but it’s sure fun trying to predict what they’re gonna go with, so here we go…

THE SHORTS

Impossible to predict, but here we go...

Animated: Piper Live-Action: Timecode Documentary: Joe's Violin

BEST MAKEUP & HAIR

What a strange, strange category this year. A Man Called Ove could do it, if anybody actually watches it. But I'm going with the one of the two with box office business that wasn't a total trainwreck.

Will win: Star Trek Beyond Could win: Suicide Squad Should've been nominated and won: Green Room

BEST SOUND EDITING

No musical has been nominated for this Oscar before. If it’s sweeping, this will be an early tell. But for the last five or six years, this has gone to the loudest movie. That’s not La La.

Will win: Hacksaw Ridge Could and should win: Arrival Should've been nominated: Swiss Army Man (for pure fartistry)

BEST SOUND MIXING

Musicals always win this, but the irony is that you can barely ever hear what people are singing in La La Land. Still, it probably won't matter.

Will win: La La Land Could and should win: Hacksaw Ridge Should've been nominated: The Witch

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS

I can't believe I'm saying this, given my feelings on Marvel movies, but I wish I'd seen Doctor Strange, as I heard the effects were pretty unique. If that's true, it could pose a threat. But there is a Life of Pi-esque achievement in the category this year, and it'd be pretty shocking if it didn't pull off the win.

Will win: The Jungle Book Could win: Doctor Strange Should win: Kubo and the Two Strings Should've been nominated: The BFG

BEST COSTUME DESIGN

This could very easily get roped into a La La Land sweep, mostly for the yellow dress, but Jackie's picked up enough hardware for its costuming that it seems a safe bet here.

Will and should win: Jackie Could win: La La Land Should've been nominated: Everybody Wants Some!!

BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN

Another for the Best Picture frontrunner, for the lovely Technicolor-matching design... and that's not even mentioning that magical last ten minutes.

Will win: La La Land Could and should win: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them Should've been nominated: The Witch

BEST FILM EDITING

More often than not, the Best Picture winner needs to bag this earlier in the night to secure the win. Bet on the Academy going with the flashy cutting of La La Land over the subtle impressionistic style of Moonlight.

Will win: La La Land Could and should win: Moonlight Should've been nominated: Manchester By the Sea

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

We simply MUST stop giving this award to the movie with the longest shots. That said, it's pretty crazy that they pulled off that freeway number.

Will win: La La Land Could win: Arrival Should win: Moonlight Should've been nominated: Jackie

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE

Minus Passengers, this is a really strong category this year. That said, this is probably the biggest lock of the night. There are a lot of underwhelming aspects to La La Land, but Justin Hurwitz's score is the closest the film gets to the magic of Chazelle's idol movie Umbrellas of Cherbourg.

Will and should win: La La Land Could win: Nothing else Should've been nominated: Swiss Army Man

BEST ORIGINAL SONG

Lin-Manuel would EGOT with a Moana win. It could definitely happen if La La Land vote splits, but that film's campaign has done an excellent job of centering support on just one of their nominated songs.

Will and should win: "City of Stars," La La Land Could win: "How Far I'll Go," Moana Should've been nominated: "Drive It Like You Stole It," Sing Street

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

This was Toni Erdmann's to lose, until the Muslim Ban.

 Will win: The Salesman Could and should win: Toni Erdmann Should've been nominated: Elle

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE

It'd be great to see the Academy make it up to Ava DuVernay with a win for 13th, but it's hard to think of a recent documentary that has been such an enduring success and topic of conversation as OJ.

Will and should win: OJ: Made in America Could win: 13th Should've been nominated: Weiner

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE

Kubo's BAFTA win could signal an end to Zootopia's sweep of awards season, but Disney...

Will and should win: Zootopia Could win: Kubo and the Two Strings Should've been nominated: Finding Dory

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

It seems weird that Hidden Figures, which has an incredible amount of support behind it, may go home empty-handed. Had it released a bit later, it probably could've gotten in a few more categories. As it is, this seems like one category where the most deserving will actually win.

Will and should win: Moonlight Could win: Hidden Figures Should've been nominated: 10 Cloverfield Lane

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Musicals don't win Oscars for their screenplays, but La La Land is barely a musical. Much of it is a whole lot of talk between Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling in "charming" situations. That, combined with its "ballsy" concept, and I'm half inclined to pick it to win. But it seems unlikely to me that one of the best movies of the year is gonna go home empty-handed.

Will win: Manchester By the Sea Could win: La La Land Should win: The Lobster Should've been nominated: Don't Think Twice

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

It is time.

Will and should win: Viola Davis, Fences Could win: No one Should've been nominated: Greta Gerwig, 20th Century Women

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Last year, Alicia Vikander won for a beige performance in a beige movie simply because she had an amazing breakout year. Look for that to happen this year’s breakout, Mahershala, except he's complete magic in his movie.

Will and should win: Mahershala Ali, Moonlight Could win: Dev Patel, Lion Should've been nominated: Ralph Fiennes, A Bigger Splash

BEST ACTRESS

For two years, this category has been absolutely stacked. You really could make the case for 4 out of these 5 to win (much as I adored Ruth Negga and am happy she got in, the Academy has never awarded such a restrained performance). But I think all the stars have aligned for Emma Stone to take this home.

Will win: Emma Stone, La La Land Could and should win: Isabelle Huppert, Elle Should've been nominated: Annette Bening, 20th Century Women

BEST ACTOR

This is the most exciting race of the night, with two extremely worthy contenders neck-and-neck to take it home. Denzel would worthily join Daniel Day-Lewis, Jack Nicholson, and Walter Brennan in the pantheon of men with three Oscars. Casey Affleck, steeped in a similar controversy that completely derailed this year's early frontrunner Birth of a Nation, would be christened for an absolutely astonishing (albeit internal) performance. I'm going with the one who acts the hardest, also banking on the fact that the Academy would love the headline of African Americans winning trophies in three of the four acting categories.

Will win: Denzel Washington, Fences Could and should win: Casey Affleck, Manchester By the Sea Should've been nominated: Daniel Radcliffe, Swiss Army Man

BEST DIRECTOR

I suppose there is an outsider's chance that Barry Jenkins achieves a deserving upset, but Chazelle hasn't lost a major director's prize this season and the Academy will likely want to reward the one-two-punch of Whiplash and La La Land, making him the youngest Best Director winner in Oscar history.

Will win: Damien Chazelle, La La Land Could and should win: Barry Jenkins, Moonlight Should've been nominated: Pablo Larrain, Jackie

BEST PICTURE

It will be the greatest upset since November if La La Land doesn't win here. Except La La Land isn't an authoritarian, racist, misogynistic douchebag.

Will win: La La Land Could win: Nothing else Should win: Moonlight Should've been nominated: Swiss Army Man

[admittedlynotspartacus]

20 Best Picture “Losers” MOONLIGHT is About to Join

It's fair to say there's a large contingency of people hoping Moonlight wins Best Picture at the Oscars next Sunday. It's the best-reviewed film of the year, a grand epic with an intimate, personal feel and the ability to inspire empathy for characters usually on the margins of our cinematic landscape. In the year of Donald Trump, it seems like a no-brainer to give top prize to something so beautiful and socially important. And yet, La La Land is primed for ultimate victory, possibly tying the all-time record for Oscar wins of 11. Chalk it up to an out-of-touch Academy, escapism in an election year, whatever you want. But the fact is the Oscars don't always get it right. And to prove it, here are 20 films that didn’t bag Best Pic, but have endured as cinematic landmarks despite.

20. BUTCH CASSIDY & THE SUNDANCE KID (1969)

While the film took home 4 Oscars, including wins for the iconic song "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" and for William Goldman's screenplay, it lost Best Picture to the very worthy Midnight Cowboy, the only X-rated film to ever take top honors. Still, it's hard to argue Butch hasn't become more of a cultural staple, ranked as #49 on AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movies list.

19. FARGO (1996)

The Coen Brothers are widely regarded as two of our greatest filmmakers. But although they won Best Original Screenplay for this film, they wouldn't go on to win Best Picture until No Country for Old Men in 2005. Their anointing should have come much sooner, however, as the winner this year was the epic snoozefest The English Patient.

18. TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (1962)

One of the best film adaptations of a novel ever made, Mockingbird largely fell victim to the 7 Oscar sweep of Lawrence of Arabia, winning just 3, including Gregory Peck's victory over Peter O'Toole for Best Actor.

17. BOYHOOD (2014)

No film of the new millennium (excluding Moonlight, interestingly enough) received such universal passionate praise. A.O. Scott of The New York Times even went so far as to call it "the first film masterpiece of the 21st century." So how many Oscars did it take home? Just one, for Patricia Arquette's supporting performance. The lion's share went to Birdman, a highly-uncharacteristic but deserving Best Picture winner.

16. GOODFELLAS (1990)

I'm not the biggest Goodfellas fan; I also think it's hurt by Scorsese consistently drawing on the visual and editing styles of it for his films (see Wolf of Wall Street). But even I think it deserved more than the one Oscar it got for Joe Pesci, and that it should've toppled the overblown Dances With Wolves for top prize.

15. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)

Regarded as not only one of the best holiday films of all time, but one of the best films period, this classic didn't win a single Oscar, not even for James Stewart's iconic performance. So what won? The Best Years of Our Lives, which I've never even effing heard of.

14. APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)

Presumably the Academy was tired of rewarding Francis Ford Coppola after two years of big wins with both Godfather films. But it's hard to deny the intense power of what is regarded by most as the best war movie of all time. It was famously hell to film, the most ambitious entry in an already ambitious director's filmography, and yet it only won 2 technical awards, with Best Picture going to the deserving family dramatics of Kramer vs. Kramer.

13. DO THE RIGHT THING (1989)

#OscarsSoWhite is no new phenomenon, as Spike Lee's greatest film to date not only didn't win Best Picture, it wasn't even nominated. Its only nods were for Screenplay and for Supporting Actor, for Danny Aiello, the only principal white character. The win went to Driving Miss Daisy, in a depressing encapsulation of the Academy's viewpoint on race.

12. NASHVILLE (1975)

Robert Altman is easily one of the greatest film directors of all time, yet he never won a competitive Oscar, despite five nominations. His greatest film, Nashville, went 0 for 4, losing Best Picture to the admittedly excellent Oscars juggernaut One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

11. RAGING BULL (1980)

My personal favorite Scorsese film won for Editing and for Robert De Niro's legendary performance, but ultimately lost Best Picture to the fine, but ordinary Ordinary People. The Academy had so many chances to reward Scorsese for true masterpieces, and yet he won for The Departed.

10. STAR WARS (1977)

The movie that changed everything was indeed nominated for Best Picture. It was actually the only one of its 8 nominations that it lost, as the Academy backed out at the last minute and went with Annie Hall, which is obviously also great and the last true comedy to win Best Picture.

9. SUNSET BLVD. (1950)

Whether you view it as an Old Hollywood masterpiece, a camp classic, or you just love that it's narrated by a dead guy, it's undeniably a legend. But it was mowed down in all but 3 of its 11 categories by All About Eve, proving that camp divas were super "in" this year.

8. E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982)

My favorite Spielberg film is one of the most enduring in his sterling canon. Nominated for 9, it took home 4, including for Visual Effects and for John Williams' iconic score. But it un-deservingly lost to the Oscar-bait that was Gandhi.

7. DR. STRANGELOVE, OR: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING & LOVE THE BOMB (1964)

Kubrick is another director that is chillin' in the pantheon with not a single Oscar. This comic masterpiece went 0 for 4, not even bagging a win for Peter Sellers' brilliant triple-performance. The Academy loves their musicals, going with My Fair Lady, which I do love but can hardly hold a candle.

6. PULP FICTION (1994)

Probably the last movie to really "change the game," proving that independent artists could create something both artsy and commercial and that screenwriting rules were made to be broken, Tarantino's classic only won for Screenplay. In one of the Academy's most blatantly lame decisions ever, Forrest Gump prevailed this year.

5. ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN, NETWORK, and TAXI DRIVER (1976)

The 70's were famously an incredible time for film, but this year was out of control. 3 of the greatest movies of all time were denied top honors, with Network and President's Men each going home with 4 and Taxi Driver with 0. So what was the big winner? The feel-good Rocky. Blame it on an election year... sound familiar?

4. THE GRADUATE (1967)

Curiously, this American classic would've gone home completely empty-handed were it not for Mike Nichols' surprise win for Director. Most of the booty went that year to In the Heat of the Night. It's hard to argue against either, but surely this landmark film deserved a little bit more love.

3. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)

Just like Do the Right Thing, Kubrick's masterwork and one of the most iconic films of all time was completely snubbed for a Best Picture nomination. Its lone win for Visual Effects supports the theory that the film was initially viewed as a mere technical marvel and a "drug movie," only achieving its enigmatic wonder and majesty over time. Perhaps more than any other entry, it proves the Academy doesn't know everything, as they gave Best Picture to Oliver! - which despite my love for it - is horrifying on so many levels.

2. CITIZEN KANE (1941)

No film more routinely tops "Best Movies of All Time" lists like Citizen Kane, yet it was toppled by John Ford's traditional multi-generational family epic How Green Was My Valley. History has been kinder to the former, but with Orson Welles embroiled in controversy with William Randolph Hearst, Kane was lucky to get any Oscar recognition at all, winning only 1 of its 9 nominations for Best Original Screenplay. It's typical for a masterpiece to be ignored for something more conventional and ordinary, but Kane raised the bar for cinematography, editing, and pure audacity in filmmaking. While it will remain at the top of those lists, it will still only have that 1 Oscar.

1. THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939)

1939 is often thought of as Hollywood's "golden year," featuring Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, the John Wayne breakout Stagecoach, the anti-Stalin Ninotchka, and eventual Best Picture-winner Gone With the Wind. Of these, the latter is the most enduring (uncomfortable and dated as it may be), but no film can truly compare to the timeless magic of Dorothy's adventures down the yellow brick road and back again. It's no doubt the closest there is to a film everyone has seen, with a story and themes that will never grow old, iconic performances, and visual effects that still hold up today. Yet it won only one Oscar, for its Score. "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," arguably the most famous song of all time, wasn't even nominated.

So come Oscar night, I'll be rooting for you, Moonlight. But if La La Land does indeed prevail, don't feel too bad. You're in good company.

[admittedlynotspartacus]

2017 Best Picture Nominees Ranked

This year in film, Colin Farrell ate a bunch of Big Macs for The Lobster and then slimmed out for Fantastic Beasts, only to be replaced at the end by Johnny Depp; Natalie Portman cried in close-up for two hours; Patrick Stewart played the year's second scariest white supremacist; and Paul Dano rode a flatulent Daniel Radcliffe across the sea. Of course, none of these are nominated for Best Picture, because the Academy still consists of a bunch of old white guys who were alive during the Golden Age of Hollywood musicals, yet still gifted La La Land more nominations than Singin' in the Rain, An American in Paris, and The Umbrellas of Cherbourg COMBINED. However, moving on... here are the 9 films nominated for Best Picture ranked in my oh-so-humble opinion from "You can probably skip this" to "Run out and see this immediately."

9. HACKSAW RIDGE

Director: Mel Gibson Starring: Andrew Garfield, Vince Vaughn & Hugo Weaving The Plot: Mel Gibson uses the inspirational story of a religious man who refuses to carry a weapon into battle as an excuse to make the most violent movie since Passion of the Christ. Thoughts: Gibson executes the battle scenes effectively, and Andrew Garfield turns in a good-but-not-great performance, but there's no real maturation as a director here. He paints with broad colors a story that could've had tremendous power had there been more nuance. There was more to explore with this character's relationship to God, but it's largely eschewed for Old Hollywood beats and brouhaha. Overall, a fairly mediocre war movie, but this time with Jesus. Nominations: 6 (including Picture, Director, and Actor) Rotten Tomatoes Score: 86%

8. LA LA LAND

Director: Damien Chazelle Starring: Emma Stone & Ryan Gosling The Plot: Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling are adorable, talented, and wonderful and you love them... right? Thoughts: The entire gimmick of this Hollywood throwback musical is that it is a Hollywood throwback musical. It's in CinemaScope, everything looks Technicolor, and most of the numbers are filmed head-to-toe in one shot. It's technically proficient work by a clearly talented filmmaker, yet there is so little joy (and talent for singing and dancing) on display in the musical moments that it's hard to even understand the point. Ryan Gosling's too-cool-for-school hoofing and Emma Stone's whispery vocals are nothing compared to Gene and Debbie, Astaire and Rodgers, or even Judy and Mickey. And because there are so few songs, most of the film is occupied by textbook rom-com beats (however charmingly acted). See it for the instrumental score, which is on full display in the film's final ten minutes. Nominations: 14 (including Picture, Director, Actor, Actress, and Original Screenplay) Rotten Tomatoes Score: 93%

7. FENCES

Director: Denzel Washington Starring: Denzel Washington & Viola Davis The Plot: Dude says he's gonna build a fence, but mostly just acts like a shithead. Thoughts: Your enjoyment of this film is going to be largely based on how you handle the "stagey" factor. Denzel has effectively shot the classic play, rarely opening it up beyond the backyard set. In this way, it bears resemblance to the films of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf or Glengarry Glen Ross, but he lacks the directorial panache of Nichols and Foley, so the scenes often operate all on the same level with little dynamic change. For me, this got exhausting for 2 and a half hours, and the text (which remains beautiful poetry by the late great August Wilson) could've used trims, particularly when we see in Denzel's face the suffering of Troy so clearly that he doesn't need to talk about it much. Such is the power of the close-up, and even though it captures two phenomenal screen performances by Denzel and Viola, it ultimately robs the play of the power it would yield were we just watching them do it onstage. Nominations: 4 (Picture, Actor, Supporting Actress & Adapted Screenplay) Rotten Tomatoes Score: 94%

6. LION

Director: Garth Davis Starring: Dev Patel, Sunny Pawar & Nicole Kidman The Plot: Young boy separated from his mother has no interest in finding her until he becomes rugged Dev Patel, is mildly insulted at a party, and has access to Google Earth. Thoughts: The first hour of Lion is among the most beautifully shot pieces of cinema this year. Sunny Pawar is a magnetic protagonist, and Garth Davis and cinematographer Greig Fraser find a visual language for the story of a young boy who is separated from his family and tossed into an overwhelming world that is both epically Dickensian and visceral. It's unfortunate that the moment he grows up into Dev Patel (in a very game performance), much of the film's engagement is lost and we are subjected to long scenes of Patel staring at a computer screen that oftentimes come across as advertisements for Google Earth. Still, if you don't weep like a baby at the ending, I doubt you have a soul. Nominations: 6 (including Picture, Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress & Adapted Screenplay) Rotten Tomatoes Score: 86%

5. HIDDEN FIGURES

Director: Theodore Melfi Starring: Taraji P. Henson, Octavia Spencer, Janelle Monae & Kevin Costner The Plot: Nasty women get shit done. Thoughts: The most conventional of the Best Picture nominees gets its power from two key elements - that it's a story we don't really know, and that it's about three black women. It's a refreshingly old-fashioned American film about unlikely heroes that tells the familiar story of the space race from a surprising angle. And so, through familiar beats, the film is able to make an epic story personal, while also hitting the nerve of a country currently knee-deep in issues of race relations. Nominations: 3 (Picture, Supporting Actress & Adapted Screenplay) Rotten Tomatoes Score: 92%

4. HELL OR HIGH WATER

Director: David Mackenzie Starring: Chris Pine, Ben Foster & Jeff Bridges The Plot: Proof that everyone is getting screwed over by banks, including bank robbers. Thoughts: A tense chase movie set against the backdrop of an economically-paralyzed Texas, David Mackenzie’s “Western” transcends our 21st century understanding of the genre (loud gunfights, chases, and anachronistic music) without tipping its hat too hard to the classics. Taylor Sheridan’s screenplay is dynamite, featuring three principal characters brimming with emotion and trading dialogue that feels both true to life and wonderfully cinematic. It’s these characters and their dualities that give the film its epic scope.  And this is to say nothing of the final sequence, which finds a power in silence of which most films only dream. In a summer full of duds, this was the one to see. Nominations: 4 (including Picture, Supporting Actor & Original Screenplay) Rotten Tomatoes Score: 98%

3. ARRIVAL

Director: Denis Villeneuve Starring: Amy Adams The Plot: In which Amy Adams can talk to aliens, but still can't win an Oscar. Thoughts: Denis Villeneuve, of Sicario and Prisoners note, is one of the best contemporary filmmakers at creating a feeling of dread and anxiety. The opening sequences of his latest (shot beautifully by cinematographer Bradford Young) play with a kind of hypnotic, slow-burn tension that’s seldom seen in movies these days, let alone a big blockbuster like this one. Anchoring it all is Amy Adams, proving once again to be one of our greatest actresses. Her interactions with the truly alien-looking aliens, through a rectangular glass window on the other side of a room filled with white haze, are the centerpieces of a film which flirts with timely notions of global unity and boasts a few twists and turns as well. When it starts dealing out reveals, it becomes less and less effective, but the overall vision and feel of the film, grounded by Adams’ performance, make it something to behold. Nominations: 8 (including Picture, Director & Adapted Screenplay) Rotten Tomatoes Score: 94%

2. MANCHESTER BY THE SEA

Director: Kenneth Lonergan Starring: Casey Affleck, Lucas Hedges & Michelle Williams The Plot: Casey Affleck could learn some chill from his ginger nephew. Thoughts: The latest in the line of the “Boston grief drama” is among the most depressing things you’ll see this year. It’s also one of the funniest. Kenneth Lonergan has always walked the line of humor and heartache with painstaking accuracy, but never as well as he does in this masterful work. His picture of life is one where a never-ending litany of stupidities is ever present. Just because you’re dealing with the death of a loved one doesn’t mean you stop getting bad cell reception, stubbing your toe, or forgetting where you parked the car. It’s a tricky balancing act, one that major Hollywood movies eschew altogether, presumably because they don’t trust an audience to be able to parcel out what’s funny and what’s tragic. But in Manchester, the two emotions trade off, sometimes coinciding, to remarkable effect. And nowhere is this more embodied than in a grade-A performance by Casey Affleck; it’s one of those performances that is so perfectly realized you really feel like you know the guy; you understand the whirlwind of grief and anger that exists within him and how he’s masked it with a detached veneer. The acting overall is tremendous; Lucas Hedges is phenomenal in a breakout performance, and Michelle Williams makes the most of her limited screen-time. Lonergan and co. so fully commit to this truthful vision of a world wherein nobody gets an easy pass; sometimes you can beat it, and sometimes you just can’t. Nominations: 6 (Picture, Director, Actor, Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress & Original Screenplay) Rotten Tomatoes Score: 96%

1. MOONLIGHT

Director: Barry Jenkins Starring: Trevante Rhodes, Andre Holland, Janelle Monae, Ashton Sanders, Jharrel Jerome, Naomie Harris, Mahershala Ali The Plot: It's black gay Boyhood. Thoughts: It is absolutely baffling as to how this movie, based on a Tarell Alvin McCraney play, featuring not a single white actor, and focusing on the maturation of a gay protagonist, ever got made. But that’s not even the tip of the iceberg of the miracle that is Moonlight. It’s one of those movies that is so utterly transporting, so richly detailed, and so very very real that even though one knows painstaking work went into it, it feels as though it emerged fully-realized from a collective consciousness and fell into our laps right when we needed it most. The film begins in the familiar territory of hip-hop mythology - there’s a role model drug dealer and junkie mom, for instance - and yet it soon becomes clear we are being presented with the cliches and tropes of this type of film to shatter them and ultimately come back around to say, “Look at these people. They’re human. They’ve always been and always will.” There is beauty in nearly every moment, from the stunning cinematography (the scene in the water… the cooking) to the subtle score, to its performances (Alex Hibbert’s, Ashton Sanders’, and Trevante Rhodes’ collective turn as Chiron is staggering, and Naomie Harris and Mahershala Ali will surely be recognized come Oscar time). It’s all in service of a singular vision - one that isn’t easy to pin down or put into words, but one that will surely stay with me for a long, long time.

But alas...