#getting better?

[someduckwithagun]

I actually like this one for once

[octag0nall]

4 weeks ago, i read a caption on instagram, by a band i've loved for a while now. i've not been able to get it out of my head. in it, the writer mentioned that he had read drinking green tea every day helps with acne. he said he's been doing it everyday since then, and wasn't sure whether it was the tea, or watching the tea bag mesmerisingly swirl in the water each day which calmed him down. since reading that, i have done the same. i am equally unsure whether it is the tea, or watching the tea bag mesmerisingly swirl in the water each day which has calmed me down.

in a different caption, he talks about those moments with friends when you’re talking late into the night, and you’ve forgotten a sweater, and the dark frigid air creeps in and makes you shiver, and you can’t stop shaking. and he talks about moments when he/his bandmates are scared, and proud, and changed— all those moments when they can't stop shaking. the caption ends with "currently, the weather forecast for the day is light rain showers and a gentle breeze. if you find that you are cold, we will bring you a spare jumper. we do not want you to shake."

where i live, the forecast is snowy, and bitterly cold. and it is hard. it is hard to not shake when the mountains loom above me, icy and mean. it is hard not to shake when my friends are dying, and hurting, and drowning, and gasping for air, and too many freezing oceans away for me to hold. it is hard not to shake when my ginger ale has gone flat, my coffee cold, and my green tea bitter. it is hard not to shake when i am exploring a person i thought would die with my 15 year old body. it is hard not to shake when my walkman fell on the pavement, and makes this wobbly noise when it plays. it is hard not to shake when i look at my hands and they are real, and they exist. it is hard not to shake when i cannot muster the energy for the art i want to create. it is hard not to shake when i have only just stopped planning for the disposal of these clunky bones. it is hard not to shake when my scabs have peeled and my skin is healing. it is hard not to shake when the doctors perscribe new medicines, and unperscribe them, and perscribe new ones again. it is hard not to shake when i am standing on the edge of a stormy cliff, and i have no more strength to resist the wind.

but i am trying. i am making a cup of green tea every day and i am watching the tea bag swirl in water each day. i am trying not to shake.

do you hear me, nick peters?

i am trying not to shake.

[woodsy-hoe]

late afternoon painting session (p.s. i haven’t painted in forever so it was nice)

[chimeraunderatrenchcoat]

today was actually a nice day

like my mood didn't swing that bad and dysphoria didn't feel that crippling

this is weird

really weird

[bowiedraws]

Here's a drawing I did of the scarecrow skin for Junkrat

[freakyselkie]

I think I’ve improved? 

The product of my farmers hair down + getting better at drawing :3

[panpanpanini]

I had this weird fucking moment in my head while I was watching the new Invader Zim trailer.  I wouldn’t call it bad, just confusing... it was like being throttled back to a major creative point of my life and if just for a second, I think I felt a spark of inspiration and/or passion start nagging at me again.  

My fanaticism for the show has long faded, I dislike the obnoxiously cynical tone of the show and its highlighted style of ‘random’ humor.  But the visual style is still so starkly different from today’s generation of cartoons and I still enjoy that aspect of it, as well as the darker angle of the show in general.  And... despite all its shortcomings, it has a leg up on a lot of other shows from when I was younger due to the fact its now linked to the origins of my main OC/sona/creative dumpster fire, Edward.  So it’ll always have a special little place in my heart, even if I don’t want to acknowledge it.  The same applies to certain songs/movies/characters that had served as major inspiration for my guy, but while I’ve felt that spark before revisiting these sources since the beginning of this year, it’s always been quick to dissipate.  Watching the Zim trailer was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

That’s not to say I feel compelled to get back on finding solace in creative work with my guy just yet.  I’m still pretty hesitant.  But comparatively, I do feel a greater urge to get back to it, great enough to outweigh the guilt that I’ve been self-inflicting on myself for some time.  It’s a step in the right direction... maybe.  At this point, I still can’t see myself really sharing that passion with anyone aside from its visual angle (artwork).  I’m still scared of falling down that rabbit hole again, but... gut feeling is telling me that if I keep revisiting these old sources of inspiration, I’ll eventually stop being such a fucking pussy and let myself be passionate about things I enjoy, again, and leave behind the perpetual ‘meh’ for at least that much.