#getweirdinjuly

[lafix]

Winner, winner

I won 19K in the FL Fantasy 5. I bought a ticket on a whim and forgot to check it for over a week. I didn't actually believe I won until they handed me a check. It was gone quickly; debts. I did take my nephew to Disney World and bought new tires for my car.

[beegoould]

A post about your worst hangover ever, and the emotional kind totally count

At one of the CHSH’s, a friend brought me some weed in eggless cookie form. He didn’t really know for sure how potent they were since they were homemade and he hadn’t tried them. He warned me that the effects could take as long as an hour to kick in. I had one and waited about a half hour - nothing. I was impatient. I wanted to get FUCKED. UP.  So I ate two more. 

Then I remembered I had a train to catch in a few hours. 

And then the first cookie kicked in.

I don’t remember getting to the station, getting on the train, anything. I just remember suddenly realizing I was on it and that I couldn’t hear the stations being called off over the intercom. I think the speaker was broken. I looked out the window at one of the stops and realized I couldn’t read the sign. It was blurry like bokeh photography. FUCK. I was going to miss my stop and end up sleeping in the Woodstock square or something.

I was in a car with a huge group of drunk, rowdy men. I think I must have been visibly upset because one of them asked if I was okay. I told him I wasn’t sure where we were or when my stop was coming up. I admitted I was pretty fucked up. 

Suddenly he got serious. He stood up. “Hey guys.” he said, but his friends kept talking. Then he did one of those quick, sharp whistles, like a gym coach or something. “HEY. This nice lady needs to get off at Des Plaines and we’re gonna help her, okay?” There was a murmured consensus. 

I thanked him, turned back to the window and watched lights fly by in a blur. When we got to my station they were quick to let me know. Then I had a brand new problem - I had to drive home. A short drive, but still. I sat in my car for an hour before I tried to do anything. Sitting in an empty Metra parking lot at 2 am is sobering, but not quite as sobering as I’d hoped. It was the worst drive of my entire life. Things were still a little blurry and the lights were overwhelming. I went extra slow and every time a car came up behind me I was sure it was a cop and that I was going to jail forever.  

When I finally got home I collapsed and slept for 10 hours. When I woke up every muscle in my body was sore from being tense for so long, my head felt like it was going to explode, I was thirsty as hell, and I was starving.

So um

I ate a cookie

[some1s-sista]

Black n White selfie in which you look bored. No problem! I am.

[sarkastickunt]

July 3: a post about your underpants

I used to wear a lab coat to work and now I wear undies. Cute ones, sexy ones, functional mom ones. All kinds. If you ever watched one of my cam shows, You’d never guess I used to hate my body or that I tried to hide my bare bits any opportunity that I had. Now, I smear my face with slut sauce and lie on my bed ace deuce wide open so hundreds of guys will throw nickels at my lace covered crotch. Panties are my paycheck.

[pinkabrinka]

Underwear: a true story

The good thing about losing weight is you get to buy new clothes. The bad thing about losing weight if you have to buy new clothes – including underwear. Should you ever find yourself in this position, either (1) be very vigilant about discarding your now too big underwear, or (2) refrain from buying the same color/pattern as the underpants that no longer fit. Fail at these and you risk finding yourself in a hurry one morning and donning the old underwear. As they're still fresh from the laundry, you will not notice at first that they are two sizes too big. You will only notice once you have arrived at the office, parked your car, and begun the trek to your desk. At this point your underwear will begin sliding down. Since you're being a professional woman that day, and therefore wearing a dress, you will lack any fabric reinforcements to prevent them from falling. You adopt a peculiar gait as you have to hitch your underwear back up every third step. You step-step-hitch from the car to the elevator, and from the elevator to the street. The street in front of your office. The second busiest street in the entire city. During morning rush hour. You step-step-hitch your way across the first three lanes. Directly in the center of the street, with a full complement of cars waiting for the light to turn green, you miss. Step-step-hitch becomes step-step-drop, and your black and white polkadotted underpants are now in the center of the road. Not knowing what else to do you simply step out of them and continue your walk to your desk, hoping at the very least that no one was walking behind you. As you round the bend in the steps on the other side you can see your underpants still in the center of the road, the lace trim ruffling in the breeze. You make it to your cubicle and collapse, red-faced, in a fit of giggles. When you go back outside an hour later, your underpants have disappeared.

[feralninjaprincess]

Haiku About My Ex.

You left me for a stripper. Best thing that happened. Now you're fat and have meth teeth.

[corvidae30]

14. A post about an absurd belief you held in childhood

 I’m not entirely convinced that any of my childhood beliefs are any more absurd than the ones I hold as an adult.

  Clearly, they have evolved over the years, become more complex, maybe, but the core system is still in place.

  When I was a child, I had a certain sense of animism. I believed everything was alive, everything had feelings. I believed that my toys had emotional lives that were rich and fulfilling, as in Toy Story. I believed trees had spirits, the stove had it out for me, that my shoelaces just didn’t want to stay tied. To some degree, everything was a *thinking* thing, and how I interacted with it made a difference to it. Kindness begat kindness, and cruelty and indifference the same. I had evidence all around me. if you break something, it won’t work for you. If you were nice to a thing, it would generally work better than if you mistreated it. Same with people, or books, or crayons, or anything at all. 

  Now, as an adult, I know that that’s just how things work, on a mechanical level. The toaster is not burning my toast because I forgot to say good morning to it, it’s burning my toast because it’s 20 years old and anyway, that slider switch on the bottom is just there to vex me.

  I talk to my car. I silently say thank you every time an automatic door opens for me, rather than letting me walk into it. Not because I believe these things can hear me, as I did when I was a child, but because it provides a certain sense of psychological comfort. It’s a recognition that something has worked as it should, some small thing has done what it was supposed to do, and in a world where that’s not something you can always depend on, that’s no small thing. It also reminds me that I too have a function and purpose, and that if I do it well, maybe the world is a little better for it. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself.

  As a child, I *believed* everything was alive, and everything had feelings. As an adult, I sometimes *act* as if that were true.

  Which is more absurd, the faith of a child, or the rationalization of an adult?

[redcloud]

There are no tacos on Mars...

...that we *know* of.

But we have had a robotic presence there searching continuously for 20 years.