Sarkastickunt

I'm the slutty BFF you never knew you always wanted. Mommy, Blogger, Swinger, Hedonist, Event Planner, Shit Talker Supreme.

[sarkastickunt]

If you get followed by a new blog...

Surprise! It's me. I'm putting the Kunt to bed for a bit, until I figure my life out. Come watch the shit show.

[sarkastickunt]

I have no safe place.

And I'm heartbroken

[sarkastickunt]

Assumptions. 1. You enjoy silly putty 2. You prefer a rainy day over sunshine 3. Puppies will always have your heart

1) I haven't played with silly putty in years. I used to love making imprints of the Cathy comics. 2) I am in love with the rain. I love sleeping to it, fucking to the sound of it hitting the fire escape and walking in it. Especially naked. In Jamaica. After three mimosas and a beef patty.3) I'm a cat person. Puppies are dicks.

[hab1bi-deactivated20180612]

Send 3 assumptions and I'll tell you how many are right

[sarkastickunt]

Let's play because what the fuck else do I have to do.

[sarkastickunt]

My dad is having a critical procedure today and I think I have a stomach bug or food poisoning so I'm just sitting here pissed at the world and epically sad because it would be just my luck that my father needs me more than anything and I'm home because my body is an asshole.

[sarkastickunt]

While my dad lies in a hospital bed, scared and unsure about what is happening to him and how much time he actually has left I am sitting here in my room trying to stop the intrusive thoughts from stealing the little bit of time I have left with him.

Last night, he held my hand and kissed my fingers and told me he loved me. Told me he’s sorry that the last few moments we may have are spent surrounded by nurses, alarms, machines and the four walls of a cold dreary hospital.

I told him he never has to apologize to me again. I’m sorry I failed him. I’m sorry I let him down at times...I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate him more.

There’s a part of me that thinks he will be so much better off once his pain and suffering is over and then there’s the selfish, selfish part of me that just wants to get him better so I can soak up another 20 years with him.

He’s my best friend...and right now my bestie is hurting. And I am just angry and sad and frustrated and terrified all at once thinking about a life with out my pops.

[sarkastickunt]

This resonates with me.

[sarkastickunt]

July 6: worst hangover I've ever had

Hands down, it was the 2012(??) snarknyc that fucked me up in ways I can't really talk about. The infamous drunken gummy bears put such a hurting on me I couldn't really process what was happening. We booked two hotel rooms at that haunted hotel. One for me and chris and the other for the baby and my oldest. Chris ended up sleeping in the room with the baby that first Friday night leaving me all alone in my room after too many appletinis with Amanda and Ruth and the seven hundred other people I tossed drinks back with. Earlier that night I was in another persons room maybe Jessica and we were with about twenty people scooping gummy bears into our faces and I came up with this brilliant idea that chewing the candy was stupid so I'd just swallow them whole instead and I vaguely remember someone one crying because a guy said she looked pregnant and another couple that wasn't married to each other hooking up and then the bottom of my night fell out because nothing else rings a bell or felt like it was happening until I found myself walking back to my room holding a box of pizza and barely closing the door behind Me before my room started spinning and bad things occurred. In my 42 years of drinking and being alive I've never thrown up except on this night. This night I threw up things I haven't eaten in years. And I did this into my box of steaming hot pizza. That I barely got to smell before I ruined everything. The last thing I remembered was throwing up so hard a perfectly formed gummy bear was hanging out of my nose and long story short it's why gummy candy is banned in my house forever.

[sarkastickunt]

July 5: a post about something weird your pet or kid does

I have seven kids so you know one of them was bound or is bound to do some strange shit. However, it's my dog that's the biggest dick. We will walk him and feed him and walk him again until he's seemingly empty but then the minute we all go out leaving him all alone he immediately squats in every room in the house and force shits until he shits nothing but water droplets. And I know it happens immediately because we tested him and he did it twice minutes after I closed the door and locked the top lock. He's just a huge massive asshole and there are days I look for ways to love him as well as Empty fields in which to abandon him in.

[sarkastickunt]

July 4th: a post about fireworks related injuries

I've never hurt myself lighting fireworks because I'm smart enough to not light shit up and watch it explode. Even when I was a kid and before the public service announcements about shooting an eye out or blowing your hands off, this bitch watched from a safe distance because fuck that noise.

[sarkastickunt]

July 3: a post about your underpants

I used to wear a lab coat to work and now I wear undies. Cute ones, sexy ones, functional mom ones. All kinds. If you ever watched one of my cam shows, You’d never guess I used to hate my body or that I tried to hide my bare bits any opportunity that I had. Now, I smear my face with slut sauce and lie on my bed ace deuce wide open so hundreds of guys will throw nickels at my lace covered crotch. Panties are my paycheck.

[sarkastickunt]

July 2: Haiku about an ex

You Hurt Me So Deep It's okay I'm over it You mother fucker.

[sarkastickunt]

July 1: A love letter to bees (I'm 5 days behind)

You're purposeful but you scare me. Everything about you rivets me yet terrifies me all the same. When you're around I know I should act cool and pretend your presence is no big deal but you captivate me and I'm literally riddled with anticipation until you flit away. I know I should get over you, and I know I should stop obsessing but every time you're around you're all I can think about and it's killing me. Or at least it feels like it could which is why I need to put some distance between us. It's not you. It's my reaction to you. Goodbye.

[sarkastickunt]

What kind of person catches feelings and give you a hard fucking time about you not showing them enough affection when your goddamn fucking father is dying???

The asshole I live with.

That’s who.

[sarkastickunt]

When my migraine and aura start I slip right into a massive anxiety attack and then suddenly I can’t tell the difference between the two and it hurts my uvula.

[sarkastickunt]

I tried to post a double rainbow pic after the rain but it kept turning sideways so you get my leggings instead. Surgery is scheduled for my dad tomorrow to remove the infected pacemaker. His kidneys are failing super fast and he's no longer a candidate for dialysis. So, today and tomorrow is a waiting game. I'm exhausted and cranky and suffering ptsd from all the alarms and sirens going off. I'm not feeling super supported by my family and my partner is being passive and strange and focused on himself which shouldn't surprise me but it does. Like, what kind of man seems put off by the lack of attention I'm showing him while I deal with this? Ya know, besides a selfish one? I don't feel cute or witty so I'll just leave it at this.

[sarkastickunt]

It’s just been the shittiest week of all the weeks I’ve ever had.

With my dad gasping for air in a nursing home bed, I barely controlled my own breathing long enough to call 911 and over ride the nursing home who very seriously wanted us to call hospice and let him die.

He has endocarditis and sepsis and is in ICU.

Not sure what is going to happen now. I just know I don’t like any of it.