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I don’t like Jess for Rory

and neither does Rory actually… if you think about it

This has been a long time coming and I always was asked to explain why I dislike Jess, for Rory. I don’t hate Jess, as a character I think his backgrounds are interesting and his lashing out understandable because of it. As a teacher I feel for the past they recreate in that character, and his troubles because IRL I know men who have a similar background history. But that doesn’t mean I have to like him… much less believe even in the slighest he’s “the best choice” for Rory or “the only one who truly understands her”. Sorry no, my one and only choice for Rory will always be Logan, why? Because to me if you watch the show and the revival is clear as day who she chooses to be with, and who she turns to. Each and every time regardless on how many times they say goodbye.

I don’t like Jess because he first arrived and was totally not just disrespectful but downright insulting to Lorelai, (honestly the pie comments were far too wholesome I would have slapped his rude mouth and tossed him out). He was a guest in her house and he basically called her a whore because she was talking kindly about her friend.

He’s rude to Luke and I get it, he’s angry he’s upset to be sent like a package by a mother who is the only parent he has, who can’t control him and doesn’t want to deal with him because she doesn’t know how to be a parent, but at the same time loved him enough to want to do better for him because she knows she can't succeed, so sends him to the one person she KNOWS AND TRUSTS who might make a difference with him, the one person who always helps her. If she didn't care for her son she would have let him be whatever, let him get in trouble, let him end up in jail or worse who knows, but she loved her son enough to want to do something for him that she knew was beyond her. So she sends him away, and I get it, he arrives like a package without a choice, to this little weird town where he doesn’t know anyone or understands if he suddenly landed in a loony bin or in an alien planet (I mean I feel for the guy, he goes out and sees people hanging garlands and little kids doing cartweels and suddenly a mother and daughter wearing THE SAME ONESIE! I mean WTF??! lol I understand his dismay, I do! Lol). I get it and I feel for him, however I don’t find it an excuse and carte blanche for him to be rude to everyone and treat the entire world as if they were beneath him nor I give him the pass for being the crappiest boyfriend to Rory, those things don’t excuse him. However I simply don’t like him FOR Rory because Rory doesn’t like him for Rory.

Most of Jess’ growth is assumed and not seen, I think is fantastic he lost the MASSIVE chip on his shoulder and started taking responsibility for his life and wrote a book, however we have no clue of what his personal life, because we barely see anything of that when he reappears, and why? Because the writers didn’t consider him that relevant to the show, or maybe he wasn’t that interested but still point is he wasn’t that relevant to the story. He had already been written out and the writers didn’t consider relevant to the story to know Jess’ personal life and backgrounds from the time he wasn’t around, because he was no longer important as any more than to make an effect then be on his way.

Dean, before leaving, had a background and a story, when he came back in the revival too, Logan had a story, he was seen in his many wrongs and in his growth and most of all and I can’t emphasize this enough: His RESPECT for Rory’s will. Say what you want about the situation and whatever Logan’s mistakes have been and whatever Rory AND Logan’s mistakes have been. He was always upfront and clear with Rory from day 1 onwards, he’s still waiting for her but at the same time he’s not hiding anything from her. And while neither of the boyfriends were perfect ever, far, far from it, Jess takes the prize (of the worst one) because he was by far the most disrespectful one and the one who, in the limited time, treated Rory the worst. And present tense (and past) Rory rejected him flat out multiple times in the original show:

1. The infamous Keg! Max! Incident. We will dwell on that one later on but for now let’s just get to the gist. She said wait, she said no, and he kept going. And if you are of the argument that her protests were too feeble and that’s why he kept going thinking she was game, or that because she went up there she was game, then please grab the nearest brick before I can and throw it at you. No means NO, paraphrasing Paris, “male, female or hermaphrodite” no means no, period.

2. The silent phone call after Chilton graduation: She kept getting hang ups so she finally understands it must be Jess because as usual he doesn’t willingly comunicate so she uses the the chance in order to say her goodbyes. Rejection number 2: “…that’s it for me. I’m going to Europe tomorrow and I’m going to Yale and I’m moving on. And I’m not going to pine. I hope you didn’t think I was going to pine, okay? I think…I think I may have loved you, but I just need to let it go. So, that’s it, I guess.” She wanted him there but since he had yet again failed she decided the only thing left to do was move on. Once Rory makes up her mind about things, she stays headstrong until the end.

Let’s not forget this is the swell boyfriend that after making her feel bad for not sleeping with him (no, it wasn’t his intention but that’s what happened) he went to explain but instead saw her talking to another guy, got jealous, made a snide remark got in a fight and wouldn’t talk to her at all, until she happened to find him in the same bus by chance. Why by chance, you say? Because he admitted taking a later bus. So he wouldn’t have to face her and say goodbye. Left without explanations and then kept calling and hanging up on her because he couldn’t even get the nerve to ask for forgiveness. ("Ghosting, because I'd rather at once show you I'm an asshole than slowly let you know that I suck")

3. When he tried to get her out of Yale, “come with me let’s start over but away from this place we’ll go to New York, we’ll live together we’ll work”, she said no, he said “only say no if you really don’t want to be with me” and she said, guess what? NO. I get it he was desperate because he was finally owning up to his feelings of loving her and he wanted her to go with him there and then because he felt his window of oportunity was shutting down if it wasn’t shut already so he went and he pushed and pushed until he got a firm and loud NO.

And let’s dwell on this for a bit. People say Jess was the only one who really understood how much she loved college, because he really loved her… How is a guy who pretty much proposed her to drop out of college the one and only who truly understands her love for studying? He showed up out of nowhere after once again leaving (not forgetting his previous pop up where he said he loved her and bolted) with no contact at all nor any explanations about his behavior (season 4) and to come get away, run away with him to New York, to what? Oh that’s right to live in a filthy mattress with view to the mold (Luke’s words and let’s face it, the truth) in a crappy apartment with 10 other people. He didn’t ask her to leave to go on a vacation he proposed to live and work in NY. With no qualifications, a Rory who had been trained for nothing in the real world. Who hadn’t even worked in a store yet ever before. What would she have done? Hmm waitressing in NY, probably a messenger too, with crappy hours and crappy pay until she got bored of the boho life (which was never her style to begin with) and went back to Lorelai and back to where? Ah that’s right the place Jess was demanding she dropped off.

4. Season 6 comes, (after the yelling, we’ll get back to it, don’t you worry) after an entire season without him and we find Rory in a fight with Logan. When she went to his open house she was mad at Logan yet she didn’t want Jess, she wanted to use him, she told him she loved Logan. Plain and simple.

Let’s go back for a sec to a moment before in season 6. Him getting credit for getting her back to Yale, I’m sorry but to me is ridiculous. To make him look like the knight in shining armor the one and only who saved her is, to me, just plain ridiculous and also underestimates and insults Rory. He came, yelled, she was already shaken and thinking what am I doing, she sees this guy who had nothing and had accomplished something big professionally and since she was ALREADY shaken she got shaken a bit more and made her choice to go back. I’m not saying he was useless, neither am I saying he didn’t have any influence, he did but it was his presence and what he had accomplished while she had nothing in the works (by her own choice) and he was the last drop that spilled her glass that was already brimming. She was already headed that way. It was HER CHOICE, nobody MADE her go back, Rory may be indecisive so many times and insecure but when it comes to her own life, in the nitty gritty she’s nobody’s pushover. Lorelai knew, Logan knew, Lane knew, SHE.COULDN’T.BE.FORCED. Rory needed to decide on her own, she needed to learn from her OWN mistakes and make her own choices to find her way back. Had Jess come to shout earlier in her path he wouldn’t have made a single difference; He comes out of nowhere and with no previous contact whatsoever, shouts or gives an idea then disappears again. He left her without so much as a goodbye (after the yelling) or actually breaking up (when he first left town) with her. And this is the guy who KNOWS her best? Someone who she doesn’t talk to in years at the time? hmmm…

5. Revival, they talk like old friends who haven’t seen or known of each other for quite a while (YEARS actually hmmm interesting friendship when they haven’t known of each other at all for years) yet she doesn’t share that much with him not even her difficulties while writing. Is a good conversation, is fun and I personally was so happy to see him for the first time EVER, I was so happy to see Jess, he seemed calmer, he seemed in a better place, more grounded, he genuinely tried to give his best advice as someone who was involved in a similar field of work.

But here’s the thing… Why is his growth made SUCH A BIG DEAL? So he grew up! Was he expected to still be a sulky bratty disrespectful punk of a teenage boy at age 32, 33?? Wouldn’t that be sad? If a grown ass MAN was still acting like a resentful teenage BOY? I would feel so sad and it would feel so unrealistic for a human being with a minimum level of intelligence (and Jess has a good level of it) to NOT grow u and leave the ‘tude behind? It would be dumb if he didn’t, is only NATURAL for him to change and grow up, why shouldn’t he? Or are the expectations for his character so PAINFULLY low from his own adoring fans that they expected no change in him from ages 19, 20 to ages 32, 33? Did they really except him to still be the same and that’s why his growth is so highlighted when it should be a natural thing? He was supposed to stop being a sulky disrespectful child at some point. What else do we know about him? Is there a mention of him having a successful relationship with anyone in all these years? Or even a semi committed relationship that in the end just parted ways? Is there any mention of him having had that? No. Because it wasn’t relevant because we don’t have to know if he is in a better place in the romantic world, because (and I can’t stress this enough: HE 👏 ISN’T 👏 A 👏 ROMANTIC 👏 INTEREST 👏 FOR RORY 👏. ASP said it best, Jess and Dean were not meant to be forever. (even though she compared Dean to prince Charming and she said Jess is now family).

So back to the revival conversation (notice how she does not hug her friend even though she hasn’t seen him for years? She doesn’t even come near him, yet she hugs plenty of other people she hasn’t seen in a while) He suggests out of the blue: a book. Why? “he knows her better than anyone!” I hear you say. Sorry, no. He knows Rory as well as anyone who knows Rory. In the words of Dean “A book. Well, you’ve read them all, what’s next is writing them”. He gives a good idea, spends a couple of minutes talking to her, then goes his way, as usual because why not? He’s got his life, he’s got his stuff, he’s always in the moment kind of guy. Is not that he doesn’t feel love (Milo’s words) but is not the romantic love anymore. Rory is Rory she’s in her own world, lost at the moment but finding her path again enthusiastic about the new idea given by Jess. She tells Logan all about it and about her struggles in the meantime, and goes to Logan when she can’t understand her mom and is fighting with her, she tells Lane about it, she meets Dean by chance and HUGS Dean, and tells him about it while thanking him about being such a fantastic first boyfriend for her. And Jess… she jumps up and down excitedly without showing her author friend her pages, and grabbing the front of his shirt and his jacket… why? because he happened to be there.

Now, having finished with the plain and clear rejections. Let’s go back to the first one.

Keg! Max! Makes me mad for many reasons the main one being that she had to PUSH HIM OFF OF HER for him to react. I am completely, 100% sure he wasn’t going to rape her or even hurt her. I’m sure that wasn’t the intention nor the purpose EVER, but the fact he needed to be pushed is what makes me mad and is inexcusable. She was trying to find out what was wrong with him because she was worried, but since he didn’t want to talk he tried to distract her by kissing her and lowering her on the bed to carry with the next “order of business” as a way to shut her up.

I get it, teens and hormones (although 18, not really THAT excused) but I’m not saying he needed to jump away from her the very second she said wait, he could have kissed her and ASKED what was wrong; he didn’t need to jump, just pause without having to be pushed! He yelled at her and that also makes me mad. I also understand he was frustrated about other things and took it out on her, that the yelling wasn’t really about that and that he felt bad for saying it and was planning to perhaps distract her say it wasn’t his intention or that he’d do better next time, because let’s face it, did he ever actually explain anything owned up to his mistakes? Did he ever apologize for anything, that we see during his time? He’d distract her, try his best to make up but that’s the point he just NEVER talked, (”I don’t know why he was mad at me I don’t know IF he was mad at me because he NEVER tells me anything” Rory’s words). He was just plain rude (rude to her grandma too but let’s not dwell on that) because in his mind actually doing something nice for his girlfriend, and actually communicate with his girlfriend made him a pushover.

The fight with Dean I actually understand, because if I came out of a room crying because of a fight with a guy and guy then showed up behind me annoyed (annoyed! He actually scoffed!), I have a good number of friends who would want his head, metaphorically speaking of course, even now as an adult. I get he didn’t yell really because she wouldn’t sleep with him but what really pisses me off is that he had to be pushed to react and move (his intention wasn’t to force her because he could have easily done that) then yelled and had the gall to be annoyed and afterwards radio silence, no apology no explanation he simply left and if they hadn’t seen each other by chance she wouldn’t have even seen him that time because he purposely took a later bus.

The Keg! Max! scene in Kyle’s bedroom is inexcusable and there is no coming back from it period, in my opinion, because how can you trust someone who never explains or apologizes and you never know why things happen with him or what is he going through.

I don’t think Jess is bad nor that he ever had bad intentions towards Rory, I’m 100% convinced that’s not the case. But he IS a bad boyfriend and that scene is so uncomfortable to me even though I had never had a similar experience and it makes me so mad every time I force myself to rewatch it to make sure I’m not judging too hard. I’m not. Jess wasn’t even a hormone filled teen here. He was 18. He didn’t want to have a conversation and tried to use sex as a distraction, as something interesting to make it happen, both to forget about his problems and get Rory to stop talking and questioning what happened.

Why is Rory blamed for “forcing” him to talk and he isn’t for trying to force her to have sex with him? That’s what ended up happening. It wasn’t his intention or his plan, absolutely, granted; he did back off, granted; he never meant to hurt her, totally granted. Thing is he wasn’t a hormone riddled 15 year old (and even then, how about RESPECT someone who you apparently like? Never mind he wasn’t taught better, is common sense you don’t push your wants on someone who doesn’t want them, I like this person then I don’t want this person to feel bad because of me), he was a tad older and one would expect a bit smarter, and he knew this would be Rory’s first time but he didn’t ask her to consent, he didn’t pause to make sure she wanted that, to make sure she agreed or was comfortable, in fact he didn’t really care at first when she started to show being uncomfortable. He didn’t ask if she was OK. Instead, he was only caring about himself. He didn’t even wait to ask her how she was feeling, actually he wasn’t very interested in that… and this wasn’t a random teen at a party, this was supposed to be her boyfriend, and in the words of people of Team Jess, the one who loved her and understood her… yet she had to push him off and he still didn’t care about her comfort level he snapped at her berating her why did she come there that he didn’t force her, so on top of pushing he made her feel like crap in what was almost her first time.

Now, on adult, revival Jess:

I like that later on when he shows up, seems to have dropped most of the ‘tude but what happens in his personal life we don’t have a clue and we see a Rory who, rejects him flat out (season 4), basically says she regrets leaving Dean for him (same season), uses him and tells him she loves someone else (season 6) and hasn’t had contact with him in years and barely tells him much about her writing or personal issues when they talk, doesn’t show him her pages (hello, he’s a writer why not discuss that with him?) and then barely grabs his sleeve and the front of his t-shirt when she’s happy jumping excitedly around him (may I add, the jumping happily is not ABOUT him? He just happened to be there), yet she doesn’t hug her supposed friend at all in any point? (revival) Rory doesn’t want Jess for Rory from what is shown, doesn’t she deserve the chance to be with the one she obviously chooses? And honestly, in my opinion, Jess deserves better than to apparently pine away after 10 years for a girl who doesn’t show any interest in him. So no, I’m not team Jess for Rory because Rory isn’t team Jess for Rory. And I’m damn glad, Milo seems to be of the same opinion and so it would appears, are the writers.

Just:

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