theres a line in rent when two of the main characters are fighting that goes "you're always preaching not to be numb when that's how you thrive" and it makes me think of sam for some reason? like,,,,, he's always telling dean that it's okay to feel things but he himself seems to not know how to deal with his trauma and his negative emotions so he represses and numbs them so that he doesn't have to think about them. i love him so much :(((
Ohhhh my goodness that is absolutely perfect! Thank you! It’s so very, very true. Sam is a mass of contradictions. He stands up for others but not for himself. He preaches assertiveness and self-confidence and self-acceptance but exercises none of them for his own benefit. It’s so sad and he needs Sully honestly. Or therapy. AND therapy. Extensive therapy.
He only peripherally got to confront some of his seasons-old feelings about his own inadequacy and impurity in s13 because Jack was experiencing those same things and Sam wanted to help him to the other side of them. He only spoke about his trauma at Lucifer’s hands because Rowena had experienced it, too. Sam is an absolute pro at conceal, don’t feel, but oh boy will he mine his own trauma if he thinks there’s raw material there that might help someone else. (I’m not crying you’re crying.) He is exhaustively and exhaustingly dedicated to being good.
Realistically, that kinda repression is entirely unsustainable. He will shatter. Season 13, groundbreakingly, allowed Sam to have the occasional feelings and even the sort of emotional outbursts you’d expect from someone who repressed like they were being paid for it. We got that great scene in grief counseling where he vented about how he felt that he was never able to really get to know Mary.
There was a reason that we all got the GiveSamaVoice tag going a couple seasons back; for the longest time, the show heaped agony on Sam and then pretended nothing happened. There’s repression (understandable, in line with Sam’s character, and—to an extent—absolutely necessary in this sort of story to keep the characters moving and acting) and then there’s bad and insensitive writing. It was the latter. Season 13 has been taking small, though tangible, steps to rectify that. Here’s hoping for good things in s14.
