Ok, I'm writing a more coherent post than the one from last day. I'm not sure what I'm gonna talk about has to do with dysphoria, but if you have it reading this could be uncomfortable maybe? It's the same post as yesterday but with a good talk and night of sleep on it.
This is a sort of shout out. If this sounds familiar to anyone feel tre to hit me up, I'm kinda stewing in my own thoughts and not coming to any conclusions. But someone was kind enough to lend me a hand yesterday and it made me feel better so I'm trying to organize my feelings a little better. So there are a few different tags so maybe this gets a little exposure, it's time I try to reach out a little.
For all intents and purposes right now I'm a cis woman, I don't have any problem with being referred as one and I don't have any particular issues with my breasts or genitals. What's bothering me are my secondary characteristics (boobs excluded obv).
I'd love, at first glance, to look exactly like a man (but with my regular top and bottom stuff), I think I mentioned Adam Goldberg yesterday? So yeah not a very masc woman or even androgynous, wanna go full "for all internet and purposes I look like man, unless we're being intimate.
I'm starting to be more and more really jealous of other guys my age. Even my younger brother is basically done with puberty and just needs to finish growing into his body and I'm super envious. We look similar enough I'm constantly wonder "If only I was born differently how close to that I could look?".
But I don't have that feeling of being born or trapped in the "wrong" body trans people seem to often describe? I don't particularly feel like I'm actually a man or even feel like I want to be one, or that being a woman is somewhat wrong for me. And I don't feel like my body doesn't match my gender? I don't know if it makes sense?? I don't feel Iike there's anything to match. Like, the disconnect a lot of people describe. The one I have now IS my body (like, it's never felt like a cage or not belonging to me), it's just one that I don't really like the look and feel of, but the changes I want to obtain are a little harder than "cut or dye your hair, become thinner of buffer, get a tatoo..." but easier than say, wanting to be taller (wish I also would like, but at least that is a thing that I know it's not possible and made peace with that).
I feel like my experience matches a lot to that of GNC women, but for a lot of them it seems to be tied a lot to their gender and womanhood and femininity in general (like their attachment or detachment from it). But for me it's purely on a physical level? Womanhood, masculinity, femininity, being nonbinary... They are very abstract things for me, they aren't big issues I think often about. I could go on all my life being a woman, being extremely feminine or masculine based on how I feel on that day (I think I would be even more ok with being a little more feminine if I could look more like a guy, it just feels better in my head?)... But while looking like a man. That's the main thing for me. Dressing and behaving more masc haven't helped me at all unfortunately. The feeling is not totally wrong body as much as "body that needs some improvements". But if someone pointed a gun at my head and told me to choose I would be like woman, no gender and then man if I really had to choose? But it’s something I’m in no rush to deal with as it’s not giving me issues. But also... if I got told I had to legally change all my stuff to say I’m a man to be able to take testosterone... I would in a heartbeat, it doesn’t sound like a sacrifice. Maybe that means something? I don’t know if my feelings on this would change if I could look like I want, maybe even my gender feelings would change! Rn all I’m focused is on my body and nothing else, all brainpower and feelings are employed over there.
I can't seem to figure out what this all makes me? I know no one can answer this for me but I kinda wonder if there are other people that feel like this? I looked at the personal stories of trans men, nonbinary people and gnc women but I haven't found anything that matches how I feel (altough seeing videos of people changing once they go on T make me mad envious, all the changes showed and talked about made me yearn so much)? Does this sound familiar to anyone? I feel very lost at the moment and kinda weird? Like, I don't want to make light of this. Dysphoria as trans people who have it describe it seem like a very different thing. And even being trans while not being dysphoric feels different. Like it almost sounds like a cosmetic thing like I describe it compared to the trans people's experiences I read about. But it does make me feel bad because I don't make enough of the right hormones to look like I like to see myself as when I close my eyes. I can look at myself without self loathing in the mirror but in my head I'm like, "second cooler puberty when??" But then it's "oh no, I'm actually done with that and had the uncool one, dang it".
I haven't mentioned my voice also, but while some years ago I was more attached to it, now I also feel envious of deeper voices too and despise listening to my recorded voice. It feels way higher than I hear it irl and it makes me want to never talk again because it's terrible.
This is probably something I’ll have to bring to a gender therapist or something like that in the future. But as it isn’t available to me atm finding people like me would also be nice.
