Discover Top Posts Tagged with #goddammit matt

Why am I suddenly being bombarded with a ton of very clear scenes for the next few FFTD installments when I've got barely any time to write today? This is sheer cruelty.

#hoping i remember it all because i dont have the time to jot it all down #goddammit matt #not right now #fftd #fanfic writer problems

three episodes into the new season of Daredevil

GODDAMMIT, MATTHEW. GODDAMMIT.

I have a lot of extremely culturally Catholic fan theories but for now they all boil down to Matt's rebellion against ~*~God~*~ being largely driven by a desire/choice to finally get a chance to feel sorry for himself and grieve the very real Shit he's dealt with instead of using literally every emotion he has to channel himself aggressively into using his skills to do good in the world. He broke, he's mad, the sum of all the trauma hit him at once, and he's coping by (very explicitly) rejecting the sum total of everything he was (also explicitly) taught growing up: you don't ever stop to feel sorry for yourself, you don't wallow, you just remember what you have that other people don't and you feel grateful--grateful, dammit!--and if you can't manage that, you just use all the anger and the bad feelings to go out and do shit and power your good works, because you might be a terrible person but at least you can leave good works behind you.

Not that I ever learned those lessons, no.

He can't do that right now--the loss and the grief and the depression are just too much for him. But he's almost certainly never in his life been encouraged to actually process any kind of grief or loss or sadness as anything but action-motivation to fix the situation in some way, and so has no tools left when the cumulative trauma means that "fixing things" isn't something he feels capable of doing any more.

(Seriously, literally the only place in his entire adolescence he might have encountered the concept of having feelings and processing grief is the disability counseling he alludes to in Defenders, and given the way that he talks about being blind and what that means to him, I have to wonder how much of that he internalized and how much he wrote off as not actually applicable to himself, not being a "real" blind kid.)

I simultaneously wanted to roll my eyes at his little speech about Job--honey, the hubris! You ain't Job, you're only human--and wince, because I can see him actually trying to communicate "I keep trying and I keep trying and I can't do this and no one is ever going to let up, nothing is going to let up, and there's nothing and no one there that gives a shit about me who I'm not endangering by existing" and what he gets is basically immediately "stop thinking so highly of yourself, whiner, and get back on the horse."

(I simultaneously kind of love Maggie and think she's the most fucked up parenting figure I've seen in Marvel in a long-ass time. No wonder she took so well to Stick; she has, I think, fundamentally the same philosophy with a slightly different cause under it.)

God, I need someone to hug Foggy--who incidentally keeps trying to do something similar, in a less self destructive way, by trying to reach out and save people--and also I need someone to give Matt some quality time with some actual comfort in which a) nothing is his responsibility right now and b) he is encouraged to actually process his grief and sit with his feelings about this in some way that does not involve doing things for other people.

The second one isn't going to happen, but the hugs one might.

#daredevil #daredevil season 3 #daredevil spoilers #goddammit matt