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[gogolibro-blog]

THE CONFIDENCE CODE-CHAPTER 5-THE NEW NURTURE

Confidence, they state, "at least the part that's not in our genes, requires hard work, substantial risk, determined persistence, and sometimes bitter failure."  Yikes!  Psychologist Nansook Park states that "the proper way to build confidence in children is to offer them gradual exposure to risk but trauma is not the goal...if they succeed celebrate and discuss what worked and if they fail, talk about what they did well and what they can learn to do better next time" pg 110.  I can still use this advice today at 32!

Here's the thing...it requires FAILURE.  Ahhhh!  They describe it as the "most frightening and most critical partner to confidence" but they also say there's not enough of it.  The worry is that a lot of failure in a non constructive fashion will lead to risk aversion but if handle constructively will build confidence.

What about stuff that we just aren't talented at, some things we just may never be good at.  That's ok, there's a difference between talent and effort.  "If we believe that somehow we're given talents at birth that we can't control, then we're unlikely to believe we can really improve on areas in which we're weak.  But when success is measured by effort and improvement, then it becomes something we can control, something we can choose to improve upon" pg 115.  So push yourself and take on tasks beyond your reach, coasting at the same speed doesn't increase our confidence.  In addition, psychologist Caroline Miller says "a willingness to be different is critical to confidence.  It's more than just risk and failure, confidence comes from stepping out of your comfort zone and working toward goals that come from your own values and needs, goals that aren't determined by society", pg 116.  I find this extremely motivating!

What can really get us in trouble, and I fall victim to this as well, is when our confidence is derived from external sources.  They state that when confidence is based on external measures "the biggest risk is that we won't act...chasing permanent praise can lead to self-sabotage and constantly seeking approval, instead of developing your own code, will be debilitating" pg 119.

They end the chapter by warning that "you don't get to choose confidence and then stop thinking about it as your life miraculously changes around you...when we say confidence is a choice, we mean it's a choice we can make to act, or to do, or to decide...confidence is work, hard and deliberative, though we have no doubt that it is doable." pg 121

"We need to act, instead of holding back.  And that means, we now know, that we have to be ready to work in ways that will often challenge our most basic instincts" pg 122.

[gogolibro-blog]

THE CONFIDENCE CODE-CHAPTER 4-DUMB UGLY BITCHES

Apparently the young men at the US Naval Academy have a name for female students.  DUB's-dumb ugly bitches...seriously.  I can't even imagine trying to live in a world let alone get an education and fair opportunity where that is what you are openly referred to as.

They start the chapter with this information because seeing as this is being used at one of the most respected institutions in the country it really shows how the centuries of imbalance are still prevalent today.  No wonder so many women struggle with confidence when they are being referred to as DUB's whether to their face or not.  "Women on average are earning 77 cents for every dollar earned by a man, only 4 percent of CEO's in the fortune 500 are women and only 20 of the 100 US senators are women and that's a celebrated record high." pg 81.  But this isn't due to a lack of competence as women now earn more undergrad degrees and PhDs than men and when given a fair shot at success they do well.

Here they discuss that some of the issues start as far back as elementary school where girls are encouraged to be quiet and compliant while the boys are rowdy and rambunctious.  When girls are quiet and "good" they are rewarded but they are avoiding behavior that causes them to make mistakes and take risks which is critical to building confidence.

This perpetuates and especially in adolescence where girls are more likely to drop out of things such as sports because they aren't willing to take the risks necessary to continue competing at high levels.  Even at the pinnacle of their careers some women still feel discrimination as one of their interviewees put it "when a man walks into a room, they're assumed to be competent until they prove otherwise...for women it's the other way around" pg 89

A lack of confidence they state can also be linked to perceived appearance and women are much quicker to criticize their appearance than men.  One international study they quote shows that "90 percent of all women want to change at least one aspect of their physical appearance, 81% of 10 year old girls are afraid of being fat and only 2% of us actually think we are beautiful" pg 91.  That makes me want to cry.

A lot of the time these are self inflicted wounds we are creating by having a poor perception of our physical appearance as it is so strongly correlated to the way we feel about ourselves and therefore our confidence and that needs to change.

Women also tend to be afraid of being criticized which can be very limiting since you won't generally stick your neck out and take a chance if you are afraid of being criticized for your actions or decisions.  We also have the bad habit of overthinking things...at least I know I do.  This can lead to undermining yourself or being caught in a cycle of self-recrimination and is the exact opposite of taking action.  We have to get out of our own heads if we want to build confidence!  Note to self!

Again in this chapter they look at the brain and potential differences between male and female brains.  Essentially male and female brains are more alike than they are different and if you were looking at a scan for example you wouldn't be able to tell the difference in gender.  But there are some differences in "structure and matter and chemistry" that may encourage "unique patterns of thinking behavior, patterns that clearly affect confidence" pg 99.

Ok, ok, yes men do actually have larger and heavier brains relative to their body size but that doesn't mean they are better :)  They do tend to score on average higher on math and spatial skills and women better on language and arts but this is on average.

One study I found really interesting showed that women have the bulk of their brain cell matter in the frontal cortex where we process reasoning, and the limbic cortex which is an emotional center while men have less than half of all their brain cell matter in their frontal cortex but instead spread throughout the brain.  There are also two different types of brain matter which I think most people know, gray and white.  Men have more gray matter which is useful for isolated problems and women have more white which is better integrating information, pg 99.  Women also tend to have better functioning white matter in important places such as the corpus callosum (the connection between the left and right brain) which may explain why women tend to work with both sides of their brain more easily and make multiple mental connections faster, pg 100.  "It's almost as though evolution designed our brains to reach equally complicated destinations on completely different roads" neurologist Fernando Miranda, pg 99.

Coming away from this chapter it is clear that biology plays a huge role in confidence.  To some extent we are born with it but it can also be "nurtured" or learned and the ways in which we think and behave aren't wrong but understandable based on the way our brains work as women.  "We just need to get our natural instincts to work more in our favor" pg 106.  Now they move on to the idea of confidence creation.