Like a failing TV show, I have been cancelled. Rather, my cycle has. The nurse called in the late afternoon on the 11th of this month to tell me that the growth was not what they were hoping for, and gave me two options. Either ramp up the dose again to 1.5x normal for four days with another ultrasound and blood work or stop everything for this month, call it a lesson learned, and try again on the next cycle with higher doses to begin with on the same mixture of drugs (Provera, Letrozole, and Bravelle). I went back and forth with her, not expecting to have to make this decision in a noisy stairwell on the campus where I work and with some help from her during our discussion chose to cancel for now and try again. I asked what the plan would be next cycle, and she said much the same, but as far as the specific doses were concerned, it would be up to the doctor to determine at that time. I ended the phone call and was suddenly awash with some invisible, heavy, gray sadness. Some small corner of my mind was expecting it, but I had tried so hard, willing my follicles to grow, that it seemed like a monumental loss. It was the one time I have been grateful to drive home alone rather than with a co-worker who regularly makes up one half of my carpool. I sat in silence most of the way home allowing myself to get lost in the depths of my brain. That night was especially difficult emotionally, as were the next couple of days. My darling SO held me that night and let me cry. I’m still not entirely sure what was going through his head, but his presence was a great help in and of itself. Now I wait until Halloween to call the doctor, order blood work, receive the results, and begin again. In the meantime, I intend to call the nurse and get a full idea of what they plan to do with me during this next cycle. If we are again unsuccessful, I will most likely wait until next year to begin again after that. For several reasons, money is getting thin, and I want to wait as long as possible before I have to borrow against the equity I have in my car. Thanks to everyone who is praying, hoping, and wishing right along with me!
