Come Along Little One

This blog will detail my journey as I try to conceive. I am in my thirties, and I have been married since March of 2011. My husband and I have been together since 2007, and have known each other since our middle school years. We have been actively trying to get pregnant for about six months as of the first post on here, and have done everything we can to achieve pregnancy without medical intervention. I hope this blog will inspire others who struggle with the same issues, or know someone who does. And, please, if you have any questions, ask!

[comealonglittleone]

Family

Three days ago, my SO and I went to the fertility clinic for our consultation. It was the start of our return to treatment and intervention. I had a pretty good feeling in the week leading up to the appointment that the doctor would ultimately tell me that IVF would be our next course of action, and that I needed to take three months to lose some weight before we started anything.

Well, I was right on both counts! He prescribed Metformin again, telling me that I need it to help manage my PCOS, and said he wanted to see me again mid-October. That’s only about two months away. He’s optimistic that I can make enough difference between now and then that we can start a cycle before the end of the year. He did look me up and down towards the end of our meeting and say “you’re done a good job taking care of yourself,” so I suppose he expected that after two years off Metformin and not under treatment that I would have ballooned up quite a bit more. I did get some optimism from that.

The current plan is that when I return mid-October, we will induce a period, and start in on follistim. Once my follicles are looking ripe, we will trigger with Lupron, harvest all available/mature follicles, attempt fertilization via intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI), and freeze all the resulting embryos. Due to an increased risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, we will not do a fresh cycle. We’ll take another month to prime my uterus and do a frozen embryo transfer at that point.

In addition to the metformin, I am also taking Ovasitol (an inositlol supplement) and NeoQ10 (a CoQ10 supplement) for the next two months. Both are new pieces of protocol at the clinic, and have been proven to increase egg quality and overall success. The company that makes these two products, Theralogix, is rather new. I had heard about them on some podcasts that I listen to, and thought it too good to be true. I was very surprised to see a whole display of what they offer sitting at the clinic last week!

In non-IVF related news, the day after the clinic consultation, my SO and I met with the lawyer who arranged our nephew’s original guardianship agreement for my mom and I. We are pursuing his formal adoption! His biological mother has gotten to the point where she is comfortable with the idea, and we are so excited for the opportunity! I don’t know if she and I will ever talk honestly about how we got to here from where it all started, but I am extremely grateful that we have.

So...who knows, but perhaps we will end up with two kids next year! Keep a good thought on both accounts, if you feel so inclined. <3

Come along little one...

[ptrckstmph-blog]

be kind to yourself. remember that your journey is your own. don’t punish yourself for not having accomplished as much as x person at age 16, 17, 25, 40– their journey is not yours. your journey is not theirs. just because they are “doing more” than you are at this moment in time, or at that moment in time, does not mean you have wasted your time. you have had different experiences, circumstances, and opportunities. it is not a matter of fault on your part. you will get there, day by day, no matter how long it takes. 

[wilwheaton]

This is one of those things I need to hear almost daily. It’s one of those things that I know in my head to be true, but can’t seem to convince my heart to accept.

[comealonglittleone]

Anticipation

Last week I took a big step towards new beginnings and called our fertility clinic to schedule a consultation. It’s been about two years since I was there last, and a lot has happened in that time. It’s too much to list here and now, but overall, I believe we are in a better place. We are living in a bigger house, have less debt, and have previously experienced some of the pitfalls of infertility. It’s not all new and scary this time around. There will still be anxiety and nervousness, but not as much despair. My hope for this run, however long it lasts, is to see the bright side of it all, the possibility of having our own biological family.

We both have dreams of chubby, curly-haired, dark-eyed little hobbit babies. I can’t wait to meet them! I have visions of them often when I think about an eventual pregnancy (because I do believe there will be one), and I imagine our children to be bright, somewhat quiet, and, of course, musical. They will enjoy reading, singing songs, and creating with their hands.

In about three weeks we go to meet with our doctor and talk about next steps. I have so far told few people, as I’d like to maintain as much autonomy as I can. If it were possible to keep it completely between my partner and I, that probably would be my choice. As it is, some co-workers have to know in order to help cover the time I will miss during appointments, and we’ve also told a few family members who can help support us, but know that we will come to them.

I have hope, and I cannot wait to meet our little ones...

[comealonglittleone]

Certainly it is great that technology is available to help couples that previously did not have hope to parent genetically, yet the need to utilize procedures often stirs feelings of grief. Often patients will express frustration with others who suggest that they should be excited or happy to be doing infertility treatments. Though you might be grateful the treatments exist, it's perceived as a loss to have to welcome an infertility team into your baby-making world.

Deidra T. Rausch, Ph.D. - The Fertility Guide: A Couples Handbook for When You Want to Have a Baby (more than anything else)

[comealonglittleone]

Currently reading

[comealonglittleone]

Tingling

I feel restless. There is a tingling in my ears, down my spine, in between my toes. I long for next steps. I am not sure what comes next. Will it be another consultation? It has been literal, actual years since my last treatment. There is also a new doctor to the practice. I presume she will take over when the other retires. I wonder if I have a choice in who takes charge of my treatment, or if they are sharing all patients/clients. I still have yet to figure out how to juggle my work schedule and my (anticipated) fertility treatment schedule. It will likely require some very personal conversations with co-workers to arrange a "convenient" arrangement. I don't want to put anyone out if I can help it, and I don't want them to think that I'm leaving. I so badly want a family, though, and my ultimate dream remains to be a stay-at-home mom. I have money enough (I believe) to cover one IVF cycle. If only there were a way to know whether it will work! If only there were some sort of guarantee against my dumb body continuing to not work. If only there was some way to peek into the future and see if we are ever successful in having children of our own. I have so many questions that I'm not ready to ask yet. For now, I hope, I wonder, and I begin to plan as much as I am able. Come along, little one...

[comealonglittleone]

To all those who are mothers, and those who long to be - Happy Mother's Day

[comealonglittleone]

Stuck

I feel like I’m at an impasse, like I have been for a while. It has been 17 months since the last cycle under treatment. The good news is that I’ve had 10 un-medicated cycles in that time. Prior to my laparoscopy, etc. I was not able to have a period without some kind of intervention. Now it seems they are coming every 8-12 weeks or so, although that fluctuates greatly, too.

Money is still an issue, too, of course. My savings target for an IVF cycle is $15,000. I’m about 20% there. If I do nothing more than let my HSA fill up from each paycheck, I should have the requisite amount in about 3 more years.

Some days I hardly think at all about these hopes and dreams. Some days it’s all that’s on my mind. I’ve seen my two closest friends struggle to get pregnant, become pregnant, experience pregnancy, give birth, and watched their babies grow. I’ve even been to the one-year-old birthday party for one of them! It’s amazing and fantastic and inspiring and heart-warming and hard. It’s so very difficult sometimes.

My time will come. I have to believe that. I have to wholly give up the control I so desperately try to have over this whole process. I have to have hope. I need to give myself the space to long for things I don’t yet have while remembering to live in the now.

Come along, little one...

[wilwheaton]

So I'm at the hospital with my wife and we're having our first kid, so I'm wondering, do you have any advice to a first time dad?

Congratulations!

There are three types of parent: permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative.

Permissive parents tend to let their kids do whatever they want, and typically try to be their kids’ friend. I think this is the absolute worst way to parent.

Authoritarian parents tend to force kids to listen to what they say, because they said to. This is the second worst, because kids don’t learn how to think for themselves, learn from their mistakes, earn and give respect.

Authoritative parents use natural and logical consequences to teach their kids right from wrong, and while they aren’t strict, rigid disciplinarians, they expect their kids to behave and made good choices.

Anne and I are authoritative parents, and it worked out very well for us and our kids.

Parenting is hard. If you find parenting is easy most of the time, you’re not doing it right.

Please don’t hit your child.

Make an effort to attend all the school plays, recitals, and programs your child does, because sixth grade arrives before you know it and you’re sitting in the cafetorium wondering where the time went.

Infants are basically pooping and eating machines that cry a lot. This is normal and temporary. You will learn exactly how little sleep you need to exist, and your child will grow up faster than you ever thought possible.

I wish you and your wife a quick and uneventful delivery, and I’ll keep doing what I can to make our planet a place that your child can safely grow up on.

[humansofnewyork]

“I’d always wanted children, but I just never met the guy. So I decided to go to a sperm bank. I started trying when I was 42, and I had her when I was 45. People always ask me if it’s hard being a single mother. I say: ‘Yes. But not as hard as it would be if I didn’t have her.’”

[comealonglittleone]

[comealonglittleone]

Regrets

I have not written in this space for a very long time - long enough that I’m afraid to go back and find out just how many days have elapsed. I have not been entirely unproductive in my life; I’ve moved, transferred to a new work location, subsequently quit that job and started a new one, and most recently auditioned and been accepted to play in a major volunteer orchestra in my city!

I feel guilty, though. After all the time and money spent on this venture, it’s been left to sit for months. How will I ever bring a life into this world if it isn’t a priority? I certainly only have myself to blame for turning 29 in six months and still being childless.

The house isn’t ready, though. We’re still unpacking, remodeling, and dealing with things that were never completed during the eighteen years of my life I lived there previously. So many of the doors and windows are without trim. They are simply wrapped with rough cut-outs of drywall and framing. There are several rooms without baseboard, much less quarter round to cover the gap between the wall and the floor. There is a French door that leads to nothingness because no deck was ever fabricated. The Master bedroom is poorly heated and cooled by a single vent in one of the far corners. One of the windows in that room is missing its screen so we are unable to achieve cross-ventilation on the nice days. The basement is eternally damp and full of spiders. I don’t think any part of it is especially hazardous; my siblings and I never had trouble growing up there when it was in even rougher shape, but current conditions certainly would not provide a passing score on a home visit if we decided to pursue an adoption.

It’s really difficult some days. I’ve been trying so hard for so long not to think about it that when I accidentally have the thought cross my mind, I am instantly weighed down with a profound sadness.

There are also days when I am grateful that I do not have children yet when my life gets especially hectic or I have a lot of late nights getting home from work. I try to tell myself that things are the way the are for now so that we can figure out a way for me to stay home full time once we have children. I wish I could more easily believe that or see what is to come. I’m sure I’m not alone in that.

[stuffmomnevertoldyou]

When you give birth, you do it with others. When you miscarry, you do it alone. Even if doctors and nurses are present, numbing you, holding your hand, giving gentle instructions, they’re not with you, because what’s happening is both too awful, and too common, to be shared. Nobody wants co-ownership of the failed human.

Eileen Favorite has penned a beautiful, heart-wrenching story about her experiences with miscarriage (via stuffmomnevertoldyou)

[comealonglittleone]

Time Out

After another fruitless cycle, we are taking a break for a while.

I got my hopes up quite a bit this time around, if only because I personally know a few people who got very easily pregnant after having some part of or the same surgery that I did.

I still believe that I will someday be pregnant and eventually give birth to my children; we just haven't found the right combination yet of drugs, patience, luck, and whatever else is missing presently.

It is very possible that this break will last a couple of years. I am trying very hard to comes to terms with that and be generally ok with it. Some days will be better than others. No matter what, though, I still want to be pregnant twice, have natural at-home births, and be a crunchy, frugal, creative stay-at-home mom. Someday...

Prayers, support, good vibes, and success stories are always welcome.

[mrsteachercatlady]

I just want to be able to yell out, “I’M PREGNANT!”

[dungeonsndiapers]

It’s difficult to describe the pain that comes with infertility. It’s grieving for something that never existed. It’s an ache in your chest that feels like a big black hole that sucks every other emotion out of you. It’s all consuming. Not an hour passes that you don’t think about it.

I never thought that this would be my life. This isn’t where we are supposed to be

[moonlight-n-daydreams-deactivat]