Z left me. What I thought we had averted when she came to visit came to fruition this past Monday. It seems that for her focusing on two partners ( particularly when one is present in her daily life) is not possible and I am the one easiest to ignore. Out of sight, out of mind. “This last week I got sick,” she explained “and when I had limited energy you were the first thing to go.” These words cut deep at my own insecurities and fears about not being enough for the people I love.
Once I decide to let myself love someone I have always struggled to let go. I still have feelings for S and she has been gone from my life for quite some time. So now my heart moves forward with the momentum of love but in a space of lost and it can’t stop until, over time, it is first slowed. There is a Z shaped hole that will persist.
To add to my sense of weakness. Why am I so easy to leave? Why I am so easy to let go of? And why is it so damn hard for me to do the same? I understand that Z needs to do what is best for her and I would never want her to stay just to make me happy (because in reality that would only cause more pain) but it doesn’t make me feel less small.
And I feel still more in the torrent of my feelings. I am so tired of being mistreated. I am tired of feeding energy into a void and getting neglect in return. It has happened in all three of my significant relationships that have ended (A, S, and Z). It’s exhausting and painful. I always push through because I believe things will get better and want to support my partner in whatever they are experiencing. It seems that by doing so I only give them reasons to forget and stop caring.
The saddest part of this pain is that I can’t help but feel she doesn’t ache for my absence, as I do for hers, but only for the hurt she caused.
This hurts. It hurts with the fresh wound of loss and the consistent ache of scars left behind by others. I will not be ok for a while.
