i don't know if you remember, but around this time last year we were on our way home from ice skating. i held you in the back seat of my mom's car and i played with your hair and scratched your back and we sneaked kisses when we thought my mom wasn't looking. you got home really late but that didn't stop you from texting me once you got home until we fell asleep. i remember how happy we felt, and how much i didn't wanna let you go. i remember going to bed that night thinking about how one day we won't have to say goodbye, just goodnight. i couldn't wait until we could fall asleep together. this time last year, you spent a lot of time at my house. we cuddled a lot, and we talked a lot. we kissed a whole lot more. i miss kissing you. i don't know why i'm writing this. it's 12:18 am and i'm sure i'll be rambling on much longer than that. i miss your lips and how sometimes we'd have to take breaks while we were making out because of how heavy we were breathing. i miss how bad you wanted me because you definitely don't want me the same way now. this time last year, i imagined our forever together. i really believed nothing would stop us. this year, i can't stop thinking about how i might lose you. i don't like to believe it and i can't let myself think about it too much. i hate knowing that you might actually be gone for good. i honestly don't know what i'll do if you're gone. i don't even think i'm actually gonna send this to you, but who knows. honestly though losing you would be one of the worst things that i could even imagine happening. i can't just have you be my entire world for four years then suddenly have to go without you every single day? i can't. and i don't know how you're handling all this so well, either. you're weird. you don't let things hurt you and i wish i could be that way. you're absolutely amazing. i don't think you realize how amazing you are, especially to me. i love you in a way that i can't even explain. i hope you had the merriest christmas and i hope this made you smile. i miss your smile. it is now 12:28 and i want to kiss you even more than i did at 12:18