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words | blessings | lessons

[Originally posted on my Livejournal Saturday, July 15, 2000 at 12:48 pm, very minor edit for clarity]

Hi Trevor,

It's Bluest again, I just wanted to let you know that I couldn't sleep last night, so I checked out your site. You are a wonderfully creative person. When I first started reviewing your site, I felt almost a jealousy that someone had the power within their brain to create such a unique and wonderful site. I was a little intimidated by it, I was floating in a sea of all the things I DON'T know about design and you do. I think I'm pretty smart, but somehow, I think you are smarter. I don't run into that often. I reviewed the whole site thinking that maybe I could get some ideas for my own site, however, after reviewing it, I decided that I would create whatever my brain congered (hope I spelled that right), instead of getting ideas from others. Although, ultimately you will have influenced how I create my site.

I am very sorry about the loss of your parents. You described them so wonderfully that I felt on some level I almost knew them as they are almost typical of People of African Descent while at the same time being uniquely yours (which is also a typical fact about people of our parents generation, they have many similarities and these really funny distinctive differences).

I even briefly looked at your resume. Trevor I want you to know when I looked in your "interests" section and saw that you had listed "time travel" that I had a wonderful experience of understanding what it means to live your life freely and unapologetically. I was blown away by that. I try to live freely, I succeed in some ways but not in others. I am definitely a work in progress.

I read FASHION Fag Magazine. There were some really great things there. Have you considered trying to shop it again? In particular I found Cece's letter somewhat thought provoking as well as your interaction with all of the participants who sent responses to your E-mail and the Monster.

I'm sorry about the death of your parents. I am only a year younger than you and I know that must have been extremely difficult. You seem entirely to young to not have living parents. I guess, I would never consider you old enough so disregard that. I'm very sorry, it seems unfair. I guess life is sometimes.

I have other thoughts that crossed my mind concerning your site, but not the time to write them. I hope you don't feel that I have intruded on your life in any way, but some how or another, I feel attracted to you, not a sexual attraction, I wouldn't allow that, you've made it quite clear that you are gay, but an attraction to your level of emotion or maybe it is simply that you are one of the only people on that NY Live Journal page that I can identify as being of African Descent, maybe it is because you are close to my age. Maybe I find your journal entries interesting (I do) or maybe I simply have too much time on my hands (I do).

Anyway, I don't want to intrude so if you don't contact me, I won't contact you again or read your journal (you have my word), I just wanted to write the note, because I wanted to send some positive energy in your direction. I think you are fabulous and wonderfully creative. You have a great brain and you're a cutie pie. I love the pictures.

Peace

Bluest

[Afterwords: First of all I am so saddened that eventually Blue and I had a falling out, but even as I read back to this time, I was an emotional mess and I wrote very explicitly about the same. Not to say this is an excuse, but it has been a theme throughout my life that I have been the most self-destructive person towards myself, and many a friendship were the collateral damage of this emotional erratic-ness.

Secondly I whole-heartedly love the care and thoughtfulness of Bluest comments, I really felt seen in her response. True to her word she not only delved into my design work, but my early written works from the early nineties. I give her so much credit because at that time I didn't believe in re-reading anything. I wrote it and that was it.

Typos, sentences that ran on or didn't make a lick of sense. Writing for me at that time was an emotional endeavor and usually left me feeling very emotionally drained, I didn't have it in me to go back and edit what I wrote. But now I have more distance between those emotions and can easily and readily edit the content for better clarity and understanding.

I also love how she saw herself in my description of my family and gave it a greater context. I truly Bluest went on to write more, she had such a natural empathy and an ability to see the bigger picture with a clarity that sometimes even the subject couldn't see.

My schtick is that I have no regrets, but there are pangs of that very alien feeling around our ultimate miscommunications, which I blame in large part on myself. I didn't have the capacity at the time to accept the love she was giving and just receive it. My experience being given unconditional love was a thing of the far past, when my mom was still alive. My grandmother made it clear everything she gave me had a clear condition attached.

Well as a very grown and now well-adjusted adult I say Bluest thank you so much for seeing me when I didn't have the ability to see myself. I was stumbling along attempting to express myself and throwing it up on the wall and seeing what stuck. Its great to see at least in once instance this person finally 'got it' and accepted it, warts and all.]

And here is my response back in two-thousand:

what a beautiful note.

sorry to take so long to get back to you.

i have really been in a zone lately.

tony drama

work drama

me drama

therapy drama.

UGH

i am glad you like my site

i am not happy with the overall design

i like individual sections but i am glad you

liked it. i am really in need of a site overhaul

about design

i dont think i know alot about design

i think i dabble like everyone else does.

but I guess being around creative people

in the work that i do in advertising and marketing

is helpful. seeing what they do influences what i do.

i may not be as skilled as them naturally but i work hard.

i dont consider myself "smart" but lazy. :)

i find easier ways to do things.

i am not "smart" i am blessed as are you.

we are just blessed in different ways.

i always get other ideas from others.

"there is nuthin new under the sun"

and i borrow then make it my own.

but you do for your site as you see best.

death is a part of life

i have known mr. death along time now

so its all good.

it was my parents time

and now they are together again.

i will join them eventually.

everyone is a work in progress.

i know damned well i am.

well Fashion Fag Magazine

actually has a lot more too it then

i have put online.

due to time and my moods

i have not even begun to put

all of it up there.

i am happy to have finally published online

the unpublished issue of FFM

i hope you checked that out.

My whole reason for being online

was to bring this offline publication

to the online community and reach

a different audience.

Cece's letter is a personal favorite

i loved it so much cause it was so honest

and it was hand written so all of it was from the heart

that is amazing. I havent posted the article that she is

responding to yet. That is a good piece too. its called

Rage: Not Easy to articulate

where do you see my age?

are you going by that page on live journal where i lie about

my age as i always do....

don't believe the hype boo :)

about life being fair.

no one ever said that the road would

be easy, you take what your given and you

play it as you see it which is usually the best

way you can...

i dont look at your letter or your interest

in my "so called life" an intrusion i wouldnt put it out there

if i thought it was such.

Oh FYI i love your letter so much i am gonna put it up on

live journal i hope you dont mind i just want it archived somewhere

as soon as i get to the right place i am going to

add a link to my live journal from my site.

Thanks for you words.

I havent really been promoting the site

so its nice to see visitors who stop by and

have really nice things to say about my dabbling

looking to hear from you again

peace&blessings

god bless

love

T

[Photos by Brown Estate]

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