You know, my parents got married on Endor. As in…where the Ewoks live.
And then I was born nine months later.
…Is this anything
Oh, HA HA HA. It’s not happening. The babies, or those names.
…Although, I don’t think I’d mind naming my kid after Anakin. I’ve, uh…looked up to my grandfather throughout my life…in some…different ways…but, as I’ve talked about before, his story means a lot to me. The hope that anyone can choose to make new choices at any time.
I also kinda like the name Jacen? I used to have this friend named Jacen when I was a kid—we would play together when our moms hung out sometimes. He was a few years older than me, and Mom said he was a bad influence. Both him and his family’s droid—what was its name, Chopper or something. I never talked to him again once we got older, but I definitely have some core memories of our playdates. We got into some messes. Heh.
Actually, now that I think about it, he was Twi’lek-human too, like our kids would be. I didn’t really register that as a kid. Like, I had eyes, I could see his mom was Twi’lek, but…he kinda just looked like a human with green hair, so that was always how I saw him I guess.
Hm…I guess Annie could be a girl version of Anakin. Maybe a girl version of Jacen could be, like…uh…I don’t know—Jaina or something. Jaina or Jacen Solo? Or Anakin Solo? Wait Anakin Solo sounds so weird.
Oh, but Fannie would love the name Anakin. For one thing, she’s pretty big on the redemption thing too—I mean, c’mon—she’s marrying me—but…also ‘cause she would probably want to call them Annie, regardless of Annie’s gender. You know. Her thing with the nicknames.
…GOSH dang it how’d you get me thinking about BABY NAMES this is NOT the TIME
Hi, Ben! What do you think to the fact that Darth Vader was actually Anakin in the moments before he died?
Also, have you met someone called Matt the Radar Technician before?
Hey! Thanks for sayin’ hi—right back atcha!
Ah. That is a great question. One that’s become really significant and personally meaningful to me.
I think that Anakin was always Anakin, whether he wanted to be or not. He tried to destroy who he was, and by all visible appearances he succeeded—I mean, even to this day, barely anyone knows or believes in Vader’s true identity. But he could never really forget who he was and who he was meant to be: the core of his being, his innermost spark of humanity. He claimed that Anakin was dead, but it wasn’t a finished murder: it was a continual asphyxiation he perpetuated day by day.
But, in Vader’s final moments, he quit trying to kill Anakin, and stepped once more into who he truly was. In the end, it was Anakin who killed Vader. And you asked me what I think about that, and what I think about that is it’s incredibly relieving to know that there’s always the option to turn yourself around—always. And, if we’ve got any luck…we can do it long before we ever kneel to a dark Emperor and become a Sith Lord, and a scourge of worlds and a terror to the galaxy and all that jizz.
Now, as for your second question…
WHAT. WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT MY COLLEGE IMPROV CLASS. GOOD GRIEF—YOU THROW ON A BLOND WIG AND A PAIR OF GLASSES ONCE AND IT FOLLOWS YOU FOREVER. I had very minimal contact with the UNaboo theatre circle besides that one course, but everyone in the entire drama department started calling me Matt more than my actual freaking name after that…
What's your relationship like with your uncle these days?
How’d you get my mom to stop calling every day? I ask, and his blue eyes crinkle (he has left Tatooine, but still he spends so much of his time outside).
Well, she has to listen to me, Ben. I’m the older twin, you know.
Are you actually?
And he laughs and shakes his head. No—we don’t know who’s older.
I don’t know who’s older, either, but both of ‘em are old—they were old when they were my age; much older than I am now—old enough to mourn their families and watch their childhood homes go up in flames; old enough to watch their comrades die ten feet in front of their faces and too old to break down and cry.
I wonder how they must see me: a half-baked adult, older than they were and yet so much younger, having lived through so much and accomplished so little.
It’s me your mother calls every day, now, Luke explains. Instead of you.
Oh, I say. And I say, Gee, thanks for taking the hit, old man, and then I say, I’m just kidding—thanks, and then I say, You didn’t tell her how you found me lying on my face on the ground by the cliff yesterday, didja?
And he says No, and I say Good, because it would certainly fall into the category of things that would freak my mother out.
I don’t want to die, by the way, I say quickly, because I think he might be thinking it. And then: If anything, I already feel dead—quickly appended with a mortified Don’t tell my mom I said that.
No…I know what you mean, Luke says softly, and the wind riffles through his hair. He closes his eyes and leans into it, and I remember something else he told me, once, that he imagines his father tousling his hair when the wind blows.
And then, you know, I wonder why it works like that—why I’ve got so many issues with my family when I’m lucky enough to still have ‘em—is that really how it goes? Will I have to lose them before I love them half as much as I should?
And I think about Anakin, because I’m pretty sure I’ve met him, now—one night on Ryloth six or seven months ago, and I think I’ve met him since—but for some reason I don’t quite want to tell my uncle about it and I’m not sure why—
—but then I wonder if he doesn’t already know, because there’s something in the way that old man smiles that makes you think he knows a lot more than you’ve ever told him.
Do you think things ever get better? I ask.
What do you mean, Ben?
Well, because it seems like things do get better…but then they get worse. And maybe they get better again, but then they get worse again, too. Just makes me wonder why I’m still trying.
Followed again by: Don’t tell my mom I said that.
And Luke smiles a wry smile and tells me that there was once a year in his youth in which he dressed only in black and in which his thoughts were much the same and that he once went to the Emperor and essentially asked for death. It takes a lot to scare me, Ben.
Good, I say. ‘Cause I can get pretty scary.
I know you can, he says, and I grimace.
But so can I, he adds.
I don’t know what he means. I’m not sure I want to ask.
Even if things do get worse after they get better, Luke says, answering my question, we must not succumb to the darkness. The Jedi are warriors of light. Even in this time of peace, the Jedi go to battle every day—against despair, against injustice, against apathy.
I’m not a Jedi, I say.
Oh, I know you’re not.
Do you think the Sith will return? I ask disinterestedly.
And Luke says something that shocks me:
Oh, I know they will.
I stare at him, too stunned to say anything. How does he know this? Has he seen a vision of the future? Has he learned something of Snoke? Will there be another war? Why isn’t he afraid?
Then Luke smiles again, and says something else, like he’s telling me a secret:
Well—more accurately, they don’t know that Anakin Skywalker ended up becoming…you-know-who.
People do know that Mom and Uncle Luke were, y’know—Skywalker and Amidala’s forbidden love babies. Oh, they eat that crap up. Mom had to hire legal counsel when one of the big networks started planning a soap opera that very suspiciously mirrored our family history.
Anyway…the general belief is that Anakin Skywalker was murdered by Darth Vader, along with the rest of the Jedi that died in the great purge. Mom told me that story, too.
It was Uncle Luke who finally told me different.
...I don’t know what would happen if the public found out about my granddad. It wouldn’t be good—that’s for sure.
What I remember most about your grandfather was how passionate he was. He burned with a white hot intensity, for better or for worse.
When the Civil War was over and we all found out he had become Vader and betrayed the Republic…it was difficult to reconcile that with the young man I knew. It still is. I can’t imagine what drove him to that point. I can imagine that it wasn’t anything good.
The war was hard on us all. I wish he would have spoken up. Asked for help. Any of his friends would have been there for him.
I’m so sorry we didn’t notice him slipping. The final days of the Clone Wars were…a lot. But that’s not an excuse.
My heart breaks for the burden he has put onto your family.
(My species lives longer than humans—so yes i’m old haha)
-W
…It scares me, how much your version of his story reminds me of some of the things I’ve been through.
I don’t want to believe that I’m as like him as my mom seems to fear I am. But…
Can someone really change so suddenly?
I…haven’t heard from Snoke, since I told my parents about dreaming about him again and I had to move back home. Mom is pretty relieved that he’s leaving me alone again, but I’m not so sure…
Not that I’m about to tell her that. Things are easier, now that she feels like I’m safe.
I thought he had lost interest in me, after he first tried to win me and failed. But…I wonder if he wasn’t just biding his time, waiting to get me where he wanted me—after all, it was because I hadn’t heard from him in so long that my mom let me move away to Naboo for college. And then, after I had spent a few years there, it was my newfound taste for independence that he exploited to keep me from telling her about him—
…No, no; I’m working on taking responsibility for my own actions, here—it was less that he exploited it, and more that he was testing me, I think—testing me to see how much I had let my guard down, how much I was willing to conceal from my family again…
And now I wonder if he hasn’t just goaded me back into the place where he wants me. I don’t know why he would want to drive me back home, to bring me closer to my parents and my sister and my uncle when it would make more sense for him to try and isolate me…but at this point, I’m hesitant to interpret his silence as retreat. It may just as well mean he’s already accomplished what he wanted to, for the time being.
It has also occurred to me that he might not have any sort of plan after all. Maybe he’s just…toying with me.
…Anyway. I appreciate you sharing what you have, about my…about Anakin. Maybe someday I can get to a place where thinking about him doesn’t terrify me so much.
*unwillingly paid for by The Chommell Sector Daily
@mal-is-tall @hey-its-starface Yeah…brandishing a lightsaber (even an unpowered one) at my uncle was not one of my sanest moments. But...uh...look on the bright side...no one got hurt??
Oh, Force no! I’ve been at home. My home, I mean. On Naboo. As shocking as this may be to you, I’ve actually never been involuntarily hospitalized. I mean, they did hold me for a bit after I ran away from home that one time, but—not since then. (Jury's still out on whether this is a good or bad thing—just kidding—maybe)
It...actually doesn't seem like Luke's told anyone what happened. He definitely hasn't told my mom. Because if he had told my mom—well, I would've found out pretty quickly.
I don't know why Luke hasn't told anyone. Maybe he feels bad for me. Maybe he doesn't actually believe I'm a threat (is that better or worse than my mom seeming to fear l am?).
Or, maybe, it's a strategic play. And Luke's just trying to keep this in his back pocket for as long as possible, so he can lay down his sabacc card at just the right moment. That's what Snoke thinks, anyway. Not that I give a womprat's tail what Snoke thinks—but, it's a thought, isn't it?
I did apologize to Luke for...for holding out the saber like that. I know that was pretty uncool of me.
But...l also told him I never want to speak to him again. Which is kind of a shame, because before all of this happened, I was actually getting to the point of maybe wanting to tell him I was having dreams about Snoke—but oh well never mind I guess!!!
@baconbirdie Ha. Yeah. I agree.
Snoke had warned me that the Jedi have a narrow-minded way of looking at things. That, if there was a choice to be made, between me and—and, like, the light side or whatever—that Luke would choose the Force over me. That Fannie would, too, as Luke has instructed her to. And I ignored him, because I figured he was just trying to psych me out, like usual, but…well, I’ll be paying a little more attention in the future.
I’m not saying that that makes Snoke right about everything. But…I think it does make him right about some things. I’m a little more open to hearing to what he has to say, is what I’m saying.
Don’t freak out. I haven’t forgotten what Snoke did to me. I still hate him for that. But, you know what they say. Even a stuck chronometer is right twice a day.
...Yeah. I can't pretend anymore that this isn't happening. Maybe, if I had continued meditating consistently like Luke taught me to do, Snoke wouldn’t have been able to start reaching me again…
...Well, I can't pretend to myself anymore, I mean. But I'll pretend to my family all day!!
You fought in the Clone Wars? Wow, you must be, like—seventy-something years old! Wait, you know how to use the HoloNet??
Sorry that was rude—
Anakin... I don't ever think about Anakin Skywalker much. My mom raised me to see Bail Organa as my grandfather. She hates her birth father, in a way that makes me worry—in my darkest moments—that she might secretly hate me too.
I know a lot about Darth Vader. Darth Vader was my hyperfixation between the ages of twelve to sixteen. But...I know very little about Anakin. Well—nobody knows very much about Anakin. Most of the holorecords on him seem to have been wiped. He almost...doesn't seem real.
...You think he would have been proud of me?
...Well. That'd make someone, I guess.
Uuurgghh I don't wanna go back to therapy! I already did therapy!! I graduated from therapy!!! (Yes I know that's not how that works I'm just kidding)
...I guess you're right, though. I've just...been trying not to think about everything for the past week, and I know that can only get me so far.
And maybe you're right about...about anger. I do struggle with that. I mean, that's no secret or surprise to anyone. I just...feel kinda scared a lot of the time, and…I'd so much rather be mad than scared.
And you're right about not basing your self-worth on others. I may have been avoiding thinking about my problems this past week, but I did decide on one thing—I'm not the freaking problem, Luke is, and someone needs to tell Fannie she doesn't need to let him decide how she wants to live her life. Especially if the way she wants to live her life is with me.
@bookishbrigitta
Auntie Malla? Oh, for kriff's sake! You just want me to look like a total idiot for not having practiced my Shyriiwook in like, seven years—buddy, I'm tellin' ya, she will have my hide—it’s tragic, really; Chewie doesn’t know this, but ever since I left home I’ve been relying more and more on body language and context clues and my dad’s half of the conversation to understand what they’re talking about—it’s so bad—
But...actually? I don't think I've ever flown out to Kashyyyk on my own before. I've been there since I moved out, yeah, for Life Day and stuff—but, always with my family.
And...always with Uncle Luke. But now that I've decided I'm never speaking to Luke ever again…well, who knows where I'll be this Life Day.
...Yeah. Maybe I'll plan a little trip.
…Welp. Time to redownload Duro’lingo and start up my Shyriiwook streak.
My parents have requested that I come back home this weekend to watch Rey, so that they can have some “mom-and-dad time.”
…I so wish they wouldn’t still call it that.
Rey's usual babysitters (these two girls my mom knows, who are sisters, I guess) aren't available for the full weekend, which is why I'm coming over. But they're gonna take her trick-or-treating for Halloween, and they said I'm invited.
Rey’s thirteen, for Force’s sake. Turning fourteen next month, actually. Isn’t that a little old for trick-or-treating? I mean, sure, she grew up on the side of a rock for the first seven years of her life—but does she not know that she can just…go to the store the day after Halloween and get tons of candy for half off???
Anyway. Rey said she’s gonna dress up as Emperor Palpatine.
“Isn’t that a little...soon?” I asked, alarmed.
“What do you mean? He died over twenty years ago!”
“Yeah, like just a little before I was born, kid!”
“Exactly!”
I asked Mom and Dad if they found this in any way concerning. I was then brutally roasted with a fifteen-minute presentation and slideshow about how I dressed up as Darth Vader for five Halloweens in a row.
Bottom line—yes, my parents are slightly disturbed. But, their perturbation is largely eclipsed by the amusement that their grown-up problem child Sees How It Feels Now.
The CIS had just attacked Coruscant and kidnapped Palpatine (in what we all now know was self inflicted BS). Almost everyone from the Outer Rim had been called in to help, including me, and including your grandfather and Obi-Wan.
Afterwards, I saw him on the ground. I asked if he was okay. He said he was and I took him at his word. He asked if I was okay and I said I was. Then I went back to the Outer Rim.
He looked tired. But we were all tired so I didn’t think anything of it.
Obi-Wan had gone to fight General Grievous. Ahsoka had left the Order. Rex on Mandalore (I think). He must have felt very alone. I’ve often wondered if that played a part in it.
When I heard about the Purge, I figured they all were dead, including your grandfather. When I heard about this new guy in the Rebellion named “Luke Skywalker,” I figured he was, like, a cousin or something. Especially since the Jedi weren’t really allowed to have kids!
With the timing, he must have fathered the twins during the last hours of the War. I wonder if knowing about them would have stopped him from turning, or if it would have made his stress worse. The galaxy was in a bad shape to bring kids into.
-W
You know…it used to be that when I heard stories about the old days, I felt a sense of relief that I never had to live through those times and that things aren’t like that anymore. The Empire is gone. The Jedi have returned. There is hope in the galaxy again. That’s what I was always told as a kid.
Now that I’m not a kid…I’m seeing that it isn’t so simple. I spend the weekdays with Mom, watching her try to wade through New Republic drama, and the weekends with Luke, watching him try to rebuild the Jedi community.
I haven’t talked about Uncle Luke in a while. I think I told you…around Life Day, when I talked to him for the first time after the…saber…incident, I noticed that he seemed kind of troubled and distant.
I haven’t asked him about it directly, but I’ve been able to piece things together. I think things are harder for him now that his first generation of students is grown-up, and it seems like a lot of his relationships with them have grown complicated.
Amalia is no longer a Jedi, and has not spoken to him in years. Fannie is definitely a Jedi, but last year she decided that even though she respects Luke, she must use her own discernment instead of relying on his. Deirak, Fannie’s Jedi school sweetheart, is not only a Jedi, but a Jedi teacher—but Deirak and Luke disagree on a doctrinal standpoint, because Deirak is a Jedi traditionalist whereas Luke’s approach has been Jedi reform. Meliko, Fannie’s former apprenticer, is also a Jedi teacher—and while she seems to hold to the same ideas as Luke, they disagree on execution—she thinks that the Jedi school model, where students must come to Ossus to learn, is less accessible than if the Jedi roamed the galaxy as the Force led them and spread their teachings that way.
Others of Luke’s graduated students have left Ossus to pursue the Force’s callings on other planets (like Fannie did). It’s difficult for Luke to stay in contact with all of them. I’m not sure how they’re all doing.
On top of that, he still has to teach his current kids…and as I said before, he and his appointed teachers don’t always agree on the best way to teach them.
And on top of all of that, Luke’s got a sister with one messy grown-up problem child, and his sister is really counting on him to fix that guy—one weekend visit at a time.
I haven’t told Luke how much I’ve observed. I think it’d freak him out. He’s really trying to hold it together. To his credit…I think he’s doing a lot better than most of us would.
I did ask him though if he had someone he felt he could talk to. The little Jedi kids come to the older Jedi kids. The older Jedi kids come to Deirak and Meliko. Deirak and Meliko come to Luke. Who does Luke have to come to?
“I talk to my father often,” Uncle Luke told me, and I saw warmth in his eyes as he thought about his dad.
“Anakin?” I asked, surprised. “Do you, uh…ever hear back from him?”
