avrel-the-teller submitted:
I'd like to submit this fic, which is actually a multichaptered fic that's still ongoing with a different pirate!nation each chapter. Yeah. The writing quality is decent, but it gets really creepy at times, especially Germany's chapter. The author also tends to throw in random phrases from different languages without even bothering to give a translation in the author's notes. It also tends to slip between tenses every now and then.
[Since the submitter linked us to the Germany chapter, I'll review that one. I'm assuming that by the time I'm done we'll pretty much be able to guess how the rest of it reads.]
AHAHAHAHA HEY GUYS. I JUST, LAIK, TOTALLY FINISHED FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: BROTHERHOOD AND AM BAWLING.
Greed...I will honor you forever. Your end was full of dignity and you finally got what you were looking for.
;w; HE'S JUST SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.
[...Why.... would you start your piece... talking about another series entirely? That makes absolutely no--
OH GOD, GUYS, GUESS WHAT?! I READ 59 AND 60 OF ONE PIECE AND OOOOOH MY GOD, IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING, AND ACE AND LUFFY AND-- What? A review? What are you talking about a revie-- Oh. I-I'm so sorry, I don't know what that was. L-let's just move on, shall we?]
...oh yeah, this is pirate!Germany, by the way. Because Lupiniun Star asked me to do him. ...heh. Do him. Therefore, Star, I'll be continuing the raep circle from the RP onto this chapter. And I won't be continuing it with just you - EVERYONE who reads this chapter will feel GerMANLY's smex.
[Wait, so this is based off an rp, and it's a readerinsert, so... it's basically a selfinsert, or in this case, what seems to be a... friendinsert. Because I've always wanted my friends to write me into their smut fantasies. Yeah. *shudder*]
And plus, I laik dem Germans.
[I laik dat English a lotz 2.]
...I AM THE QUEEN OF BDSM!GERMANY. JUST ASK STAR. I FUCKING OWN HIM. HE LIVES IN MY CLOSET. WITH HIS WHIPS. AND HIS CHAINS. AND HIS HANDCUFFS.
[How is any of this relevant!? I'm sorry, but all I'm getting from this are scarring mental images that I'm not likely to forget. Can we please just get a move on, already? Yeesh...]
(Maybe I should rate this fic M from now on? XD Since this chapter is slightly one level down from pointless smut...SO SHOOT ME, I'M BORED. This stuff is too fun to write when you're bored...
But seriously, just a warning, this is a bit...well, let's just say Luddy has his whip and he's dead drunk. If you want to skip this chapter, that's fine~ I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.)
You had never thought that a pirate captain could have such a case of obsessive compulsive disorder. Especially one who happened to be the king of the European seas; one who was known as the cruelest and most lethal battlers every to have walked the deck of a ship. You also could have never imagined a pirate captain to be so obsessed with work - that is, balancing his checkbook, working tirelessly each night over countless piles of paperwork...
Not the usual killing, raping, pillaging, stealing, and other treacherous deeds that go hand in hand with being a ruthless pirate.
[Pirates have checkbooks. That's news to me.
Oh god, is this over yet? The passive sentence structure is just awks, and there's nothing about this that makes me want to meet Ludwig. You'd think an OCD, workaholic "ruler of the European seas" would at least tease my interest a little bit, but this just makes him sound like most boring pirate since the Pirate Who Don't Do Anything. And at least they're funny!]
Then again, it was Ludwig Beilschmidt that you were talking about. So...it wasn't exactly that much of a surprise when you walked into his cabin one night to tell him that the ship was almost at the port, and you found him furiously scribbling illegible words onto sheets upon sheets of paper.
"...honestly, Ludwig?" You stared at him with raised eyebrows, crossing your arms and tapping your foot in agitation. Ludwig was a lethal and ruthless German who had quickly climbed to the top of the pirate monarchy in just a few short years. He accepted both male and female sea dogs into his crew - thus, why you were standing in his quarters completely unharmed at the moment, being that most seafarers didn't exactly condone women being on ships. However, despite Ludwig's outside personality he showed to his enemies of being violent and having a tendency to throw orders left and right, he really did have a good heart.
...which, unfortunately, seemed to be coupled with the unnecessary need to continuously do paperwork every chance he got.
[I guess the writing isn't terrible, it's certainly not the worst I've ever seen, especially on this blog, BUT THE GODDAMN STORY. If most of the crew members aren't okay with a woman being on the ship, wouldn't it be even more prudent to carry a weapon? What happens when the rest of the shipmates decide they've had enough of me and want to take their toll? Apparently I'll be bending over and submitting since I'll have no other way to protect myself against a ship full of people who may or may not want to do questionable things to me. Great.
And Ludwig, just-- How does having a good heart mean he wants to do paperwork all the time? Bringing up his morals in contrast to what we've been told about him would make him more likely to show mercy on the rare occasion or treat his crew with surprising respect, not bury his goddamn nose in the book and spend all his time pencil pushing.]
Your captain apparently hadn't heard your entrance. Continuing to scribble like a madman, he mumbled something in German that you didn't quite catch and took a swig of his large beer mug. Ludwig's usually slicked back blonde hair was a tad messy, and his bright blue eyes were slightly bloodshot. You could tell that either he was drunk or on his way to being drunk, which didn't come as a surprise as well.
Just an average day for Captain Luddy, You smirked and sauntered over to his desk, rapping on it twice with your knuckles. The burly German finally looked up at you with halfway intelligent eyes. "Oh, (name)," He mumbled in that deep tone of his. It was definitely somewhat slurred, showing signs of obvious intoxication. Oh boy. This was not going to be fun.
"You're doing it again, aren't you?" You asked with a sigh. "Overworking yourself. Going over our taxes and everything. What kind of pirate worries about taxes? Honestly, Captain, it's a bit odd. I understand you want to ensure the crew has enough pay, but you do too much. Haven't you ever thought of sitting back and taking a break?"
[ASLDJFALSKFJASDF DID "I" JUST HAVE A RATIONAL THOUGHT?! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE. "I" understand that a pirate captain worrying about taxes is shit load of crap?! I-I can't even-- Let's move on and hope that I can retain this wonderful notion of common sense!]
"Vhy do you look even prettier than usual?" Ludwig asked with a slight gleam in his eyes, completely ignoring your small rant. It was at that moment that you realized his green overcoat was unbuttoned at the top to revel his toned chest, and his usual pants were discarded on the floor, leaving only his black under garments.
...Okay, maybe this was going to be fun.
[No, wait, there it goes. "Screw that my captain who can easily overpower me is completely shithoused and most likely unable to control his strength or his actions at this point, I WANT FUCKED." I weep for "myself."]
You had never admitted it to anyone, but you had always been attracted to the German captain. He was handsome, a hard worker (although sometimes to the point of TOO much), had conquered quite a vast stretch of territory...yes, Ludwig Beilschmidt was indeed a successful pirate lord, and you were looking for something a bit more in your mundane existence. And that something more just so happened to be Ludwig himself. Maybe, if you were lucky, tonight would be the night.
[In the entire first half of this story, nothing new about Ludwig has been revealed since the first two paragraphs. Just thought I'd point that out.]
"Hm, I'm not sure, Captain," You purred, placing your hand on his left arm and squeezing to feel the tight muscles bunched up underneath that pesky sleeve of his. Locking your (e/c) eyes with his bright blue ones, you leaned forward slightly and whispered in a taunting tone, "Perhaps you should find out."
[NO. NO. NO. Never in a million years would I seduce a drunk Germany! Never in a million years would I seduce a drunk anyone! This is just asking for trouble! Why, dammit, why!?]
"I plan to," Ludwig growled deep in the back of his throat, grabbing your arms and pinning them at your sides. You couldn't help but make a small noise in the back of your throat, even though you had kind of brought this upon yourself. You had seen Captain Ludwig get into this state before - when he was drunk, it was just easier to...switch on his "on" button, so-to-speak. When Ludwig got like this, he was practically every woman's dream:
A sex god come to life in the compact packaging of a diehard sexy German.
[I've never seen rape described quite like that before. BT]
"(Name)," Ludwig breathed into your ear, leaning down and making sure his hot breath practically scalded the sensitive skin on your temple. He smelled like beer, sweat, and that very expensive cologne he stole from a certain French pirate not so long ago. The lovely aroma almost sent you into an intoxicated daze. "I've been finding myself a bit overvorked lately...Perhaps you vould like to assist me vith that. Ja?"
"Ja," You whispered, closing your eyes as the German holding you captive (figuratively speaking) slowly steered you to his bed, setting you down on the mattress gently and making his way over to his closet. The ship lurched slightly at that moment, causing you to yelp in surprise and lose your balance and tip over on your side.
"Damn dummkopfs," Ludwig snarled under his breath, steadying himself by grabbing hold of his dresser. "Vatch vhere you are steering ze ship, morons!" He yelled in an ear shattering roar, his loud voice most likely carrying throughout the entire sea vessel.
[Can I pause here for a moment? Accents. I'm not saying they're bad (I use them myself in script roleplay when I find myself in Germany's shoes) but in this case, they're not really doing anything to the story. The hard v's and z's aren't so different from the English it's written in that you have to take any time to sound it out, so it leaves them being rather pointless and awkward looking. Save it for a character who really slurs their words or talks in another dialect completely.]
You laughed nervously and just waited for what was about to happen.
You knew that you probably should have more shame, but honestly...you had been a part of Captain Ludwig's crew for about four years now. You were past the age of being an official adult, and you had needs as well. If men were allowed to slake their carnal thirst while on a voyage, why couldn't a woman? Was it so wrong? You thought not - you thought it was perfectly all right. And if it was with the captain, well...all the more fun for you, correct?
"Ah, here ve are," You looked up at Ludwig to find him backing away from his closet, holding in his hands what appeared to be...a whip? It was sleek and a pure black, and it looked as if to be in the tiptop shape. The German smirked down at you in his alcohol induced haze and said, "Zis is mein special vhip...I only use it to punish the naughtiest of my crew members." Ludwig suddenly snapped the leather weapon in his hands, making a loud crack noise, and causing you to jump in your surprise. "I haven't used it for quite avhile, now..."
[*casually pretends that "mein" didn't happen* I assumed we were already speaking in German, but apparently we're not. Which begs the question, what language are we speaking? 0.o]
"So it is true," You murmured in resignation as Ludwig slowly advanced towards you. You had always heard rumors that the captain had a fascination with corporeal punishment...and that he had the nasty habit of taking it a bit too far.
Instead of frightening you, like it should have, the sight of the whip coupled with the confirmation of those wicked rumors brought anticipated chills to your spine.
[No. I'm fucking frightened. I don't want some 6 foot something, musclebound German man whipping me, are you fucking crazy?! I'd like to not carry those scars for the rest of my life, if it's all the same to you.]
"How shall I start, (name)?" Ludwig asked in a low voice, taking a fistful of your (h/c) hair and twisting it around his gloved hand. "How shall I punish you?"
"May I ask what I'm being punished for, Captain?" You managed to ask cockily through your breathless voice.
Ludwig let out a dark chuckle and suddenly smashed his lips against yours in an answer, the kiss lasting for only a brief few seconds but conveying so much power and command over you that it made you dizzy with need and want. When he finally pulled away, after biting down on your lip hard enough to draw a little blood of course, he answered, "For being too damn temping...mein kleiner Apfel der Sünde."
[L-ludwig. Luddy, where did you ic!personality go? Please, tell it to come back! I-I miss it...]
You eyes widened as the last bit in German translated itself in your brain. Well, to be fair, you had been around a true German for a few years now. You were bound to pick up a few words in the language at some point.
[BUT ARE WE SPEAKING GERMAN OR NOT!?]
You shivered as Ludwig's gloved hand stroked your cheek, gradually sliding down to squeeze your breast once and then going all the way to your thigh, where it rested there. Taking the tip of your ear into his mouth softly, Ludwig rolled the fleshy piece on anatomy between his tongue and teeth playfully, issuing forth moans from deep within your throat and causing great tremors of lust to shake your entire body. You had only enough time to hope that none of the crew members would take that moment to look inside Captain Ludwig's cabin when he suddenly was on top of you, his lean and hard body pressing against your supple and lascivious one seductively.
"Vill you scream mein namen vhen I punish you?" Ludwig asked with a wicked smile, taking his whip and running the soft tip down the length of your body. He must have known it was ticklish, for the soft and fluttery sensation made you writhe under him and choke out some whimpers. "Answer me, (name)," Ludwig pressed his knee between your thighs and pushed, making your eyesight disappear into a white mass of nothingness for a moment. It felt way too good to be real. It felt like you had somehow died and gone to heaven.
"Y-yes," You choked out, hips bucking slightly when Ludwig began to touch every inch of your body devilishly. He seemed to know exactly every corner of your being that would make you cry out in want. As if he had experienced you before. This, you knew, was highly unrealistic...unless the both of you had been dead drunk. Then...yes, that could have happened.
[Why am I such a slut? I worry about my future...]
"Was?" Ludwig asked with a smirk. "I did not quite catch zat, (name)."
"I'll scream your name, Captain," You managed to answer before erupting in another moan as he placed dangerous kisses all against your neck and collarbone. It didn't help that Ludwig was sucking and biting every chance he got, either. "I'll scream it..."
"Call me 'Master', (name)," He instructed against your throat.
"Gutes Mädchen," Ludwig chuckled again and pulled away from you, much to your dismay. The tall German brought himself to stand up and over you, black whip in hand. "Lay on your stomach," He commanded, slapping the whip against his hand in impatience. Much like a teacher would with a ruler when dealing with an impertinent child.
"Yes, Captain," You whispered, knowing there was no going back now.
"Ah-ah-ah," The captain waggled his finger in admonishment. "Vhat did I tell you to call me?"
"Yes, Master," You corrected yourself, flipping onto your stomach and staring straight ahead at the German flag that Ludwig kept hanging on his wall in front of his bed. The brown, red, and orangey colors made you feel calmer, somehow. "Are you going to punish me now, Master?" You asked in a completely innocent and childish tone.
[Master, Captain, is there really that much of a difference in this situation? I mean, if I'm going to be a whore and get "punished" by Luddy dear anyway, then I think I should be allowed to call him whatever the hell I want. Especially when Captain is already a lofty title.
Um, and why did no one ever tell the author that the colors of the German flag are RED, BLACK, AND GOLD!? Seriously, where the fuck did she get brown and orange from!? GOOGLE THAT SHIT, DAMMIT.]
You already knew the answer, however.
"Ja," Ludwig answered with an amused chuckle. "Ja."
The only warning you got was the sound of air being sliced and cut apart but some wickedly sharp thing flying through the air before a stinging pain blossomed all over your backside. You cried out in shock, arching your back upwards as the pain quickly gave way to pleasure. It was shocking how something so bad could feel so good. You grabbed fistfuls of blanket and pillow with your clenched hands and said through gritted teeth, "A-Ah...! M-Master...Ludwig...more! Punish...punish me more!"
"That's vhat I vanted to hear, Mädchen," Ludwig whispered, readying his whip once again. "Now don't be shy - scream as loud as you vant."
That night, you found out that not only did Captain Ludwig Beilschimdt tends to drink heavily when he feels overwhelmed by paperwork, but it also sends him into a drunken state in which he craves only one thing and one thing only: a masochistic victim for his own sadistic pleasures.
And you were the perfect candidate for that particular role.
[No-- why-- don't just put people in these kinds of positions! D: From what you go on to say, this hasn't been a rated M piece so far! Imagine what your poor readers thought when they saw that you'd updated, only for right-the-fuck-out-of-nowhere BDSM sex to greet them! Sure, it's some people's kink, but it's not something that an xreader should be made out of!]
...Yep, I'm rating this fic M from now on. Although I don't think I'll get as dirty and out of hand as I did for this...and the Prussia one, too. THAT was like...whoa. What, I'm a Prussia whore, we all know that by now. :D
SO STAR, HOW'D YOU LIKE MY CONTINUATION OF THE RAEP CIRCLE? At least this time you weren't going commando...maybe...are you commando in this? I hope not. :3
[Does it really matter if I was commando or not? I was sexed up just the same... Besides, you're the author of this delightful little piece, so you tell me.]
Who's next, guys~? Pirate!Spain or pirate!America? Or maybe I'll do Japan...although that one may be kind of difficult. I think I'll go with Spain. Yeah, Spain. Now to get an idea...
Hope you enjoyed my twisted mind (seriously, I've stumbled upon so much smut on this site and have dabbled into it on my own so frequently that it doesn't even affect me anymore XD) and thank you for reading~
Maybe the next chapter will actually have more of a pirate plot rather than sexy sexy seduction time. But I laik sexai sexai seduction time.
[I laik that we're done with this piece.
Ugh, right okay, so onto closing remarks. The writing in this piece isn't awful, and I wouldn't mind seeing something they did that wasn't an xreader or rated M. There's a lot of passive structures that could be reworded to give the story a more lively feel, and the gratuitous German just needed to not exist, but it definitely could've been worse.
It's just the plot that hurts me. I'm not knocking this kink, and in certain situations, I find it rather enjoyable myself. Just not like this. This is just awkward and strange and I can't identify with the "main character" so it's almost like I'm looking in on someone else's bad experience. Xreaders are bad enough, but when they include smut, it's just too much.]
~Jussuls
