Hello! It’s the writer-friend again!
I come with a tiny update—I made it to 13k words in that story I was working on! Which is… a lot higher than I expected, actually, given my habit of jumping ship when things get heavy in my writing. There’s still some of that lingering doubt, that hesitation to push onward, but I’m maintaining my steady pace despite it all.
Your comparison of doubt to the “Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz” left me stunned. I never once thought about it in such a way! But now that you pointed it out, that is exactly how it feels—because the voice of doubt is so thunderous and loud, it’s easy to cower before it and listen and believe the words it says. When, in reality, it really is just a small, hurt part of oneself that just wants to keep us safe. That wants to protect and shield us from getting hurt… by hurting us before anyone else can.
Because doubt, I think, is hurtful, in a way.
It yearns to protect us from possible rejection and invisibility by bullying us into thinking that what we’re creating is bad… so as to stop us from continuing. To stop us from reaching the end and sharing it, just in case what we made is met with rejection, scorn, or anything of the sort. Doubt is a frightened little man shouting into a microphone, but doubt is also a bully—one that’s been burned before and never wants to be burned again, but a bully nonetheless.
“You’re just mediocre. No one cares. Maybe you should wait until you’re better—whatever better even means.”
Those are exactly the kind of things that would come out of a bully’s mouth. Doubt wants to protect us… but it just ends up doing the most damage in the end instead.
Doubt also just needs to be gently embraced and cared for.
Because, at the end of the day, that’s a part of us that just doesn’t want to get hurt anymore.
You have a downright remarkable way of somehow ripping me right open and being able to see into the deepest reaches of my heart and soul that even I sometimes try to avoid. The thoughts and feelings I keep close to my chest. You have a way of identifying them… and gently offering them room to breathe. I really care about this. I want it to matter and I’m afraid it won’t. I’m afraid of my own ability or lack thereof—this hit so close to home, because I’ve said it to myself so many times. I really care about this… but who else will? I think about that a lot. Too many times to count, actually.
But I’m trying. Not to cut the doubt down with any sort of blade… but to comfort it instead.
You’re an incredible person and an amazing writer, and I’m so grateful that you’ve taken the time to respond to all of these. It’s helped me so much more than I can express with words. From the bottom of my heart—thank you so, so much. <3
Wohoo! I am so happy to hear about your progress. That is incredible. Please do pat yourself on the back because 13K words is a major accomplishment.
I'm so glad my reflections helped. Many of the things we fight against are rarely what we think. We assume because the inner critic is loud and brash and mean, it must be authoritative when, in truth, it is just scared. I find most things can be solved --in writing that is-- by simply responding to any blocks as a signal from some part of yourself. Some part that may be hopeful, afraid, insecure, vulnerable, maybe. I'm not a huge proponent of pushing past those parts or criticizing them.
I find it's a lot kinder simply to say, "Oh, you're here again." No getting subsumed by it. No overly identifying with it. Just noticing. I suppose I'm just talking about self-compassion. That's all this is. Just the recognition that whatever is going on within you makes sense. Nothing is going wrong.
This is something I used to walk through with writing clients and students (I used to be a writing consultant and editor). Even 9-10 years later, I'm still less interested in what's going on on the page, and more interested in what is going on with you, the writer. Whatever is going on in you is almost always going to show up on the page. Attend to that, with kindness, and the page resolves itself.
Writing is a vulnerable thing. It's a hard thing sometimes (I suppose because it requires for us to meet ourselves in all our forms), so the utmost of kindness is needed.
I hope you're proud of what you created. You should be. You've done a major thing and faced a real block/fear. That's nothing to skip over.
