“Alex…” Jo interrupts, her hand slowly curing round his, the one resting on her bump. He can feel his lips trembling as the tears he’d fought so hard to keep at bay begin to fall.
"I put glow in the dark stars up.” He whispered. "So she can't be dead."
On one of the rare occasions, Alex and Jo’s days off don’t coincide, Alex finds himself wishing for a six-hour surgery, hell he’d rather be removing splinters than deciding between lemon sherbet and soft daffodil. To say he was excited about the impending arrival of their second child would be an understatement but completing the ridiculously long list Jo had left him to do this morning before rushing off with Robin felt more like torture.
He understood though, with only two months to go everything seemed to pile up on them, the quiet calm they had mistaken for panic when Robin was on the way paled in comparison when they were trying to juggle two full time demanding careers, a new puppy, a new baby and a toddler whose main goal in life seemed to be giving his parents a heart attack with the many hiding places he could find.
And this is how Alex found himself staring into the abyss of a million Amazon boxes that Jo had somehow managed to sneak by him, with various shades of yellow paint cans dotted around.
He understood Jo’s desire to make everything perfect, she’d been that way since she’d stepped out of the loft bathroom over two years ago, her hands shaking as she lifted the test towards him clearly displaying two lines. He swears they both had good intentions when Robin was born, he wouldn’t be spoiled, there wouldn't be gifts that make up for missing birthdays or missing bedtimes, they’d be honest about mommy and daddy having to work hard for everything they have and yet they couldn’t seem to stop themselves, because the luxury of giving their son and now their daughter everything they’d never had brought more happiness to Jo and Alex then maybe their children would ever understand. There could never be a single second their children doubted how loved and wanted they truly were, so it didn’t matter if their daughter would be in with them for the first few months, her room had to be finished before she arrived.
Their daughter...he smiles at the mere thought of her, their daughter, who likes to kick when their reading Robins bedtime stories, or plays the guitar on Jo’s rib cage until Alex sings along softly with her in the early hours of the morning, their daughter who’d refused to make herself seen for the first two scans.
It’s only when Alex finishes the last coat of soft daffodil that he hears the faint ringing of his phone above the radio. Shuffling down the ladder he wipes the back of his hand on his shirt as he hears the familiar ringtone sound again making Alex frown as he manages to navigate his way through the maze of boxes he's built around himself.
There’s a slight twitch in his chest as he begins down the stairs hearing his phone fall quiet only to start up again seconds later. He finds it still plugged in by the coffee machine where he’d left it, glancing at the screen to see he had twelve missed calls and three voicemails.
There's a definite twitch in his chest now as he clicks play on Jo's first voicemail, his lips twitching up at the sound of Robin's singing. They sounded like they were still in the car as Jo listed off a few more things she needed him to do.
"Hey, sorry I know you said not to go overboard but there are two more deliveries coming today so make sure to listen out for them and oh oh...if you get a chance to go grocery shopping we need...well we need pretty much everything but get me those cupcakes with the oranges on them and oh erm..." She paused after taking a slightly heavy breath. "I do not feel great today, maybe I can get someone to take over my surgeries. Oh and don’t forget to get the box of baby clothes down from the attic will you...okay... I love you, Alex, I’ll call you later."
He frowned quickly, bypassing the message Meredith had left, assuming it was whatever love triangle tragedy she had that day. He finds Jo's second message. There was no greeting to this one, only Jo's panicked voice.
"Why aren’t you answering the phone Alex? What’s the point of having one if you don’t ever answer it?”
His phone beeped again, signalling another message had been left, this time from Meredith again.
"Alex, where the hell are you? You need to be here now. I don't know if Jo is trying not to worry you but Carina is having her admitted so get over here before I leave work and drag you here myself.”
He felt his heart begin to drop in his chest as he hit replay, trying to piece together what was happening. Before he even knew it his feet were carrying him towards the front door, keys in hand as he rushed out. His entire mind had narrowed in on one simple need: to get to Jo.
He couldn't think of much else as he drove, he doesn’t even remember his route to the hospital he just remembers being at home and then bursting through the doors of Grey Sloan. He was severely out of breath by the time he caught sight of Meredith outside the maternity ward talking quietly with Bailey.
The best thing about Meredith, and what made her excel as a doctor, was that she was damn good in a crisis. So she knew the minute their eyes met that Alex just needed Jo. As soon as he’s within reach she wraps an arm around his shoulder—which felt way too much like condolences for Alex's liking and leads him through the doors where Carina was already waiting. This had to be a mistake. Jo was fine last night. Their daughter was fine last night. He’d felt her kicking as they’d talked. They’d talked about his mom's upcoming visit, and maybe going to see Amber and her family for Christmas or inviting them here.
"—I know. It's awful." Carina mutters her eyes on Jo's chart. The intern beside her nodded in agreement.
"I hope Dr Karev shows up before the ultrasound. She shouldn't have to deal with that alone." The intern responds.
“He’s here,” Carina whispers as she looks up, hearing Alex and Meredith footsteps as she tucks the chart under her arm. “If you can go set up the ultrasound while I talk to him.”
"Of course."
Alex gulps at the sorrow on Carina’s face as she steps closer, it's all too much for him as he averts his gaze down to the floor, his eyes catching on the silver band around his finger, splattered with yellow paint from earlier.
"What's going on?" Alex asks, hearing his voice crack as Meredith drops her hand from his back.
"Alex, you need to take a breath and pull yourself together because right now Jo needs you.”
He doesn't respond to Mer, doesn't even look at her as he raises his gaze back towards Carina, “What’s going on?” He repeats, his voice lower this time.
"Jo's in premature labour. She mentioned a couple of hours ago that she had some pretty bad Braxton Hicks, but then she timed them and they were too close together and too regular. So she paged me, and when I checked her cervix had already begun to open-”
Alex found himself nodding along but Carina’s words soon faded to quiet buzz in his ears. His fingers are already twitching to hold Jo. This couldn’t be happening, not to them. Not now.
"Okay." He whispers his voice dangerously low as he blinks back tears, desperately trying to pull himself together when everything in him was burning. Please don’t do this, please don’t take her from us, please don’t do this to her . He can feel his nails digging into the palm of his hand, the only way he's sure he’s still alive is the dull pain he feels as he takes a deep breath gathering himself slowly. Suddenly his doctor brain kicks in as he begins to ask what they are doing to fix this, listing everything he knew like he wasn’t surrounded by some of the best doctors he knew.
Carina nods, her words still buzzing in Alex’s head as she explains the past couple of hours, Jo’s contractions stopped an hour ago, her cervix hasn't opened any further.
“We’re just waiting to do an ultrasound...it really needs to be done right away.”
“Right...what's the problem then?”
“She’s refusing Alex, won't let anyone near her.”
Alex shakes his head, that's not true. Jo wouldn’t...she would never do anything that could harm their baby. She wouldn’t refuse medical care. He watches as Meredith shoots another look to Carina who sighs, tilting her head in a way that has Alex’s heart dropping into his stomach. “I tried earlier with the stethoscope to find the heartbeat...and was unsuccessful.”
"Alex, do you understand? We couldn't find a heartbeat. Dr DeLuca tried and I did too. Even Jo tried...now she’s refusing the ultrasound, she won’t let anyone touch her."
The childish reaction was quick and automatic. "Maybe you didn’t try hard enough, you didn’t do it right, okay? You know you should check properly.”
Carina took a deep breath. "Alex, I'm sorry. I’m going to do an ultrasound, of course, but…I don't know. It's usually easy to hear it with a stethoscope at twenty-eight weeks. Intrauterine deaths happen and there's not much—"
He felt like he couldn't breathe. His hand was clutching at his chest trying to feel the air filling his lungs but he couldn’t feel a thing as everything went fuzzy again. "Stop. Just shut up. You don’t know Jo. You don’t know our…"
"I'm so, so, s o sorry, Alex," Mer whispered. "I know how much you wanted her."
He felt his eyes burning. "I still want her. And you're wrong because I just felt her kick last night. She was kicking when I sang—she always does that. She does. So she can't be dead."
He chokes on his words. “She’s not...dead.”
There’s a quiet discussion mainly between Carina and Meredith who seems to be answering for Alex as they both guide him towards a door at the end of the corridor:
He has to stand outside the door for a full minute as he tries to get a hold of himself. He doesn’t want his face to show how truly scared he is at this moment.
When he does finally gather himself enough to step into the room he notices how the curtains were pulled, blocking almost all of the sunlight from the otherwise dark room. Jo was curled up onto her side, her entire body tucked protectively around Robin's sleeping frame. She hadn't even lifted her head or made a move to turn when the door shut behind Alex, and that terrified him so deeply that he couldn't even move. It had all suddenly gotten very real.
He walked slowly around the bed so he could see her face, he needed to meet her eyes or he’d never believe any of this was true. But as he rounded the bed he was met with her blank stare, blinking slowly as she took in his form.
"Robin needs to go home. I don't want him to have to see any more of this." She said quietly. She made no move to speak about what was going on. She was emotionless and it terrified him. Suddenly flashbacks of the first time he’d ever seen her look so shut down came to mind. When she’d first met her biological mother. When she’d shut down and left him out in the cold. He wasn’t sure he could survive it back then, he’d needed her so much but now he was certain he’d never survive without her.
Alex turned his focus to his son, who was asleep with his face scrunched up against Jo’s chest, his chubby hands resting on the swell of her stomach.
"I can get Mer to take him home with her." He told Jo quietly, he couldn't find any other words to say, it seemed neither could she.
Jo just nods in response but makes no effort to move. Alex could tell by her hand curling tighter around Robin's back that she wasn’t quite ready to let him go yet.
He’s not sure how much time passes next, as he takes a seat carefully on the edge of the bed. Reaching out gingerly to run his hands softly across Jo's cheek. And it’s in that moment when their eyes meet, his thumb tracing the already dried tear tracks down her face that they break. She lifts her right arm gathering a handful of his shirt tightly pulling him closer, pressing her cheek against his chest so she could hear his steady heartbeat. She doesn't say anything and for a second she’s silent before the sob she must’ve been holding back erupts from her and Alex can feel the tears begin to soak through his T-shirt. He feels powerless, all he can do is keep a steady arm wrapped around his wife holding her tightly to him. That was what hurt him the most about this. He couldn't do anything to take her pain away. He couldn’t fix this.
“Jo…Jo Carina is waiting to do an ultrasound…we need…we need to be sure.” Alex sighs trying to keep his tears at bay as she continues to shake in his arms. “Why won’t you let her help?”
"I didn't want anyone else." She finally admits, loosening her grip enough that he can see her face, her lips trembling as she speaks. The sight alone sends another sharp stab through Alex’s heart. "I didn't want anyone. I wanted you. I wanted—I wanted you to make it better."
Alex nods, wishing with everything in him that he could make any of this better. He lets out a shaky breath as Jo settles back down so her head was resting on his chest, her face pressing into his collarbone. He knows it is selfish, he knows it might kill them both but he can’t help reaching out over Robin's little body and pressing his hand to her stomach. He waits a moment…before pressing again, still waiting to feel the usual response. He hears Jo's breath hitch as she too waits for the little nudge of their daughter's feet, he knows she’s usually responded by now but he waits, he just keeps waiting. He thinks sort of him will always be waiting for that little kick…he thinks this moment might be frozen in time. Not us. This happens to people, but not us. Maybe it wasn’t fair to think like that, after all, every day he sees the worst card parents could ever be handed in life and yet he says the same lines about support groups and doing everything he could and not once did he think he’d ever need to hear those words.
He doesn’t know how long he keeps his hand there just waiting. "I just finished painting the nursery. I went with soft daffodils but if you prefer lemon sherbet we can change it…we can pick whatever colour you want, and I know I said we didn’t need a new crib but if you want that fancy one we’ll-“
“Alex…” Jo interrupts, her hand slowly curling around his own on her bump. He can feel his own lips trembling as the tears he’d fought so hard to keep at bay begin to fall.
"I put glow in the dark stars up.” He whispered. "So she can't be dead."
There’s no logic to what he said. There’s no truth to his reasoning but he believes it. Jo winces at his words or more likely one word in particular. He feels her drag his hand down to where Robin's tiny hands rest, a little reminder of what they still have.
Alex moves closer to them, pulling Robin gently onto his chest, sliding over and opening his arms for Jo. Letting her sink into him. She rests against him like she no longer has the strength to hold herself up.
“I'm sorry. I thought it was nothing more than Braxton Hicks. Can you believe that? I’m a freaking doctor and I couldn’t tell the difference between Braxton hicks and labour. I should have known better. I did this. This is my fault—"
Alex cuts her off, shushing her. "It's not your fault," he assures her. Life was unfair. He knew that. But this pain Jo didn’t deserve. Not his children. Not Robin. Not their new little girl with the stars on her ceiling. Not his family. They hadn't built this together for it to be broken.
"Please don't cry," she pleaded, her voice wavering. "Please don't, it terrifies me. I'm already so scared, Alex. I'm so scared."
Alex just nods, swallowing deeply as he pulls her tighter against his side. It was true that everything had changed once he'd had children. He no longer understood how he had lived without them. And he was realizing that everything he gained could be taken just as easily. He knew that, if this baby really were gone, there would be nothing he could do to ever fix the pain that would settle in Jo's heart or his own for that matter.
He feels Robin begin to stir against him and he forces a smile on his face and kisses his head, smiling genuinely when the little one lifts his arms, reaching out for his father in an instant.
"Daddy” He cheered, his little fists gripping Alex’s T-shirt as he shifted him higher up his chest. He settles his palm on the back of his head and kisses his head again.
"Robin, how would you feel about playing with Ellis, Bailey and Zola tonight?" He asks him carefully.
Robin is as stubborn as his mother. "Scout?" He suggests instead.
"Yeah okay, we can see if Uncle Link will take you. You can play with Scout and then mommy and daddy will see you when you wake up." He knows Robin has no real clue on what’s happening around him but he knew Jo had been right. He didn't need to be here.
Robin lifts his head and peers down at Jo. He seemed to be thinking hard about the proposition before shaking his head fiercely.
"No."
No was his new favourite word and Alex was already sick of hearing it. He strokes his hair back as he meets eyes with Jo. Her tears are still falling steadily. Her hands spread out over her stomach and he knew she was waiting to feel something still.
"No, I want mommy," Robin insists. His little face mustering up what Alex assumed was a scowl as he reached over to wrap his hand around one of Jo's curls hanging loose in front of her face. Alex didn’t have it in him to battle Robin today, it’s not like he wanted to let go of Jo either.
They were out of time to decide what to do about Robin because Carina was already wheeling in the ultrasound. Jo tensed beside him, her hand gripping his tightly as he rose from his place on the bed lifting Robin with him.
"I can't. Please." She whispers and if possible his heart cracked even more.
She was hanging on by a thin thread, but she was hanging onto him. They could survive this…they could survive it together. He lifts Robin higher up his chest, gently cradling Robin's head to his shoulder as the little one's legs wrapped around him.
Alex stared at the swell of Jo’s stomach, the same stomach he'd kissed just last night and singing old country songs much to Jo's amusement. There was no way…there was no way she was…he’d just finished her room…the paint was still wet. Her name is written in stars above her crib. She can’t be.
Alex didn't even realize he was crying until Carina flashes him a sympathetic smile. Robin lifts his head as he squirms in his fathers’ tight grip, peering up at him with a frown. Reaching out to touch his cheeks with his small hands.
"Daddy sad?” He whispers curiously. Alex was torn because there’s no way of explaining this to their toddler and he doesn't want to scare him. Instead, he settles for pressing him back against his chest, his little face squeezed against his neck because while he didn’t want him to watch he also couldn’t bear to let him go.
He watches as Carina helps Jo to sit up. It was too much to watch, the way her whole body shakes as her cries shook through her. He reached for her hand, laying limp by her side, his hand covering hers as he threaded their fingers together. She squeezes his hand back, gripping onto him like he was the only thing stopping her from coming undone. Her hand in his gave him a spark of hope that maybe no matter what happened next they’d make it together, as long they just kept holding on.
He almost dropped Robin in paralyzing relief when the familiar whooshing of the heartbeat filled the room. He lets out a cry of relief as he shakes his head. Alex presses his face back into Robin's hair and squeezes Jo's hand tightly, his heart still pounding away.
"Why wasn't she moving?" Jo asks, her voice hoarse. "I tried everything and she wouldn't move. And why couldn't you find it before?"
"Babies don't move much if at all during labour," Carina explained. "And I don't know. I listened for such a long time.” Once again Alex’s mind blocks out the surrounding noise until it’s a quiet buzz. Instead, he focuses on the image of their baby girl on the screen, the feel of Robin's hot breath against his neck and Jo's hand still clutching his tightly. His family. He’s had these images ever since they’d decided to try for a second…maybe even longer, before Robin, before he and Jo had even got married he’d had this whole dream…Jo, their kids and the house they’d live in and the life they’d live. “But you'll have to be on strict bed rest for the rest of this pregnancy, and even then there's no way to know how long you can prolong labour. If we can keep her from being born for at least a month she’ll be in a much better position."
He comes back down to reality when he feels Jo tug at his hand, she’s looking up at him expectantly. “There’s our girl,” He whispers, leaning closer, pressing a quiet kiss to her hair, not even glancing at Carina as she backs out of the room to give them a moment.
"What if I have to give birth soon?" She mumbled into his shirt. "What if we lose her anyway?"
He shook his head firmly. "We won't.”
He kisses her forehead and glances down at Robin before turning back to Jo. She was looking at him with that look. The one that communicated very clearly that she trusted him with everything in her.
Alex set his hands on her stomach and let out another relieved breath.
"God." He said quietly. She set her hand over his and caressed the back of his hand with her thumb.
Jo's expression twists with guilt. "I’m so sorry...this is all my fault. I've been overworking myself. I always think I can do so much more than I can and our girl is suffering because of it. Maybe I'm not fit to be a mother."
Alex shook his head. "If you're not fit to be a mother, Jo, no one is. Hell, you know what an unfit parent looks like and you are not one."
She opens her mouth to say something else, but abruptly she stops, her eyes widening slightly in surprise. Her expression goes from shock to joy in no time at all as she grabs his hands gently and moves them back to her stomach, pressing down lightly. Alex feels a familiar, returning nudge, gentle and soft, but definitely there. He laughs giddily and locks eyes with Jo, pleased when she laughs in return. He moves around the bed, leaning over Jo so he could press a kiss to the spot he'd last felt the nudge. He keeps his cheek pressed against her soft skin for a moment, whispering a quiet ‘I love you.’ before looking back at Jo’s teary gaze.
"Robin, come here. Come feel your sister." He tells the toddler. Alex tugs him up into his lap and helps guide his hand to the spot he'd just kissed. He applies slight pressure and laughs at the joyous giggle Robin gives when he feels the baby move underneath his hand.
"That's your little sister."
Robin looked up at her father and smiled but the tiny movements didn’t keep his attention for long as he began to climb out of Alex’s grip, into Jo's welcoming arms.
“It’s gonna be okay Jo. We’re gonna be okay.”
Jo looks up at him. Tears still trailing down her face but the sparkle missing from her gaze earlier was slowly making its way back.
He smiles gently, reaching out to cup her face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs softly over the wet trails her tears left. "Everything’s gonna be okay.” He promised. "You'll see."
And she did. A little over two months later their baby girl made her entrance into the world, a little less dramatic than her brother as she’d been monitored so closely, that it was no surprise when she decided to join everyone. With her brown eyes sparkling with the same warmth as her mother’s and a full head of hair she was every little bit perfect as Alex had imagined. A little taste of heaven.
“Hey, baby…welcome home.” Alex grinned as he pulled open the door to the nursery, ushering in Robin who proudly displayed the teddy he’d chosen for his baby sister as Jo slowly made her way inside. She’d been too afraid to step inside since the incident, she claimed it would jinx it.
“Oh wow…” She hummed happily looking down at the bundle in her arms, who as predicted was still asleep and had no understanding of the magnitude of the moment happening around her. “Aren’t you a lucky girl P?”
“Mommy… I see…you sit.” Robin yelps, pulling Jo from the bottom of her cardigan towards the new rocking chair set up in the corner. Jo is all too happy to take a seat, allowing Robin to catch sight of his baby sister.
“It’s perfect Alex…Thank you.” Jo mumbles after a minute, catching Alex’s eye who had taken the moment to settle against the door frame and just watch his family.
He smiles softly, before pushing up off the frame heading towards the window. “You haven’t seen the best bit.” He pulls the blinds down slowly, letting darkness take over the room leaving only the glowing stars for light.
Robin gasped as he looked around in wonder but Jo's eyes remained trained on Alex. “I love you.” She whispers.
“I love you.” Alex grins, kneeling down beside the chair as he runs his hand across their daughter's head. “I love you all…now look up.”
Tilting her head, Jo looked up at the ceiling and gasped. The stars trailed up the wall and right above the crib, they clustered together, spelling out their dear daughter's name.
Peyton.
-
Yes. This is a day late. But it's also very on-brand for me so.
This one-shot is part of the What Could've Been universe so if you haven't read them I would thoroughly recommend reading them, you find them all under my master post on Tumblr.
Also, I made all the medical crap up, so don't come for me with corrections...I don't care.
What do Expect when #ChicagoMed, #GreysAnatomy and #Station19 this Season
Entertainment Weekly has done a feature of how the medical dramas will be doing to addressing the COVID-19 pandemic this upcoming season. Here's a look!
Chicago Med
With Chicago Med in production and Fire and PD soon to be in production, executive producer Dick Wolf confirms to EW that the pandemic will be shown affecting the emergency workers in the Windy City.
"As out Chicago shows return, of course, the COIVD pandemic will be reflected," says Wolf. "On Chicago Fire and Chicago P.D., there will be references to the pandemic but they will be more subtle. For example, fewer civilians in the bullpen in Chicago Fire. But Chicago Med will address the pandemic head-on. There will be a COVID unit in the hospital, incoming patients will be tested by paramedics, and one character will be recovering from the disease. IT will be part of daily life, and adjustments will be made."
Chicago Med, Fire, and PD are set to premiere on Wednesday, Nov. 11 on NBC.
Grey's Anatomy
When season 17 premieres, don't expect Grey's to imply devote and episode, or even one of its incredible two-parters, to the COVID-19 pandemic.
"I think we all hope when the world shut down that it would be for an episode or maybe a two-parter," said showrunner Krista Vernoff. "But here we are six months later, still not allowed to hug our parents. So (the pandemic is) engrained into the season. Specifically, season 17 will feature two timelines, one picking up right after the events of the finale and one taking place a couple weeks into COVID."
Season 17 of Grey's Anatomy kicks off with a two-hour premiere on Thursday, Nov. 12 at 9/8c on ABC.
Station 19
When Andy and the rest of the Station 19 squad returns for season four, they'll have a lot to unpack that extends even beyond the dramatic season three finale. Also, with the show in the same universe as Grey's, expect the pandemic to enter into their world too.
"Yes. Those shows are on the same timeline, they exist in the same universe, they're three blocks apart in Seattle," confirmed Vernoff. "The pandemic exists on Station 19 as well, but it looks and feels different on Station 19 because it's not a hospital so the protocols are different and everyone doesn't have to be in masks and PPE all the time. It's a little different."
Station 19 Season 4 set to premiere on Thursday, Nov. 12 at 8/7c on ABC.
I just can't wait to see how these shows will address and how the characters will be reacting to the pandemic. I know it's going to affect the hospital shows over the emergencies shows in away. Maybe one of the characters deals with the illness and we can see what it's like and maybe learn to take this pandemic seriously.
What are your thoughts on the upcoming new seasons? Leave a comment and tell us your thoughts!
True love survives arguments. Sometimes it even survives break-ups, so you have to live, and then you have to fight for him. Just hold on and fight. In which Jo calls Alex and he actually picks up.
“Alex, I need you to call me or so help me, I will fly to where you are and…”
Jo snaps, she'd been practicing her speech over and over in her head all day, she’d not even considered what she’d do if he actually answered. Which much to her surprise he had…it had taken her moment to even notice she wasn’t listening to the familiar sound of his voicemail but instead the sound of his steady breaths.
“You answered?” She mutters almost in disbelief as she pushes herself up off the couch, pacing around the loft. All she’d wanted all week was for him to answer and now he has the silence is deafening.
“I know you said you were going through something and that you needed time and I wanna give it to you I do, but I spent a lot of the last year pushing you away…”
“Jo…” she pauses as the sound of his voice comes over the line. She has to cover her mouth to stop herself from crying out, three weeks he’d been gone, three weeks of sitting by the phone, three weeks of not hearing his voice. Three weeks of conjuring up the worst possible scenario.
She takes a shaky breath, leaning against the cold window. She needs to get the rest of her speech out before she loses her nerve before she breaks down and begs him to come home. “I know it wasn’t my fault but I did, I pushed you away, but you held onto me then. You did, you held on and you refused to let me go or give up on me. You held on to me. So I’m holding on to you, I’m holding on for dear life.”
It’s quiet for a moment. So quiet she thinks he might have hung up but a quick glance down at her phone screen shows they’re still connected.
“It’s not that easy Jo.” He sounds tired, defeated maybe…either way, it turns her stomach.
“I love you.” She whispers, gripping the phone tighter in her hand. Her eyes watering as she hears his low sigh, like that was the last thing he wanted to hear. “Alex, I love you and whatever this is, whatever you’re going through I wanna go through it with you.”
They fall silent once more. Jo grips to her phone like she’s gripping onto him.
“I love you too.” Jo closes her eyes savoring his words. It should fill her with relief but she knows the but is coming. She thinks back through all her fears, all the scenarios that she’s conjured up these past few weeks. He loves her…he still loves her, so can it really ever be that bad?
“You do?”
“Always.” He confirms.
“Then talk to me, just talk to me. I’m right here.” There’s desperation in her voice as she pleads with him. “For better or worse….”
“What?”
“For better or worse.” They’ve promised it to each other more times than she can count at this point. On a ferry boat in June in front of all their friends. They whispered it against each other's bare skin late into the night. They’ve muttered it in passing on a busy workday when the world felt like it was caving in. He’d promised her it outside the facility the day she was released and he’d promised it to her again just over a month ago in the courthouse.
“Did you mean that?” Jo asks, she’s clutching the phone so tight now she’s sure it will break. She’s holding on for dear life. “If this is the worst, Alex I can handle it.” She lets out a shaky breath, as she tries to calm herself breathing in for a count of three. “I can handle it...I can handle whatever it is but I need you to tell me what's going on.”
Then nothing.
Silence.
Just their quiet breaths filtering through the line.
Jo can taste her salty tears as they slip down onto her lips then…
“I’m with Izzie.”
He’s so quiet she almost doesn’t hear him. Her mind takes a moment to grasp what Alex had just said.
Izzie
“I called her for Mers hearing and we got to talking…”
“She wasn’t on the list.” It’s the first thing she thinks of, all her worst-case scenarios coming true at once.
“What?”
Her legs feel like jelly, shaking too much to support her weight as she drops to the ground, leaning back against the couch, “She wasn’t on the list.”
“I didn’t put her on there.” He says it like it’s simple. Like it’s an obvious explanation for any of this. He sounds more confident now, his voice clear and concise like he’d practiced it. Maybe he had. Maybe it’s why he’d avoided answering her for so long, he just hadn’t figured out the right words to say.
“She had my kids Jo.” She couldn’t breathe. There wasn’t enough air in the room. “She had twins Eli and Alexis and they're here in Kansas.”
“You have kids?”
“I have kids. Twins. They’re five years old...say something, Jo, please.” He urges after a minute's silence.
She can’t though. She’s clawing at her chest desperately trying to remember all the stupid breathing techniques she’d learned. Trying to get to her happy place, her happy place that had him written all over it.
“I’m so sorry Jo.”
“Do you love her?” She manages through ragged breaths. She’s already on fire, might as well throw on the accelerator.
He hesitates. She hears his breath hitch like he can’t find the right words and then a quiet yes. Yes, he does love her.
“But not like that. Not like I love you.”
The words that had felt healing only moments ago hurt now, causing her heart to tear further into two, now they sound more like pity than hope.
“What does that mean?”
She hears a slight sniffle before he’s clearing his throat. “That I love you...but I can’t come home, I can’t leave them. Can you come here?” He sighs but Jo's mind is still whirling, her body still shaking. She can’t quite comprehend anything that he’s saying.
It’s like all she can see is a huge blinking sign that reads.
He’s with Izzie. He loves her. He has kids.
“You have kids.”
“Jo…”
“You have a family?”
“Daddy?” Jo can feel the gasp falling from her lips before she has a chance to stop it. He’s there now, he’s there with them while she’s sitting alone.
“You’re there now? You’re with them?”
She hears the phone muffle. Obviously, he’s covered the speaker but she can still hear him as he asks his children to go play, that he’d come and join them in a minute. He’s a dad. Something he’d wanted for such a long time. Something only weeks ago she’d been considering bringing up for them.
He understood her. It’s one of the reasons she loved him so much. Since Bailey’s wedding, they’d just had this uncanny ability to understand the other. Even if they didn’t agree with each other. They were cut from the same cloth.
Right now though that feels worlds away. Right now they feel like two pieces of different puzzles. She’s here and he’s there and he’s a parent and she’s not.
His voice breaks through the overwhelming thoughts clouding her brain. “Can you come here, Jo?”
“I can’t.”
It's a low whisper before she does the one thing she could never imagine herself doing before she pressed his contact tonight, she hangs up.
She lets him go to voicemail twice before the phone falls silent. She thinks he knows better than to press the issue, especially when all he’s done is ignore her calls for weeks. She needs time. Time to figure out what this all means.
It’s easier said than done. She manages to drag herself to work, detaching herself from everyone she knows, pushing through by focusing on her patients. He doesn’t call again. Weeks go by in silence. Jo falls into the same routine of working until she might drop, only dragging herself home when she’s so tired she's sure her brain won’t be able to torment her.
It’s only when she’s ransacking her wardrobe having neglected the growing laundry pile for too long that she finds them. Tucked into the back behind an old shoebox. Three tiny baby hats.
She clutched them carefully in her hands, trailing her finger along the detailing. They’re made with such love and care for babies she used to be able to picture so clearly. She doesn’t wanna give up that dream or Alex for that matter she's just not sure how to hold onto him.
For the first time in weeks, she finds herself staring down at her phone, her finger itching to hit call. She doesn’t though. She’s not sure what she’d say about this mess, still feeling too big to wade through alone.
The second time she’s overwhelmed with the need to call Alex comes only days later. She’s just finished discussing surgery options with a new patient when she spots him. He recognizes her immediately, his face lighting up.
“Dr. Wilson…it’s so nice to see you again.”
It’s Charlie Peterson. The heart transplant kid from years ago. He’s older now obviously, he looks healthy and it gives Jo a warm feeling to know she was a little part of that. She so rarely gets to see her patients again.
“Charlie…it’s good to see you. Or I hope it is…are you here for treatment?”
“Just a check-in with Dr. Pierce.” Jo nods offering a soft smile before turning her attention down to her phone. She has to run, she has surgery in a little bit. Sensing their conversation is almost over she watches as Charlie sways back on his feet almost nervously. “Dr. Wilson…there’s something…there’s something I wanted to say. Wanted to thank you for really. It’s something you said to me when I got my transplant.” Jo doesn’t say anything, she can vaguely remember talking to him. She knows it was the day she’d propose to Alex. “You said I had to promise to survive, that true love survived fights and breakups. You said you have to live, and then you have to fight and it always stuck with me you know. So just thankyou.”
Jos' speechless. She’d remember it now, her and Alex arguing. He was so sure she was leaving him that he’d spent the night away from home. Her heart had felt heavy as she returned home that night to an empty loft, it felt cold without him much like it did now. She’d hated it so much she’d refused to let that be her permanent reality. She’d fought for him back then. She got down on her knees and told him she wanted him forever. Where had that gone? Where was her gumption? That need to fight for him?
She wishes Charlie well before excusing herself for surgery but her mind is miles away. It might as well be in Kansas because that’s where her heart is. It's where she should be too.
She’s not sure what happens next. She’s not sure how Izzie and the twins fit or how she fits with them. But she knows how she fits with Alex. She knows that nothing has ever felt that scary when he’s been standing there beside her and if she can just get to him she’s sure they can work this all out.
She scans her phone buying the plane ticket out to Kansas without a second glance. Reading the confirmation email she feels at peace for the first time since Alex had walked out that door. The kinda peace that only came from knowing where your heart truly lied. Tomorrow she’d get to see Alex and no matter how bad or how scary everything else around them was, he’d be there to hold her hand. All she had to do was hope he still wanted to.
Tomorrow she'd be with Alex. Her first love. Her last, her only. He was all of it. He was her everything.
It’s late when she arrives back at the loft, so late she doesn't even notice how the lights are already on as she climbs the steps. It’s only when she spots a familiar pair of boots lined up by the door that she realizes the change. The air seems warmer. Looking up abruptly she spots him standing across the room, leaning against the kitchen island like he’d been waiting for her.
“You came home?” She mutters in disbelief, her keys clattering to the ground as she takes him in. He’d let his beard grow, which makes sense considering she’d been crying at the sight of his razor for weeks. He looks tired though, with deep bags under his eyes.
He nods, taking quick strides until he’s standing before her. She could reach out and touch him if she wanted. She watches his own hands twitch with the same urge. Like he too wanted to confirm she was real and standing in front of him. “I came home.”
Suddenly Jo bursts out laughing. Her hand reaching up to cover her mouth as she tries to keep her giggles at bay. Alex's eyebrows drop in confusion as he eyes her carefully. “I booked a flight.” She admits through uneven breaths.
“What?”
“I booked a flight for tomorrow morning. I was gonna come find you.” She laughs again, finding it overwhelmingly amusing that on the day she’d decided to go find him, he’d come home.
Alex frowns but nods as if he has an understanding of what she’s laughing about. “Jo look…”
“Do you still want me?” She asks abruptly. It’s the only question she has. She can deal with the twins and Izzie and Kansas, she can deal with it all as long as he still wants her.
“What kind of question is that?” Alex settles his hands on her waist, the heat of his palms seeping through her. “Of course I want you. I always want you.”
“Then we’ll figure it out.”
And they do figure it out. They head back to Kansas together the next morning, Alex’s hand clutched tightly in her own. Jo’s nervous and scared and a whole other host of emotions but those feelings soon fade when they step out of the rented car. Alex’s face lights up as two five-year-olds come barreling down the front steps, skidding to a halt in front of her. Their eyes are wide and hesitant as they say a reluctant hello. Jo is struck with the love that flows through her as soon as she sees them, no they’re not her’s but they are his. Little pieces of the man she loves so dearly. She can see parts of him so clearly, he’s in Eli’s lopsided grin and Alexis’s eyes. They’re a part of him; it's impossible not to love them.
She lets Alexis guide her up into the house, accepting a cup of coffee from Izzie who seems genuinely pleased that she's there and they sit for the rest of the afternoon playing tea party. Jo mainly spends the day watching Alex who seems more himself then she’s ever seen him before as he chases the two around.
Later that evening Izzie finds her on the porch swing. Jo feels her stomach turning at what she’s about to say, but she is surprised when Izzie apologizes. She apologizes for keeping the twins a secret, for not calling Alex sooner, and then she apologises the way she’s sure she’s uprooted Jo's life. The funny thing is it doesn't feel uprooted at all. It’s only day one but nothing has been as bad as Jo had made it out to be in her head. The day had flown by in an unexpected bliss, Alex had been the husband she knew, constantly touching base making sure she was okay, a reassuring hand squeeze or a mouthed I love you across the dining table. He needn’t bother though, she was more than okay.
“Do you think she can hear me?” Alexis shouts, making Jo startle out of her daydream. They’d been in Kansas almost a year now. It’s not a picnic by any means but it’s definitely worth it. They’re a family, a real proper family. It’s not just her and Alex and their friends anymore and Jo loves it, every messy second of it. She’d cried when the twins had shown up at their house the day after Mother’s Day with a card that read ‘Not all stepmothers are wicked’ and a bunch of flowers that Izzie had let them pick from her garden. Her life is so far from what she’d imagined it to be after she’d called Alex a year ago. Back then she could never see herself leaving Grey Sloan Memorial or even Seattle but they had and it was better than whatever life they ever had planned.
“What about now?” Alexis yells again, pressing her chin into Jo’s stomach as she looks up at Jo expectantly.
Jo just laughs, their poor baby would probably be deaf by the time she was born. “She can definitely hear you and by the time she joins us she’ll know the sound of your voice.” She runs a hand through Alexis' hair softly as the girl settles her ear against Jo's stomach.
“Can she hear me?” Eli yells suddenly, crashing down on top of his sister as they fight for a place on Jo's stomach. “I want her to hear me.” He cries, making Jo and Alex chuckle as he places his ear against her bump expecting his new sister to talk back.
“Everyone can hear you, ya little monster,” Alex growls, lifting the boy up off the picnic blanket they’d laid out, making him squeal in delight as he tips him upside down, one hand tickling his side.
“Ooo she definitely heard you,” Jo winces, feeling a sharp kick to the ribs. “Here guys come to feel her.” She takes Alexis's outstretched hand moving it about as she traces her daughter's kicks across her stomach until she seems to settle in one spot. She watches Lexs face light up in pure delight, her mouth falling open in wonder.
“Can you feel her Lex?” Alex grins taking the seat beside Jo, placing his warm hand against her bump just slightly to the side of Alexis’s.
“Yeah…yeah, I can feel her,” She nods excitedly.
“Hey, I wanna feel her too…” Eli pouts, crossing his arms over his chest as that famous Karev scowl crosses his face.
Jo shakes her head, reaching her arm around Alex and holding it out towards him. “Come over here then bud,”
They all fall silent for a moment, a very rare moment for the Karevs. The happiness seems to radiate out between them all as they feel the little movements of their newest edition.
The warm sunny day sends a golden filter over the image before her. Alex’s lopsided grin, his hand stretched out across her belly, two smaller hands pressed either side. Eli’s tucked under her arm while Alexis lays across her lap. She knows this perfect moment won't last so she takes extra care to commit it to memory while it happens.
As predicted the moment is broken, the sound of the ice cream truck drawing the children’s attention as they go racing across the grass in a flash and they both know Alex has about ten seconds before he has to go catch up to them. He takes the time to press a chaste kiss to her lips before he goes. Soft and sweet and way too short for her liking.
“Thanks for holding on to me.” He whispers against her lips when he pulls back, shooting her a wink before he’s off and running in the direction of the twins.
“Always.”
She calls back, laughing when he almost trips over as he turns back to grin at her. Jo runs her hand across her bump lovingly, thinking back to how only a year ago she was ready to give up this dream of a life completely. She’s glad she didn't.
Five times Jo asks Alex to dance and the one time she asks someone new.
The first time Jo and Alex ever dance together, they’re just friends. It’s new…their friendship. Alex isn’t exactly sure what to call it, in the space of two weeks she went from the annoying intern he was happy to keep as nothing more than a work colleague to the person he spent most of his time with. In the last week, she’s spent more nights on his couch than at home and they’ve grabbed dinner together every day. It’s funny they seemed to have fallen into this pattern without any real thought, it was the day after Ben and Bailey’s wedding they’d become inseparable, she’d sought him out at the end of shift insisting she needed pizza and beer and that he was paying thanks to the raging hangover she was sure was his fault.
He didn’t hate it...having her around all time that is. Which surprised him, it had been a long time since Alex had genuinely enjoyed being in someone else’s company for such a long period of time. Even now when Jos’ has one too many beers and is singing along loudly (and out of tune) to Taylor Swift (not Alex’s choice of course) he finds himself happy just to sit and watch her.
“Oh this is my favorite Alex, come dance with me,” Jo calls from where she’s spinning around in the kitchen. She’s reaching out for him, her warm hand against his forearm pulling him towards her.
“I don’t dance.” Alex protests, remaining firmly in his seat. Shaking his head as she continues to pull at him. He tries to keep his smile at bay but he’s secretly amused by the way she attempts to give him a puppy dog look.
“Don’t or can’t?”
“Both…whatever answer gets you away from me.” He grumbles, trying to remove her grip on his arm but she’s quick, tangling their fingers together and giving him another tug.
“Come on Alex…everyone can dance. Just one dance…pretty please.”
He groans but drops his beer bottle down on the counter and follows Jo back to her makeshift dance floor.
“One dance…and you’ll leave me alone?” He asks, cocking his head to the side as he sets one hand on her hip, the other still gripped in hers tightly. He doesn’t know the song well but he finds himself slowly swaying to the beat.
“I won’t bother you until at least tomorrow.” Jo reasons, smiling softly, a triumphant glint in her eyes that makes Alex think he should stop letting her get her way.
Alex's breath hitches as Jo lays her head against his chest a moment later, he’s sure she can feel the way his heart pounds in his chest. They stay that way for the rest of the song, just swaying back and forth and Alex is surprised to find himself actually enjoying holding Jo so close.
“See… dancing isn't that bad right?”
He pulls her closer, tighter until her chest was pressed flush against his. “No…no you're right, this is pretty good.”
The second time they danced was a couple of years later. They’ve just finished furnishing the loft, and Jos’ even surprised herself with how it had turned out. It really felt like a home…their home.
“I know you’re gonna say a record player is pointless, but it looks cute and before you laugh they were on like every Pinterest board I saw so we have to have one.” Jo reasons, hoping this wouldn’t turn into another disagreement as the throw pillows had. Apparently, because it looks good isn’t a good reason to spend money on Alex’s book.
Secretly she loves every argument/discussion they have. There's just something about them discussing their home, her first proper home that fills her with such joy.
Setting up the record player was easy. Jo had found it a nice home against the window of what she’d marked out to be the living room. She’d even picked up a few old records from the store, Elvis, The Beatles, even Ella Fitzgerald.
She set the record on the turntable and brought down the needle, then closed the lid. There was the crackle of static as the vinyl began to spin.
She reached for his hand during the first verse. “Dance with me?” Jo suggested her voice barely above a whisper. “I know you hate dancing but indulge me this one time.” She insists as he reluctantly places his hands in hers, allowing her to pull him in, their chests brushing up against each other as his hand finds her hip and he holds her against him warm and steady.
They sway like that for the duration of the song and Jo takes the time to scan their newfound home. It's everything she'd hoped it would be and more. She feels Alex's hand fidgeting over her spine as the song comes to an end as if he's contemplating ending their dance before she feels his fingertips drift lower, coming to rest on the small of her back.
“You’re happy right? I know you kinda hated this place at first but…”
“I’m more than happy…” He whispers, leaning back as he brings one hand up to rest against her cheek, brushing the loose hair from her bun behind her ear gently. Jo relaxes against him, letting her worries go at his reassuring words. “I’m home.”
The third time they dance together, Alex surprised them both by being the one to ask Jo to dance. They’re at their makeshift engagement party that the kids on the peds ward had insisted on having when Alex informed them all they couldn’t attend the wedding. It felt kinda surreal, to see various hospital staff all filter in as a handful of his patients gather in the family room. All these people gathered to celebrate him and Jo. He’s not sure how he’d ever got so lucky.
“For everyone who doesn’t know Dr. Alex and Dr. Jo are getting married this weekend…” Kimmy announces, tapping the microphone on the makeshift stage as everyone turns towards her. “And all of us here just wanted to wish you both a huge congratulations.” Alex feels a surge of emotion, as Jo wraps an arm around his waist resting her head against his shoulder. Her eyes were a little watery, maybe she was feeling just as overwhelmed as he was.
“So I thought I’d sing a little something for you both.” Kimmy grins, and Alex gives her a small nod, rolling his eyes as the familiar tune from Beauty and The Beast begins. Now it makes sense why she’d been practicing it all week.
“Think we should dance?” He asks, turning towards Jo.
“You wanna dance? You never wanna dance with me.”
Alex furrows his eyebrows at her statement, wrapping an arm around her waist, swaying them gently, “I never wanna dance full stop but with you…with you it’s definitely bearable.”
Jo rolls her eyes “Charming.”
Alex just chuckles as he takes a step back, keeping his hand firmly in hers. When their arms are outstretched, he tugs on her hand until she gets the memo and twirls back toward him. Alex catches her by the waist, grinning down at her as she laughs warmly.
Cheers erupt around them but Alex can’t bring himself to tear his gaze from Jo. She’s gonna be his wife and he for one can’t wait.
“I aim to please” He mutters before pulling her in closer, pressing his lips to hers as a few groans from the younger patients sound.
The fourth time they dance is a given. Their first dance as husband and wife, sure it's not the reception they planned but Avery's penthouse with everyone they care about most in the world feels as close to perfect as you can get.
“Come dance with your wife.” Jo cries as she makes her way through the crowd, reaching out for Alex who’s taken a seat at the kitchen island. He’d been enjoying a moment to just watch everyone around him. Days like this full of love and happiness were kinda rare to find.
“Jo, you know I hate dancing.” He whines but he's already on his feet, allowing her to guide him back through the crowd. He’s not gonna deny her today, not like he ever denied her before either.
She just smiles, and god it makes his heartache knowing that’s the smile he’s gonna wake up to every day for the rest of his life. “I know you say you hate dancing but I think you secretly like it.”
He turned his hand over in hers, wrapping his fingers around her palm before pulling her to him by the waist. Jo’s free arm sliding up to his shoulder as they spun slowly.
“Thank you…”
“For what?”
“Dancing with me even though you hate it.”
He holds their joint hands in the air, letting Jo turn herself away from him. She’s only out of his grip for a split second before she twirls back into him. He catches her, tips her backward until her hair is dangling down over his knee.
“I’ll always dance with you,” Alex whispers, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips before helping her stand straight again. He can hear the buzz of the party around them, see the bright light of flash go off somewhere as Jo wraps her hands around his neck, hiding her face against him.
“Should’ve put that in our vows.”
He’s not sure how long they stay like that, arms wrapped around each other swaying to whatever song is playing whether a slow dance suits it or not. They might be in a room full of their closest friends and chosen family but neither one can focus on anyone else.
“It’s funny…” Jo mumbles after a while, lifting her head so she can meet Alex’s gaze.
“What’s that?” Alex asks, his thumb tracing a soft pattern against the small of her back as her left hand sorts out his.
“In those lifetime movies, I used to watch. You wait the whole movie for the couple to kiss in the last five seconds and then you just assume that they end up together…in reality, it’s probably never a happy ever after.”
Alex frowns, he’s not quite sure what Jo was getting at but if she was doubting what happens next she shouldn’t. If they could make it through today and still end up married and all in one piece then they could make it through every day that came next.
“We don’t have to worry about that.” He smiles, the hand still clutching hers lifting a little higher so she can see the light catch against her wedding set as he runs his thumb across them.
“No, we don’t.”
The last time they dance together is a couple of days before Alex leaves. He seems to have thrown himself into work the last few weeks. He’s so busy he’s almost never home. They’re like ships passing in the night and Jo’s not ashamed to admit she misses her husband.
“Come on…” She mutters, turning the radio up slightly so the music can be heard over in the kitchen, holding her hand out to Alex who’s been staring at various charts since he’d arrived home in the early hours of the morning.
“Not now Jo…I’m exhausted okay?” He sighs brushing her hand away as he turns back to the pages before him.
Jo shakes her head refusing to take no for an answer as she carefully takes the documents from his hand. Setting them down on the table. She cups his cheek, turning his face towards her. “One dance. Come on.”
She watches the internal argument he’s having with himself, his eyes refusing to meet hers.
“Alex you promised…you’d always dance with me...for better or worse...till death do us part?”
He tenses at her words closing his eyes, but before Jo can even question it he’s up, slipping his hand into hers, leading them towards the empty space between the kitchen and the unused dining table with a frown.
“I know Mr. Grumpy…you hate dancing, you've told me before.”
“That’s Dr. Grumpy to you.”
Jo drops his hand only to lift her arms around his neck and Alex sets his hands loosely on her waist.
“I love you.” He breathes after a moment. He leans his head over her shoulder and drops a kiss to the side of her head, wrapping his arms tighter around her waist.
Jo smiles softly at his words as Alex presses her hand into his chest, over his heartbeat. They're gonna be okay, she's sure of it. They hold onto one another, dancing slowly as the song continues.
“I love you too, Dr. Grumpy.”
They keep swaying even as the song ends and another begins, Jo can’t remember what song had played next, but she knows they’d danced to it anyway.
Jo didn't dance much after Alex left. Didn't do much of anything that reminded her of him. She’d got rid of nearly every trace of him. She’d gone into survival mode and removed every last reminder of him from her life. That is except for the few things she just couldn’t bear to lose.
His shirt…the first one she’d ever borrowed. Back when they were just friends and she was crashing on his couch after one too many beers. The same shirt that’s now hanging loosely off her shoulder as she tries to tidy up after her rambunctious toddler, who’s currently making a mess pulling every record out from its cover and onto the floor.
Their wedding album hurt too much to keep. She couldn’t skim the pages without feeling sick. But she keeps one photo…she can’t not. There’s one photo taken at their wedding reception, Jo wasn't even aware of it being taken at the time. She's mid-spin, her hair fanning out around her, hand clutching Alex's tightly above her head. She looks so happy and carefree in that photo but that's not the reason she kept it, no she kept it because of the way Alex's looking at her in it. Like she was the only one in the room. He looks at her so intently that just the photo sets a fire deep inside her. No matter how painful the ending was, she knew how truly loved she was by him.
“Mommy…princess dress?” Luna asks, pulling the worn photo from its hiding space in an old record sleeve. Of course, she's found it, she’s into every draw and cupboard she can reach these days. Her eyes shine as she shakes the photo in Jo's direction.
“Yeah, mommy had a princess dress,” Jo agrees, lifting Luna up from the floor and settling them both on the couch. She’s too young to know that it's a wedding, too little to ask who the man holding her mother is. She was just excited that her mom looked like one of her favorite Disney characters. Jo stares down at the photo, it's not lost on her that she's sitting in the same spot the dance took place.
“Hey, Lulu?” Jo hums, pressing a kiss to the little girl's hair as she wriggles in her lap. “Shall we have a dance party?”
Jo hasn’t had much time to dance these last few years, hadn’t had much desire too but as she stares down at her daughter she suddenly feels the urge to dance again.
Luna nods, as Jo lifts her up off her lap before turning towards the old record player in the corner. She wipes her hand across the dust that’s settled on it before opening it up, taking a second for the slow melody to filter out. When she turns back Luna is already twirling around, her tutu flowing out around her.
Jo laughs as she lifts her baby girl up onto her hip, spinning them both. She throws her head back laughing as Luna squeals in delight, ordering Jo to keep spinning until they're both dizzy and their giggles drown out the music.
He tried not to stare, his hands sweating the second their eyes met. She offers him nothing more than a polite nod as he splutters an awkward hello before she turns her attention to someone else. That’s it. No earth-shattering moment. His heart still firmly beating in his chest, it hasn’t been ripped out and left in tatters as he’d imagined it would be the second he laid eyes on her.
Did he know he was leaving? Did he know it was the last time they’d be together? Did he take her favourite shirt hoping it would be enough? Did he watch her sleep that last night just memorising every detail of her face, committing her beauty to memory one last time knowing deep in his gut he’d never hold her again? Yes deep in his gut he’d known he was never coming home, he’d known his home was firmly in the little hands of his children. He’d known that he was tearing his own heart in two to give them everything he’d never had and he’d done it willingly so he had no one else but himself to blame for the ache that now lived permanently within him. The sort of ache that only came from losing the other half of you and watching them become whole with another.
Nothing makes it easier. Nothing stops the ache, it doesn’t fade with time he just learns to live with it. He sees her all the time, she’s there in the grocery store or passing through the hospital, or down the street near the dog park, and even outside the kid's school. All the places he knows she’s not he sees her. Wisps of brown hair that for a single second feel so familiar, before the bubble bursts, his eyes readjust and he sees the subtle ways the woman that’s caught his eye isn’t her. So when he does finally see her it doesn't even seem real.
The wedding is beautiful if nothing else. The backyard lit up with string lights, mismatched chairs surrounding the makeshift dance floor where everyone was gathered to watch the first dance. The air is warm and the laughter is loud, a rare moment where everyone seems genuinely happy.
He hangs back for most of the day, he’d promised to be there to stand by his friend's side, a promise he’s happy to keep but it doesn't make it any easier. He’d seen the surprised looks and heard the hushed whispers as the guests had arrived. He can’t help but feel out of place, he’d fought so hard to make this place his home, now he felt like he was a piece of the wrong puzzle trying to make himself fit.
He felt the air cool the minute she’d arrived, filtering in with a group from the hospital. He tried not to stare, his hands sweating the second their eyes met. She offers him nothing more than a polite nod as he splutters an awkward hello before she turns her attention to someone else.
That’s it. No earth-shattering moment. His heart still firmly beating in his chest, it hasn’t been ripped out and left in tatters as he’d imagined it would be the second he laid eyes on her.
She was here. He could reach out and wrap an arm around her, remember what it feels like to hold her if he wanted to. He won’t. But the knowledge that he could have is enough to fill him with a kind of warmth he hasn’t felt for years.
He tries to focus on his friend's joy as the ceremony starts. Forcing himself to keep his eyes trained ahead and not on the brunette a few rows back. He listens carefully as they make their promises, promising for better or for worse, till death do they part and all that other jazz. He tries to stay present, tries so hard to keep the memories that are flooding his mind at bay. His mind betrays him of course, her smiling face shining bright in his memory, the wind flowing through her hair, the way her hands had trembled in his as they promised forever, and her smile so infectious in the sunlight. He remembers feeling so happy in that moment that it overwhelmed him, just the sight of her smile as she’d said I do. A kind of happiness he’d never expected to feel in his life, the type he hadn’t thought was possible until he felt it. He hopes that’s how they feel now standing up at the altar, he hopes they hold onto that happiness always because like everything in life it doesn’t last.
As the ceremony ends she gets lost in the chaos and he doesn’t see her again until after the speeches, she’s let her hair down now and it flows down in waves to her shoulders framing her face. She’s standing beside Link, laughing away at something he’s said. He considers going over there, maybe they could talk. Maybe they could make polite small talk, or maybe she’d be happy to see him and they’d spend the night talking into the early hours like they had back when they’d first met. He knows it’s more likely she’d not want anything to do with him, that he’d end up upsetting her, hurting her even more, and ruining what is meant to be a happy day. So he busies himself talking to past friends that he really has missed and chased after the kids that are more grumpy, almost teenagers these days. He finds himself drawn to her whether she is, he follows her around the room, at one point he almost drops his drink when her laugh erupts from somewhere behind him, sweet and carefree and he swears it’s infectious. His lips curl up without warning as he shuffles his feet away from the crowd, content to step back and watch the festivities.
His behaviour goes unnoticed by everyone but the bride of course. She’s the first one to find him when he slips away from the party, guiding him to the quiet of the front porch.
“Thank you for coming today.” She whispers, leaning against the wall beside him. “It means a lot that you’re here Alex.”
“Anytime.” A soft smile graces his face as he leans forward pressing a chaste kiss to her forehead. He means it, anytime no matter what, she’s family, their bond is buried deep. Their history is too entangled for him to ever be able to say a proper goodbye.
They sit in silence for a moment. Never the type of friends that needed many words. She knows, of course, she knows, it’s written all over her face when her new husband comes to find her, ushering her back to the party.
“She’s okay…really she’s happy.” Mer whispers, squeezing his hand one time before slipping back into the house. He sighs, he still needs a breather as he takes a seat down on the front steps. The same space he’d found her all those years ago. He remembers the feeling of seeing her usually perfect porcelain skin mottled with purple bruises. At that moment he’d realised whatever he’d thought he’d felt for her run much deeper than that. At that moment he’d realised his heart resided firmly outside his chest, it still probably does. If he had to be really honest he thinks she might always have his heart. He doesn’t even want it back. Happy for it to always be hers even he himself can no longer be.
He checks his watch. He could probably go now, he’d stayed long enough to be deemed acceptable but there is something that twists deep in his gut like he can’t leave without seeing her again. Just one more glance, it would never be enough, but damn he could try and make it. So he turns back towards the house, making his way through to the garden where everyone seems to be dancing it out like there’s no tomorrow and he shakes his head at the family he’s missed so dearly as he settles against the door frame.
He finds her without really trying, he’s just drawn to her. He takes a deep breath letting the image of her settle in his bones. He watches as she looks up, turning her attention to someone across the table she’s sat at and she smiles, not at him…she hadn’t even looked his way since she’d arrived and he knows because his gaze has never left her for longer than a few seconds. After all this time he watches her smile, and he smiles too. His lips curled up involuntarily at the joy radiating from her face.
A happy ending suits her. It’s how he wants to always remember her. He once had thought he could be that for her but he’s so glad she found this new one. She’s tucked against some guy's side, as she runs a reassuring hand down his back the same way she used to for him. The ending they’d planned together. The house, the kids, the smiles. It’s still her ending…and knowing that is enough. Knowing that is everything to him.
There’s a commotion as the kids take the dance floor for some planned routine and her gaze searches the room until she stumbles across his. He gives her a short nod as their eyes meet ignoring the way his body burns with the urge to cross the garden, close the gap between them, take it all back and beg for another chance. He doesn’t of course, their story is over, she has a new one and so does he. She offers him a friendly smile, it’s brief, barely a second but it’s a second that holds a lifetime. As quick as it came it went, her attention being called elsewhere as a little girl no older than five grabs hold of her hand dragging her towards the dance floor.
He hears the little one call for her mother. His eyes closed involuntarily like the sight was too much. And for the briefest second, he allows himself to imagine what it would be like to be standing there with them. It’s a cruel game, one that will only hurt more than it does heal. He shakes it off, standing up straighter as he seeks her out once more. She was okay...she was more than okay.
Her dress flows out around her as she spins around copying her daughter who squeals in delight as her own dress puffs out around her. It reminds him of the one she’d worn when she’d proposed except it’s lighter. She’s lighter, happier, even more, radiant than she was back then. Maybe he’s done that thing where his memory of her all these years had not been doing her justice or maybe she truly is just happier now.
He glances at his watch. He has to go. No time to debate what to say if he could. He has a life to get back to and she has one here. One more glance, one more second to take her in. When he’d left he’d left knowing he may never see her again, that he’d go his whole life without ever seeing that smile, and honestly he thought that would be okay. He thought that it would be easier that way.
He was wrong, watching her now he knows it, he was always gonna wanna see her, be in her orbit, he knows it’s not a possibility but he’ll take what he can get. Even if what he can get is shy glances across a makeshift dance floor. His phone buzzes, the car is waiting. Slowly he pushes off the doorframe, taking one last look around at the happy faces scattering the dance floor. There’s no empty gap of where he once was. Life has moved on.
When he finds her again he is surprised to find her eyes already on him. Like she knows he’s leaving this time. The same warm brown that he’d fallen for in that supply closet so many years ago bore into him. She doesn’t make any attempt to move but she offers him another warm smile, a genuine one this time. Then she’s gone, he faintly hears her being called away by her daughter and the spell is broken. He slips away from the party without another glance.
Maybe their paths never cross again and maybe that’ll be okay, she’s happy and loved and everything she deserves to be. So if he never gets to lay eyes on her again the memory of her spinning her daughter around the dance floor will be enough. But he hopes to god they do, even if all they get is another almost moment. Even if for the rest of their lives they only get brief glances and polite smiles he wants it…wants her…always.
He wants their story to end the way it began. Strangers stealing glances at each other across the operating table, over beers on the couch, at a friend's wedding…wherever and whenever they can. They were back to the beginning, strangers but this time with the memories filled with love, and quite strangely he’s okay with that. That in itself feels like a happy ending because they really are living happily ever after…just not together.
He’d abandoned their story, he’d ripped the pages out so quick he’d given her whiplash. He’d scrawled out THE END in the form of his name and that was it. But he stands here now a wiser man, watching her light up like he’d never seen before and he knows he made the right choice. Sometimes it’s hard to turn the page when you know someone won’t be in the next chapter, but the story must go on, so he slips away without a word and leaves the rest of their story blank.
“Okay Kit Kat...you ready?” Jo asks forcing a bright smile on to her face as Alex pulls up on the street. He catches the way her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. He holds back at chuckle, she’s definitely overthinking it, it was a new school they weren’t sending him to war.
“You wanna practice one more time bud?” Alex asks adjusting the mirror to see his son better.
Kit nods, muttering the same words he’d been repeating all weekend under his breath one last time before taking a deep breath, raising his head to look up at his parents. “Hello...my name is Kit Wilson-Karev.”
“Are you staying tonight?” Kit asks as he throws the ball towards Alex who catches it swiftly.
“Erm...I don’t think so bud.” Alex mutters, flashing his son a bright smile as he throws the ball back once again. Truth be told he hadn’t spent the night at Jo’s or with Jo for that matter since Christmas day. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, he just didn’t want to rush anything. No matter how much Jo insisted that it was okay, that she wanted him there. It wasn’t lost on Alex just how lucky he was to have a second chance at this life with her and he had no intention of messing it up, he wanted to earn it, earn her. “I do have something to ask you though.”
“What is it?”
“How would you feel about me taking your mom on a date?”
