#grief is a process

[cinamun]

Lovemaking | Next

*Bonus: Lullaby

[nebby-stardust]

1 of 3 bitties, his nickname is Aloe - the others are far more high energy but it's a joy to have help with my plants. optimistic but somewhat melancholy musings under the cut - Also transcripts

Aloe: I thought you kept succulents Nebby: I did Nebby: They died Aloe: Sounds to me like time to start fresh

My garden got infected with black mold and scales. It was ironic - watching as the life drained from each leaf, My garden was once - and I think still is - an extension of my mind I took care of it to show I could take care of myself, Ironic that the blight came out of dormancy when stress started to rot my health.

But you can start a new garden. You'll never be free of blight or parasites, you'll never be free of stress, But you can always start caring for your health again, You can nurse flowers from new plants. Life moves on, there are ups and downs, flowers wither in the winter and bloom in the spring - And so long as you survive, you'll grow from the rot that once felt like it took you over

[sixpennydame]

Grief Butter, by Ruth Chan

[wendimydarling]

How do you grieve? Such a stupid question but I’m 28 and never lost anyone but found out my grandfather (who lives in a different country) is in hospital (not with the virus) and on his final stretch. I cried so hard I made myself sick. I woke up to a banger of a headache and I feel lost because I was due to visit my grandparents a few weeks ago but of course thanks to bloody ‘rona I couldn’t. I can’t even visit to say goodbye. I need Henry cuddles and to just hide from the world 😭

Oh hon.

First of all, I just want to take the time to say I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this, and for what sounds like your inevitable loss. I have been there, and it’s not easy. 

Grief looks different for everyone. I typically allow myself the opportunity to wallow in it, because if I repress it, then it will just come out louder and stronger later. Just know that however you decide to grieve, it is okay to not be okay. I’m gonna say that louder for those in the back. It is okay to not be okay. You will live, you will survive, and you will be okay eventually. Just not right now.

You’ll never fully get over it; you’ll simply learn to live with a differently shaped heart. My grandmother died over ten years ago, and every now and then something will remind me of her so sharply that I suddenly burst into tears. 

I can guarantee that if Henry were with you right now, he would literally pull you into a massive hug and would not let go of you until you initiated pulling away. His heart is so big and kind and soft, and he lives to make people feel better. Just snuggle into those big, strong arms, and let your sadness seep into his chest. 

I’m here for you if you need anything, sweet Nonnie. Just let me know.

[notcanoncompliant]

I accidentally thought about everything Tony Stark went through in MCU canon and made myself sad

[moving-on-moving-forward]

You don’t need them to thrive, in fact, you’re going to be better and happier without them. Even if you don’t believe it yet.

[myownjadedpieceofmind]

I think I'm getting over it...and then...

I sat and meditated this morning. Reflected for a while on the past few months.

Facebook notifications reminds me that it's been 3 years since Karas and I got together. I argued with myself about watching the cut and paste video Facebook makes, reminding myself that it just wasn't worth crying over.

But of course... I had to obsess. It's what i do. And instead of playing all these happy memories that happened because obviously, it was posted on Facebook...i chose to scroll back through my cloud storage of visual memories captured in time.

And I let my fingers rest on the last pictures I have of karas and I together the morning of the day my life changed forever. September 12th. It was 330 am when I snapped these selfies after having spent an hour and a half curling my long hair while karas tried to nap off a headache.

It's 330 in the morning. So obviously, in all of the photos that followed, I was noticeably high. I can see it so clearly now. Makeup only hid so much. And didn't hide the fact that my partner was passed out, fully clothed, while I was in only panties.

Something about all that is sad to me.

Because later that day, September 12, I was arrested. And then September 14th, I nearly died. There were maybe 3 or 4 photos of karas and I together in the same picture between that day and the day she went to prison.

It wasn't a good feeling that I got when I looked back at THAT view of things..i have always just been looking at all the happy moments..the glorified version of what our relationship was. And even though it was an amazing relationship compared to anything i had ever experienced...

If she hadn't have went to prison, we would have ended up hating each other by now. I would have either struggled to get clean and because she never could stay away from it, I would have an even harder time getting clean. Or, I just wouldn't get clean and play the system as much as I could, just so she knew, I would have gone through hell for her. And I did.

But now, as I look at those memories...the not so great ones? I am like... oh. Yeah. That's uncomfortable and I thought I could delete that feeling but, I kept it. And I realized, it's not that different from the feeling I've had since she told me we were no longer "together". And it's not so different from that uncomfortable pain I get whenever she says she loves me (everyday).

I think I'm over wanting what I had. I mean, if I had it back the way it was, I don't think I would survive it. And if she was back today, right now, she probably wouldn't like who I am now. Because I know I deserve someone that would go through hell for me if I needed them to. I am worth every bit of time I have spent on myself, from the "Vanity Project" (that's I decided to call this self portrait series I've been doing), to my recovery, the mental help I've gotten, and even money spent on hair cuts which, before, I would never spend money on myself.

I'm over having what I used to have.

I want more. I deserve more.

[cinamun]

Belated wedding party | Next