someone i used to hang out with was in an accident and died :(
it was shocking. we’ve known each other for a year and a half now and there was a point at the beginning of our friendship where we talked to each other a lot, go out for drinks all the time, all of that. but then, he got busy. i got busy. and im not the type of person to reach out and catch up. and i think he was, too. so i didnt really think much of it.
in that span of time of knowing each other, i think we havent talked for like 70% of it. and out of all the days he had to make conversation with me, he had to do it the day before he died.
whats eating me up, is he had to comment on how i look so i didnt take it well (obviously) and i had this inner anger for him built up. what i havent realized is that he has always been like that. he joked all the time and talked to everyone that way. i think he did that for me as an icebreaker but since its something about my appearance, ofcourse i had to be serious about it! we havent talked for a long time and the first time that we did, it had to be a comment about how i look? and so the conversation was short and that was it.
early morning the next day, he got into an accident and died. seeing pictures of the accident on social media, his body sprawled and lifeless. and bloody. it was disturbing to say the least. i was shaking when i heard the news. because … why? he was an unstoppable force. he always went out with friends and somehow always went home fine. he was loud but he was careful. and as far as i knew, he had never been in a major accident. and when he did, it had to take his life???
it was eerie. i was just starting to think about getting back at him for making me feel bad about how i feel. i had to make him feel bad too, was what i was telling myself. now, i couldnt even think about that. i feel so sorry for his family. he used to talk a lot about his little sister and how much he loved her. we didnt know each other well, but he sure lets everyone know about that one.
and im sure i did not have a huge impact on his life, but since knowing his death, i thought if i had taken his joke as a joke, would things happen differently? if i had also made a conversation and ask about how he’s been, would he have been in a different state of mind, different train of thoughts resulting = him not being in that last moment of his death?
i wonder if he ever thought about his death, that it would be that sudden and tragic. i wonder if he ever was scared of it? or was he always accepting of his fate, whatever it will be. i wonder how he felt when that car hit him. i wonder if he ever felt pain. i wonder if his life flashed before his eyes. i wonder what his last thoughts were. i wonder if he realized he lived a great life, he always made sure he had a good time.
in another universe, i know you are still out there enjoying and having a good time. making plans with friends, loving the new music you discovered, showing of how good u were at singing, being the energy ball that u are, being the comfort of everyone around you.
rest in peace, adrian jake. this one goes out to you.
