Jake: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives
Juniper: I wake up at 4:30 AM
Jake:... I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives
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Joel: Oh look, I survived! Brilliant! Love it when I do that!
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Flick: Bobbie was going to run into a metal bar so we yelled ‘duck’
Patty: She proceeded to turn and quack at us before slamming into the bar.
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Buddy: Jake’s in trouble!
Richard, not looking up: Jake's always in trouble.
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Sam: 'You'll never find the body' is such a boring threat. A better threat would be; 'You'll never stop finding the body.'
Kato: Or just say, 'They'll be finding parts of you for at least four months…and you'll still be alive for three of them.'
Nate: Now that's a threat!
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Joel: I love unnecessarily ominous statements, and I will still love them when there's nobody alive to make them.
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Charles: Jake, are you high?
Jake, clearly high: Hello. Am I what?
Bobbie: High.
Jake: Hello.
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Joel, in holding with Wendy after skipping school: Everything will be alright.
Wendy: How can you say that?
Joel: Because sometimes when things get tough, denial is all we have.
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*During the CnS campaign*
Joel: you’ll have a hard time believing this because it never happens-
explosions are heard from his tape recorder
Joel: …but I made a mistake.
Kato:...roll for initiative McGee.
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Juniper: When I met you I thought you were a real bitch.
Alicia: What changed your mind?
Juniper: Oh, I still think you’re a bitch, I’ve just grown to like that about you.
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Richard: Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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Mort with his gang: Why can’t we all just get along?
Patty: Because most of you are assholes.
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Joel: I am an expert at identifying birds.
Charles: Okay, what about those ones flying over there?
Joel: Yeah, they're all birds.
Nate: *falls over laughing*
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Coach: Fletcher, is that a gun?
Jake, deciding against all odds that he’s going to gaslight himself out of this situation: what gun.
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Sam to Juniper: I’m in love with you. You just want to be friends. And I’m totally cool living with that constant pain.
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Charles: Oh, give me patience.
Patty: I think you mean 'give me strength.'
Charles: If it gave me strength, you'd be dead.
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The Lad to the other mentors: Are any of you happy?
Elliot: I cross the street without looking.