Joel, holding a baseball bat: There’s no need to be afraid of me. I don’t bite.
Mort, standing a safe distance away: Yeah, but do you wack?
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Charles: I don’t know about this, Jake.
Jake: The last time you said that Hoffer you ended up loving it.
Charles: The last time I said that you were holding a bag of durian flavored chips; now you’re holding a roman candle. They are two very different things.
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Nate: You remind me of a Russian doll.
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Kato: If anyone has any questions, ask me.
Bobbie: If a bear and a shark had a fight, who would win?
Kato: ... If anyone has any RELEVANT questions, ask me.
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Wendy (a warlock): Do we not have a plan?
Sam, playing barbarian: Who needs a plan? I’ve got an axe.
Sam: *starts running ahead*
Kato, the very tired DM: An axe is not a plan!!!
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Flick: One time Jake and Juniper were having a heated argument in the car and Juniper took Jake's Queen tape out of the player and threw it out the window with rage and Jake looked her dead in the eyes and pulled out a second copy of that same tape and put it back in the player.
Buddy:...And Jake’s still alive?
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Dad: Tell your mother everything is fine.
Joel: Hey, Mom! We haven't eaten for days, your plants are dead, and I'm dropping out of school. Love ya, bye!
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Kato: What? Didn't I specifically tell you not to do specifically, exactly just that?
Alex: Actually, specifically, you said not to *humiliate* you by doing that. So, we won't!
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Richard: 99% of the time, whenever random violent crap happens, it seems you're somehow involved!
Joel: Can't you have a little faith in that last 1%?
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Joel: *screams louder to establish dominance*
Flick, concerned: Um, shouldn’t we do something?
Patty: No, I want to see who wins this time.
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Jake: Fun fact of the day: pen ink tastes like almonds..... don't try to suck the ink out of your pens kids it's disgusting and makes your mouth feel funny.
Patty: Why would you even do that?
Jake *shrugs*: I was bored.
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Bobbie at Alicia’s house: I love jacuzzis!
Bobbie: Sometimes I pretend that I'm getting captured by witches and they're using me to make soup!
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Juniper: I know this is going to sound sarcastic, but this is a great plan and I’m really impressed with you guys.
Sam: Don’t listen to her, this is a great plan.
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Wendy: Kato, are you sure you don't wanna use my graduation speech? It goes like this: Later, losers.
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Alicia: Due to enormous personal flaws I refuse to work on, I will be arriving extremely late with an iced coffee. Please respect that.
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Juniper: I am so hungover. I have never been this hungover. Are we dead?
Alex: I feel great, I ran 5k this morning.
Alex: No I threw up in the shower.
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Joel: My life is a cautionary tale, but like a cool, flashy one that instead of inspiring people to do better it inspires them to be more chaotic
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Juniper: can we go to a haunted house?
Mom: what’s wrong with the one we live in?
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Humphrey: Mr. Jake, what’s your favorite food?
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Joel: Legally no, there's not a word for my condition.
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Charles: [casually taking four stairs at a time]
Wendy, falling behind: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fu-
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Kato: Dear people who won’t stop asking- Yes, I am actually feeling fine, and yes, I really have been getting a decent amount of sleep at night!
Kato *bites into an onion*
Kato: Hey, this apple tastes like shi-
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Richard: *puts a cup down over a spider*
Joel: *appears; smiles; puts 2 more cups down beside Jay’s*
Richard: Come on, Joel, please no, don’t… DON’T—
Joel: *starts shuffling the cups*
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Jake: Hoffer, in your professional opinion, how would I die?
Charles: Murder. Gangland style execution. We never find your head.
Patty: *slightly raises finger in question*
Charles: You slip in a tub.
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Buddy about Jake: I'd follow him to hell and back, but I wish he'd stop going there.
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Bobbie: I love to dismiss my horrible decisions by saying "yeah that was a weird time in my life" as if the rest of my existence hasn't been absolute clown shoes.
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Alicia: I have met some of the most insufferable people. But they also met me.
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Juniper: When I was small-