★ - a guilty desire they are ashamed of
He doesn’t have it as much anymore, but his desire for power was something he craved since he was a boy and lost his mother. He made no apologies for it and underwent hell to become the powerful and unstable mage that he was until very recently. (Which. He’s still a gifted thaumaturge - he’s remembering how to ride the bike in that respect. He’s just not. Roy Mustang with a built in egg timer anymore.) He had no shame when it came to his goals, and he thought he would be willing to sacrifice anything and anyone to achieve them.
When he realized he hurt Ruen back when he was 16, Ilan felt guilt and shame for what his thirst for power and vengeful tendencies had done to his only friend in the world. Now, after everything and the fear he felt, that guilt and shame only increased tenfold. Though he reversed the process that made him so volatile but powerful, the guilt at the pain he’s put Ruen especially through will probably always be strong. And even still he’ll probably always hear the seductive call of destructive power, and he’ll probably always be tempted by it. Because he still vows to kill his father, even now. He can’t let go of that yet. But he’ll also always feel incredibly guilty and remorseful when he remembers the monster he became for the sake of his vengeance and how that monster only succeeded in hurting the person who means the most to him in this world.
