#gunslingers

[standbyforexciter]

Years come, years go, but gunslinging lawmen stay the same

[howlingday]

The Hunchback of Notre Dame:

Disney Soundtrack

Victor Hugo

Longplays:

MadWorld

Gunslingers

Fairy Tale About Father Frost, Ivan, & Nastya

Obduction

TV Shows:

Bunny Maloney

The Looney Tunes Shows

Total Drama EVERYTHING

Atomic Betty

B O Y C O T T ~ !

[basicallyanotherwitchesthing]

Camilla Sparv in MacKenna's Gold 1969

[illiana-danger]

After the Brawl

[infamousbrad]

Compassion Fatigue (gunslinger edition)

I don't care any more if a gunslinger gets shot by a fellow gunslinger.

I don't care any more if someone who knowingly and voluntarily hangs out with gunslingers gets shot by a gunslinger trying to kill their gunslinger friend.

I don't care any more if a "second amendment absolutist" who wants to fill up this country with gunslingers gets shot by a gunslinger.

And I don't care any more, if I ever did, if any of the gun manufacturers and dealers who fund second-amendment absolutist lobbyists and politicians get shot by one of the millions of gunslingers they armed.

As I think it was H.L. Mencken who said, democracy is the premise that the American people know what they want and deserve to get it, good and hard. The people who voted for this, and spent their money on it, and practice this lifestyle invited this upon themselves. And there are so many of them that, at this point, they're the only ones who can stop this. It'll keep going on until they do, and until then my compassion for them has run completely out, they've exhausted it.

Charlie Kirk was on a college campus where, based on his advocacy, they had invited every gunslinger in Utah to come be "a good man with a gun." There were probably at least a couple of people strapped at that event, who fantasized while they were getting dressed that day about getting to shoot someone and feel good about it. Charlie Kirk chose to trust those vigilante-wannabes to be his protection, so it's on him if it didn't work. (Hint: it basically never does.)

[pedanticpunk]

THE RENAISSANCE (2018–PRESENT)

"The scream goes arthouse."

Mandy (2018)

Nicolas - as Red Miller "What if grief was a chainsaw duel, and the bathroom vodka scene was one continuous take of everything I'd been saving since 2009?" - Cage

Era: The Renaissance begins. Critics who mocked the Dark Ages now write essays. The Clause has not changed. The audience has.

Scream Clause Compliance: FULFILLED at a level requiring structural inspection of the bathroom set. In his underwear. With vodka. It is the rawest 90 seconds of his career and possibly anyone's.

Contamination Vector: Forging your own weapon will begin to seem reasonable. You will crave Cheddar Goblin macaroni with no memory of deciding to.

Denise's Verdict: "The lighting hurt my eyes." (Valid. Panos Cosmatos sends his regards.)

Film: 8.4/10

Cage Impact: 9.7/10 ★★★★★ (Grief, weaponized, in neon)

RGR: 18% (Full Cage Conversion)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 25: "Subject's browser history includes 'home forge kit beginner.' Macaroni and cheese consumption up 300%. When asked if everything was okay, subject said yes in a voice lit entirely in red."

Color Out of Space (2019)

Nicolas - as Nathan Gardner "What if a meteor warped my family beyond recognition and I, a reasonable man, focused on the alpacas?" - Cage

Era: Renaissance, Lovecraft division. Cosmic horror, domestic Cage.

Scream Clause Compliance: FULFILLED — alpaca-specific. The universe is dissolving; the Clause demands he scream about livestock. He delivers. The alpacas were also doomed, but that's not why he screamed.

Contamination Vector: You will yell about animals during unrelated crises. "What about the ALPACAS" is now your response to bad news of any scale.

Denise's Verdict: "Why alpacas?" (The correct question. No answer exists. Lovecraft would approve.)

Film: 7.5/10

Cage Impact: 9.0/10 ★★★★★ (Cosmic dread delivered through dad rage)

RGR: 27% (Critical Saturation)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 26: "Layoffs were announced at subject's company. Subject responded 'what about the ALPACAS.' The company employs no alpacas. The room understood anyway. That's the disturbing part."

Willy's Wonderland (2021)

Nicolas - as The Janitor "What if I fought eight murderous animatronics, spoke zero words for the entire film, and took scheduled, non-negotiable pinball breaks between kills?" - Cage

Era: Renaissance, vow-of-silence division. Released the same year as Pig — one calendar year containing both his quietest performance and his most silent one. Scientists call this the 2021 Anomaly. Cage calls it Tuesday.

Scream Clause Compliance: CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS, RESOLVED VIA DELEGATION. The talent took a vow of silence; the Clause does not accept vows. Ruling: compliance was achieved BY PROXY — the animatronics scream, constantly, on his behalf. The first documented case of outsourced fulfillment. The Clause's lawyers are still in the building.

Contamination Vector: You will begin taking scheduled breaks with terrifying discipline, mid-task, regardless of stakes. The energy drink becomes ritual. You will clean things aggressively while maintaining eye contact. You will say nothing, and it will be the loudest thing in the room.

Denise's Verdict: "He doesn't talk? In the whole thing?" (Correct, Denise. The man found a loophole in his own contract and crawled through it in a Willy's Wonderland t-shirt.)

Film: 5.9/10 (11/10 at 1am with a beverage)

Cage Impact: 9.1/10 ★★★★★ (Proved he doesn't need dialogue, screaming, or context — only a mop and an agenda)

RGR: 23% (Critical Saturation — you watched a man play pinball during a massacre and thought "he's right")

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 27: "Subject now takes breaks at fixed intervals with alarming commitment, once stopping mid-argument to drink an energy drink in silence, maintain eye contact, and resume. Witnesses report the argument was 'lost by everyone else.' Subject has not explained. Subject will not explain."

Pig (2021)

Nicolas - as Robin Feld "What if I whispered for 92 minutes and did more damage than every scream combined?" - Cage

Era: Renaissance peak. The film that broke this index's mathematics and has not apologized.

Scream Clause Compliance: STATUS UNKNOWN. Zero external screams detected. Leading theory: first documented case of INTERNAL fulfillment. The scream happened. It happened inside. We all heard it anyway.

Contamination Vector: You will look at your own pet differently. You will call your father. You will say "we don't get a lot of things to really care about" at gatherings, with unearned gravity, and ruin the mood, and be right.

Denise's Verdict: "...I cried. Don't put that in." (It's in, Denise. For science.)

Film: 8.9/10

Cage Impact: 10/10 ★★★★★ (Proof the screams were containing something. Pig is what leaks out)

RGR: 95% cognitive / 12% emotional (the model-breaking entry)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 28: "Subject called their father. Duration: 47 minutes. Subject then regarded their own cat with new gravity and told brunch companions 'we don't get a lot of things to really care about.' Brunch ended. Subject was right, which made it worse."

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (2022)

Nicolas - as Nick Cage "What if I played Nicolas Cage, haunted by young Nicolas Cage, in a film about loving Nicolas Cage — and it still wasn't my most self-aware role?" - Cage

Era: The Renaissance achieves recursion. The index briefly observes itself. We do not look directly at it.

Scream Clause Compliance: META-FULFILLED. Young Nicolas Cage screams at older Nicolas Cage. The Clause folded in on itself and survived. The lawyers wept.

Contamination Vector: You will adopt "Nicolas Cage will never not show up" as an actual life philosophy. It will work, which is worse.

Denise's Verdict: "He seems nice in real life." (Control subject compromised via Pedro Pascal proximity. A known hazard.)

Film: 7.2/10

Cage Impact: 8.8/10 ★★★★☆ (Playing yourself as a concept is the final boss of acting)

RGR: 64% (Stable, but recursively)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 29: "Subject adopted 'Nicolas Cage will never not show up' as a personal philosophy. Subject's attendance is now perfect. Friends describe the reliability as 'honestly a little menacing.'"

Longlegs (2024)

Nicolas - as Longlegs "What if you only saw me for nine minutes, and slept with the lights on for nine weeks?" - Cage

Era: Renaissance, horror division. Perkins rationed him like uranium. Correct call.

Scream Clause Compliance: FULFILLED IN FALSETTO. The first soprano compliance on record. The Clause's vocal range continues to expand. The Clause cannot be contained by register.

Contamination Vector: "Happy birthday" is ruined for you in a specific pitch, forever. You will distrust pale men in white sedans, which, admittedly, was already advisable.

Denise's Verdict: "Okay. That was actually scary."

Film: 7.6/10

Cage Impact: 9.5/10 ★★★★★ (Nine minutes of screentime, nine weeks of damage — the best ratio in the field)

RGR: 21% (Critical Saturation)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 30: "Subject was asked to take out the recycling. Subject gripped the doorframe and wailed 'RELEAAAASE MEEEEE' in a register researchers describe as 'medically inadvisable.' The recycling was taken out by someone else. Researchers note this outcome may be reinforcing the behavior."

Gunslingers (2025)

Nicolas - as Ben "What if I played a frontier photographer in cross-shaped sunglasses, gave him the voice of Miles Davis, and the director's job was talking me DOWN from the full Miles?" - Cage

Era: Renaissance, direct-to-streaming division — proof the IRS Dark Ages never ended, they just achieved prestige. The hat was his own. He asked the director if it was cool. The director said yes. The director understood his role in history.

Scream Clause Compliance: FULFILLED CONTINUOUSLY AT LOW FREQUENCY. The rasp is, scientifically speaking, a single scream extended across 104 minutes — the first sustained-release compliance on record. In-universe justification: the character was hanged and damaged his vocal cords. Real-world justification: Miles Davis also got his rasp from damaged vocal cords. The homage operates on a level of accuracy nobody requested.

Contamination Vector: You will attempt the voice. You will explain "it's actually a Miles Davis homage" to people who did not ask, were not going to ask, and now wish they couldn't hear. You will defend this film using only the phrase "but the VOICE."

Denise's Verdict: "That's not a voice. That's a complaint." (Denise has not yet learned that for Cage, those are the same instrument.)

Film: 3.4/10

Cage Impact: 8.9/10 ★★★★☆ (Critics called it the worst vocal choice in fifty years. The Clause calls it employee of the month)

RGR: 16% (Full Cage Conversion — you watched a 3.4/10 western FOR the voice. The contamination is complete)

FIELD REPORT, SUBJECT 31: "Subject ordered coffee in the rasp. When the barista asked if subject was okay, subject said 'it's an homage' and provided unsolicited context about jazz history and frontier gallows. Subject was asked to use the other register. There is no other register. Not anymore."

[5oftwaregore]

i miss them... my scythegunlings..... my scythegun yuri beam....