Fantastic Four Vol 1 #231
Thurs Apr 30 2020 [10:59 PM] Wack'd: It's actually the gruffest looking comic writer you’ve ever seen. It’s like if somebody put Jack Kirby through a meat grinder and just sorta schluffed him back together again and then like glued some hair onto him. He's smoking a big cigar and he says "My name...is
[11:00 PM] Bocaj: HAH! [11:01 PM] Umbramatic: pfft [11:02 PM] Wack'd: Seriously, his name is just Gurland. Even Marvel Wiki says so. This issue is the only reference I can find of this person *ever existing* [11:02 PM] Mousa The 14: ... [11:02 PM] Mousa The 14: What [11:02 PM] Mousa The 14: No... No first... no first name? No alias? That’s not possible. Someone’s gotta know something! [11:03 PM] maxwellelvis: This might be an Alan Smithee [11:03 PM] Wack'd: If it is, no one knows who it's one for [11:03 PM] maxwellelvis: Could have been one for everyone [11:04 PM] Umbramatic: The Gurland Collective [11:06 PM] Wack'd: Anyway, our story opens not with the Four but this great collage of NYC humanity reacting to their neighborhood having been abruptly Negative Zoned.
[11:06 PM] maxwellelvis: Why's the head of Filmation working a construction job? [11:06 PM] Wack'd: Look at Filmation's finances and ask that again [11:07 PM] maxwellelvis: Ha [11:07 PM] Umbramatic: burn [11:07 PM] maxwellelvis: 'course this is just a few years before they got the He-Man deal [11:08 PM] Wack'd: Anyway, back at the Baxter, Ben is really cheesed off. As far as he's concerned, this just isn't the sort of thing heroes do to an unsuspecting populous of average joes, and he's really steamed that Reed didn't think this out. [11:08 PM] maxwellelvis: As right he should be. [11:08 PM] Mousa The 14: Legit [11:09 PM] Wack'd: Reed, to his credit, apologizes, and concedes that even with the pressure of Earth's impending destruction, he could've thought harder about all this. [11:09 PM] Mousa The 14: Earth’s destruction is a lot of pressure admittedly [11:09 PM] Umbramatic: yes! listen to ben! [11:10 PM] Mousa The 14: But also he deals with that every week so [11:10 PM] Mousa The 14: Not that much pressure, he should be used to it by now [11:10 PM] Wack'd: He's also been monitoring the situation and found that the island is moving, specifically towards the Distortion Area, which is where the Baxter's Negative Zone portal usually opens up. [11:11 PM] maxwellelvis: Uh-oh [11:11 PM] maxwellelvis: That can't be good. [11:11 PM] Wack'd: It's...kind of good. [11:11 PM] Mousa The 14: Yeah [11:11 PM] Mousa The 14: That’s a way home [11:11 PM] maxwellelvis: Yeah, but the other side is currently in the Negative Zone [11:11 PM] Wack'd: See, the Distortion Area just kinda shunts shit between the Positive and Negative Zones naturally, so ideally if the island gets there they can go home. [11:12 PM] maxwellelvis: That's just ASKING for space to warp and bend to the snapping point. [11:12 PM] Mousa The 14: They don’t have much a choice right now [11:12 PM] Mousa The 14: And they use that area all the time [11:12 PM] Mousa The 14: It’ll be fine [11:12 PM] Wack'd: However, to get there, they need to. You know. Traverse the Negative Zone. Which even apart from the monsters has a host of terrors in it. [11:12 PM] Mousa The 14: Iiiiiits fiiiiiiiiiiine [11:13 PM] Wack'd: Specifically, they'll have to pass through Sub-Space, a nexus of all realities that could dump them literally anywhere if it doesn't destroy them first. [11:13 PM] maxwellelvis: And during all of this, hope that Annihilus doesn't spot this chunk of city floating through space. [11:14 PM] Wack'd: And Reed can't put too much computing power into calculating a trajectory or even figuring out how to steer, since he needs as much electricity as possible to keep the bubble protecting their neighborhood going. [11:15 PM] Mousa The 14: “Citizens, my name is Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four. As you know, we have rescued the earth with the help of your unwilling sacrifice. The good news is I may have found a way home!” [11:15 PM] Umbramatic: this is a lot of fuckery [11:15 PM] Mousa The 14: “Now we might die horribly torn across the 5th dimensions, but that is a risk I am willing to take on your behalf” [11:16 PM] Mousa The 14: “I’m certain you would all agree to my plan of getting all of us home even if it kills us” [11:17 PM] maxwellelvis: "Let's just beat him up and take his stuff!" [11:17 PM] maxwellelvis: "No no no, do not listen to that man!" [11:17 PM] Aleph Null: imagine being stuck in this scenario and the only person with the know how to get you out is the person who got you in [11:18 PM] Wack'd: Anyway, on top of all this, there are a couple of new problems brewing. One of them is a giant purple spacegod who thinks his territory is being invaded...and the other is a construction foreman.
[11:18 PM] maxwellelvis: Purple guy's probably just pissed because of his very painful-looking glasses. [11:19 PM] Wack'd: ...I just noticed the foreman is also wearing purple and glasses [11:19 PM] Wack'd: That's some good storytelling [11:19 PM] Mousa The 14: ART [11:19 PM] maxwellelvis: And "Stygorr" and "Lew Shiner" sound a little bit similar as far as names go [11:19 PM] Umbramatic: don't trust purple glasses [11:19 PM] Mousa The 14: The true villain was the foreman we made along the way! [11:20 PM] Mousa The 14: Man, they’re really going for the parallels thing, huh [11:20 PM] Wack'd: So Reed has a plan [11:20 PM] Wack'd: All they need is to build up infinite momentum. For complicated science reasons. The problem is generating force. [11:21 PM] Bocaj: UM [11:21 PM] Aleph Null: @Wack'd hang on [11:21 PM] maxwellelvis: Infinite momentum. [11:21 PM] maxwellelvis: Right. [11:21 PM] maxwellelvis: That means "very fast" [11:21 PM] Wack'd: Yes, that's what I said. [11:21 PM] Mousa The 14: Infinite... right. [11:21 PM] maxwellelvis: got it [11:21 PM] Umbramatic: LUDICROUS SPEED [11:21 PM] Mousa The 14: That’s how science works [11:21 PM] Aleph Null: reed trying to tap into the fucking speed force here [11:21 PM] Aleph Null: thinks he’s goddamn sonic t hedgehog [11:21 PM] maxwellelvis: I actually think Neelix would be a better scientitian in this instance than Reed, gods help me. [11:22 PM] Aleph Null: oh god this was literally a voyager episode [11:22 PM] Aleph Null: thanks max [11:22 PM] Wack'd: Back on Earth, Lorrie feels awkward
[11:23 PM] maxwellelvis: "I can see you all!" -- Franklin Richards, 1980 [11:23 PM] Wack'd: I'll say this--this is the most acceptably child-looking Franklin we've gotten. Um. Ever? [11:23 PM] Aleph Null: he looks like a small adult [11:24 PM] Wack'd: Eh [11:24 PM] Aleph Null: i mean, sure. less like a small adult. than usual [11:25 PM] Umbramatic: franklin is watching you. judging you. [11:25 PM] Wack'd: SO! Reed and Ben are going to fight purple dude. Sue is the last line of defense in case purple dude breaks the bubble protecting the neighborhood. Johnny is making sure Reed and Ben stay tethered to the Baxter [11:25 PM] Wack'd: YELLOW! FROM THE YELLOW DIMENSION!
[11:26 PM] Bocaj: Hal Jordan: ;__; [11:26 PM] Aleph Null: pissland! [11:26 PM] Aleph Null: "Wack'd and Umbra are typing..." [11:27 PM] Umbramatic: i was gonna say that dimension wasn't always yellow [11:27 PM] Wack'd: Stygorr claims to be the equal of Annihilus and Blastaar, so naturally I checked Marvel Wiki and he gets his ass kicked this issue and we never see him again [11:27 PM] maxwellelvis: "No no, don't worry, it's lemon" [11:27 PM] Wack'd: He has the power to change his body from matter to anti-matter, which, uh, causes explosions, I think? [11:28 PM] Bocaj: Surrrre [11:28 PM] maxwellelvis: That is the basic theory of matter-antimatter [11:28 PM] maxwellelvis: Matter + antimatter = kaboom [11:28 PM] Umbramatic: antimatter god huh? [11:29 PM] Wack'd: Meanwhile, an army of militants convinced that they are being conspired against are about to storm the buildings of the people who are supposed to be preventing them from dying painfully. You know. Something that would never happen in real life. [11:29 PM] Wack'd: Certainly wouldn't happen today, in America. Nope. [11:29 PM] Wack'd: Comic book fantasy at its best. [11:29 PM] Umbramatic: also eeeeeeeep [11:31 PM] Wack'd: All these people are white so the cop, singular, doesn't shoot at them. The foreman successfully steals his gun. [11:32 PM] Bocaj: Well [11:32 PM] Wack'd: ...i just remembered the foreman's motivation here is that he needs to stay on deadline [11:32 PM] Wack'd: i fucking hate everything [11:32 PM] Bocaj: Huh! [11:32 PM] maxwellelvis: THE ESCAPISM OF COMIC BOOKS [11:32 PM] Bocaj: The more things comic the more they stay the same [11:33 PM] Bocaj: I imagine the writer though this was obvious ludicrous ridiculousness [11:33 PM] Bocaj: The way that comic book villainy is just a thing that happens openly nowadays [11:33 PM] Wack'd: Anyway the foreman's like "okay, so here's the plan, we go into the Baxter building and do the thing that will get us home" [11:34 PM] Wack'd: And a member of the mob is like "but Reed and Ben aren't in the bubble right now? How're they gonna get back" [11:34 PM] Wack'd: And the foreman's like "fuck them, actually" [11:34 PM] Wack'd: And now the mob has Doubts [11:34 PM] maxwellelvis: You serious? [11:35 PM] Wack'd: Sue wants to use a force field to keep the mob out, but unfortunately a hole in the containment field has cropped up so she needs to send Johnny to deal with this nonsense [11:36 PM] Bocaj: Raimi sure got Jameson right [11:36 PM] Wack'd: I could pin this on Sue needing to be kept out of action but I think the fact is seeing Johnny deal with this nonsense is just more entertaining. The mob is using fucking dynamite and wrecking balls [11:36 PM] Umbramatic: oh boy [11:36 PM] Wack'd: The foreman tries to shoot Johnny [11:36 PM] Wack'd: And suddenly the mob is like "fuck this, actually" [11:37 PM] Wack'd: They successfully dogpile him so he gives up and runs off, shouting about how they need him and he'll be back [11:37 PM] Umbramatic: The Mob Has Standards [11:38 PM] Wack'd: It's nice, yeah [11:38 PM] Wack'd: Anyway, Reed has A Plan [11:39 PM] Wack'd: Stygorr keeps rotating the island by blasting at it. They are going to release the demolition site from the bubble just as it's in Stygorr's range, creating a huge matter/antimatter explosion [11:39 PM] Wack'd: Which will create infinite momentum [11:40 PM] Wack'd: Johnny goes to make sure there's no one still there and evacuates everyone [11:40 PM] Bocaj: "Stygorr keeps rotating the island by blasting at it" this makes me laugh [11:40 PM] Wack'd: Except this dipshit who is definitely going to die
[11:42 PM] Umbramatic: that man, later, probably [11:43 PM] Wack'd: I want to praise the storytelling here but it occurs to me these guys have literally nothing in common besides being the bad guys of this issue and similar aesthetics so like. Uh.
[11:44 PM] maxwellelvis: Well, they both immediately assume that this is a personal attack on them and immediately go off to kill the FF [11:44 PM] Wack'd: Also christ the inks on this section are garbage [11:44 PM] Wack'd: I suppose that's true, sure [11:44 PM] Bocaj: They're thematic doubles [11:44 PM] Bocaj: And the universe abhors doubles [11:45 PM] Bocaj: I assume anyway since everyone is always saying 'no doubles' [11:45 PM] maxwellelvis: FA-BA-BA-BOOM [11:45 PM] Wack'd: But also like. Uh. We don't actually know what purple dude wanted or what his deal was besides being a baddie? [11:45 PM] Wack'd: Like the foreman had very concrete and specific motivations and pathology [11:45 PM] Umbramatic: Holy shit, there’s two of them https://imgur.com/Br8T9tS https://i.imgur.com/Br8T9tSh.jpg [11:45 PM] Wack'd: Purple dude just yelled a lot [11:45 PM] maxwellelvis: I think he assumed this was an attack on his kingdom or something [11:46 PM] Wack'd: He did but after his big intro speech he doesn't really say anything meaningful about himself [11:46 PM] Wack'd: hahahahahahhaahahahahahhahahah
[11:47 PM] Bocaj:
Purple Guy: -shoots lasers- "BY THE WAY, I'M A VIRGO AND LIKE LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH" Ben: "Uh" Purple Guy: "I'M LOOKING FOR LOVE BUT FEAR I'M UNLOVABLE AND ALSO I FEAR MATTER ANTI-MATTER ANNIHILATION"
[11:47 PM] Wack'd: Some real forty-years-later quarterbacking here but like [11:48 PM] Wack'd: Maybe if purple guy had also been in actual peril at some point? [11:48 PM] maxwellelvis: Isn't this the ending of TMNT: The Hyperstone Heist? [11:48 PM] Wack'd: Because like the New Yorkers are kinda right to be cheesed off [11:48 PM] Wack'd: Anyway [11:48 PM] maxwellelvis: Yeah, but he starts a lynch mob because he personally is inconvenienced by this. [11:49 PM] Wack'd: New writer incoming, new love interest awkwardly exits stage left
[11:49 PM] Bocaj: Aw [11:49 PM] Bocaj: Shame [11:49 PM] Umbramatic: f for johnny [11:49 PM] Bocaj: I liked the character beat of her sort of envying how close knit the Fantastic Four Family fwere [11:52 PM] maxwellelvis: Does Lorrie get a last name? [11:52 PM] Wack'd: She does, it's Melton [11:52 PM] Wack'd: Which is cute [11:52 PM] maxwellelvis: Ahh [11:53 PM] Wack'd: She is also never seen again according to Marvel Wiki. which is less cute [11:53 PM] Wack'd: So many great characters casually discarded in the 70s interim [11:53 PM] maxwellelvis: Alas [11:53 PM] Wack'd: ...fuck [11:54 PM] Wack'd: Okay this is hilarious. A legendary six-year run starting with "Diablo! Everyone likes Diablo, right?"
[11:55 PM] maxwellelvis: Shall we wrap it up for the night or dive right in to the Byrne era? [11:55 PM] Wack'd: Also fuck "back to basics". Everyone in the letters pages is complaining too much 60s stuff has been discarded and I'm over here desperately trying to think of a single Lee/Kirby thing I miss that hasn't been retained [11:55 PM] Wack'd: I don't even remember what Diablo's shtick was. Is he the illusions guy? [11:55 PM] maxwellelvis: Alchemy [11:56 PM] Wack'd: Cool [11:56 PM] maxwellelvis: He's the guy who made Dragon Man, too. [11:56 PM] maxwellelvis: And most memorably, tried to get Ben under his thumb by partially curing him, putting him in this creepy "Ben-Thing" intermediary state. [11:57 PM] Wack'd: Right, I remember Dragon Man. He has nothing to do with dragons, and he has nothing to do with men. He has everything to do with hurting [11:57 PM] Wack'd: You know what? I will say this. [11:57 PM] Wack'd: The 70s hasn't had nearly enough Mad Thinker [11:57 PM] maxwellelvis: And even less of Andy [11:57 PM] Wack'd: I don't care about Andy so much but for your sake I hope he returns [11:58 PM] Wack'd: LETTERS! [11:59 PM] Wack'd: There's not much here. People are torn on the Brain Parasites, and one writer is sad Doug and Bill are leaving. [12:03 AM] maxwellelvis: Anyways, I find it hilarious, all these letters calling for a back to basics thing, to the point that the next issue is titled that in the preview blurb, when John Byrne is one writer who brings in a lot of shake-ups
