#gut spilling

[pseudofighting]

i always draw this lil dude for gut spilling???

(MY FOURTH OCTOBER PROMPT OF THE DAY PHEW!!!)

[cathedraldecay]

GERARDS DRUNK SINGING IN DESERT SONG IS SO FUCKING BRUTAL BECAUSE HE GOT DRUNK TO SING A SONG ABOUT STRUGGLING WITH SOBRIETY. HE ASKSS OVER AND OVER IF THEY ALL FELL DOWN, IF TONIGHT WILL EVER COME

[freylycoris]

It is not love that is blind, but jealousy.

[obstinaterixatrix]

blah blah feelings

I guess I'm just all too aware of my insignificance in the grand scheme of things, and that is just this stupidly huge guillotine that follows me around and I'm constantly waiting for the blade to drop because whoops, I am totally wasting my life by wallowing in dispassionate apathy. I am acutely aware of what an unsympathetic jerk I am, how I just really don't deserve to have all these people who care about me because I don't give back nearly enough. At the same time, sometimes I feel like I'm just one big emotion-eater people keep around as a distraction or something, that people who I'm friends with aren't friends with me. Half the time I exaggerate my emotions, and I don't even really know if it's for their benefit or my own. And then there are those times I just want to reach out and have someone reach back, but whoops no I'm fine I'm fine totally fine no need to worry because I am a total champ at handling emotions. And that's not even touching upon how I'm such a failure of a student. Or my problems with memory. It's just really hard to care about things when I know most of them will be gone from my mind in a few hours.

Sometimes I lay in bed and just before I fall asleep I feel the weight of mortality, and I just start freaking out because when I was a kid my biggest fear was going to sleep at ten and waking up being sixty and every day I'm getting closer to that outcome and I have to dig my nails into my arm to reassure myself that I am alive and that I exist and that's supposed to be a good thing. And then I realize that everyone feels this metric fuckton of mortality weighing them down and there are all these people with all these problems and where to I find the gall to try to center their attention around myself when my situation is quite possible the least unique in existence. 

I'm tired. I'm going to sleep.

[juluvily]

Oh, gosh.

I went from watching covers, to girls only famous for being, er, untalented and unattractive, to "if you really knew me" videos where a teen, boy or girl (but I've mostly seen girls), would write their stories/confessions on flash cards and basically flip through the cards, sharing their past, often a troubled past and the video is accompanied by music.

I ran into one video that made me cry from the start.

While watching, I wondered what persuaded me into watching these videos, but I watched them all the way through -- if they're publicly posted online, why not view it?

I just have to say, some of these girls, especially the one in the video that I cried hard on, have major guts to be spilling their past that was full of abuse, depression, etc.

I could never do that. 

I only have one incident in my past that still haunts me to this very day. It's only one thing; unlike what others may have where they lived in terror for months to years, but just the impact of the event keeps me from sharing it to others. I'm afraid that others will harshly judge some factors of it, or just judge it in negative ways, while I'm still trying to live with it -- making my life as positive as I can.

Girls have guts, sharing their pasts.

For my whole life, I've kept it to myself. 

Except. . .

To this day, I still wonder what brought me to confide in my boyfriend about it when we had only been dating a few months, not even half a year yet. 

A few months after. . .

One of my cousins that I'm close with, I've known her my whole life -- at the time, I was seventeen when I finally had the courage to open up about it. 

Just a few days ago, I finally gathered enough courage to tell two of my best friends of two -- almost three -- years about it. I thought I was ready to express myself, and I did, but I also thought I could share it without shedding a single tear. 

I cried to the point my teeth chattered. Not loud, but I noticed it; hopefully they didn't. .

Besides those four people, nobody else knows. Not even one of my cousins in the Philippines who I've shared absolutely every detail of my life knows about it. After realizing that I had to let my guard down entirely and couldn't even spit out a word without tears streaming down my face or my voice cracking, I now know that I probably couldn't do that again. 

I can easily share my drug use, because it just isn't much of a bothersome topic for me. I'm really open about it, if anyone ends up asking and is open-minded enough to accept whatever they're about to hear. Also, since I've been clean from everything for a long time and only use one substance once in a very great while, it's easier for me to express it.

But past events, that's just a difficult issue to discuss, in my opinion.

I don't wish that I had the same amount of guts that the girls on YouTube did. If I'm not ready to share it, then I won't. I'm certain that the feeling will come when it's appropriate to share. But for now, I just have to say I wish great luck to the girls on YouTube who shared their stories and I'm glad that they did share, as it's very possible that there are many who have similar experiences and find peace in discussing it with those who can relate. .

Sometimes, it's crazy to believe that this world could get any crazier.

[samanthaopal]

it's times like these that i can't speak.

i actually could search for the words to explain everything for years and it would never come out right, and maybe thats part of the problem with all of this. that i poorly word everything. i'm not angry because you wanted to not ruin our friendship; i'm angry because you lied. i'm not angry because you make jokes; i'm angry because they get to me i'm not angry that you're mad at me; i'm angry that you think i'm selfish.  this time, i won't get personal, or at least i'll try not to. my point of writing this is to explain to you, friends, even myself exactly what is going through my head. you feel as though i only think of myself, and that i don't care about you or anyone else in my life. but i personally feel like you have that all wrong. yes, maybe you feel like i'm being a bitch or whatever, but i do not believe in any way that i am selfish. if i see someone i know upset, there is no way i will ignore it. there have been countless times that i have skipped classes to be with someone who needed me. there have been countless times that i have offered a shoulder to cry on. there was the time that i cared so much that i cried about pills. now, please, please don't take any of this the wrong way. i DO NOT do these things because i want people to think i'm a great person, i do these things because i care, i care a lot. it doesn't matter how many times i say i don't care. i care, if someone has ever come into my life even for a day, i care. if you feel like i'm selfish, then please explain it to me, i actually do want to know how i am being selfish because i do not want to be. i feel like yes, this has been taken too far, and i believe i know why. both of us are the type of people that do not want to just give up. and in the beginning it honestly wasn't that big of a deal, but it started getting personal, really really personal, the blows became lower and lower. its all dumb. you feel as though i blame people for my "personal shit" but i don't feel as though i do. can you please explain it to me?  because i really don't think i do. i don't blame anyone else for my parents being the way they are i don't blame anyone else for my family falling apart i don't blame anyone else for me not being able to deal with death 2 years later. i blame myself. i don't really know how to word this next part, so here it goes, i'm sorry for the past, i'm sorry for the times that i spoke without thinking, i'm sorry if i've ever hurt you, or ever made you feel like i don't care. i'm sorry for anything i've ever done. p.s i'm not being sarcastic when i ask if you will explain why i'm selfish and how i blame people, please, please just tell me to my face how i'm sarcastic because i need to know.