Been trying to assist @choosyfruit in Ozark Shepard’s post-akuze break-up, cuz my OC Ezra got imported to that universe!
Then THIS was written, and messed me up hard.
“I should get drunk—I should get drunk and find somebody to unload on and just tell them exactly… exactly what I feel like right now.”
Tomorrow, Ezra wouldn’t be sure if he had actually said the words aloud, hoarsely confiding in the wall beside his bed, or if he had merely thought them. He still had two full weeks of shore leave... his shipmates had said it was a miracle he’d gotten so much time, and Ezra had merely said his Captain was a generous man—letting Ezra go to his fiancé in such a trying time.
But the truth was, it had been easy for Ezra. It always was. It was easy for the both of them: Captain Sakai had made a political move as much as a compassionate one: newly promoted Commander Shepard was an Alliance hero for surviving the massacre on Akuze, so if his fiancé asked for time to go and see to the trauma he was going through? Well, it was obvious he would give Ezra as much time as he needed.
But Oz was gone. They were… over.
What to do with all this leftover leave? Alone. Tomorrow he would wake up wondering how much he had said aloud, throat raw and stomach wrung out inside him. But tonight was the night everything easy in Ezra broke.
“I don’t get it! I don’t!
“He said ‘I love you.’ He said it so many times, and every time didn’t mean a thing in the end, did it?”
“I said ‘I love you, Oz’ so many times… did I just make it cheaper every time I said it? Did I weaken it till it just snapped? I would rather not have meant it… I wish I hadn’t meant it.”
“This can’t be happening, this is not like Oz!”
“I shouldn’t be mad… I didn’t have to go through what he went through!”
“Is that why it’s so easy for him? He knows that no matter how much he hurts me, it can’t hold a candle to what he went through? …is that why I’m not right for him, anymore? Oh god.”
“I need to suffer for him. Need to make sure… that he knows how much I’ve given up. How much I’ve lost!”
“He’s going to meet someone who’s suffered, who’s lost people like I haven’t, and he’s going to feel closer to them right away than he ever felt to me. Oh my god what do I do!?”
And Ezra cried for a long time. He broke and broke again, and didn’t even notice how the jagged edges of his own pragmatism cut him the deepest.
“When I see him next… do I call him ‘Oz’? No. No hint of what we had… that would only cause more pain. Do I call him ‘Shepard’ like everyone else? Not even… that’s how we met. I’ve got nothing. What do I do? What do I do?”
