#hard emotions

[starseedarchive]

todays entry

[ebrown2020]

The Hard Feels about Choosing Adoption

Scrolling Facebook instead of cleaning, as per usual, I come across a post that was about national infertility week. It was a woman struggling with infertility, empathizing with others who also struggle with infertility. Her picture was a letter board that said “SOME DAY” with a little baby hat and booties. She shared about the heart break, struggles, and emotions that come from infertility, and my heart hurts for those who struggle with this. I personally, will never fully understand the emotions and the trials that come with infertility. However, I endure my own struggles.

I feel like an outcast sometimes. I don’t fit in with the infertility crowd, I don’t fit in with the crowd that doesn’t want to be pregnant, but I’m somewhere in the middle. As far as I am aware, I’m fully capable of conceiving a child! My heart longs to experience pregnancy, and to be able to join in on these types of conversations that I frequently find myself a part of due to the fact I love kids, and I love their mamas. And, if you know me then you know there is no question on whether I want kids or not. It’s a given fact that I dream of the day where I can have my own kiddos to love on. Unfortunately, I have more than one chronic illness, and answering the “Can you have kids?” question gets complicated sometimes.

Can I have kids? Well, yeah technically I can conceive babies. But it comes with a lot of health risks and concerns for not only me, but for the baby. I explain this to people, and to end the conversation quickly, I just tell them we are adopting because it’s what we feel called to do. Which isn’t a lie. Adoption has been a calling of mine since I could remember. Austin has always reassured me that his heart is open for adoption and that he doesn’t care how we have babies, as long as he gets to raise them with me. (He’s the sweetest, I know.) Him and I made the educated decision to not conceive kids, and to expand our family through adoption. We are genuinely excited about the journey and we can’t wait for the day where we can actually begin the process of adoption. I pray for our future child, and I pray for their first family as well. I know this is God’s plan for us and I know that where God guides, He’ll provide.

BUT.

I am human. An emotional, hormonal, human to be exact. I have days like today, where I struggle with the pain that comes from choosing adoption over pregnancy. There are days where I sit on the couch and cry all day because I won’t get to experience all the little amazing things that you get to experience when you’re pregnant. Sometimes it stings a little to be around pregnant people, and so I make lame excuses to avoid putting myself into a situation that would be emotionally difficult in the moment. I’ll find myself walking through the store and come across a pregnancy test, and I can’t help but think about the fact I will never have to buy one of these for myself. I’ll never understand the emotions that come with peeing on a stick and waiting to see what it says, and then sharing that moment with my husband. Coming to terms with our decision isn’t something that happens overnight. A few weeks ago I spent an hour researching some information on my health conditions in hopes to find a loophole that would enable me to safely have a pregnancy. Instead, all I found out was what I already knew. It’s not medically smart for us to conceive kids, and I called my fiancé and cried over information that I already knew when I sat down to research this. The heartache can get the best of me sometimes and makes me want to just risk it all. I have talks with God and I genuinely sound like a whiny toddler in the toy aisle when their parents tell them they can’t have something. I ask why, I tell Him it’s not fair, I cry, and I question why THIS is His plan for me. That’s the amazing thing about God. You can give Him your messy and difficult emotions. You can ask Him those hard questions. You can be real with Him because He understands that you’re just human.

So, while we are excited for our journey with adoption, we know it’s God’s plan, we know our future child will be everything we want and more, we know that the second we meet them it’ll all be worth it, we also know it’s okay to have these hard emotions. I can be happy and hopeful about God’s plans for us to adopt, while also grieving my plans of experiencing pregnancy and all that comes with it. While I feel like an outcast, like I’m the only person who has this struggle, I know I’m not. There may never be an awareness week for choosing to not conceive a baby based on health concerns. I may never find Pinterest posts about advice and tips and stories of others going through the same thing. That doesn’t minimize the reality of my situation and the fact there are others struggling just the same as me. I often feel like I need to put on my happy face when I talk about not conceiving our babies and adopting them instead. Sometimes though, I just need to be real and I need someone to know that while I am confident in our choice, I still hurt from time to time. I also want people to know that if you’re in the same boat as me, it’s okay to feel these things. It’s okay to be happy and sad at the same time. It’s okay to be happy and excited one day and upset and hurt the next. We are female humans with emotions that are on a never-ending rollercoaster. Feel all the feels you need to and know that it’s okay because you’re not the only one to feel this way.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

I need prayer! I'm college and accidentally broke my friend's computer. Our moms got involved and now their mother is saying I owe money I don't have. We're two weeks away from graduation and my friend isn't talking to me. I haven't slept in a few days and I'm just starting to be able to hold food down without throwing up. Ultimately, I feel like I have lost my friend and I feel really alone on campus. I don't want to graduate with friendship broken but I don't know what to do. I need guidance

I’m so sorry about your situation and all the stress and sadness it’s causing you. Accidents happen, and it’s too bad when they affect friendships. 

I’m not sure I have much advice that’ll help you -- maybe some followers do? I would recommend talking to your friend, letting them know that you understand why they’re mad but that you hope it won’t ruin your friendship, that you hope they can forgive you with time. Give them the time they need -- it might be hard for them to get over it in time for graduation, but there is hope in repairing the relationship after. 

Computers are expensive -- does your friend’s mom expect you to pay for the whole thing, and does your friend agree you should too? If you also agree you should pay back some of the expense, do your parents or another relative have enough money that they could give you a “loan” to pay back to your friend? You could then gradually pay back that relative over the next few years. (Or, tell them that their help paying it back can replace your Christmas/birthday gifts for the next few years.)Helping your friend open and spread the word about a YouCaring or something to raise money for a new computer might be another option, if you just don’t have the resources to pay them back. 

It might take time to patch this up, but I’ll be praying that things work out, dear <3

O Comfort and Guide,This person greatly needs your comfort and guidance right now. Help calm her hurt and stress as she gets through this tough time in this friendship. Send support her way to ease her loneliness. I pray that she can enjoy her graduation even in the midst of this trouble.Open the hearts of this person’s friend and her friend’s mom -- fill them with understanding that this was an accident and that she does not have the money to pay them back right now. Send patience and wisdom and support to everyone involved.Whatever happens, I thank you for being with this person; please, show her a way to go forward, and keep her safe on her way.Amen. 

[korygiggly]

Non-Verbal.

Hii everyone!

I've come here with a problem that I have since.. Well, ever, and I was wondering if someone of you can help me with it! You'll see, since I was a little kid, when something hurts me or makes me feel angry, frustrated, etc, I tend to block my emotions in an unconscious way, like, i don't have control of it. And I wanted to know if someone has idk.. maybe some advice? A tip? A way to regulated that, help me to know how NOT block myself

[staygoldsquatchling02]

I'm back in my hometown after about 6 months and I'm glad to be here because we are getting my brother and brother in-law out of a bad situation, but I'm getting flashbacks to what used to be happy memories but are now tainted by something that happened back in December. I know I won't be here long enough to see any of the people involved with what happened but driving by my old highschool triggered some memories and while I want to look back fondly I can't help but think the only reason those three were my friends was because they thought they could fix me. I want to believe that our 6 almost 7 year friendship was more than a pity project but the way it ends and how quickly it did scars me.

I'm also overwhelmed with separation anxiety because I just saw my niece and nibling for the first time in almost a year and I know it's probably going to be a while before I see them again. You truly never know how much you actually miss something until you get it back and it's pulled out from under you again.

[thebabblingbrookenook]

[consquence-of-sounds-blog]

Snippets of so many hard thoughts have been racing through my mind all day. It’s exhausting. I often wish I was better at quickly turning a thought or a feeling into an action that could help me resolve this malaise. But I’m not. Processing, hard moments of emotivelessness, and meditation are required.