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Licht beginnen, donker eindigen. #hashbrownie #oedipus #sweetstout (bij MOUT)

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The Mommy, the Hash and the One-way Ticket to Hell, Part I

*TRIGGER WARNING*

Cut the onions, squeeze the lemon, season the chicken, pour the rice in the rice maker, add water….Preparations for a wonderful meal, indeed. Oh how I love this recipe. Dinner was delicious. Dishes are done. The kids are at their Dad’s. I am free until Monday morning.

I pause for a moment in my kitchen on the way to settle in on the couch for what I know will be a long night. I stretch out my arms, palms facing up….”Mother, Father, God, Creator of All That Is, All the Power in the Universe, All the Power in Me, All the Angels, All the ArchAngels, All the Masters, All the Teachers, All the Guides, All My Ancestors and All the Healers, I ask that you come to me and surround me with love and light on this journey. I ask that you keep me safe and provide me with the memories I can handle and the knowledge I can handle for my highest good and the highest good of all involved. Thank you. I am so grateful. I love you all. Amen and so it it.” Then I ate the hash brownie.

Within an hour I started to giggle. First a little giggling then laughter. Everything was funny, funnier than it has ever been in my entire life. The absurdity of it all was hilarious. FUCK, why hadn’t I done this sooner? Laughter is, after all, the best medicine. I was feeling better than I had felt in years! Damn, I’m hooked….This shit is AWESOME!

Our bodies know how to protect us. That brief injection of medicine was to prepare me to descend into hell. In an instant, I was screaming “Oh God, NOOOOOOO!!!!” I was three, in an office in our church. My white onesie with the pink flowers unsnapped at the crotch. He was sodomizing me over the back of a chair. I could see the Master of Destruction in the mirror. He’s watching from the doorway behind us. He is wearing the blue uniform. They all wear the blue uniform. He is standing just far enough back that the light surrounds him. It looks like a halo of blue light. A halo of blue light, like an angel. An angel? Really? Really, God? This is OK with you, God? This is what happens in church, God? FUCK YOU, GOD!!!! You have abandoned me. Why am I not worthy of love, God? Why is this what you have chosen for me? What did I do to deserve this, God? I am three, God. No three year old deserves this, God! FUCK YOU!

In the next instant, I am being sodomized over our dining room chair. I am staring at the blue hutch. We still have that blue hutch. FUCKING HUTCH. In my own home. I am being violated in my own home. They came in, took me out of my bed and violated me in my home. I am safe nowhere! Where are mommy and daddy? “Mommy and daddy can’t help you now.” I’m convinced it is the voice of Satan. What did I do to deserve this? Mommy and daddy, where are you? God, where are you?

My soul sister is watching me relive the memories from the other side of my couch. Mouth hanging open as she watches me scream, she is taking notes for me so hell can still be vivid and clear to me when this is all over. I ask her to make it stop for a moment. I am cognizant enough to beg her to call in Archangel Raphael. “Ask him to ground me. Ask him to make it stop for a moment. Make it stop!” And within a minute, I am back on the couch. My legs are shaking and throbbing from being bent over the back of the chair. Fuck anyone who ever tries to tell me that shit wasn’t real. My shaking, throbbing legs, my body, my soul KNOWS THAT WAS REAL!