Last year I decided to sever all ties that did not serve my highest good. I disengaged from friends and family then I sat alone in the darkness, my darkness, my own personal hell. Healing is a solitary journey, a lonely battle to be won between you and you. No one can do this for you. Choosing to rise above the pain and suffering in this world is an excruciatingly difficult decision and very hard work.
Late last year I decided that my light finally outweighed my darkness. I thought I was finally ready to go out into the big, scary world to genuinely connect with healthy people. I’ve worked exceptionally hard to find happy, mostly healthy people to connect with, to bond with over a love of common activities instead of my old bonds of “woundology.”
I have been honored and blessed to meet lots of really wonderful happy, healthy people. One in particular, is a very sweet, young 23 yo lightworker. He didn’t know he was a lightworker or an empath. He thought he was broken and weak and I’ve since been able to share with him that he is strong just sensitive and open-hearted and that this is a good thing not a bad thing. He’s been full of gratitude as I’ve shared resources with him.
I was invited to be on a panel at a local University for an abuse awareness event next month as a result I came out as a survivor on my FB page then I shared my “abuse bio” with my new friend. His response was “In my 23 years of living, I've never met anyone as special as you are. You're on the top of my list, if I never met you but I’d read this I'd pick to meet you over anyone else any day.” FUCK that is a lot of pressure, a lot to live up to. I’m just a teacher. I went through some hardcore shit, everybody has their hardcore shit and now I just try to share what I’ve learned on the off chance I can serve as a guide, some hope, for another.
He thanks me frequently for being his guide and tells me I've helped him a lot and facilitated growth and healing. Early on I shared a spiritual mirror article with him. I knew he was serving a profound purpose for me too. He's a very attractive, sweet young boy. Two years ago he would have been in bed. He is the mirror of my dark night of the soul. I introduce him as my son when we meet people. When I realized he is exactly the same age as my former student, my addiction, my deep dysfunction, my rock bottom, I realized how far I've come. He reminds me so much of the boy I had my first relationship with after my marriage. He is every young boy I played on the playground with in Cougarville.
I'm not proud of many things that I've done. I know there is much here in this blog that could help him find his truth but I was too ashamed to share my darkness with him because he sees me as such a light. I know he is here to provide me with a profound growth opportunity. I'm not proud of many of the things that I've done, but I am deeply proud of how far I've come.
So, there it is, Son, my truth, my darkness, now you see all of me. Namaste in love and light.
