Something, something, something, personal.
I have to admit I am a bit odd and weird. To quote Lydia Deetz, “I, myself, am strange and unusual.” I have never really fit in anywhere, most likely never will, and I am ever increasingly OK with that fact. However, I still find it very hard to put myself out there with others. Any little thing that exposes a part of my personality is terrifying for me to show to those I do not really know or trust.
Recently I had to write an artist. I was seeking permission to use one of their artworks for a new music project I am working on. I was not real sure how it would go. This was a first for me. I suppose, I assumed I would ask, they would either give me a price for usage rights or deny my request, and we would proceed (or not) from there. Not really how this played out. Instead they countered with inquisitive questions. They left me no choice but to open myself up.
And open myself up I did. I wrote what felt like a long, rambling email. I went into every aspect of what this project is about and why. I sent links to things I had done in the past, delved into my personal life, and was deeply sincere about it all. The entire time I was typing this email I could feel the fear growing.
Now, mind you, I have a hard time decorating my office at work. Why? It exposes parts of who I am to relative strangers. These are people whose opinion does not even really matter to me because, quite frankly, I do not care. Having to open myself up to an artist, to someone I know has knowledge of what I am saying to them, and can rightfully judge my work, well, that was a new form of despair for me.
I finished my email and hit send before I could stop myself. I can over-think anything, and I refused to give myself that opportunity in this instance. I sailed the seas of humility as I anxiously awaited a reply.
I woke up the next morning to see I had a response. It took me an hour to have the courage to open it. That has to sound silly, but I let the dread of a negative reply seep in. When I finally read the email I was immediately in a state of disbelief. Not only did I gain permission to use the piece of artwork for my purposes, I gained the artist’s help in modifying it for my purposes, and their words to me were absolutely beautiful. I cried. I put myself out there fully, and not only was I accepted and understood, I was appreciated.
There is no question I need to be better about being myself and putting myself out there. I hold back… a lot. I know it is a defense mechanism rooted solely in my lack of self-confidence. While I do not care what others think, I also do not want to have to explain myself, and the general judgmental nature of so many today tires me. I believe part of the reason I have such diverse interests, why I actively seek out different, is because I find beauty where most never look. When someone finds that in me the world stops temporarily, and for a brief eternal moment there is pure, genuine happiness. I want others to feel that too.
This world needs more love and acceptance. There is beauty everywhere. Look for it – especially in the unlikely places.
