A quite upsetting realisation came to me last night. The last few times I've been to buy alcohol from a supermarket, nobody wanted my ID or questioned my age. I recently went on a night out in a big city renowned for always asking people for ID, not a peep from any of the door men, they just ushered me in... The men who now flirt with me in bars look old enough to be my dad. It's official, I look old. This wouldn't concern me given I am 26, but before I started work (just 1 year ago) I couldn't even buy scratch cards without someone questioning if I was old enough (the age to buy those is 16..) One year of F1 and I now look my age, if not older. That's at least 10 years this job has added to me physically. FML. At the start of F1 I would blow dry my hair every day, wear make up, plan cute outfits.. Now just having clean hair is a bonus, I choose 10 minutes more in bed over applying make up. I'm lucky if I even have clean clothes available, let alone clean, planned outfits... I put it all down to the CONSTANT anxiety. At work there are only two scenarios I find myself in: I'm either in a situation where I have NO idea what I'm doing and am panicking over what to do. OR, it's quiet, not much is happening, yet I am panicking over the bleep that I could get at any moment where I would be faced with a scenario in which I have no idea what I'm doing. There is an occasional (rare..) third scenario where I feel like I know what I'm doing and get slightly comfortable for a moment and use some 'initiative', but this is ALWAYS dashed by someone senior staring at me in a disapproving fashion and snarling "WHY are you doing that...?", taking me straight back to scenario 1. Even at home I am worrying about everything I did/could have done wrong during the day, and worrying what the next day has in store.. I can't even enjoy annual leave, even if I have a whole week off, on the first day I will be thinking "shit, I'm back at work in 6 days..." And that will continue "back at work in 5 days...back at work in 4 days..." and the anxiety will increase as I get closer and closer to going back. The ONLY saving grace at the moment is that I plan to take a year out after F2, that is keeping me going. I've only managed to trudge through F1 by telling myself the next job will be better. My first job was surgery and I thought 'maybe I will enjoy medicine more'... Then I hated medicine and thought 'maybe I will enjoy obs and gynae...', now I hate this I'm thinking 'maybe I will like GP....' . I'm eventually going to run out of excuses to continue and I'm not sure what will happen then, I will cross that bridge when I come to it. My year out after F2 has no structure or plan what so ever, I brush off peoples questions with "I'm going to locum and travel...". I'm hoping that a bit of time away from the CONSTANT flow of stress will allow me to "find myself" and work out what I want. The problem I think many of us face is that having dedicated SO many years to getting here, giving it up all together seems like such a waste.. How can I go from being a doctor to being something else, medicine is the ONLY thing I know, I have no other skills. I've always liked the thought of being an hairdresser, they never have to stick their fingers into smelly holes, have peoples lives in their under skilled hands or go home at night wondering if it was their fault that someone is now dead... Oh, the joys of having a normal job..!
