#hazbinh

[dragonshoard]

I love Charlastor as a ship and the fluff coming out of the fandom, but I’ve kind of been dying for a ship dynamic that brings out Alastor’s manipulative and evil side versus the caring/supporting partner that I’ve seen going around. 

He’s one of the most evil characters on the show, and I’d love to see their relationship reflect on what that means for how he treats Charlie. He was raised in the old south, and consistently holds to southern manners. He’s twisted it in that he is nothing but polite, but it’s in that superficial way in which you’d be perfectly nice and helpful before turning around and doing something utterly despicable, except that Alastor wouldn’t care who saw him (in fact, he would be happy to be seen). 

If there’s one thing that you can tell about Alastor, it’s that he likes to be seen, likes to be heard (but only when HE allows it). He was a serial killer in life (according to the Wiki, working off that info and the pilot) and I’d totally imagine him to be a Hannibal Lector sort of killer, prone to displaying his kills for people to see and talk about.    

He’d be perfectly charming towards Charlie and treat her like an actual jewel, especially towards the beginning when she’s naive enough to fall for that act. He’d, of course, not hesitate to destroy anyone who goes after her, showing off and often wanting her to watch (though he wouldn’t make her at first, just conveniently staging it so that the “kills” happened in her eye view). He would see it as a form of showing his love for her. He’d see everything he’s been doing for the hotel as a sort of courting gift for her (on top of the amusement he got from the entire process). He would completely feed into her desires and steadily build a dependency to him.  

Of course, he wouldn’t notice until it was much too late to see that she was unintentionally creating a dependency to her as well, so a co-dependent relationship is formed as a result. Alastor is consistently either alone or among people who despise or fear him and someone as sweet and theatrical as Charlie would be like a breath of fresh air. He eventually gets to the point where he realizes he would kill whoever attempted to take her away from him or kill her himself if she tried to leave him. 

Charlie is still there, sunshine and rainbows, with a murderous boyfriend who won’t hesitate to screw you over. She’s aware of it all to a certain extent, but only in the sense that since she’s grown up in Hell (and around her father, Lucifer, one of the most evil and powerful beings in hell), she doesn’t exactly have the awareness to say that Alastor is top tier bad guy and what he’s doing with her isn’t normal versus, say, her hanging around/interaction with Angel or someone in Hell for lower level crime. 

I mean, you could say Vaggie would have taught her some things about what is or isn’t healthy, or talked/warned her about him but, in her defense, Vaggie is just as quick to destroy something or someone in Charlie’s defense so it doesn’t seem all that different in Alastor’s case. 

Charlie gets someone who believes in her and supports her and her projects and Alastor gets someone who literally brightens his day and would not willingly leave him. 

[dragonshoard]

Human!Charlastor in the 1920s (New Orleans)

Charlie is Charlotte Magne from a rich and influential family in Louisiana and is outwardly the perfect southern Belle. It doesn’t stop her from putting on either a suit or dress, pinning her hair up, and going for a night out on the town, without a chaperone *le gasp*. 

Her Mother is involved in multiple influential circles and does a lot of community oriented/charity work with the city board (Think “Le Petit Salon” involvement as well). 

Her Father is big in the stock market and made a lot of his money from investing, on top of his own business (boutique chains of shoes, suits, and ties primarily). 

Both weren’t very present in Charlie’s life growing up and Charlie had a couple of nannies throughout the years. 

In an ideal situation, Charlie would marry into another influential family and strengthen relationships and business partnerships. 

Charlie doesn’t want to be involved in any of that, obviously, and more largely wants to be part of the change of culture in New Orleans at that time. 

She wants to sit in at city council meetings and work towards the cause of helping the city’s people grow and be happy. 

Ideally, she’d like to work closely with the local and less fortunate families and throughout her childhood volunteers in orphanages and charities. Her parents thought it would look good publicly, so it was allowed and even encouraged. 

Eventually, she’d like to settle down with a husband and maybe have a few kids, but it wasn’t a priority. 

Charlie is 21 years old in 1926

Now, on to Alastor...

Alastor is Alistair Trahan from a respectable hardworking family. In 1926, he’s 27 (compared to Charlie at 21) and an up and coming host for a popular, new radio station. He does a mixture of culture, music, and news related segments. 

His father was a butcher who hunted on the side recreationally. His mother was a seamstress with a small clientele. They made a decent, honest living. 

Alistair’s father (I’ll call him David) made it a point to teach Alistair his business from a young age. 

Alistair , on the other hand, didn’t care much for either hunting or butchering and wanted to go into entertainment biz and was utterly fascinated by the radio and talk-shows. He was entertained with the glamour and shine that surrounded New Orleans at the time. 

Safe to say his Dad didn’t like that, resulting in conflict between them. It gets worse when, for reasons, business goes downhill and David starts drinking... a lot. When Alistair’s around 8, he becomes abusive towards both him and his mother.

He... doesn’t have the best of childhood safe to say but he gets out of it eventually (has to when his Mother dies and he’s left alone with the alcoholic)

Alistair meets Charlie multiple times without realizing it when they’re younger, mostly in passing. Their first “official” meeting is at a jazz dance club. Charlie is out with a few friends who she typically hangs out with when she sneaks out. Alistair has been dragged there by his coworkers. 

Charlie is the first to notice him and is flustered, drawn in by the charisma that practically radiates off him from across the room and his smile. Her friends tease her about it and basically push her to go over there to ask him to dance (a few of them looked uneasy for reasons that didn’t make much sense at the time). 

On the other side of the room, Alistair isn’t blind to the little slip of blonde hair that wanders over to him as his tries to make it appear as if he cares what his coworkers are saying. When she turns sparkling coal eyes towards him, he knows that she’s something else.

It’s their first dance, but definitely not their last. 

[dragonshoard]

Charlastor Fic: A few months into their courtship and Alastor is convinced that it’s all still a game. 

His heart had stopped beating years ago yet, somehow, looking at her made him feel something stir deep in his chest, a tiny ember lit aflame. At first, he had assumed that it was borne from amusement or perhaps even anger or annoyance; however, the unfamiliar feeling didn’t disappear. Instead, it festered inside of him, growing as the months passed.

One day, upon entering the building, he was hit by something. Well, two things to be specific. The first being the comparatively tiny slip of a girl he was courting (who was, in reality, rather tall and larger than life if she allowed herself to be). The second thing that hit him was not annoyance, as would have been his usual reaction to such an action, but what he tentatively recognized as fondness.

The... thing in his chest only seemed to grow larger the more he took in her smiling, excited demeanor, unable to help but wrap his arms around her tightly after dematerializing his cane.

“You’re finally here! I missed you!” The last part seemed almost unconscious and her smile faltered for a split second in a moment of hesitation before brightening the room once more with a small dash of hesitation. Despite the past few months they had been courting, she was still more than a little nervous around him (rightfully so). 

The only thing that kept her from stepping out of the embrace was his own arms, wrapped tightly around her, and the claws that dug themselves slightly into her coat.

Alastor’s own smile grew bigger and brighter without his permission in response to her reaction. The flame in his chest grew unnaturally at the slip of tongue and he was quick to encourage the greeting.

“I̸ ̸m̶i̵ssed you too. Every hour I’m away from you is an hour I spend dreaming of you, my sunsh̶i̴n̵e̸.̵” He couldn’t keep the amusement out of his static affected voice, pairing naturally with his charm.  

“Ahh,” the blush on her face overtook the ghost white pallor of her skin. “I-I It hasn’t really been that long u h m, oh! I’ve finally got the list of improvements for the hotel ready for you to see!!”

And she was off like a rocket, taking advantage of his loosened grip while still grabbing his hand to pull him along. In the past, the action would have sparked an indignant anger at the audacity of anyone presuming they could touch him, much less move him.

These days, he looked on it as a sort of achievement of how far they’ve come. In the first month, Charlie had been extremely hesitant to even touch him, much less guide him or hold his hand. He found it particularly endearing and filed it away to tease her about it later when she was more comfortable with “them”.

Her previous hesitation came back full force when she seemed to realize that she was still holding onto his hand when she went to grab her paper.

Disappointment and annoyance nearly dimmed his smile when she took a small step away from him before he forced himself to smile wider. He neatly stepped back into her space, putting an arm around Charlie’s shoulder and leaning in under the guise of looking at the paper she had presented him.

Absently, Alastor skimmed the sheet of paper. The draft had some good talking points but was unorganized and had too many colors and drawings for Alastor to take seriously. Regardless, he gave a few comments, adding some points to consider, and gave suggestions for expansion on other topics. He relished in the fact that she often leaned back into him without realizing it when she was addressing him. 

When he felt like they had gotten to a decent ending point for the moment, he led the conversation to what he had originally come to discuss. 

“S̴p̵e̴aking of the futur̸e̶,̵” he paused to present a rose with flourish, lightly glowing green from the use of his magic, “h̸o̷w̵ ̷w̵ould you like to go out tonight. I found the most fabulous little restaurant in the east side of Pentagram city. It is absolutely to die̸ ̶f̴o̴r̷.!” He casually pushed the paper Charlie had shown him away and positioned them so that Charlie was inches away from planting herself directly into his chest.

“I... uh I had a great time last week!” She gave him a big smile that looked a bit too fake for him to believe. “But, I don’t think I’m ready for another restaurant after last time.”

Alastor cocked his head at that. “A̵h̴,̸ ̵m̸y apologizes. Was the food not to your lik̸i̶n̵g̶?̴” He made a mental note to visit the owner after he left the hotel.

His intentions must have shown on his face because Charlie was quick to respond.

“No! The food was great! There was just...” Charlie looked unsure, glancing down at the vibrant red rose with not a single spot of decay before looking back to his grinning face.

“T̷h̶e̴y̶ ̶h̸ave a band and it will be oh so fun my̶ ̶d̴e̵a̴r̷,̶” He teased, the arm around her shoulder squeezing slightly. 

Charlie blinked and visibly seemed to struggle with herself. Alastor took it upon himself to take her arm and press the rose into her hand, carefully avoiding the thorns (though he wondered how gorgeous blood red would look against her pale skin, he preferred it not be her blood).

“A̴ ̶r̵o̴se for a demon beaut̵y̷.̴” He raised the hand that was around her shoulder to cup her cheek. “I̴t̴ ̶p̶a̶l̷es in comparison to your charm but, then again, I would be looking for an eternity if I were to try and find a flower that compared to your stunning smi̷l̶e̵.̷”

Hearts practically flooded her eyes as they gazed into his own. A charmed smile melted into her features, taking over nearly her entire face. 

Pride and, to his chagrin, warmth overflowed within Alastor. It burned through him and he suddenly had the thought that, yes, he would do anything to have her keep smiling at him just like that.

Despite reason and how his heart had ceased to beat many decades ago, he found something of the like burning inside of him for this girl who was naive, yet had so much potential that she was practically brimming with it. The ember had turned into an inferno and he burned for this girl who had somehow taken a part of him that he didn’t know he had needed to guard.

He almost frowned at the stream of thoughts and shoved them out the figurative window. The demon wanted her the same way he wanted everything else: entirely. He would have her. All of her. It was as simple as that.

What did it matter if he lost a bit of himself if it just meant that he would get it back in the end? 

(Hint: he doesn’t get it back)

[dragonshoard]

Yes hi PLEASE TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE 20'S AU. This idea seems so adorable and I'm eager to hear any ideas / plot points you had for it!

omg thank you!! I’m glad you like it :D

That is so sweet!! Sadly, I’m not that kind of author. I mean, I can be but I like my horror elements a bit too much to go without. 

Alastor, being a gentleman of that time period, goes to introduce himself to Charlie’s parents to formally ask their permission to court her. 

(I mean, during that time dating was a lot less formal, but this was a high-class/old money family)

Charlie’s parents are impressed by his charm, but aren’t impressed by his lack of connections. In private, Charlie attempts to convince her parents to allow him to take her on at least one chaperoned date, but can’t really do so without revealing that she had met him when out without permission. Her mother is sympathetic, but her father is not impressed by her backtalk. In the most polite way a rejection could be presented, he shows Alastor the door to Charlie’s dismay (and Alastor’s subtle rage). 

Before he leaves, she goes to shake his hand, thanking him for stopping by. She leaves behind a small note that Alastor is smart enough to stuff into his pocket before her parents see it. 

She gives him a charming smile, a blush on her cheeks as she slips away and goes inside before her parents became suspicious. 

Alastor waits a few blocks before finally feeling safe enough to look at the paper. In immaculate cursive letters, she had written for him to meet her at 8pm that night at a speakeasy that he was more than familiar with. 

He has never gone after such a high profile target before, but she was making it all too easy for him to lure her in. 

(He disregards the way his heart skipped a beat at her smile and how he couldn’t wait for her hand to be in his once again in preparation for another dance)

– 

I’ll write more later :)

(on another note, I promise he doesn’t kill her - i swear)

[dragonshoard]

I have a thing for taking characters and shoving them into the past. This is super self-indulgent so I apologize in advance.  

Basically, Charlastor happens a few years after canon, getting married a decade in, and we start out about 70-100 years in the future. At this point things are going really well (shockingly). 

The hotel isn’t exactly booming for redemption but it, at the very least, is considered a sanctuary for sinners who don’t want to live their existence at the bidding of others or in the general vicinity of hell and want a vaguely “normal life” (without having to worry about turf wars and being shaken down by the local pimp or big boss). Every once in a while, there’ll be someone to ascend but it’s maybe at the rate of 10 sinners a year, if even that? The hotel or concept was never practical for mass production, tbh. 

And at this point, Charlie would actually have matured quite a bit and have created a sort of routine. I’d imagine that she would actually get the equivalent of a therapist’s education and work to help sinner’s through their issues and help them live their best lives. 

(She learns to accept that her pushing for redemption was more of a personal problem than she had initially believed) 

She would be seriously respected by Hell’s lower ranks, but openly mocked by those in power (though grudgingly respected because she did what everyone thought was impossible). They’re not stupid enough to interfere because, by this point, they know not to mess with Charlie. 

I’d imagine her reputation would be similar to her fathers in that case. Not really respected, but seriously feared. Anyone who crosses those under her protection are liable to be set on fire and/or transported into the Bad Lands (wherever that may be; the edges of Hell or the place the worst of people end up). 

So, at this point, she thinks that she’s in a good financial, social, and mental place to have kids though Alastor is hesitant about it (not sure if he would make a good father). Despite this, he goes along with it if it will make Charlie happy. 

Their eldest is... well, they take after their father a lot lets just say that. Their name is Lillian (though sometimes its Louis), but the safest name is generally Lil unless they say otherwise. They have dark red hair (looks almost black) with a lighter red under layer. Their hair goes bright in full demon form (scarlet/pinkish, respectively). Their eyes are a pale blue normally, but are like her fathers in full demon form (yes i’m implying that Alastor had blue eyes as a human). (Edit: I changed it. Lil’s eyes are the same as their mothers. Ada, the youngest child, gets the honor of having her father’s eyes xD)

Personality wise, they are more drawn to violence than say Charlie was at their age and is struggling to figure out when to not pick a fight. However, they are insanely protective of their family and Alastor is very very proud.

The first five or so years go great (with some hiccups, as all first time parents are prone to have) and they decide to have a second child (to Lil’s dismay). That’s when the problems start.

The extermination the previous year had been suspiciously light and Charlie had the fleeting thought that it meant things were getting better. Turns out, no, the following year the extermination was the worst in Hell’s history, wiping out 3/4ths of Hell’s population.

As if it couldn’t get any worse, Heaven comes down with an ultimatum or, well, command really.

All born demons were to be collected and removed from Hell or everyone would suffer the consequences.  

No one knew where they would be taken, but they weren’t stupid enough to think that it was anything good. At first, the angels tried to make it look like they would be taken in for a chance at a better life they should’ve been given in the first place but, again, no one was that stupid. Eventually (somehow) it comes out that they were killing the demon borns and no one was exempt.

Not even the royal family.

Needless to say, war was declared because Lucifer still loved his daughter and his grandchildren and no one was stupid enough to disobey the fallen angel himself.

Now, Alastor is quite literally the most powerful reality bender in Hell’s existence and while Charlie could rival and surpass him in other ways, this was something Alastor excelled at and Charlie simply didn’t have the power to do.

Charlie would have stayed and fought as well except for the tiny problem that she was 5 months pregnant at the time. So it was decided that Alastor would use his abilities to send his wife, his 5-year-old, and their unborn child far far away where the angels couldn’t reach them.

And so starts the adventures of Charlie (also known as Lottie or Harlie) in another world that is over a century in the past.

Dimension Hopping AU, basically.

[dragonshoard]

So how do u feel about Charlastor, but w/ the added bonus of Charlie actually having miltonian style eldritch angel qualities just vaguely crammed into the humanoid shape of a person? Like, wings, disembodied noneuclidean eyes and shapes, burning wheels of fire or multiple animal heads? Thoughts &feelings of both Charlie & Alastor on the matter? And separately, what could possibly happen do you think to make Charlie ever try to aim to accomplish what Lucifer couldn't, overthrowing God?

YES YES YES SO MANY TIMES YES (Thank you so much for the questions!! I really enjoyed writing this :D)

… Like, wings, disembodied noneuclidean eyes and shapes, burning wheels of fire or multiple animal heads?

Angel or Angel-like!Charlie is literally my jam. I imagine her developing or being born with white wings versus her father’s black, burnt ones and it causing a genuine freak out from both her parents and eventually her friends. Vaggie would be, of course, the first to know and wouldn’t be overly shocked after she thinks about it nor would Charlie’s other friends. 

She hides her true demon form in canon, so I think she’d do a pretty good job keeping it under wraps unless she’s super excited or mad and even then only a few traits come out (slight distortions of her surroundings or even her flaming halo that one time). 

If we’re talking about her being born like that, well, I’d imagine her parents would have wanted to hide the fact that she had inherited those traits (when she was younger, they always hide her away on extermination days) and no one would actually know other than Vaggie until much later.

Thoughts & feelings of both Charlie & Alastor on the matter?

Charlie would be constantly aware and reminded of how different she is from everyone else. Sometimes her skin feels too tight and her eyes catch things that she shouldn’t have seen that startles her. Her limbs ache to be longer and she feels like she’s walking around blind sometimes without being able to see everything around her. Her many wings, even when not out, push against her skin. Brilliantly white feathers grow where they shouldn’t, because they want to be seen and her skin is simply not big enough to fit all of her wings without hurting. 

She feels her halo burning regardless of whether it is visible or not and she’s always surrounded by flames, whether it be hellborne or holy. 

Charlie’s lived with it her entire life so she’s used to it and is still, regardless, a big ball of joy and happiness 

When Alastor finds out he would quietly be like: I KNEW IT I KNEW IT. He’d be so excited and fascinated with the idea of a demon who, by operational definition, was an angel. 

He’s a demon attracted to power and things that amuse him. She’s the equivalent of ten beautifully wrapped presents on Christmas morning. Her other limbs and attributes just make her all that more special. She is utterly fascinating to him and he wants nothing more than to spend his time gazing at the eldritch horror that is all of her (and to eventually show her his own true form).

Her abilities are right up his alley too, if I’m being honest. I have Alastor pegged as a demon who can bend reality to his will and Charlie would have similar abilities in that her abilities have a passive deceptive nature to them that slightly alters the reality that surrounds her. For lack of better words, they vibe xD

All in all, it just makes Charlie even more interesting and attractive to him because she’s suddenly incredibly unique and her powers would resonate with his on a very base level (almost like SOULMATES I NEED THIS AU RN). It makes being in her presence a pleasant sensation because they would both be giving out passive chaotic energy that just blends really well together. 

On another hand, he also realizes while he has made an alliance with someone who will objectively be as strong, if not stronger, than him, he may have also made an enemy of himself to much higher powers just by being associated with her. 

It should probably bother him, but it really doesn’t. He hasn’t had this much fun in years and and he absolutely adores the idea of the chaos it would cause if her little secret were to get out. 

Charlie would be shocked that Alastor doesn’t mind her… differences. At the beginning it makes her even more wary of him than she initially is because any other self-respecting demon would have either ran the other direction or tried to fight her. Despite this, Charlie is typically a touchy and feely type of gal, so she is far less concerned than (in hindsight) she should be when she starts feeling comfortable enough to cling to or touch Alastor. 

And the thing is that Alastor lets her despite hating other people touching him. 

Charlie going after God?

Hmmm. I could definitely see her going after the angels and, as a result, going after God if an angel came after Alastor or any of her friends during the extermination. I don’t know how people are picked for extermination, so I’m just going to say that they go after a wide range of demons. 

When they come after Alastor, she would probably kill one of them by accident. I imagine Alastor giving her a gorgeous jewel-bladed cane (you know one of those canes that circus ringmasters use, but then comes apart and reveals itself to be a sword) as an anniversary present. What he doesn’t tell her is that it’s a reforged angel blade that he was able to acquire and modify through multiple favors over the years. 

Charlie, of course, doesn’t know this until she’s stabbed the sword into an angel’s stomach. 

Alastor is more than delighted and BEYOND ecstatic (his beloved’s first kill, finally). He’s even more so, when she is forced to defend herself from the other enraged angel’s attacks. Alastor actually has to overlap his hands on hers over the handle of the blade and force it down onto the last angel or else she wouldn’t have done it. 

Charlie is understandably bloody and shaken when she looks at Alastor with a thousand questions, but unable to ask any of them. Alastor, in true fashion, just smiles at her with all teeth on display, looking viciously victorious. 

She starts a war with that stunt. Charlie doesn’t have much of choice but to fight and to win. For herself, for her people, for her father and her friends. 

For Alastor, who was still on the list for extermination and wouldn’t be marked off their list until he was dead. 

[dragonshoard]

What kind of really bad nightmares do you think Alastor would have? It can be Charlastor related or not.

That’s... a hard question to answer. Lemme see. 

Alastor would love the typical nightmares (monsters, death, all of that stuff) and his best dreams would involve tearing his enemies from limb to limb. 

His nightmares would range from him losing all of his notoriety, to fading away into nothing or being mocked for being weak. The worst of the worst nightmares would likely involve him being stripped of his abilities or something horrible from his human life oof. 

Charlastor nightmares would start after they’ve been together for a while and before Alastor becomes aware that he’s truly fallen in love with her. He’s suddenly afraid of losing the one person he actually loves. 

The nightmares probably would be one of those that leaves you slightly rattled after waking up, but then you forget it seconds after waking up. It wouldn’t be until something truly awful happens to Charlie that the nightmares become more vivid and start featuring actual experiences. 

Once they’re fully together, he’d start having nightmares of someone torturing her in front of him, half of the time revealing it to be himself that’s hurting her. 

He doesn't’ want to lose her, but he’s completely aware of the type of man that he is. It frightens him that, if he got mad enough, she may be the next demon on his chopping block. 

[dragonshoard]

(I apologize in adv 4 yeeting my trains of thought at u in such quick succession) You know what would be interesting (on top of *waves hands* all the other stuff I yeeted at u earlier for Charlastor), a narrative significance being given to both Charlie & Alastor's musical numbers over time, like at 1st they're separate or Alastor would burst in &steal the show, but as their relationship grows evener &more mutual, they have one that turns into an actual Duet? Thoughts? Feels? Ur opinions?

…[P2 of the Music Charlastor Duet Thing] Im just a huge fan of themes& symbolism I guess? Like, there’s a possibility that w/ Charlie & Alastor’s shared love &propensity for musical #s that it could be used to illustrate the current nature of their relationship &signal when it changes? Yea, S Y M B O L I S M gets me every time, also Alastor tryna parse all these STRANGE FEEEEEEELINGS is lovely, thank you.

Lol it’s fine! I actually drew a super sketchy thing of angel!Charlie so i ‘m just gonna xD

leAVE IT HERE (i don’t know how to draw wings i m sry)

That would actually be perfect. In the show I better see something of the like (and I’m sure we will as Charlie develops). Right now, Alastor holds all the cards and all the influence. It’s his respect, his favors, and his abilities that have a chance at making the hotel possible. My hope and assumption is as the hotel becomes more and more successful (and, again, Charlie’s character develops) she will gain the respect of her patrons and her people as a whole and begins holding a bit more control of the project than Alastor. 

It should be at that point when she realizes that she does have control that she can step up to him an sing back to assert herself. It would be difficult after all the years of suppressing that part of her and being told that it was wrong. So that would also be a reason for the slow burn to finally being able to sing toe to toe with/at him. 

I’d like to think that the Charlastor relationship in song would be a duel of power and control, especially as they get to know each other and Charlie steps out of her shell in that sense, before they finally learn to sing equally and together, in support of each other rather than against. 

In this world, they may resonate on an instinctual level, but its more so because they come from the same cookie cutter shape, to simplify it (though end up painted different colors or on the opposite ends of the moral spectrum). It would take WORK for them to truly resonate equally.

Alastor would have to come to terms that he can’t have the level of control that he typically craves, not if he wants to keep her. Not to mention, that the more he cares for her, the less control he has over himself. He would utterly hate the feeling and consider throwing away the entire project all together until he sees her and realizes that he is f-ing weak.