The Forgotten Girl
December 5th – Harry’s POV It wasn’t like Alfie not to show up to a class.
I had a feeling in my gut that something was wrong. I’d been stood there for the past hour with my eyes practically glued to the door, trying to keep my mind occupied, exercising a little, on my phone, but I kept worrying about her and why she hadn’t shown up. There was only one other time she hadn’t turned up to our one on one session, and that was something I had expected. After we’d slept together that first time, I’d anticipated her feeling awkward and unsure, so when she hadn’t turned up that day, I didn’t worry. This time felt different. I hadn’t heard from her, and there were women outside waiting for the group class, meaning all our time had gone and she hadn’t made herself known. It was different. I was listening to my gut and it was telling me that something wasn’t right. Feeling apprehensive, I opened the door to allow the women into the room, trying to remain professional and upbeat as I greeted them all. “Nice to see you again.” I smiled as they poured inside. “Y’alright?” They greeted me appropriately, all friendly and fine and unaware of the turmoil I was experiencing. It got even worse when Chloe and Libby walked in without her with them. They both seemed fine, which helped, but it still didn’t give me an answer. Once everyone was in, I closed the door, getting a move on as quickly as I could. “Sorry to break it to you, ladies, but the time has come where we’re going to do the exercise routine again.” There was groan from the room, which I’d expected, and kind of liked. Pushing them past limits they’d set for themselves and seeing the improvement as the months went on had always been a brilliant experience in all the classes I’d ran. I grinned, and continued. “As you know, this is a solid hour of working out. When you need to stop, please do, but I’m sure you’ll all get a lot further with this exercise than you did the last time, and it’s gunna be really great to see. So if you could all spread out, find a spot on the floor, we’ll get started as soon as you’re ready. First, if you could all do a few basic warm ups, whatever makes you most comfortable.” I watched them all spread across the room, following my instructions. “Uh… Libby, can I have a word?” With a smile, she scuttled over to me, right to the front of the class. I kept my voice down, leaning close to her to speak. “What’s up?” She asked. “Where’s Alf?” “What?” “Alfie, where is she? I’ve not heard from her, I’m a bit… Is she alright?” She had a moment where she let things sink in, realising I was in the dark, but at least it looked like she had an answer for me. “Oh shit, you don’t know.” “Know what? What’s wrong?” “It… It’s complicated.” She looked uncomfortable, in a way, like she didn’t know what the hell she could say to me, how to explain what was going on. I couldn’t believe how anxious I was feeling, my eyes flickering wildly over her face awaiting a solid answer. I cared about Alfie, she’d opened up to me, I’d seen her feeling low and tried to pick her up, when and where I could. I was worried Sam had come back, done something, hurt her again. I was worried the police had figured out and told her who had attacked her that night, and it had made her relive the experience, that she’d be hurting all over again. Maybe once they’d informed her of who it was, she realised that she did know the attacker after all; it could have been a friend, someone she trusted, and she was so pained by who it had been that she had managed to block it out, deny it. Clearly, my mind was running wild. I needed to know she was okay. “Libby?” I encouraged after she’d been quiet for too long. “You’re coming to the pub tonight, right?” “Uh… I dunno, yeah, probably. Why?” “We’ll tell you everything there, okay?” “Will she be there?” “I doubt it.” “Is it Sam? Is he back?” “It’s not Sam. It’s too much to say right now, but don’t worry. We’ll catch you up tonight, alright? Relax, she’s okay, I promise.” With a rather encouraging smile, she made her way back out onto the floor, and I couldn’t decide if what she’d told me had made me feel better or worse. All I knew was that I was wishing the hours away, wanting to get to the pub as soon as possible so I could know what the hell was going on, and if she was okay.
I thought I’d made my way to The Tin Mouse pretty early, too eager for answers to sit around at home waiting for any length of time, but by the time I’d arrived they were all already there, sat around our table, and they looked pretty miserable. I bit at my lip, sending them a nod and gesturing my query of a drink to them, to which they all shook their heads. I’d been overthinking, and I knew that. Libby had told me not to worry, but I hadn’t been able to dull the drone of dread I’d been experiencing since she hadn’t turned up to our session. Alfie was soft, in an admirable way. She’d made a lot of progress in our lessons, but at the core of her being she was a rather delicate soul. I’d heard Louis tease her for her forgiving nature, I’d had classes with her where she’d wanted to avoid moves that could cause harm to others. She wasn’t by any means one dimensional, and the more I saw of her the more I realised that; the quirks she had that made her so intriguing to me, the tougher side, the different and varying layers she possessed, those qualities that all added up and explained why I was so attracted to her. But I knew that the innocence she seemed to have often played the leading role, and it made me worry about her more than I did the other women in my class. She’d gone through a lot in just a few months that had fed that vulnerability, and even though I knew I’d helped, and the classes had helped, it spoke to that part of me that was always aching to care for others whenever I could. I couldn’t help but worry about her. Even with my classes, it was always a concern that it wasn’t within my power to do enough for the women who needed it most. Sometimes it felt like I was trying to take control over a situation that was completely out of my control. I loved what I did, but when I thought about it too much, I was sometimes left feeling powerless. That was my own hang-up. As soon as I’d ordered my drink, I went back over to everyone, glad it was finally time to hear what was going on with Alfie, so I could then figure out how I could help, if I could. “Y’alright?” Lincoln greeted. “Yeah, I’m good. Everyone alright?” They all mumbled their replies, not sounding too convincing, but at least I was about to find out why. “Harry was asking about Alf earlier.” Libby told them all. “I said we’d catch him up, because we need to… figure out what to do.” They all turned to Louis, like he was the designated speaker for the evening, the one who would tell me what the hell was going on. He exhaled, and then spoke directly to me. “Alfie’s dad got in touch with her.” “What?” I gawped straight away. “I… I thought he was dead?” “No, him and her mum are both alive, but they don’t live here anymore.” The way I’d heard her speak about them, however vague, had led me to believe the two of them had passed away some time ago. It completely threw me to hear otherwise, and brought up more questions than answers. Seeing the look of confusion on my face, he continued. “Her mum has dementia.” He told me with a large sigh. “Early onset. I think she was like…. fifty or something, when she was diagnosed. And… she deteriorated pretty quickly. They had to move to this place a couple of hours away. It’s assisted living for people with Alzheimer’s and stuff, like, that’s how bad it is. She can’t do anything for herself, she can barely remember how to get out of bed some days. It… It’s bad.” “She needs constant care, so they had to move. She was a danger to herself, they really needed help.” Niall added. “Alfie’s dad can’t live without her, loves her too much, so he moved too. They left the shop with Alfie, and they went together. They wanted her to stay here so she could… stay with us, have a normal life. She was only like… nineteen when it happened. They didn’t want her to have to give everything up.” “She used to go and see them all the time. At least once a week, she’d drive over to spend time with them.” Louis continued. “But… then her mum couldn’t remember her. One day, she went, and… her mum just didn’t know who she was anymore. It was like Alfie’s whole fucking life just… disappeared from her mind. Like… her own daughter just stopped existing for her. Alfie would turn up and her mum would… ignore her, or be scared of her, or treat her like a stranger. And… she never remembered again. Her mum literally has no idea who she is.” My heart broke for her. The situation with my own family certainly wasn’t great, but I couldn’t imagine that. I couldn’t imagine how that would feel, the pain that would cause, to have your own mother not even know you. I didn’t know what to say, my drink still untouched and my mouth slightly agape, as though I was searching for words but I knew they wouldn’t arrive. “I think it all got too hard for her.” Libby spoke. “She couldn’t… deal with it. She tried, but after a while she just… stopped going. She’s not seen them for well over a year now, maybe pushing two. It hurts her too much.” “What the fuck.” I whispered before Libby continued. “But we know how guilty she feels about that, and it just makes it worse! She can’t win in this situation, and the longer she leaves it, the guiltier she feels, and the less she feels like she can go and see them. We’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she shuts us down every time. We could only try for so long before… we thought it was best to let her deal with it how she wants to.” “There has to be something we can do.” Chloe tried. “But we can’t… push her into anything.” Lincoln spoke. “I can’t even begin to imagine that fucking feeling, what that does to her. It’s a mess no matter what, but we’re running the risk of making her feel even more of that guilt, and that’ll just drive her further away. It’s a fucked-up situation.” “But we have to do something!” Chloe wailed. “I can’t stand the thought of this eating away at her. We need to let her know it’s okay that she’s struggling, but she has to go and see her. She has to.” “She doesn’t have to do anything, Chloe.” Lincoln bit. “Yes she does, because it’s the leading cause of death in England, and I know for a fucking fact that if she passed away, that would hurt Alfie so much more than us forcing her to deal with this, or her visiting them and her mum not knowing who she is. That would eat her alive, forever.” “I don’t think your tough love approach is gunna work though.” I shot at Chloe. “I know Alfie, I know how she handles things.” “I think I know her better than you do, Harry.” She scoffed. “In that case, you should be very fucking aware of what she’s like, and how we should try to deal with this, with her!” I found myself scowling. “She… She’ll need this to be gentle. We need it to be about support, not guilt, or fear. If you go to her talking about how shit she’ll feel when her mum dies, you’ll break her.” “I didn’t mean it like that.” She huffed. “But that’s how it comes across. It won’t work with her, you know that! Surely.” “I know more than you, and she needs tough love sometimes. That’s what she was like with Sam! She wanted tough love. She needed it.” “But this isn’t some messy situation with her ex, or some silly mistake, this is her family! This is bigger than that! That’s not what she needs.” “Oh, and you know what she needs?” “Everyone just chill out.” Louis floated his hand above the centre of the table, his manner calming, me and Chloe backing down from one another. “Drink a bit, let’s not argue about this. We all have good intentions here, alright? Mellow.” I liked Chloe, she was fun, a large energy, but it could be overpowering at times. I saw her point, but I knew how badly Alfie would react to that notion. I didn’t think her delivery would be quite as blunt if the two of them were actually speaking directly, but I knew if she even hinted towards that idea, Alfie wouldn’t feel encouraged to see her mother, it would only cause harm. I knew Chloe and Libby weren’t the people to talk to her. They were nice girls, but they were tough. The lads in our group were actually much gentler than the women were when it came to sensitive subjects, from what I’d seen. We all took sips of our drinks, quiet for a few moments as the aggressive air me and Chloe had created soothed once again. “Chloe,” Louis spoke calmly. “I know where you’re coming from, I see your point, but Harry’s right. On the phone yesterday, her dad was saying her mums got even worse. That’s why he wants her to go, he’s already… Her dad has already hinted enough, that she needs to go before it’s too late. We need to handle this the right way.” “Where is she?” I asked. “We think she’s like, gone into hiding.” Lincoln answered. “She does this from time to time. She’ll be at hers, but she’ll be upset. I’m thinking about going round, but… I’m trying to figure out the right thing to say.” “I’ll go.” I barked. “I’ll talk to her.” Most of them looked a bit confused really, and I couldn’t blame them. They were only aware of the very basics when it came to mine and Alfie’s friendship. It wasn’t just the sex they didn’t know about, but the extra lessons I’d been giving her, the way she’d opened up to me. The only two people who didn’t seem puzzled by my proposal, were Louis and Libby. “I think that’s a good idea.” She approved. “I know your lessons have been a big help to her. Not just with… the obvious, but the way she handles things too.” “I agree.” Louis nodded along. “I think you know what you’re talking about.” “The help from your classes goes beyond the physical stuff, we all know that.” Libby said, and it was the first thing to make me smile since I’d arrived at the pub. “As long as you think you know… the best way to approach her.” “I do, I promise. I… I have to try. Maybe some fresh eyes is exactly what this situation needs.” It felt like I was waiting for approval from all of them, or at least the majority, like this group of friends I’d found myself being such a part of ran like a democracy. It was first instance for quite some time where I was reminded that I hadn’t been a part of this team for as long as the rest of them had, like I was still a newcomer, or I had to something to prove. But it didn’t deter me, or make me feel like an outsider. I merely wanted to prove myself. “Go for it, mate.” Louis replied eventually. “M’gunna go now.” I got to my feet. “Niall, have my drink.” “You can stay for the one, don’t rush.” He hadn’t jumped at my offer, which honestly still surprised me, even in those circumstances. “Don’t worry about it. Have a good night everyone, alright? Don’t stress, I’ll sort it.” Not wanting to wait and see if they’d try to hold me back, I went straight to the door, getting out of there as quickly as I could, hoping Alfie would open up to me once again, so I could at least try to ease her mind.
The door was unlocked when I got there. I wondered what that meant. I wondered if she was simply too absent-minded in her sorrow to think about such a trivial thing, or if there was a part of her that had been waiting for someone to let themselves in, be there for her, encourage her. The door being open felt like a positive thing to me, a symbol that no matter how difficult, she had opened herself up to the idea of accepting help. I quietly let myself into her home on the top floor, calling her name once and receiving no reply. I took a few steps and then stood in the grand doorway between her living area and her bedroom, watching her in silence for a while. She was curled up in bed, the duvet completely covering her so that I could only see the bundle of her heavy bedsheets, either asleep or ignoring me. I shrugged my coat off, dropping it to the floor and removing my shoes, then heading over to the spare side of the bed, getting in there with her without a word. I tucked myself up, remaining quiet, waiting for her to come to me, because I knew she would. I knew that it wouldn’t be long before she acknowledged my presence. She soon did, flipping herself over so that she was facing me rather than the wall and windows, still quiet. “Hi.” I smiled softly. “Hi.” She mumbled back to me. “M’sorry, Harry, but I’m not really in the mood for sex.” “That’s not why I’m here.” I told her confidently. “That’s not the only reason I come to see you, y’know.” “It is really.” “Well, it’s not why I’m here now.” I sighed. “Friends above anything, right? You said that.” “So why’re you here?” I hated how sad she seemed. She was so timid, weak. Even though she’d turned to face me, she hadn’t actually looked me in the eye, head down, her hands held near her mouth as though she was prepared to hide her trembling lips at any moment. “I was just at the pub with everyone,” I decided to be completely honest, to not hide what I’d learnt, to make clear the exact reason I was there. “And… they told me. About your mum.” “Oh. I guess I should’ve known they would.” I could see the tears in her eyes. “We’re… We’re like a really close family. We tell each other everything. I… I guess you’re a part of that now.” I knew they did, and even though it still didn’t make much sense to me, the thought of being so open and candid, I could admire it at least. The way they all were with each other, the love they had for each other, that trust they must have shared. It was so foreign to me. A teardrop rolled to the tip of her nose, so I reached up, wiped it away for her. “I’m sorry. I… I can’t imagine how hard that is.” I waited for a reply, but didn’t get one, only more tears, another stab to my stomach. “How’re you feeling?” “Horrible.” She admitted. “I feel… I feel awful. I’ve felt awful for years.” I brushed some hair from her face, wiped away a few more tears, allowed her a few moments of silence. It was difficult, trying to find the right thing to say, the correct way to approach things. I knew her well, and I’d gone into there feeling relatively confident that I would work with her and her mood, be able to construct beneficial sentences and moves that would push her towards feeling better, but it was harder than I’d been anticipating. I questioned whether that was down to how well I’d gotten to know her. With all my classes before, there had been a large distance between me and the women I tutored, no real emotional attachment. I liked that Rosebury had brought me friends, people to care about, people who cared about me, but I hadn’t realised that having those connections would involve emotions that directly complicated by job role. It wasn’t that I hadn’t cared about the people previous, that I hadn’t had some kind of connection that made me want the best for them, because I always did. But having real friendships, real bonds, meant that I was immediately more involved than I had been all the times before. It was harder to help, somehow. “Do you think I’m a shit daughter?” Alfie shivered. “No!” I replied with speed. “I don’t, at all. How you feel, how you’ve dealt with this… It’s plausible. Whether it’s perfect or not doesn’t matter. It’s understandable. You’re not a bad daughter, you’re human, and you’re hurting. We’ve just gotta… find a way to make it better.” “But I hate it so much.” She sobbed lightly, the broken tone of her voice stinging my ears. “It’s so horrible. The last time I was there… she-she kept asking my dad who I was. He tried to tell her, but she kept saying… how she didn’t have a daughter. An-and she freaked out, and I had to leave. I made her so uncomfortable that I had to leave. They made me leave.” “They made you?” “With Alzheimer’s… people can hold onto emotions but not memories, so me being there… it only made her angry, and then that risks her becoming this really angry person all the time but not understanding why. She wouldn’t remember me being there, but she’d remember the feeling. She’d… hold onto that negative feeling. So they asked me to leave. It got so bad and she was so angry and violent that they made me leave and… I-I just didn’t go back. And I bet my dad hates me. I bet he hates me so much because I’m such a coward but it’s just so fucking hard.” I pulled her into my body, wrapping my arms around her as she shattered, weeping painfully against my chest. I just held her, desperate to take the pain away, but I didn’t know what I could do! It wasn’t a situation I could change, it was all so out of my hands. All I could do was be there for her, but the essence of her pain was something I could not change. Maybe it could heal, but the scar would remain. The scar would always be there to haunt her. I knew that feeling. I knew it too well. “It’s okay.” I whispered, gripping her so tightly. “It’s okay. M’here, it’s okay.” “I’m sorry.” She sobbed. “Don’t be sorry, Alf. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” “I hate myself for it. I fucking hate myself.” It wounded me, to hear her say that, to know she was feeling that way. For a long time, I had struggled when I wasn’t in control of a situation, and I wondered if my need to help her was a mix of me caring for her, and wanting to gain some form of ascendancy. “But you can fix it.” I tried to encourage her once she was a little calmer. “It’s okay, because it’s in your hands. You can fix this and feel better and I’ll help you.” “How? I don’t know how.” “I… I’ll go with you. We’ll go to see her.” She pulled away from me, and my instinct was to reach for her again, wipe away her tears. I think I’d almost forgotten what it was like, caring about people. I’d been so fucking lonely for so many years, drifting from one place to the next, I’d become so accustom to my solitude, accustom to only really having to care for myself. I’d been looking out for number one for years, and I’d completely buried that feeling, where someone else’s pain could pass over. I wanted to absorb it, to release her of it completely, to place her scars amongst my own so that it was mine to deal with. She took a while, waiting until hear tears were still enough so she could speak again. “Just me and you?” “Just me and you.” I confirmed. “We can’t.” She shook her head. “Why not?” “Because… it’s too much. That’s too complicated.” “It doesn’t need to be. We’ll go but… as friends. We don’t have to sleep together, we don’t have to… do any of that. I’ll go with you for moral support, with no sex. If you think it’s too complicated with me, then we uncomplicate it. Fuck the sex, I don’t care! I just wanna help.” I heaved a tired sigh, noting how uncertain she seemed. “I mean… if you want me to. Only if you want me to.” She was clearly unsure, and although I’d been the one to suggest it, I felt unsure too. She was right, it was complicated. The more time we spent together and the more I got to know her, our friendship had been weaving a tighter web, and it made everything we’d been doing of recent more complex than we’d anticipated. But it was too late for that, we were past the point where anything between us could be completely platonic. I wasn’t sure we ever had been completely platonic, not really. All I knew then, was that I wanted more than anything to just be a good friend to her, to show her that although we’d introduced a layer to our relationship that was built around sex, what she’d said when she made her rules still stood. We were friends above all. “You don’t wanna do that.” She protested. “It’ll be horrible.” “I get that, and it’s why I don’t want you to go on your own.” “If you feel… obliged-” “I don’t.” “I don’t expect anything of you, Harry.” “I know you don’t.” “I know you’ve helped me through other stuff, but you don’t have to do this! I feel like you think you have to, just because you’re good with this stuff.” “I don’t.” “It’s ages away.” “Alfie, that’s your worst excuse yet.” I smiled, and it managed to make her giggle, which made my smile even brighter. “Okay, so no bullshit, no excuses, give it to me straight and I’ll take your answer, okay?” “Okay.” “Do you want me to come with you?” She sniffled, brushing away a few teardrops from the dark beds of her eyes, catching her breath, and even with how hesitant she seemed, I knew the answer I’d receive. “Yes.” She sighed. “I… I’d really like that, yeah.” “Are you sure? M’not… pressuring you, or anything?” “It’s that, or I have to go on my own.” “That’s not true. Your friends, the family you have here… they love you so much. They’d do anything for you. They’d be there with you through anything. You’re never alone, Alfie.” She couldn’t argue with that, because she knew it was true. What they’d built together was truly special, something I’d never seen before, something that someone like me found hard to comprehend. I felt lucky that I’d been invited so warmly into such love. She nodded, before reaching and placing her hand on my chest, watching her fingers as she fiddled with my t-shirt. “I… I want to go with you.” She told me timidly. “Then it’s settled.” I felt relieved. “So… How about this weekend?” “I can’t.” “Alf, I worry the longer we put this off, the harder it’ll be.” “The shop is gunna be too busy. I can’t. It’s our busiest time of year, I really can’t.” “Alfie-” “No, I can’t.” “Well… How about you stay open on Saturday, and once you’ve finished work, we’ll go. Shut up on Sunday, we’ll see your mum then, and you’ll be back in business by Monday. One day, that’s it.” There would always be a reason and an excuse not to go, so I needed to make sure that I gave her an option so good, so helpful, that she couldn’t say no. I worked around her schedule just the right amount to make it work. I was persistent enough to make it work. “A word of warning,” She didn’t accept the plan vocally, but she didn’t reject it, and that was enough. “I will cry. A lot.” “That’s okay.” I chuckled, enjoying the fact she’d been a little humorous. It felt like a good sign. “I think I can handle it.” “Course you can. You’re Harry Styles, jack of all trades.” “Master of none.” “Or so you claim.” She gripped my t-shirt then, keeping me in place. “Thank you.” “It’s nothing.” “It’s not nothing. It’s much more than that, Harry.” I imagined I wasn’t the first to offer company. I imagined I was not the first to say they’d be there for her, no matter how difficult, but I somehow knew I was the first she’d said yes to. I wiped away her final tears, physically seeing the exhaustion wash over her, glad to have done what I could, to have inspired that fatigue in some way. It was clear she needed it, and although it was relatively early, I knew she’d sleep soon, and sleep better than she would have if I hadn’t gone to her and offered my support. “I should get some sleep.” She whispered. “I’ll leave you to it. Where’s your key? I’ll lock up behind myself and post it through.” “In my bag. Thank you. And I’ll sort us a B’n’B for the Saturday night, maybe the Sunday too. The place I used to stay when I went to see her, it’s nice.” “Sounds good.” I placed my thumb against her chin, my fingers just beneath, tilting her head upwards. “Chin up, Hunter. Gotta live up to that name. Show me how strong you are.” The way her face lit up, fuck, it was enough to dispel any darkness, break through all barriers I had felt ahead of her when I first walked into her bedroom. For the first time in a long time, I left her company without a kiss, waiting until she looked dozy enough that I could sneak away without disturbing her. I knew that we’d have to pause the agreement we’d had for a while, until we were back home, until the dust had settled, but I didn’t mind. She needed a friend, not a fuck. And that was exactly what I was going to be.
