#heart jam

[unofficial-horse-extract]

One day of dev time left till the game jam ends.

[pixeling-onionable]

For this weekend’s game jam (The Heart Jam on itch.io hosted by uheartbeast), the theme is “scarcity”.

I’ve really been slacking on gamedev, and I think it has a lot to do with attempting to tackle a large scope game without really doing smaller games independent from the help of tutorials.

So, that’s what I’m doing for the Heart Jam. No tutorials; only documentation. It’s a small game about sharing your scarce resources (bed space, milk, etc) with your needy cat. For this mini game, you have to fight to keep your side of the bed from a small cat that can somehow take over all of it, leaving you with nothing but a corner of the mattress and scrap of blanket.

Based on a true story.

[spikeisdead-blog]

Dalmon: Open Gates to Dark Street

Burnt Sienna eyes stare upwards through dark bangs.  It was a bit difficult to see this way, but it was fine.  You preferred it.  It was easier to be like this…  to be outside like this…  Bangs comforting you slightly, but not when a long chill breeze rushed in and slithered down your neck.

… You were here…

The Gates of Your first Darkened Street.  It hadn’t been “too” far from your hive.  In fact, you could have been here on day one!  If it hadn’t been for the ever obnoxious and MORE than inconvenient panic attacks and anxieties…  You pulled yourself up slowly from the makeshift hole in the ground.  Well.  This was it.

 Dalmon Lapaki, you are about to recall all the horrible events that led up to this point in time…  Or at least, you would if you COULD…  All of those memories lie through these doors.  They were so awful, SO self-destructive, your friend had to wipe them out of your mind…  So why are you choosing to go back to them?  After waiting for over 6  bi-lunars?  Because of what “he” said to you…

Dalmon: Recall the Last Conversation You had with your Ex-Kismesis ==>

  [08:25:45] DS: .sup shitblood.

[08:26:50] HY: ..ugh....

[08:26:55] HY: g(o)(o)(o)(o) awaaaaaaayy....

[08:28:00] HY: tr(o)llian ping n(o)ise is.... ugh.. fucking l(o)ud as.. fucking shit...

[08:28:24] DS: .Waht the fuck is your probleM.

[08:28:31] DS: .i Was goiNg to ask you about the gaMe.

[08:28:54] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] rubs his temples before he bitterly types --

[08:29:45] HY: i was b(o)red.. n' alchemitized a fuck t(o)n (o)f sea dweller wine, n' drank all night.. and everything is l(o)ud n(o)w.. and ann(o)ying...

[08:30:14] DS: .:erupts iN laughter:.

[08:30:17] DS: .OHHHH My god.

[08:30:23] DS: .you haVe GOT to be SHITTING Me.

[08:30:47] HY: =>:/ .......

[08:30:49] DS: .:WhiNes out: LOOKIT THIS fuckiNWRIGGLER.

[08:30:58] DS: .lookatthisfuckiNWRIGGLER.

[08:30:59] DS: .oM.

[08:31:00] HY: shut the fuck UP!!

[08:31:01] DS: .g.

[08:31:12] DS: .:still laughiNg: this is .

[08:31:13] HY: d(o) y(o)u wanna fucking ANSWEr er N(O)T!?!?

[08:31:17] DS: .this is fuckiNg choice.

[08:31:18] DS: .No.

[08:31:19] DS: .NoNoNo.

[08:31:27] DS: .i doNt eVeN fuckiN care aNyMore.

[08:31:27] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] holds head growling at the screen --

[08:31:37] DS: .this is too choice.

[08:32:12] HY: like Y(O)U never had a hang(o)ver

[08:32:35] HY: whatever..

[08:33:02] HY: yuck the fuck up. piss y(o)urself.. i d(o)nt even care

[08:33:10] DS: .No, because i caN take My fuckiN liquor.

[08:33:46] HY: (o)h, s(o) y(o)u can take fucking f(o)ur b(o)ttles (o)f.... (o)f...

[08:34:06] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] squints at the label, tyring to read it. vision is still sort of blurry --

[08:35:22] HY: (o)f.... Chteau Margaux

[08:36:35] DS: .DaaaaaaaaMMMN loWblood.

[08:36:46] DS: .your fuckiN tyriaN pitty fuck get you that?.

[08:37:23] HY: Ceph AINT a PITY fuck!! And I SAID I alchemitized it if y(o)u payed fucking attenti(o)n ta anything but y(o)urself

[08:37:43] HY: ....(o)h fuck

[08:37:46] HY: (O)H FUCK CEPH!!

[08:37:58] HY: (o)hhhhhh fuuuuuck!!!!

[08:38:21] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] drags a tired hand down his face --

[08:38:54] HY: he was (o)n last night!!

[08:39:35] HY: fucking shit... i need t(o) l(o)(o)k at the pesterl(o)gs t(o) see if I did any stupid shit

[08:39:46] DS: .yeah i bet you WaNt to fuck ceph.

[08:40:28] HY: well yeah…   Ceph's a fucking sexy ass catch f(o)r any redr(o)m, but I d(o)n't cheat (o)n my quads, AND I g(o)t this thing called “self-c(o)ntr(o)l.”

[08:40:42] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] browses through logs --

[08:41:23] DS: .:eye roll: MaN if theres soMethiNg better coMMiN aloNg theN you should juMp oN that shit.

[08:41:51] DS: .Not like i really care, but you eMbarassiNg your self to a highblood is alWays My faVorite thiNg so go oN.

[08:42:21] HY: pfft, y(o)u giving me dating advice? =>:/

[08:42:30] HY: try getting y(o)urself in (o)rder first..

[08:42:32] HY: ....fuck..

[08:42:47] DS: .My self?.

[08:42:49] DS: .PLEASE.

[08:42:56] DS: .i aM iN as fuckiN order as you caN get.

[08:43:12] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] rolls eyes.. feeling like utter shit --

[08:43:15] DS: .hot ass obedieNt redroM, .

[08:43:31] DS: .fiNe ass iNfuriatiNg black roM.

[08:43:34] DS: .perfect life.

[08:43:39] HY: nuh uh

[08:43:45] DS: .your iN the MediuM aNd caNt bother Me.

[08:43:52] DS: .iM liViN the highlife right NoW.

[08:44:01] HY: y(o)u mean gray m(o)iraligence right there

[08:44:36] DS: .:grits his teeth: FUCK you you doNt kNoW aNyfuckiN thiNg about My relatioNship With sesh.

[08:45:01] HY: and I c(o)uld care even LESS ab(o)ut it. just callin it as I see it..

[08:45:07] DS: .What Me aNd hiM haVe is fuckiN MillioNs of tiMes better thaN What you fuckiN failed at..

[08:45:28] DS: .Well fuck you aNd keep your shitty loWblood opiNioNs to your self.

[08:45:34] HY: .....

[08:46:22] HY: ..... y(o)u sure it was me?

[08:46:38] HY: ......... I cant remember.......... but f(o)r all I kn(o)w.. y(o)u c(o)ulda been the failure

[08:46:49] HY: and c(o)uld just be pushin the blame (o)n me like y(o)u always d(o)

[08:47:37] DS: .yeah Well thats because you fuckiN deserVe it.

[08:47:45] HY: deserve what?

[08:47:59] HY: ughhhhhh.. y(o)u d(o)nt make sense....... y(o)u never make sense, and y(o)ur ann(o)(o)(o)yiiiiiinnnng!!!

[08:48:32] DS: .the blaMe you fuckiN idiot.

[08:48:55] HY: mnn... shut up....

[08:49:00] DS: .its Not My fault you couldNt hold up your eNd of the fuckiN black roM.

[08:49:03] DS: .fuck you MaN.

[08:49:10] DS: .iM doNe With this shit.

[08:49:17] HY: whenever i read y(o)ur shitty text I feel like im g(o)nna..

[08:49:27] DS: .all you eVer fuckiN do is ruN aWay froM eVerythiNg aNyWay.

[08:49:43] HY: i aint runnnin away

[08:50:01] HY: i'm RIGHT here..

[08:50:17] HY: s(o)unds like y(o)u're just t(o)(o) bitter t(o) get any cl(o)sure (o)n the subject

[08:50:28] HY: I w(o)nder why y(o)u're s(o) bitter?

[08:50:38] HY: I mean.. if it WAS all my fault, y(o)u sh(o)uldnt be s(o) upset ab(o)ut it

[08:52:22] HY: i w(o)nder exactly what happened..

[08:53:04] DS: .YEAH WELL youll NeVer fuckiN kNoW because geuss What?.

[08:53:09] DS: .you fuckiN raN aWay.

[08:53:19] DS: .you fuckiN raN aWay aNd youll NeVer kNoW hoW it fuckiN feels.

[08:53:28] HY: .... h(o)w what feels??

[08:53:28] DS: .you fuckiNg stupid Worthless peice of shit.

[08:53:34] HY: ... w(o)ah.. s(o)beck

[08:53:39] DS: .:freezes:    ……    FUCK .

[08:53:40] DS: .YOU.

[08:53:43] -- despoticSekhem [DS] ceased pestering hotbloodedYoungster [HY] at 08:53 --

[08:53:55] HY: .... s(o)beck?

[08:54:03] DS: .the FUCK do you WaNt.

[08:54:12] HY: .... talk t(o) me..

[08:54:23] DS: .No i doNt WaNt to talk to you .

[08:54:30] DS: .your Not My fuckiN Moirail.

[08:54:34] DS: .aNd i doNt haVe oNe.

[08:54:34] HY: n(o)

[08:54:36] HY: im n(o)t

[08:54:42] DS: .so doNt try aNd fuckiN quad fill.

[08:54:47] HY: i'm n(o)t

[08:55:06] HY: st(o)p jumping t(o) c(o)mclusi(o)ns... n just calm the hell d(o)wn

[08:55:54] HY: .... was i that bad?

[08:56:05] DS: .calM the hell doWN, fuckiN right, just calM doWN sobeck, No fuckiN big deal, just calM the fuck doWN.

[08:56:18] DS: .look.

[08:56:19] DS: .kid.

[08:56:23] DS: .iM Not fuckiN talkiN about it.

[08:56:39] DS: .you WaNt WhiNey poopoo Wrigger feeliNgs hour go talk to laMi.

[08:56:53] HY: ............ heh..

[08:56:58] HY: ... heheh...

[08:57:04] HY: heheheheheh!!

[08:57:15] HY: w(o)w..

[08:57:16] DS: .the fuck are you laughfiNg about.

[08:57:21] HY: y(o)u're scared...

[08:57:28] DS: .iM Not scared of aNythiNg you idiot.

[08:57:36] DS: .you WaNt Me to talk!.

[08:57:37] DS: .fiNe.

[08:58:12] DS: .lets talk about hoW you Were NothiNg i Needed iN a black roM, failed to liVe up to aNy expectatioNs i had aNd utterly let Me doWN iN the facet that i Needed you to be iN.

[08:58:16] DS: .lets talk about that.

[08:58:19] DS: .oH WAIT.

[08:58:20] DS: .WE CANT.

[08:58:28] DS: .BECAUSE YOU FUCKIN RAN AWAY FROM IT.

[08:58:42] DS: .AND EVEN THO I HAVE TO BE FUCKING REMINDED OF HIM EVERY TIME I FUCKIN LOOK AT YOU.

[08:58:48] DS: .YOU WILL NEVER FUCKING REMBER.

[08:58:54] DS: .iM doNe With this shit.

[08:58:57] -- despoticSekhem [DS] ceased pestering hotbloodedYoungster [HY] at 08:58 --

[08:58:58] HY: .......... him?

[08:59:01] DS: .fuck you.

[08:59:02] -- despoticSekhem [DS] ceased pestering hotbloodedYoungster [HY] at 08:59 --

[08:59:03] HY: Hey!

[08:59:08] HY: Hey N(O)W wh(o)se runnin away!

[08:59:24] HY: Are y(o)u sayin there was AN(O)THER guy??

[08:59:53] HY: S(O)BECK!

[09:00:11] HY: S(O)BECK y(o)u WRIGGLER ANSWER me!!

[09:00:34] HY: fine!

[09:00:50] HY: I'm g(o)nna remember this t(o) the next time y(o)u fucking said I RUN AWAY

[09:00:52] -- despoticSekhem [DS] began pestering hotbloodedYoungster [HY] at 09:00 --

[09:01:00] DS: .iM Not fuckiN talkiN about it aNy More.

[09:01:23] DS: .iM right fuckiN here you idiot.

[09:01:27] DS: .iM Not ruNNiN froM shit.

[09:01:33] HY: s(o) WH(O), the hell is HE???

[09:01:42] HY: did I ever kn(o)w ab(o)ut this guy??

[09:01:44] DS: .:griNds his teeth:.

[09:01:48] DS: .ITS NONE.

[09:01:55] DS: .of your FUCKIN buissNeuss.

[09:02:11] HY: ....

[09:02:11] DS: .so Why doNt you keep your fuckiN Nose out of My shit.

[09:02:57] HY: was he y(o)ur first (o)r s(o)me dumb sentimental shit like that?

[09:03:46] HY: .....

[09:03:49] HY: l(o)(o)k...

[09:03:55] HY: i'm..

[09:03:58] HY: .....s(o)rry..

[09:04:17] HY: f(o)r whatever happend between y(o)u guys... y(o)u and me..... whatever..

[09:04:36] HY: and N(O) I aint l(o)(o)king f(o)r acceptance

[09:05:01] DS: .good cuz you aiNt gettiN it.

[09:05:13] HY: but answer me this...

[09:05:24] HY: .............. why d(o) y(o)u still hate me?

[09:05:55] HY: i kn(o)w its wh(o) y(o)u are.. bein a black r(o)mmin wh(o)re and what n(o)t

[09:06:02] HY: but...

[09:06:10] HY: i'm n(o)t an idi(o)t s(o)beck..

[09:07:25] HY: if i was s(o) g(o)g damn awful... h(o)ririble... n(o) g(o)(o)d l(o)usy shit bl(o)(o)d n(o)t w(o)rth a back hand t(o) the face...

[09:07:32] HY: ....why ?

[09:07:51] DS: .because your fuckiNg iNsufferable.

[09:07:59] DS: .aNd aNNoyiN aNd i caNt fuckiN staNd you.

[09:08:05] HY: =<://|

[09:08:09] DS: .aNd eVerythiNg about you Makes Me fuckiN squirM.

[09:08:16] DS: .aNd grit My teeth.

[09:08:28] HY: ...........

[09:08:40] DS: .aNd just, fuckiN, hate eVerythiNg arouNd Me beacuse i eVeN haVe to look at you.

[09:09:09] HY: s-s(o)beck...

[09:09:26] DS: .fuckiN What.

[09:10:02] HY: ........ i...... d(o)nt... kn(o)w what t(o) say..

[09:10:06] HY: ..

[09:10:54] HY: i...

[09:11:05] HY: i wanna remember..

[09:11:12] DS: .pfft.

[09:11:12] HY: s(o) I can talk ab(o)ut this..

[09:11:13] DS: .yeah.

[09:11:14] DS: .right.

[09:11:16] DS: .good luck With that.

[09:11:18] HY: N(O)..

[09:11:21] HY: I... i d(o)..

[09:11:33] HY: .... i d(o)nt wanna be a wriggler anym(o)re..

[09:12:37] HY: .... s(o)beck..

[09:12:55] HY: .... I'll remember..

[09:12:57] DS: .euuugh .

[09:12:59] DS: .yeah WhateVer.

[09:13:10] DS: .iM Not doiN this fuckiN WhiiNy sissy stuff.

[09:13:14] HY: hey

[09:13:18] HY: sissy (o)r whiney (o)r n(o)t

[09:13:21] HY: this is LIFE

[09:13:31] HY: and its shit we g(o)tta deal with

[09:13:33] HY: =>:/

[09:13:39] DS: .after you figure a Way to do it aNd reMber eVerythiNg, try to resist the urge to call Me While you slit your fuckiN Wrists.

[09:13:48] HY: .....???

[09:13:59] DS: .because i hoNestly doNt WaNt to fuckiN hear it.

[09:14:06] HY: slit my.... what??

[09:14:31] HY: what the hell are y(o)u..

[09:14:42] DS: .oh thats right.

[09:14:46] DS: .you doNt fuckiN reMeMber.

[09:14:51] HY: ....

[09:15:18] HY: .........what, d(o)nt I remember?

[09:15:23] DS: .you just fuckiNg couldNt deal With your fuckiN self aNy More aNd tried to kill your self, aka, tried to ruN aWay froM your problMes YET AGAIN.

[09:15:35] HY: .....

[09:15:43] HY: n(o)

[09:15:44] DS: .so ll zapped your MeMory aNd here We are today.

[09:15:51] HY: ha.. n(o) n(o)..

[09:15:54] DS: .aloof duMb loWblood the sequel..

[09:16:17] HY: i mean I kn(o)w I can get pretty em(o)ti(o)nal but

[09:16:22] HY: but I w(o)uldnt ever..

[09:17:32] HY: y(o)ur fuckin messing with me

[09:17:49] HY: =>:/ that AINT funny

[09:18:10] DS: .it aiNt fuNNy its fuckiN pathetic.

[09:19:04] HY: ....

[09:19:24] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] holds head tightly --

[09:20:38] HY: .... y(o)ure lying

[09:21:07] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] shakes his throbbing head --

[09:21:29] DS: .Why the fuck Would i lie about that shit.

[09:21:35] DS: .WheN haVe i EVER LIED TO YOU?.

[09:21:38] DS: .NeVer .

[09:21:46] DS: .iVe NeVer fuckiN lied to you.

[09:22:21] HY: .... why.... why didnt anyb(o)dy..

[09:22:31] HY: why didnt y(o)u....

[09:22:45] DS: .Why didNt i /What/.

[09:23:20] HY: ........ I....

[09:23:35] HY: ........ why w(o)uld I??

[09:23:42] DS: .What.

[09:23:46] DS: .kill your self.

[09:23:47] DS: .?.

[09:23:50] HY: ....

[09:23:52] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] nods --

[09:24:12] HY: was I... that shitty?

[09:24:13] DS: .becasue your fuckiN pathetic aNd WheN i dropped your sorry ass aNd started fuckiN sesh you just couldNt fuckiN deal With it.

[09:24:21] HY: ............

[09:24:59] HY: i.... i c-c(o)uldn't....... deal with... y(o)u tw(o)?...... t(o)gether?

[09:25:18] DS: .No, you fuckiN couldNt, .

[09:25:53] HY: .......

[09:26:02] HY: ..... (o)k...

[09:26:05] DS: .so you raN aWay cryiN, got a blood chaNge, beat the liViN tar out of Me aNd hadris, broke a feW of My ribs yadayada, raN off to ll, tried to kill your self.

[09:26:07] DS: .you kNoW.

[09:26:20] DS: .all this shit youd reMber if you didNt ruN aWay froM it.

[09:27:27] HY: bl(o)(o)d change......br(o)ken..

[09:27:47] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] bottom lip quivers... head throbs as he types slowly --

[09:28:10] HY: I..... can't.... i cant remember.............. but I remember...................

[09:28:17] HY: ..................... the feelings......

[09:28:50] DS: .yeah Well doseNt fuckiN Matter.

[09:29:10] DS: .iVe got a fuckiN Nice life NoW.

[09:29:15] DS: .a good kis a good sprit.

[09:29:40] DS: .aNd id like it if youd stop tryiN to flood My pale quad With all this feeliNs shit.

[09:29:40] HY: i let y(o)u d(o)wn

[09:29:45] DS: .yeah .

[09:29:48] DS: .you fuckiN did.

[09:29:52] DS: .hit the Nail oN the head.

[09:30:12] HY: ............ and........ y(o)u still hurt..

[09:30:46] DS: .doNt get fuckiN WhiNey oN Me.

[09:30:55] DS: .i aiNt adMittiN to all that shit.

[09:31:05] HY: y(o)u d(o)nt g(o)tta

[09:31:56] HY: and im n(o)t g(o)nna run!!

[09:32:10] DS: .:eye roll: yeah WahteVer.

[09:32:22] HY: n(o)

[09:32:55] HY: I still dunn(o) everything that happened

[09:33:13] HY: and y(o)u're still a c(o)llassal ass.... but y(o)u've g(o)t a right t(o) be...

[09:33:29] HY: and... despite y(o)ur whiney ass pr(o)ests

[09:33:35] HY: im g(o)nna make this shit fucking right

[09:33:58] HY: .... starting right fucking n(o)w..

[09:34:28] DS: .yeah Well good fuckiN luck oN that shit.

[09:34:39] DS: .haVe a graNd ole tiMe reMberiN hoW Much it sucks to fail.

[09:34:43] DS: .beuase trust Me.

[09:34:50] DS: .its a graNd ol feeliN.

[09:34:54] -- despoticSekhem [DS] ceased pestering hotbloodedYoungster [HY] at 09:34 --

[09:35:33] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] shuts off trollian.. --

[09:36:01] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] takes a deep breath, sitting in the dark forwhile.. --

[09:36:23] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] he slowly gets up...heading for the door. --

[09:37:21] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] he opens it... hand shaking...... before some how FINALLY managing to open it........ a stream of light floods in.. --

[09:38:15] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] determined, he sits in his doorway, crossing his legs and looking out at the sun.. shaking, and biting his lip.. --

[09:38:33] -- hotbloodedYoungster [HY] he wasnt going to cry anymore... --

 Dalmon:  Return to Standing Nervously In front Of the Darkened Street Gates. ==>

…

…  You push through the ominous rocky opening…  and the doors close behind you…

…..

….

It’s dark…  You like that.  You sigh slightly, leaning against the stonewall in relief.  You’re inside…  thank GOG!  Maybe you can finally focus a little bet-  You take a single step forward…  and the walls come down in a flash.

“ AGH!!  FUCK!!”

 You rear back like a frightened horse, slamming your back against the doors you had just passed through.

Dalmon:  Examine Doors.

….. what doors?  There is no door there…  But.. b-but they were JUST THERE!!

“Ahaha!”

You freeze up instantly at the laugh.  You slowly turn around, mouth agape at the almost disturbing scene playing out in front of you…..  it’s you…..

It’s you.  No more than a sweep and a half after you wriggled out of your cocoon from the caverns below Alternia…  You WERE on Alternia!  You dart your eyes away from your younger self, seeing the hole to your hive…  You were home..  but.. but how???  It was than you hear a loud wail coming from your left.  A giant flash of white whipping across the silky blue grass.  Your Younger self seems oblivious.

“H-Hey!  HEY!!”

You shout waving your arms at the young you.  Why didn’t you SEE that??  Were you BLIND as a kid??  That was a HUGE Lusus Naturae!  Gog why weren’t you paying attention!?  Just than you hear another laugh sound…  not the one of your naïve self, but another…  Malicious, snarky, a bit high pitched….  But you knew it well enough…  Even in it’s younger form, it didn’t change much.

“ ahehahaha!  What are YOU supposed to be?”  A young sea dweller clad in jeans, and an oversized tank top stepped forward.  A large gold chain, perhaps even too large, dangling from his neck, and a gold ring on his finger.  His dark hair seemed sleek despite the skewed bangs springing back up over his narrowed mischievous eyes.  His purple fins flicker slightly as he giggles at you…

Your younger self looks up to him, frowning momentarily, before attempting to smile up at him.  As if the sea dweller had told a funny joke, and he was doing his best to laugh with him and understand.

“Me?  I’m.. Dal…”  The expression on your young face changes as a giant white crocodile saunters into view behind the sea dweller…  you watch yourself carefully…  your own eyes narrowing.

“Sobeck…”

The young Sobeck continues to point and laugh at your younger self, and for some reason you can FEEL your blood BOILING at his high pitched giddy whine!! 

“dal, huh?  No.  sorry.  but you doN’t get to be “dal” aNyMore…” 

He pushes your young self over, snickering as you cry a bit in fear.

“from NoW oN…”

HOW could such a young troll have such a pointy smile at that age!?!  His eyes burm holes in your younger self’s terrified ones as he pins your back to the ground with his own chest against yours.

“your New Name is…  loWblood.”  He giggled darkly.  Your younger self’s lower lip quivered before suddenly SPRINGING up and delivering a punch to the young douche’s face!  Your present self smiles briefly…  but just briefly…  In that moment you watch in horror as the ghostly crocodile whips you backwards.  Your tiny body  twitches helplessly as the crocodile leaps over you.  His rows of teeth shredding your small attire, pulling and tearing at your skin, a rough knock of his well leathered face jutting against yours, RIPPING a giant shred of skin over your nose.  Your young self cries, as Sobeck watches his lusus with a smug smile.   You grind your teeth…  two seconds away from wipping that sorry smirk off his fucking self-entitled face! 

..But all goes white…

..and now you are elsewhere.. 

… and there is an AGONIZING pain at the center of your thinkpan!!  You hold your head quickly to contain it…  Ohhhh FUCK it feels like you’re head is gonna fucking RIP from the FUCKING!! PRESSURE!!!!

Tiny fast paced moments are stuck on “fastforward” as you watch scenes from your life you never even knew you had play before you…

Your nose begins to bleed, your body slowly falling apart as it recalls all the pain, every bruise, and every scratch from EVERY strife you’ve ever had with him...  You hit the floor, a broken floor, the texture of leather ripping SO easily under your nails, the smell of salt water and a bit too much expensive cologne washing over you in waves.  The shine of a sterling silver ring baring a black spade…  And it wasn’t the physical sensations just wracking your body..  Such as the cracking of a rib, the coolness of silken hands suddenly clawing longingly down your back, or the EXCRUTIATING amount of heat you began to feel on all sides of your body… nor was it just the intense visuals…  Watching his eyes leer over you in disgust, burning with hatred.  The soft smugness of his smile as you lay under him ready to slash at him before he kisses you…  Or the looks he keeps giving Seshat over his shoulder…  It was the feelings….

Fuck…  fuck fuck fuck…  you said you wouldn’t cry, you PROMISED yourself you wouldn’t cry…  fuh… FUCK!!! NO!!! n..n-no…..

You lie curled up in a small ball on the dirt…  body convulsing with the sudden RUSH of adrenaline, fear, excitement, heartbreak, pain, happiness, anger, hatred, arousal,  spite, jealousy, hopelessness, and desperate feelings it had pushed far out of it’s reach for weeks on end…

….

… and than at last, the final memory… 

The one of these foreign hands in your lap, attatched to your arms….  With your kitchen knife clutched in the right one…  It’s reflective gleam whispers….   It’s voice so low, so thin, only you can hear it…  it promises that it could help you…  it could take away the pain…  that it was okay that you’re worthless…  because it could give you the quiet relief your body was aching for….  The burden you were putting on everyone. All your friends, and yourself……..  and that no matter what you tried…. 

You….

Would…

Be……

NOTHING…….

To…..

Him…

You feel cold tears run down your face, mutant tyrian eyes looking back at you in the reflection of the blade…  these are not your eyes….  Not your true eyes…….

What have you done……..?

You quickly yank the butcher’s knife over your wrists, and a rush of the sweet pink blood globs to the surface.

Funny, how cool it feels.  Your old blood never felt like this….

It is than you feel a warm body SMASH into yours, than another.  One restrains you tightly, as you cry in anguish at your fallen weapon of mercy..  the other grasps your wrists and licks them forcefully.  You SCREAM at the top of your lungs, demanding her to stop!!  You wanna DIE!  You just want to be alone and DIE……

…….. they don’t leave…

… no matter how long you thrash…  or how many cold tears you spill…  One paralyzes you…. The other tries to shoosh you gently…  But their help is lost on you…  you have already given up..  you just wish they’d go…. Go away…..  go away..

…. And let you die….

The white light at last fades….  You’re back outside again…  Right were you had begun.  Curled up in front of the stone gates…  Except this time your symbol was missing… 

A soft green glow eminates from the ground.  You lift your strained, aching, tired head to see a small light green music note spin gently beside you….  The stems of the note, normal enough, but the colon itself?  Was a heart…

Dalmon:  Retrieve Your First Heart Jam ==>

You groan, vision blurred by the immense pain of “memory” all over your body as you reach for the Heart Jam….

Congratulations!  You have Received the Heart Jam; “Hate You.” You have begun your first step towards Maturity! 

………..

Fuck Maturity…..

….

….. but you had a promise to yourself you wanted to keep.

Your stagger to the hole you had dug earlier…

Quickly plugging up the hole, your knees give out, and you curl up in the darkness……

…...

…..

…..

….

…

..

.

Your remember everything now…  and you wish with all that’s left of your heart that you didn’t…